Randominity

[gwyn]

Stuff that has been richocheting around in my empty head:

1. Today is the one year anniversary of my LJ. I'm not sure what that means, exactly. A year ago, merryish convinced me, with her infectious enthusiasm, that LJ wasn't the root of all evil in fandom, and that since I missed writing reviews and essays, it might be a good way to get more involved with Buffy fandom, especially, as I was having a hard time getting connected with people and places I could have discussions about the show.

There are times I think I should have always kept it from being personal in any way, and also times when I wonder why I do it at all. It's helped me make some wonderful friends in the fandom; it's also helped me get back into a kind of writing that I guess I'm better at than fiction, I'm starting to think -- essays, personal discourses. But it also feeds on my biggest insecurities, those big hairy mastodon-sized issues I have with lack of self-esteem, rejection, being excluded, or ignored. There's something about, say, the act of posting about a story and getting hardly any responses, or spilling your guts about something important to you and hearing nothing in response, that can feed on anyone's insecurities, and it's a weird concept, anyways, to be publicly doing either of those things, or any of the other things we use our LJs for. Or at least, for anyone who's me. ;-) I've never quite figured out how I really feel about it.

LJ reminds me all too often of the pain of junior high and high school, of being excluded or feeling unworthy, yet going, "Hey, look at me! Please?" Especially if you let yourself do the dreaded comparison -- someone posts about staring at the floor for hours (this is all just made up as a for instance, it's nothing and no one specific I'm using as example) and they get 40 responses; you post about a new story and get five, and then wonder if that means anything. This is a trap that I've seen happen in e-mail lists before, where people get angry that when they post, no one responds, but when others post about anything, they're deluged with responses -- and LJ seems to amplify this kind of situation. (Or at least, for self-loathing individuals like me.) I've never quite got a handle on it, there are times I have to stop myself from seeing LJ as an extension of the high school cliques that scorned me; I have to remind myself over and over that I'm an adult and this is not that world. LJ is cool; LJ is also weird.

2. My furnace is fixed, as is the sewer clean-out that the guys discovered was dripping because of a wrong-sized cover onto the dirt floor, starting a mushroom colony (and no, I have no idea whether they were "good" mushrooms or not, but since they were growing in sewer drippings, I'm thinking not), thus explaining the earthy smell coming through the vents when the furnace kicked on. That was $660 I hadn't anticipated spending, and now the trip back to England, Wales, and France I'd been hoping for next spring will not happen. And I'm very disappointed.

3. Yesterday was apparently Beta Appreciation Day, but I did not know this. I think I'm mostly pretty appreciative of my editors all the time, or at least I hope -- I thank them on my web site, shower them with thanks when they finish editing something, etc. Although sweet_ali could probably confirm whether I'm a stingy Scroogey boss writer or not, since she's done the vast majority of the beta work for me in the past year, and I adore her for it. Hopefully she is not huddled, waiting for the lash to come down, muttering about what a Simon Legree I am.

But it left me with a strange feeling, because... I will never get thanked for beta appreciation day since no one lets me beta their work. Sniff. I offer constantly, yet no one I know takes me up on my offer. I assume that, for people who know me in RL, this is because they're afraid of me. I'm an editor by trade, and maybe they think I'll drive them into comas by explaining why the nominative case needs to be employed in this sentence, or the dangling modifier makes this whole part unintentionally hilarious, or "don't you know that this use of the subjunctive is just wrong, you hack moron?"

I feel like those street people who try to wash windshields of cars stopped in traffic, hoping for a handout because I gave them "services" that they didn't want. Or something. I've had a lot of people tell me that you can't beta for people in other fandoms -- but I believe this is a spurious allegation. Most of us are at least familiar in a cursory way with our friends' fandoms, and characterization or interpretation of canon isn't necessarily the only thing a beta should be offering a writer (in my world, anyway). In fact, if the writer is decent enough, quibbling over differing interpretations of characterization shouldn't even happen at all -- a good writer will have an interpretation that they've backed up with the writing, so then they wouldn't have to bicker endlessly over minutiae of canon or character with a beta, and those unfortunate hexes on the beta's future generations, or impolite name-calling in foreign languages, wouldn't have to happen.

Besides, it's all about the first thing any decent editor learns when we get into this field -- the power of the query. If you're not super familiar with the psychological makeup of a character from a fandom you're not in, you ask questions, which gets the writer to thinking about how their presentation might affect readers both familiar and unfamiliar. I think that's a good thing. Even if you and your beta don't share the intimate knowledge of so and so's boxers or briefs choice, or whether they prefer the left or right side of the bed, you can still get things like tone, structure, grammar, etc. out of a halfway decent beta.

