This 'n thatness
Apr. 18th, 2003 02:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwyn1. Since it's property tax month, I'm so not in the money, but I want desperately to buy the cute little sheep finger puppets at Starbucks. All of them are adorable, but the little lambkin is so cute!
2. I keep wondering if I'm the only (semi-sane) Spike and Buffy lover left in the world? Am I? It seems like everyone is either into the slash with Spike and anyone, or Faith now, or Will, or... hell, anyone. And sometimes the Spuffy lovers make me crazy. Is everyone running away from Spuffiness like rats desertig a sinking ship as we make our way to the end? Is it so five minutes ago and I'm just clinging to it like '80s guys to their mullets and Trans Ams?
3. Mammograms fucking hurt. Anyone who tells you different is a big fat freaking liar. If a guy had to go through this, you can bet they'd have come up with a device for these that would in no way hurt, and that in fact would probably be stimulating and fun.
4. I joined this writer's circle last fall, and it's one of the best things I've done for myself in a long, long time. We do timed exercises where you're not allowed to edit yourself, which is tough for me because I'm, well, an editor, and I think that my writing in general is very weak until I get the chance to edit. I do not talk about my fan writing at all, but we had a timed theme exercise and this time, I didn't feel like writing RL stuff, just Buffy stuff. I've never understood the challenge things or the quick fic things or even posting stuff on LJ before, and I'm not sure why I'm even doing it now, but this was my timed writing if anyone's interested. I feel very weird posting it here. But maybe I'll have something better soon that's more real storyish, I hope. (It's set after Dirty Girls, but it's not terribly spoilery in that it's not all revealy about anything, only stupid character crap, but just so's you know.)
When we were lovers, we didn’t love. We did everything but, he thought as he looked at her face and brushed her hair away from her neck, stroking the side of her head. His obsession, her desperation, and sex don’t add up to love, Spike had realized at some point, he didn’t remember when. Maybe when they’d both finally crossed the lines they’d drawn separately, before they’d known each other. They’d acted like lovers but they had each been on their own journey, one-way trains to nowhere, passing each other in the dark. Now they loved, but they did not act like lovers.
He held her in his arms, her breath quiet and the wounds on her face so vivid yet in the darkness. He’d found Buffy sitting with her back against a concrete retaining wall for a culvert that ran along a field far outside the town. Sobbing quietly, arms around knees, weight of the world sagging her shoulders down. He’d washed off the sweetly sickening wine and gone looking for her, bloodhound to her scent. Before he sat down next to her, he took his coat off and put it over her shoulders. These days they didn’t always have to show their awareness of one another, and she acknowledged him with a brush of her fingertips along his arm.
“You have to make decisions,” he said. “No matter the outcome, sometimes just waiting is as bad a decision as action.” He moved his arm over her shoulders and drew her tight; she placed her hand flat against his chest.
“I can’t...” The ghost of her courage hovered around her, but he knew she couldn’t see it, had lost whatever tangible connection to it she’d relied on before.
“You can. You will. You’re the one taught me to be strong, Buffy. Everything that happened... I’d still be back there, probably just a decaying heap of dust, if it wasn’t for you.”
“No. You taught me something. About just how far it’s worth going for someone else. I can’t be that strong anymore. I don’t think I have it left in me now.” He slid her sideways, cradled in his arms, head resting against his chest. She was so warm; truths were so cold.
“Did it for all the wrong reasons. I look behind me and see all those burned bridges, the mistakes... never knew what I needed till you showed me.” Sometimes he thought he was in too much of a rush to fade from her life, as if by his absence he could make her work better. But when he looked down the road a ways, he could sometimes see her there, waiting for him. The look on her face the same one she wore when she unchained him from the First’s dark hole.
“If you don’t love, you won’t get love. You reminded me of that,” she said quietly. “I sometimes wondered if I could be as strong as someone who would endure what you endured just for the chance to be with the person they wanted. Even if I didn’t want you to do it... I understood the sacrifice.”
