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I feel like the luckiest person around, despite being, essentially, fired yesterday. So many of you have left me good wishes, and bunches of you have written to me privately to offer assistance, and already I have friends digging around doing research about benefits and unemployment stuff and freelance, and even help trying to troubleshoot why my beloved iMac is suddenly fritzing out on me something fierce. It's weird, but it's not often the really bad stuff that makes me cry (though it sometimes does), but kindness and generosity that makes me sob. The way so many people who have never even met me, or have only met me once or twice, have offered me so much help makes this so much easier.
I thought about things a little last night and got some good persepctive. Strangely, the first person who was purged by NewGuy was meeting me for dinner last night, and we ended up getting a pizza and staying in and discussing this. She gives these killer bearhugs and I thought she'd crush my ribs, she was so upset and worried for me. NewGuy in essence fired her (actually had his superior fire her) about three months ago, because he hated her and because she stated her opinion and she didn't realize that by acting in her position as office mom, which she'd been for 8 years, made NG hate her even more. She has been depressed and so down that she never even filed for unemployment, but I think has now been kicked into gear. NewGuy had painted it as D having issues with him and not being a very good employee, and has made snotty remarks about her since then; we never knew the truth, most of us, until we saw D later. I realized a couple things in talking to her: one is that NewGuy is a horrible *little* man in every aspect of the word. He's physically little and I noticed that all three of us who have been purged are tall, two are women, older, with actual opinions and really specialized skill sets, which he doesn't think my office needs. He has a little Grinchy heart (two sizes too small) and a little pinched face and he's little in ability and humanity. There's this terrible part of me that wants to just draw myself up to my full height, put on my Stuart Weitzman boots with the 2-3/4 inch heels, and sneer "You are a *little* man." But, I know better than to burn bridges of any kind, no matter how I feel about them.
The other thing I realized is that he can't stand that other people are more liked or fun or whatever, and he wants to make that office over in reflection of his ethics and beliefs, which are not only completely not what our main bread and butter client wants, but not what any of those people are like. I used to love working there -- some of the most wonderful people I've ever met came and went through the doors, and the first two years were just plain *fun.* He is getting rid of people who were fun and liked to laugh and joke, and he has no sense of humor except a mean, snarky, sarcastic in the worst sense cruel idea of "humor." The kind where he makes a joke at someone's expense and then gives them shit for not laughing at it because it's just a joke. I've always hated that kind of thing in the extreme. So he can call my dismissal a reorganization or a layoff, but all it is is a purge, and if he could get rid of the designer (who he can't touch because she's our design firm's only designer) and another older woman in production, he would. I think he had to get rid of the young, mildly incompetent account assistant yesterday because otherwise he'd get sued for age discrimination -- they made a huge deal of it on the packet they gave me. Too bad there's not a tallness discrimination clause. I'm used to small man syndrome, I've dealt with it all my life, but it's just so pathetic that it's hard to not want to bitch-slap these morons.
Most of my life I've heard this message that I'm worthless, and I think he really played into that yesterday. I never looked at him once during the little firing session, and the nice HR guy, who is friends with D, actually seemed surprised when I told him, as we waited for a cab so i could take my things home, when I said NewGuy was a hateful person who hated most of us in production (including D) and was going to completely lose our client's faith by continuing to purge the office of its long-term employees. D confirmed that for me last night when she said that our client has called her to ask if my firm can do the work for her. I also pointed out to HR guy that since NG's been here, we've made something like four or five pitches for new business, and lost all of them. I think it's a pattern. People can't relate to NG, he's a dead fish and he's not warm or human. I think people sense that. I'm afraid for the friends who stil work there, because I'm afraid that new work won't be coming if NG keeps this up.