I used to get asked once in a very, very great while. And a lot of those folks who asked me weren't in my fandoms, but I knew enough about story to help them. It's been weird, having this experience and knowledge and enthusiasm, and knowing I can't share it. (Not that I necessarily want to share it with hack morons, but you know what I mean.)I'm the Horshack of fans, always raising my hand, offering, but the Mr. Kotters call on other people. ;-) And I also realize that I'm utterly alone in my belief about this, and have been told dozens of times that people won't read out of their fandom, and they won't beta, either. I do both, but I guess I'm kinda strange.

4. I don't like either Eve on Angel, or Lauren on Alias, but for different reasons than it seems others don't. I've seen both actresses in other things, and neither of them struck me as very good. That's my major objection -- they're both relying on simpery mannerisms to try to seem either sexy or appealing, but they're not strong enough to carry off these fairly significant roles. Eve's actress is trying too hard for the sophisticated saucy thing, and she doesn't have the gravity as an actress to carry it off; Lauren's is relying on her overbite and giant-sized lips, but she's just dwarfed in talent when she's in a room with pros like Carl Lumley, Victor Garber, and Ron Rifkin -- not to mention Jennifer Garner. If Lena Olin comes back, she'll be eaten alive. Plus, I want an explanation for the super posh English accent from an American senator's daughter from Virginia.

5. I think my new secret shame is going to be Tarzan. After cringing through just the Mitch Pileggi scenes (he looks so good! Wrinkly, but good! And all his Mitchly mannerisms are back in full force -- the head twitch, the squint, the shoulder roll...), I gave the full episode another try, and it wasn't that bad. Stupid idea, but then, so was Birds of Prey, and I liked that. I'm sure it will die; I'm hoping WB will keep showing it on Sundays early, so that I don't have to rely on my faulty memory to tape it when it's on opposite Alias.

Comments

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you have a livejournal; I wouldn't know you at all, otherwise. :-)

And I'd be thrilled for you to beta for me, if I were writing anything of substance. But these days I'm mostly writing vignettes for ds_flashfiction, which are fun but are very small endeavors for me -- RL is overwhelming and I'm enjoying flashfic precisely because it can be written, and read, very quickly. I still run my vignettes by folks who've beta'd for me for a long time, because I am something of a perfectionist and I want things with my name on them to be good -- but I'm not sure I'm sufficiently invested in them to run them by a new beta. If that makes any sense.

I have high hopes of someday writing some more Charles/Erik (XMM), or more Harry/Snape (HP), but I don't know that you care for either of those pairings/fandoms. Then again, you say you're happy to beta outside your usual sphere(s), so maybe that doesn't matter. :-)

I haven't managed to read your new story yet, but given how much I liked "Heliotrope," I'm quite looking forward to it. I'm saving it for myself, like a box of chocolates, for the next time I can sit down and actually savor it...

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I've gotten to know you, too!

I know what you mean about the flashfic stuff -- it's hard to want to sit down and treat it with the same attention, and I know when I've written quick snippets for my writing circle, sometimes I see the value in not revising stuff like that.

And hey, if you ever do need a beta, I would love to! You have such talent and ability that I can't imagine even having to work much. ;-) And Charles/Erik is quite appealing, and while I haven't read the HP books, I feel pretty familiar with the basics due to the intense interest in that from so many of my friends. It's like osmosis!

[zoerayne]

I offer constantly, yet no one I know takes me up on my offer. I assume that, for people who know me in RL, this is because they're afraid of me.

I know you and I'm not afraid! To demonstrate this, let me ask you to beta (or edit, if you prefer the term) an Angel/Lindsey story for me... [g] It's a little...different...and I'm not entirely sure I've accomplished what I set out to, so I could really use some input. Email me?

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oooo, I will! That would be fun!! A/L... prrrowwwrrr.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

But it left me with a strange feeling, because... I will never get thanked for beta appreciation day since no one lets me beta their work. Sniff. I offer constantly, yet no one I know takes me up on my offer. I assume that, for people who know me in RL, this is because they're afraid of me. I'm an editor by trade, and maybe they think I'll drive them into comas by explaining why the nominative case needs to be employed in this sentence, or the dangling modifier makes this whole part unintentionally hilarious, or "don't you know that this use of the subjunctive is just wrong, you hack moron?"

Awww. That can't be the reason. Honestly, I'd be thrilled if you felt like looking over my pathetic excuses for writing. & ;-) Really not an author or anything, but as you said it, in the exhibitionist world of LJ...
Wanted to put up my tiny Faith/Wes piecelet soon but still need someone to look over it. Up for it?

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I would love to -- I'd be honored, seriously. And Faith and Wes really appeals to me, a lot.

[ginmar.livejournal.com]

I'd have asked you, except you're such a good writer---my favorite, actually---that I was afraid you'd turn me down with a sniff of disgust. "Oh, God, not her! She can barely put the sentences together!"

So it's your own fault. If you would just aspire to be more mediocre, you'd be deluged with offers.

I think I just insulted myself, but I can't quite figure out how.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I just spit tea all over my keyboard. You are so funny. Well, if you ever find yourself in a bind, just ask -- I would love work with someone who writes such incredibly lovely fic.

