Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot

[gwyn]

Many of the people on my friends list have been wonderful and kind and supportive to me throughout this whole trauma the past six months, but I think I need to take a break from reading my flist for a while. Reading people dissing my fandoms or my actors, or the endless iconage for House, which just conjures up way too many bad feelings for me, is really hitting all my raw spots. On every given day I feel like someone gave me a Silkwood-style scrubbing with a wire brush and scalding water anyway, but shit-talking about things I love or seeing Hugh Laurie's House face and being reminded of the despicable medical people who failed to treat my sister responsibly, just makes all my flayed nerves even rawer. I can't see any way to avoid it without doing filters, and the truth is, a huge number of the people I really like would be filtered out, so it's just safer to trundle off and stop reading for a while, and hope it gets better. Coping skills @ all-time low right now.

The bad part is that a lot of you leave me words of wisdom and thoughtful things on your journals -- so please let me know if there's something you want me to see. I have a bunch of people bookmarked, anyway, so it's not like I'm not reading *any*one, because there are some people I'd simply never want to miss. Plus, with the Battlestar Galactica finale coming up, I definitely want to read what folks are saying about that.

Things seem to feel worse rather than better lately. But my friend Michael was over last night, and he said what I needed someone to say -- that it's just basically shitty and crappy and no amount of "it'll get better or her suffering is over or you have nothing to feel bad about is going to change the fact that you feel terrible and there's a huge hole in your heart that got carved out with a serrated knife and it's not going to go away, ever. You just learn to cope with it." I dread the phone calls of comforting homilies and religious bullshit, so it was really good to hear him say that. His dad was like a second dad to me, and his mother was my second mom and a huge influence on me; Mr. O died when we were around 20, and Mrs. died about 12 years ago. Then a few years ago he lost his dearest, oldest friend to a couple of joy-riding stoned kids who'd stolen a car, and killed our friend by hitting him with the stolen car as he rode his bike over to see his two small girls. Michael reminded me that he's never really recovered from our friend's death, and he said, "It just sucks more than anything, and I've tried to find the Does Not Suck reset button, but it doesn't exist." Which is pretty much how I feel.

Maybe by cutting down on LJ reading, I can focus on other things like the usage posts and movie posts and also getting back to the fanfic that people are waiting for. I don't know. But it's at least something I can do to make things a bit easier for myself. Without a Does Not Suck reset button, I'm not sure what else to do.

Comments

[falzalot.livejournal.com]

{{gwyn}} You do what you have to do. We'll be here.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for everything you're going through, and I sure know *my* LJ hasn't exactly been a good place lately, so I totally understand your wanting to cut back. I want you to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

*hugs*

[ixchel55.livejournal.com]

Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. And having lost both of my parents in less than peaceful circumstances and way to early I can tell you that you're right; no amount of sympathy, no matter how well meant, is going to make you feel any better. Only time can do that. We'll miss your daily presence, but we'll be here when you're ready to fully emerge again and we'll be waiting for the times you do pop up.

And BTW? I love your usage posts. I've gone back and read them all and I've found them very useful. Thanks.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Cool, I'm glad you found them useful. I figure if just one person places a comma better in a story, or learns the diff between lay and lie, then I've made the world a better place. ;-)

[voleuse.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

[minim_calibre]

Your friend is wise.

(Oh, and I can pretty much sum up the next few weeks of my journal. They'll be like the last few weeks of my journal. "Appointment blah blah blah. Preparing the house blah blah blah. Panic blah blah blah." only at some point, there should be a note along the lines of "Induction scheduled blah blah blah, see you all much later." Trust me. No one skipping it will be missing anything.)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Well, and then there will be a very important one that I won't want to miss. The worst thing about all this stuff happening so quickly is that I wasn't able to spend time with people the way I'd wanted to before, and that includes you. And it sounds like you're back on close watch again. I hope everything goes smoothly... and that everything turns out perfectly.