“You did that every bloody day with Angel when I first knew you. Look. We gonna sit here and quibble over who’s stronger than who?” Spike laughed a little, but Buffy didn’t. He wrapped her up more tightly in the coat, began rocking her back and forth a bit and humming some vague tune low in his throat. After a time, when she’d closed her eyes, he said, “They won’t give up on you. Might look that way at first, but they won’t. They can’t be strong without your strength. They know that.”
“Nothing is worth this. Nothing they could ever have felt for me is worth this. Show me. Show me how to survive this, because I don’t know.” Her voice was twisted with pain, every muscle in her body quivering with the tension of just living.
“Sleep right now. We’ll figure it out in the light.” There hadn’t been many times in his life he’d pulled out the rubbishy hypno tricks he’d learned from Dru, but if ever there was a time for them it was now. He stared at her, focused in on her pupils, willing her to let go and relax, until he could feel her melt away in his arms. Her eyelids slowly drooped, and her breathing slowed.
He’d watched Buffy like this for a bit now, and it would be getting on morning soon, so he’d have to rouse her. But he knew her by now, knew she was done with the hiding and the crying, and would go back and do it all again, because that’s what slayers did and that’s what Buffy did better than any other slayer. Spike had thought she wanted him around because he could fight; now he understood that she wanted him there to love her. That that’s where she got her strength from. She’d accepted it from others before, now she was ready to accept it from him. Oh, she’d never ask it; somehow they’d moved past the asking and the telling to someplace else.
A place where they loved, but were not lovers. Before they’d been alone even when they were together. Spike would never let her be alone again. She would stand her ground now, and he would stand with her.
2. I keep wondering if I'm the only (semi-sane) Spike and Buffy lover left in the world? Am I? It seems like everyone is either into the slash with Spike and anyone, or Faith now, or Will, or... hell, anyone. And sometimes the Spuffy lovers make me crazy. Is everyone running away from Spuffiness like rats desertig a sinking ship as we make our way to the end? Is it so five minutes ago and I'm just clinging to it like '80s guys to their mullets and Trans Ams?
3. Mammograms fucking hurt. Anyone who tells you different is a big fat freaking liar. If a guy had to go through this, you can bet they'd have come up with a device for these that would in no way hurt, and that in fact would probably be stimulating and fun.
4. I joined this writer's circle last fall, and it's one of the best things I've done for myself in a long, long time. We do timed exercises where you're not allowed to edit yourself, which is tough for me because I'm, well, an editor, and I think that my writing in general is very weak until I get the chance to edit. I do not talk about my fan writing at all, but we had a timed theme exercise and this time, I didn't feel like writing RL stuff, just Buffy stuff. I've never understood the challenge things or the quick fic things or even posting stuff on LJ before, and I'm not sure why I'm even doing it now, but this was my timed writing if anyone's interested. I feel very weird posting it here. But maybe I'll have something better soon that's more real storyish, I hope. (It's set after Dirty Girls, but it's not terribly spoilery in that it's not all revealy about anything, only stupid character crap, but just so's you know.)
When we were lovers, we didn’t love. We did everything but, he thought as he looked at her face and brushed her hair away from her neck, stroking the side of her head. His obsession, her desperation, and sex don’t add up to love, Spike had realized at some point, he didn’t remember when. Maybe when they’d both finally crossed the lines they’d drawn separately, before they’d known each other. They’d acted like lovers but they had each been on their own journey, one-way trains to nowhere, passing each other in the dark. Now they loved, but they did not act like lovers.
He held her in his arms, her breath quiet and the wounds on her face so vivid yet in the darkness. He’d found Buffy sitting with her back against a concrete retaining wall for a culvert that ran along a field far outside the town. Sobbing quietly, arms around knees, weight of the world sagging her shoulders down. He’d washed off the sweetly sickening wine and gone looking for her, bloodhound to her scent. Before he sat down next to her, he took his coat off and put it over her shoulders. These days they didn’t always have to show their awareness of one another, and she acknowledged him with a brush of her fingertips along his arm.