[ginmar.livejournal.com]

I just spit tea all over my keyboard.

Then my work here is done.

I would love work with someone who writes such incredibly lovely fic.

Mom? How did you get a LiveJournal?

I'd actually have said the same thing, but God it'd turn ugly fast, what with all the complimenting going back and forth. I really do like your stuff, and, well, I really don't like a lot. As a matter of fact, I hate most stuff. And I hate it passionately. I'm not sure whether you should be comforted, flattered, or horrified, frankly. I'd make some sort of remark about ambivalence right now in an attempt to be witty, except I'm reasonably certain that ambivalence is limited to two emotions for a sort of either/or effect. I doubt I've had enough caffeine for that sort of thing and there's little doubt it would come out weird. As it seems to have done. Oh, well.

Heh. You should see the first draft of my fic some days. I'm saying that as sort of a dire prophecy. My old beta was ehann and she used to speak of my comma abuse in the sort of dazed tones (so to speak) that only people who've seen Rush Limbaugh naked use.

[dragolyn.livejournal.com]

If I was writing right now, you'd be the first person I'd turn to for a beta.

And Mitch Pileggi is wrinkley now?? Sad, that. *sniffle*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

He's kind wrinkly around the eyes (not unlike our lovely boy ASH), but not so much the rest of the face. I mean, I know it's inevitable, after all, he's, you know, old, but still... it's always a little jarring when you don't see someone regularly on screen and then you notice the changes in their faces. But he looks smashing otherwise -- fit and in shape, and no Skinner glasses!

[glassslipper.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about LJ being kind of weird, and in its worst form, exclusive and junior-high school-ish. I've only been on a little while, and I don't have any RL pals on LJ to chat with. But I've met some really neat people, who bring up issues both entirely new and reassuringly familiar. So unless I get flamed outright, I'll keep checking in.

And you are a fantastic writer (I love Heliotrope, and the sequel) and it may be that people's anxieties keep them from asking you to beta. As a total novice, it is hard for me to ask anyone to beta - why would they want to bother? And it risks the rejection that, as you pointed out, is all too common on LJ. But I bet you'll be swamped with requests now that you've posted your feelings!!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I do get that -- the fear of asking people. When I first got into Buffy fandom, even though I'd been heavily involved with media fandom for years and years and had written a lot in other places, it felt like sitting at the little kids' table sometimes -- I wanted to talk with people, but didn't know how to approach the big table, or feel like I had a voice.

But I emphatically believe in a classless fan society, I really do. I hate the obsession with status and everything, because I think there are all these people with all these different gifts, and just because their gift might not include writing or vidding, that doesn't mean their value is any less -- so I wish that everyone could just ask or find help or comment... that it was freer and more open, I guess. Even though I do get that timid feeling.

[phantomas.livejournal.com]

Point 1 - I am happy that you have a LJ, I am glad you're out there and willing to share your thoughts.
Point 3 - Beta! I would ask you to beta for me (I always try to have at least one beta that is not very familiar with what I write, it makes for a reading of the story that is free from expectations, assumptions and so on - besides, you're some kind of a hero to me;), if I had finished to write what I am supposed to be writing...

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

That's the key thing -- we have to finish the stuff before we can get a beta! ;-)

I've always kind of liked it when people challenge me with a question on interpretation of canon or characterization -- it shows not only that they're carefully reading, but that there might be more work for me to do to make things clearer, which is only for the good. But sometimes it's even less about knowing the fandom than just being... aware, I guess. A friend of mine had an editor once who was incredibly unaware of even the most basic of pop culture references, and my friend's style of writing is very zingy and snarky and filled with such refs. So the beta wanted her to explain a joke that pretty much anyone in the known universe would get except the beta, because she didn't get it.

I thought that was an excellent example of something I think is maybe more important than fandom knowledge -- the ability to see a larger picture. I mean, explain a joke. Explain! Arg. I'll take less character knowledge any day over something like that.

in praise of gwyn

[darkwoods.livejournal.com]

I love your work, (I just re-read your Lydia thesis). God such a great idea and so wonderfully executed. I loved all the Scoobie quotes.
If I would ever have the nerve to share anything resembling a story on my LJ I'd die to have you for a beta.

Re: in praise of gwyn

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Hey, I even come with a death-free clause! No extra payment required or anything!

[umbo.livejournal.com]

Feeling guilty here because I can't remember if you ever offered to or actually did beta for me--but I would think if you had, I would have taken you up on it, because I'm always desperate for beta readers. But I wouldn't have thought of asking you because I figured you had not a lot of interest in my fandoms.

Still and all, I'm really glad you have an LJ, because otherwise I never would have met you online, and now I'm going to meet you in RL, and I'm excited, because you're a cool person, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong ;-)

[klia.livejournal.com]

I feel like less of a freak now, because I sort of enjoyed Tarzan, too. I liked Jane quite a bit, and didn't expect to. And T-man, well, pfwor. He can sniff my neck anytime.