I'm a nobody, but I'm also a nobody who worked with some of those main clients for over four years. They know me, they trust my work, and they will not care as long as their work gets done, but they will take note of my leaving and they will mark it down with the other reasons not to use my firm, even if we are the only ones who really do it right. That really makes me sad, almost as sad as I feel for myself right now. I was naive and stupid to think that having so much work lately would protect me. Both D and I admitted that if NewGuy was kicked out and we were offered our jobs back, we'd probably take them, stupid as that sounds. It has never been the same without her, though -- she truly was the heart and soul of our office, and NewGuy killed it when he got rid of her.
So today I just am sitting around, dumping stuff to tape and watching tv and reading mail. I know you're supposed to get on the horse again and all that, but I just want to wallow a little and figure out what I want to do. I'm a good editor, but I'm scared I won't be competent at book editing, which I'd still love to do. I'm scared about business stuff in being self employed. I'm just scared, period. I watched the Angel ep from last night, and it was every bit as incredible as others have said. My god, I loved every second of it, and it perked me up a lot. Ultimate Drew wins again. And in between, my friend Tina is helping me try to troubleshoot this computer thing, and I realize how lucky again I am to be surrounded by technically competent people. And best news of all -- late last night, my files came through. Apparently neither the HR guy nor my boss had anything to do with it, but my guess is they might have read the files, realized they were safe, and let them go through. This was such a relief that I can't even find words. I have the essay I wanted to work on for possible marketing, my Buffy story, and my Amazon.com gift certificate, so all's right.
It's a grey, blustery, seriously wet day with winds and flooding rain. I was going to go to the library, but decided to stay and wallow. Then do my bank books and see what's the what. Figure out what I want to do later. I guess I can't even file for unemployment until my official termination date, which is next week. They left me on so that I could get benefits through end of month. My dad, who wouldn't know how to give emotional support to you if he had a bucket of it in his hands, gave me his usual, whatever, stuff happens response yesterday, but told me not to worry about money. I don't want to be a 43-year-old woman living off my dad, but his only way of showing love is by giving me money. So. So I'm just going to try to take it a day at a time, all that stuff, and try really hard not to hear that voice in my head that I've heard all my life telling me I'm useless and worthless, and see what happens next. My tickets were already bought for Escapade, so I'm going regardless, and a lot of folks have offered help for getting through the daily expenses of a con, and that's so nice. It's the kindness of strangers and friends that will get me through the hard part, and I've learned in the past 24 hours that I have that in abundance.
I thought about things a little last night and got some good persepctive. Strangely, the first person who was purged by NewGuy was meeting me for dinner last night, and we ended up getting a pizza and staying in and discussing this. She gives these killer bearhugs and I thought she'd crush my ribs, she was so upset and worried for me. NewGuy in essence fired her (actually had his superior fire her) about three months ago, because he hated her and because she stated her opinion and she didn't realize that by acting in her position as office mom, which she'd been for 8 years, made NG hate her even more. She has been depressed and so down that she never even filed for unemployment, but I think has now been kicked into gear. NewGuy had painted it as D having issues with him and not being a very good employee, and has made snotty remarks about her since then; we never knew the truth, most of us, until we saw D later. I realized a couple things in talking to her: one is that NewGuy is a horrible *little* man in every aspect of the word. He's physically little and I noticed that all three of us who have been purged are tall, two are women, older, with actual opinions and really specialized skill sets, which he doesn't think my office needs. He has a little Grinchy heart (two sizes too small) and a little pinched face and he's little in ability and humanity. There's this terrible part of me that wants to just draw myself up to my full height, put on my Stuart Weitzman boots with the 2-3/4 inch heels, and sneer "You are a *little* man." But, I know better than to burn bridges of any kind, no matter how I feel about them.