“You have to make decisions,” he said. “No matter the outcome, sometimes just waiting is as bad a decision as action.” He moved his arm over her shoulders and drew her tight; she placed her hand flat against his chest.
“I can’t...” The ghost of her courage hovered around her, but he knew she couldn’t see it, had lost whatever tangible connection to it she’d relied on before.
“You can. You will. You’re the one taught me to be strong, Buffy. Everything that happened... I’d still be back there, probably just a decaying heap of dust, if it wasn’t for you.”
“No. You taught me something. About just how far it’s worth going for someone else. I can’t be that strong anymore. I don’t think I have it left in me now.” He slid her sideways, cradled in his arms, head resting against his chest. She was so warm; truths were so cold.
“Did it for all the wrong reasons. I look behind me and see all those burned bridges, the mistakes... never knew what I needed till you showed me.” Sometimes he thought he was in too much of a rush to fade from her life, as if by his absence he could make her work better. But when he looked down the road a ways, he could sometimes see her there, waiting for him. The look on her face the same one she wore when she unchained him from the First’s dark hole.
“If you don’t love, you won’t get love. You reminded me of that,” she said quietly. “I sometimes wondered if I could be as strong as someone who would endure what you endured just for the chance to be with the person they wanted. Even if I didn’t want you to do it... I understood the sacrifice.”
“You did that every bloody day with Angel when I first knew you. Look. We gonna sit here and quibble over who’s stronger than who?” Spike laughed a little, but Buffy didn’t. He wrapped her up more tightly in the coat, began rocking her back and forth a bit and humming some vague tune low in his throat. After a time, when she’d closed her eyes, he said, “They won’t give up on you. Might look that way at first, but they won’t. They can’t be strong without your strength. They know that.”
“Nothing is worth this. Nothing they could ever have felt for me is worth this. Show me. Show me how to survive this, because I don’t know.” Her voice was twisted with pain, every muscle in her body quivering with the tension of just living.
“Sleep right now. We’ll figure it out in the light.” There hadn’t been many times in his life he’d pulled out the rubbishy hypno tricks he’d learned from Dru, but if ever there was a time for them it was now. He stared at her, focused in on her pupils, willing her to let go and relax, until he could feel her melt away in his arms. Her eyelids slowly drooped, and her breathing slowed.
He’d watched Buffy like this for a bit now, and it would be getting on morning soon, so he’d have to rouse her. But he knew her by now, knew she was done with the hiding and the crying, and would go back and do it all again, because that’s what slayers did and that’s what Buffy did better than any other slayer. Spike had thought she wanted him around because he could fight; now he understood that she wanted him there to love her. That that’s where she got her strength from. She’d accepted it from others before, now she was ready to accept it from him. Oh, she’d never ask it; somehow they’d moved past the asking and the telling to someplace else.
A place where they loved, but were not lovers. Before they’d been alone even when they were together. Spike would never let her be alone again. She would stand her ground now, and he would stand with her.
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no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 03:36 pm (UTC)2) This was lovely, just lovely. Good job, and keep writing :-)
3) I've lost your AIM id in the move to the new computer... Can you send it to me again?
4) *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 07:28 pm (UTC)And no, you're definitely not crazed! The past couple days have just been weird, everyone talking like Spuffy is dead. I started to think no one had told me. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 03:49 pm (UTC)I think that's a great description of where their relationship has been since Never Leave Me. And a great little story snippet - it feels right on target for the characters. :) Are you thinking of expanding on this, or are you working on another story?
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 07:31 pm (UTC)And I guess that's one of those things I don't know much about -- do people take fics and snippets and stuff from LJ and do anythign with them? Do they post them on their web sites? I have no idea what the normal course of action is... I'm so lame.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 03:58 pm (UTC)I try to be sane, and I'm still a devoted Spuffy. Nothing's going to make me jump from my beloved ship. I do read fic of other Spike pairings sometimes because he's my favorite character and some are very well written.
