gwyn | Chapter update: Don't Wait Up for Me

Don’t Wait Up for Me (35994 words) by gwyneth rhys
Chapter 4: Blind Alley

Chapter Summary: “It feels like a dream,” Bucky said idly, and he recalled it: that liminal moment when the ice came down and he wasn’t blank and black inside just yet, and flashes of a life he knew couldn’t have been his shone in his mind.

An informal announcement since I'm hoping to have the completed one later. There’s one more chapter, the epilogue, coming very shortly, maybe even by tonight if I can get rewrites done.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

kore

OHHHH FUCK YES.

From:

kore

I'M READING IT NOW AAAAAAAAAAAAAH THE FIRST SECTION WHEN EVERYTHING LOOKS SO FUCKED AND THE HUG AND EVERYTHING GOING SO WRONG AND THE DUDES COVERING OVER THEIR DESPAIR WITH THE BLACK HUMOUR IT'S JUST

PERFECT

“For the last friggin’ time, you are not jumping out of the plane until we land. I’m gonna have Nat tranq you if you don’t shut up.” Clint pointed to the back of the plane with a clear message: Sit. Stay.

CLINT <333

The action is great! So tense! And tony!

“I gotta admit, I’m almost tempted to see if I can buy it and renovate. What a fabulous mountain lair this would make.”

The faceplate snapped down, Tony was laughing under there. “You’re so hot when you’re burning with righteous fury.”

OH TONY. (and yes, yes he is)

omg omg omg Bucky sassing back to Rumlow and Zola losing it, this is so good

And the real reunion! THAT is fucken awesome, wow. No lie, this is what I was really hoping the movie would be, not CW but the real third Cap movie, and it's just about perfect. I think it would be a great movie, too, if someone adapted it and filmed it. It's just so good. Everything about CW depresses me (or makes me angry) so I'm just going to pretend this is really how they ended the story, I love it.

From:

gwyn

Thank you, sweetie. Honestly, your comments have kept me going on this, it's been really discouraging, so it makes me really happy that you liked all those little things because I do it all for you!

I really wondered about that scene with Bucky sassing Rumlow and Zola, if it would be too OTT or not, and the last scene. I just wasn't certain how they would play out. I mean, I made myself cry when I was thinking about that ending a long time ago, and then I saw Inside Out and I bawled like a fucking baby because it was almost like seeing a lot of that come to life. That sense of missing a part of yourself, what you used to be, is weirdly personal to me and it's always hard to know whether something that personal will work in fiction.

Anyways, I'm blabbing but if you're interested the epilogue is up now so it's complete.

From:

kore

Honestly, your comments have kept me going on this, it's been really discouraging, so it makes me really happy that you liked all those little things because I do it all for you!

AWW. Well I'm really really happy if I helped motivate you to finish it because I LOVE it. It's fab.

I really wondered about that scene with Bucky sassing Rumlow and Zola, if it would be too OTT or not

NO NO IT WAS GREAT It was like a total reversal of how poor Bucky had been their plaything for so long, unable to say anything, and him sassing them really emphasizes how he's not under their control anymore and they've lost. Plus, he and Steve are total smartasses, especially when they're in trouble, it's totally IC.

and the last scene. I just wasn't certain how they would play out. I mean, I made myself cry when I was thinking about that ending a long time ago, and then I saw Inside Out and I bawled like a fucking baby because it was almost like seeing a lot of that come to life. That sense of missing a part of yourself, what you used to be, is weirdly personal to me and it's always hard to know whether something that personal will work in fiction.

I loved it, I cannot lie. It's also a BIG thing for me too, personally, the feeling like you lost an essential part of yourself, or the life you wanted to have, things you wanted to do....I mean, I know a lot of people feel that way, but /TMI/ it feels a lot of the time like my life went off the rails and that's at least one reason why I identify with poor Bucky, and Steve too (and Nat, well, so many of them really)./TMI/ And Steve saying "You’re right, I do miss the old you, just the way I miss the old me. But even if—even if none of the things that happened to us had happened, we’d be different" is a really important thing, I think, they were changed by tragedy, but change happens anyway, whether it's good or bad, and it's ongoing.

Anyways, I'm blabbing but if you're interested the epilogue is up now so it's complete.

OMG REALLY? I WAS READING SO I WASN'T CHECKING MY AOL NOTIFS //jets off to read

From:

kore

DUUUUUUUUUUDE

DID SAM GIVE BUCKY FLYING LESSONS (OMG I WANT THAT TIMESTAMP SO BAD)

IS BUCKY FLYING HIMSELF AND STEVE DOWN TO THE PLACE WHERE HE FELL BEFORE

(FUCKING LIKE WILDCATS YES GOOD I APPROVE. HAVE FUN BOYS)

that was how they’d found themselves on a street in Brooklyn Heights looking at the almost unrecognizable place where this new Steve had been created. Steve told Bucky some things about Project Rebirth he’d never shared with him before, and they remained there, wistful and melancholy, foreheads pressed together.

Aww man, what a great image. (This would srsly be a great film, I am telling you. It's so visual! I love it.)

