Where's Hermie when I need him?

When I was a kid, I didn't mind going to the dentist that much. I found it much less challenging than going to a doctor. It changed when I started having to take a lot of medications -- I was swallowing so many pills for a while that I developed a horrible gag reflex (no porn film career for me!), so debilitating that there are times I can barely brush my teeth. That's why I followed my dental hygeinist to a different office when she moved, and was disappointed when she left recently for a new career. I've been going to her for 20 years or so, because she went the extra mile to make it possible for me to take those torturous x-rays and things like that. I didn't go to the dentist for a long time after she left, partly because I didn't like the new people at the office and partly because I lost my insurance.

But when I went back a few months ago I found I had some cavities, which I've never really had before. I had a bunch of fillings put in as a kid as protection (they felt the grooves were too deep in my molars and that a cavity could result in serious damage) and they were wearing away, creating real cavities and cracks in the teeth. They took care of one a few weeks ago and it was horrible -- I need about three times the topical anesthetic that a normal person does, and it wears off instantly so they usually have to shoot me repeatedly. They gave me to the new dentist practicing there and she didn't believe me when I said I needed more (after all, I'm not a medical professional, how could I know?), and I felt like I was in Marathon Man and Laurence Olivier was working his Nazi mojo on me. I shot up off the chair when the drill touched my tooth and they were like, "you can feel that?!" Hell yes, I said. Conversely, I can't take Atavan or Valium because they put me to sleep and I don't have anyone to drive me afterwards, which made me feel like even bigger of a loser than I already feel like when I had to explain it. (No, I have no partner and no sweetie and no friends who can do it and no family either. Shut up. They just stared at me like I was the saddest thing ever.) My jaw slips and my mouth is incredibly small (hard to believe, I know!) so it's really hard and painful to keep it open for two hours, plus I'm not a relaxed person -- I'm hardwired to be tense, it's just how I am. They want me to take those pills but for some reason they don't really relax me so much as knock me out and it's hard to wake up -- something I discovered when I had surgery, too: give me general anesthesia and you may not get me to wake up until you slap the shit out of me and shake me a lot and give me about six extra hours. Laughing gas does nothing.

So now the dentist is this excrutiating thing for me. Last time by the time I got out of there my eyeballs were actually numb, they'd shot me so full of anesthetic on my lip and gums, but it didn't help my teeth! This time, I asked for my old dentist and even though it was two hours of torture not helped by a gagging fit over the clamp on my back teeth, at least this time he tried and he knows how terrible it is for me. But he did something I've never had before, which was a couple of shots on the palate near the bad teeth. Since a crown takes so long, this way they figured they wouldn't have to shoot me up as often, because apparently the palate shot works better for the last-ditch effort patients like me. Damn if it didn't. It hurts a bit more than the regular shots since they can't numb the area as much, but the pain was negligible (and I'm not bothered by needles, really, after years of donating blood) and totally worth it to not feel a drill on the nerves of my teeth even after two hours. Plus it worked really fast. The first crown I ever had was excrutiating -- some sugar or something got under the temp one, and I had no idea people could even feel that level of pain. But now they make the crown in the office by using a computer sim of your tooth, so it's all done in a few hours and no temps. Yay.

I look like a stroke victim, though. My mouth pulls down at the corners and if I try to purse my lips, my whole face pulls down. I can't smile. That palate shot and the four other shots on the side they gave me really worked for a change, and I'm still numb with gradually returning sensation (which is actually just "ow!"), but I'm telling you, if you have trouble with extreme dental work, ask for that palate shot. The tiny bit of pain for the shot is completely endurable and waaayyy better than the pain of having it wear off and getting a drill in your nerves. I hope my face returns to normal soon, but the pain is not something I'm looking forward to -- I took a half Valium this morning to see if it would help relax me without putting me to sleep (it didn't really, just made my head woozy), and with that many drugs pumped into my system, I don't want to add more. Good thing I finished Ciudad part 4 draft last night, because no way can I work on that tonight! I'm taking my aspirin with codeine (God Bless Canada!) and going to bed as soon as I get home, I swear.