That little piece you posted was so beautiful. You really should share more. Both Buffy and Spike are perfectly in character and it's just so sweet!
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 10:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 04:05 pm (UTC)Oh, sweetie, this was beautiful. And this line has said so much about their relationship this season. Expand! Would love to see more S7 fics from you.
And yes, there are many, MANY still sane Spuffy lovers. Do you still lurk about at Crumbling Walls? In the spoiler section? Or even the fic section? Truly sane and lovely people.
Okay, back to your fic.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 10:51 pm (UTC)But I feel better now. Lots better. And hey, seriously, take your time with the story -- no hurry.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 04:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 10:55 pm (UTC)I'm kind of stupid that way. I can't be let out of the house without a guardian.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 05:19 pm (UTC)I hope you write more, too.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 10:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 05:35 pm (UTC)no way we're deserting this ship! I, for one, am planning on going down right with it till the very end.
::salutes bravely::
(Hell, I'd doodle "Spike'nBuffy4-eva!" on my notebooks if it only helped...)
Still a fan of this Show, the Spuffy, and your writing. You know I adore it-- keep going, please.
Would hate to lose you after finding you so late.
& :-)
Mona
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 11:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-19 03:44 am (UTC)Hee. Never mind. You're just so brilliant that your puns come naturally. & ;-)
I started out with many different pairing ideas on this show, and over the years, I've kept morphing.
While I CAME to this fandom after falling in love with Spike through reading the first Sally/Rivka novel, I totally understand: canon whore and proud of it here-- was ok with Xander/Cordy, utterly loved Willow/Oz, found Willow/Tara *adorable* and even thought the Buffy/Angel thing was quite nice (in an angsty, overly dramatic way). Hell, even Riley/Buffy I didn't mind until Spike really entered the stage of Buffy's love life.
But for some reason, this is the one that hit me in a way to make me want to write
And what a writing it is... But yeah. Same here. This is THE ONE. No fictional romance, on TV or otherwise, has ever touched me the way Buffy's and Spike's relationship does. It was love at first read that the powerful dynamics of the two characters on the show only intensified and fueled up to this very day and, I suppose, long after BtVS will have been canceled. Quite a topic, actually. Time permitting (hah!), I may give in to feeling like posting a little Spuffy manifesto after all that's happened and is bound to happen. & :-)
I think I fear losing that joy in the ship if I let the crank cases take over. I'm glad there's folks like you to remind me not to feel that way. Thank you.
You're so welcome. As I said, keep it up.
Yours,
& :-)
Mona
PS: Loved the snippet! MORE!!
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 09:00 pm (UTC)Also, raising my hand as a continuing Spuffy. I'll read fic with Spike/anyone, but I'm still a buffy/Spike fan at heart. Not so sure about the sane part, though...;)
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 11:07 pm (UTC)And since you're visiting in the states, aren't you, that would work!
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 09:34 pm (UTC)I also am a Spuffy fan, but I might be a little crazy. Their relationship is simply more interesting that of the other characters. You never know where its going. Plus, its dead sexy.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-18 11:04 pm (UTC)Another Spuffy
Date: 2003-04-18 09:48 pm (UTC)::sigh:: You write such sweet, lovely Spuffy -- thanks for this.
Is everyone running away from Spuffiness like rats desertig a sinking ship as we make our way to the end?
Oh god, I hope not ... It's a testament to Spike's appeal that there's so much great fic out there pairing him with so many other characters. But there are tons of Spuffy lovers like us still on board.
Re: Another Spuffy
Date: 2003-04-18 11:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-19 08:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-19 08:40 am (UTC)A place where they loved, but were not lovers.
I love this discription of their relationship. It is exactly where they are right now in cannon too, and I think it's lovely. Great fic.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-20 06:59 pm (UTC)2) Love, love, love this story to little bits and pieces. I know other people have already commented on the "loved, but were not lovers" line, but it just so epitomizes to me where they are right now. Thank you so much for this story.