....and damn, that's a beautiful ending. I might be all teary. Maybe. What a great image for them.

From:

gwyn

Oh wow, that never occurred to me, to do a timestamp about Sam and Bucky's flying lessons. Ha. I actually like thinking of that, especially since Sam gets so outraged about Bucky's terrible behavior. I always meant to do a timestamp of the throat-tearing incident in Dream of Caramel, which Min correctly advised me to cut a lot out of, but I never felt like anyone would really care, so it's always sat there. But I'll think about that--I'm not sure many people would care about this, either, but if you are interested that could be fun.

I thought about having them go back and just climb down, but then it seemed like well hell, it's summer, Bucky would like to learn to use the wings, he can carry Steve with him…

HAVE FUN BOYS

Heeeeeeeee

I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I was really worried about the epilogue ruining the ending, like it would…I don't know, mitigate the ending of the real story, but I got talked into doing it.

From:

kore

Oh wow, that never occurred to me, to do a timestamp about Sam and Bucky's flying lessons. Ha. I actually like thinking of that, especially since Sam gets so outraged about Bucky's terrible behavior.

OMG YES

I always meant to do a timestamp of the throat-tearing incident in Dream of Caramel, which Min correctly advised me to cut a lot out of, but I never felt like anyone would really care, so it's always sat there. But I'll think about that--I'm not sure many people would care about this, either, but if you are interested that could be fun.

Aww, I would care! I'd love it!

I thought about having them go back and just climb down, but then it seemed like well hell, it's summer, Bucky would like to learn to use the wings, he can carry Steve with him…

That's awesome, it's so great because it was like a total reclaiming of that awful trauma for them, Bucky falling and Steve watching him and both of them really losing their young selves, their lives, at that moment, and it ties in with resurrection imagery too. I loved it. It felt like they really earned it.

I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I was really worried about the epilogue ruining the ending, like it would…I don't know, mitigate the ending of the real story, but I got talked into doing it.

NOOOOOO IT WAS GREAT. I love how it echoes the "where are we going, the future" line for one thing, which turns so dark in their canon, and the bit about closure, which typically I hate as a concept because it sounds like you close the door on something and it's final or whatever, but you really made it something so much better, about how it's ongoing, a real process. And they've been through SO MUCH, I do want them to be happy, and it's in a realistic and earned way.

(I just hope you want to keep on writing your fics even after CW comes out! I'm sort of afraid it will eclipse TWS and nobody will want to write stuff with that dynamic anymore.)

From:

gwyn

pssst: I'll let you in on a secret--I don't really believe in closure. I mean, maybe there are these highly elevated humans who can achieve something like that, but I just can't imagine that. I remember after my sister died people were talking about closure or moving on or whatever, finding peace and acceptance, and I'd be like "what does that even look like?"

So for me it's a process of just trying to make it less important and make room for other things, not--ending them, I guess. I can't see how it could be any other way for Bucky, especially, since he will never be free of what they did to him. Last year I went to San Diego for the first time since sis_r died and it was strange but also felt like I'd made an important step. I think both of them could see it as a first step. I'd hope so.

I'm sure so much of that plays into why I love these guys so fucking much.

From:

kore

pssst: I'll let you in on a secret--I don't really believe in closure.

AAAAAAAAAHAHAH YUP

Such a stupid fucking idea, I mean, "closure" like closing a door and lalala, everything is all over and Fixed? People don't work that way. NOBODY works that way. I mean, maybe when we DIE we get "closure" on something, but uh, I don't think that's how most people mean it. For me acceptance is a process, forgiveness is a process, recovery is a process. It's all ongoing. It's like Peter S Beagle said, "There are no happy endings, because nothing ends." Which sounded weird at first to me, because there's death and even entropy, but for everything conscious and alive it's all this ongoing Now.

I remember after my sister died people were talking about closure or moving on or whatever, finding peace and acceptance, and I'd be like "what does that even look like?"

//FACEDESK

Yeah, and it's still a big concept in at least US psychiatry today. You take a pill, you aren't depressed! You do x weeks of PTSD therapy, you no longer have it! Bullshit. It's like, some things you don't get over, and even the not-getting-over is part of dealing with it, if that makes sense, which it probably doesn't. I think there's a huge stigma against grief and depression and dealing with trauma in a way that isn't "Well let's just EMDR ourselves right out of it." But healing isn't erasing, we can't just make things unhappen.

So for me it's a process of just trying to make it less important and make room for other things, not--ending them, I guess. I can't see how it could be any other way for Bucky, especially, since he will never be free of what they did to him.

OH yeah, seriously. It's like that Dr Who ep about van Gogh, the pile of good things and the pile of bad things. I loved that. The bad things don't cancel the good things out, but it works the other way around, too.

Last year I went to San Diego for the first time since sis_r died and it was strange but also felt like I'd made an important step. I think both of them could see it as a first step. I'd hope so.

Aww, I'm glad you did that. It does sound like a real and big first step. A lot of times those are the hardest. At least for me, a lot.