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Many of the people on my friends list have been wonderful and kind and supportive to me throughout this whole trauma the past six months, but I think I need to take a break from reading my flist for a while. Reading people dissing my fandoms or my actors, or the endless iconage for House, which just conjures up way too many bad feelings for me, is really hitting all my raw spots. On every given day I feel like someone gave me a Silkwood-style scrubbing with a wire brush and scalding water anyway, but shit-talking about things I love or seeing Hugh Laurie's House face and being reminded of the despicable medical people who failed to treat my sister responsibly, just makes all my flayed nerves even rawer. I can't see any way to avoid it without doing filters, and the truth is, a huge number of the people I really like would be filtered out, so it's just safer to trundle off and stop reading for a while, and hope it gets better. Coping skills @ all-time low right now.
The bad part is that a lot of you leave me words of wisdom and thoughtful things on your journals -- so please let me know if there's something you want me to see. I have a bunch of people bookmarked, anyway, so it's not like I'm not reading *any*one, because there are some people I'd simply never want to miss. Plus, with the Battlestar Galactica finale coming up, I definitely want to read what folks are saying about that.
Things seem to feel worse rather than better lately. But my friend Michael was over last night, and he said what I needed someone to say -- that it's just basically shitty and crappy and no amount of "it'll get better or her suffering is over or you have nothing to feel bad about is going to change the fact that you feel terrible and there's a huge hole in your heart that got carved out with a serrated knife and it's not going to go away, ever. You just learn to cope with it." I dread the phone calls of comforting homilies and religious bullshit, so it was really good to hear him say that. His dad was like a second dad to me, and his mother was my second mom and a huge influence on me; Mr. O died when we were around 20, and Mrs. died about 12 years ago. Then a few years ago he lost his dearest, oldest friend to a couple of joy-riding stoned kids who'd stolen a car, and killed our friend by hitting him with the stolen car as he rode his bike over to see his two small girls. Michael reminded me that he's never really recovered from our friend's death, and he said, "It just sucks more than anything, and I've tried to find the Does Not Suck reset button, but it doesn't exist." Which is pretty much how I feel.
Maybe by cutting down on LJ reading, I can focus on other things like the usage posts and movie posts and also getting back to the fanfic that people are waiting for. I don't know. But it's at least something I can do to make things a bit easier for myself. Without a Does Not Suck reset button, I'm not sure what else to do.
The bad part is that a lot of you leave me words of wisdom and thoughtful things on your journals -- so please let me know if there's something you want me to see. I have a bunch of people bookmarked, anyway, so it's not like I'm not reading *any*one, because there are some people I'd simply never want to miss. Plus, with the Battlestar Galactica finale coming up, I definitely want to read what folks are saying about that.
Things seem to feel worse rather than better lately. But my friend Michael was over last night, and he said what I needed someone to say -- that it's just basically shitty and crappy and no amount of "it'll get better or her suffering is over or you have nothing to feel bad about is going to change the fact that you feel terrible and there's a huge hole in your heart that got carved out with a serrated knife and it's not going to go away, ever. You just learn to cope with it." I dread the phone calls of comforting homilies and religious bullshit, so it was really good to hear him say that. His dad was like a second dad to me, and his mother was my second mom and a huge influence on me; Mr. O died when we were around 20, and Mrs. died about 12 years ago. Then a few years ago he lost his dearest, oldest friend to a couple of joy-riding stoned kids who'd stolen a car, and killed our friend by hitting him with the stolen car as he rode his bike over to see his two small girls. Michael reminded me that he's never really recovered from our friend's death, and he said, "It just sucks more than anything, and I've tried to find the Does Not Suck reset button, but it doesn't exist." Which is pretty much how I feel.
Maybe by cutting down on LJ reading, I can focus on other things like the usage posts and movie posts and also getting back to the fanfic that people are waiting for. I don't know. But it's at least something I can do to make things a bit easier for myself. Without a Does Not Suck reset button, I'm not sure what else to do.