The other thing I realized is that he can't stand that other people are more liked or fun or whatever, and he wants to make that office over in reflection of his ethics and beliefs, which are not only completely not what our main bread and butter client wants, but not what any of those people are like. I used to love working there -- some of the most wonderful people I've ever met came and went through the doors, and the first two years were just plain *fun.* He is getting rid of people who were fun and liked to laugh and joke, and he has no sense of humor except a mean, snarky, sarcastic in the worst sense cruel idea of "humor." The kind where he makes a joke at someone's expense and then gives them shit for not laughing at it because it's just a joke. I've always hated that kind of thing in the extreme. So he can call my dismissal a reorganization or a layoff, but all it is is a purge, and if he could get rid of the designer (who he can't touch because she's our design firm's only designer) and another older woman in production, he would. I think he had to get rid of the young, mildly incompetent account assistant yesterday because otherwise he'd get sued for age discrimination -- they made a huge deal of it on the packet they gave me. Too bad there's not a tallness discrimination clause. I'm used to small man syndrome, I've dealt with it all my life, but it's just so pathetic that it's hard to not want to bitch-slap these morons.
Most of my life I've heard this message that I'm worthless, and I think he really played into that yesterday. I never looked at him once during the little firing session, and the nice HR guy, who is friends with D, actually seemed surprised when I told him, as we waited for a cab so i could take my things home, when I said NewGuy was a hateful person who hated most of us in production (including D) and was going to completely lose our client's faith by continuing to purge the office of its long-term employees. D confirmed that for me last night when she said that our client has called her to ask if my firm can do the work for her. I also pointed out to HR guy that since NG's been here, we've made something like four or five pitches for new business, and lost all of them. I think it's a pattern. People can't relate to NG, he's a dead fish and he's not warm or human. I think people sense that. I'm afraid for the friends who stil work there, because I'm afraid that new work won't be coming if NG keeps this up.
I'm a nobody, but I'm also a nobody who worked with some of those main clients for over four years. They know me, they trust my work, and they will not care as long as their work gets done, but they will take note of my leaving and they will mark it down with the other reasons not to use my firm, even if we are the only ones who really do it right. That really makes me sad, almost as sad as I feel for myself right now. I was naive and stupid to think that having so much work lately would protect me. Both D and I admitted that if NewGuy was kicked out and we were offered our jobs back, we'd probably take them, stupid as that sounds. It has never been the same without her, though -- she truly was the heart and soul of our office, and NewGuy killed it when he got rid of her.
So today I just am sitting around, dumping stuff to tape and watching tv and reading mail. I know you're supposed to get on the horse again and all that, but I just want to wallow a little and figure out what I want to do. I'm a good editor, but I'm scared I won't be competent at book editing, which I'd still love to do. I'm scared about business stuff in being self employed. I'm just scared, period. I watched the Angel ep from last night, and it was every bit as incredible as others have said. My god, I loved every second of it, and it perked me up a lot. Ultimate Drew wins again. And in between, my friend Tina is helping me try to troubleshoot this computer thing, and I realize how lucky again I am to be surrounded by technically competent people. And best news of all -- late last night, my files came through. Apparently neither the HR guy nor my boss had anything to do with it, but my guess is they might have read the files, realized they were safe, and let them go through. This was such a relief that I can't even find words. I have the essay I wanted to work on for possible marketing, my Buffy story, and my Amazon.com gift certificate, so all's right.
It's a grey, blustery, seriously wet day with winds and flooding rain. I was going to go to the library, but decided to stay and wallow. Then do my bank books and see what's the what. Figure out what I want to do later. I guess I can't even file for unemployment until my official termination date, which is next week. They left me on so that I could get benefits through end of month. My dad, who wouldn't know how to give emotional support to you if he had a bucket of it in his hands, gave me his usual, whatever, stuff happens response yesterday, but told me not to worry about money. I don't want to be a 43-year-old woman living off my dad, but his only way of showing love is by giving me money. So. So I'm just going to try to take it a day at a time, all that stuff, and try really hard not to hear that voice in my head that I've heard all my life telling me I'm useless and worthless, and see what happens next. My tickets were already bought for Escapade, so I'm going regardless, and a lot of folks have offered help for getting through the daily expenses of a con, and that's so nice. It's the kindness of strangers and friends that will get me through the hard part, and I've learned in the past 24 hours that I have that in abundance.