[minim_calibre]

Honestly, I've haven't been *off* close watch since 15 weeks, which lead to my OB calling me a trooper last week (which I thought was kind of funny, because really, what else can you do in a situation like this?). I'm just getting to the point where it's closer watch to determine the when.

Thank you, by the way. I hope it goes smoothly, too.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Stepping away sounds wise, for all the reasons you cite. Speaking as someone whose current fannish obsession is one that's causing you suffering, I'd rather have you not-read me for a while than risk making you sad with my fannish squee...

[fishsanwitt]

I'm just sending you great big ::hugs::

[spasticat.livejournal.com]

I've had friends who had to do the same thing, step away from reading the flist on lj. It's extremely understandable. I've had to do a similar thing after something heavy happened in my family.

My flist is also full of House-love. I tried watching and only ended up squirming because...the main doctor is the kind that makes me so angry.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

The worst part is that I'm almost not sure how to not read it -- I'm so used to it that it's like autopilot!

But there's no House-free zone for me, and so I have to make oe. I just don't understand how so many sensitive, intelligent, caring women I know are so in love with such an insensitive, stupid, and mean-spirited show, one that celebrates cruelty and viciousness at the worst times of people's lives just so some Diagnosis Murder style medical mystery can be uncovered. I just don't get it, but I don't want to look at it anymore...

[spasticat.livejournal.com]

Exactly...his callous doctor is the kind where I ask myself...did he take a medical ethics class? What little I saw, one ep, showed me what I call the LIttle Gods. Those are the doctors who act like they're little gods...and I might be biased since my Mom was a nurse.

Y'know, I've tried filters with my flist. Of course, I'm absolutely awful of then using those filters. My thing to filter out were those actively involved with any type of "fandom wank". But lately it's more a mention in passing thing so, knocks on wood, so far so good.

[twistedchick]

You take care of yourself. If reading LJ right now makes you unhappy, then don't read it, or don't read the people who are being mean, rude or obnoxious. There are whole sections of LJ that I don't ever read, because if I do I won't be good for anything else.

::hugs, tea, cookies and good thoughts::

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a good plan. I'll try to be more assertive about asking you to look at stuff, or calling you up to chat, as long as you don't mind either of those things. If you do, don't hesitate to say you're not feeling up to whatever. *Hug*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I missed your call last night -- I was having a really, really bad day and just couldn't handle talking last night. Work was just unbelievably cruel (the magazine's fixation on Terri Schiavo and their glib, smug treatment of the issues, plus an edit about a book that includes a poem to a dead sister) yesterday and I really needed to hunker down.

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

Oh man, that sounds like hell. Don't worry about the silly little phone call. I'll keep my fingers crossed that the rest of the week goes better for you.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

In the immortal words of Henry Rollins, "When life hands you a lemon, don't say 'I'll make lemonade' say, 'Fuck you, I LIKE lemons'."

When my mom died, I didn't feel like doing jack and shit for quite some time.

And, frankly, I didn't.

You don't owe anybody lemonade. That includes you.

Get though this how you think you need to get through this.

Will your posts be missed? Yes. You're a brilliant writer. (And I don't just mean your fiction.)

But frankly, anybody who can't figure out that you have the right to set your boundaries how you want, that you have the right to get away from 'net life if you need to, isn't (a) a friend or (b) worth any sort of emotional involvement.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bear Hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[maygra.livejournal.com]

whatever works best for you, hon. But do please let me know if there's anything you need or that I can do.

[paratti.livejournal.com]

Do what you need to do for you. We'll be here for you when you want us.

((((Hugs))))

[varina8.livejournal.com]

Michael sounds very wise. Do what you need to do. We'll catch up later, or offline.

[deliciouspear.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'm a friend of mlyn's. Iv'e been reading your journal for a while, but not really say anything.

But - I just wanted to say that I totally support the "taking a break." I've done it before and it can be very healing.

I hope you feel better, because I think you're cool.

[sweet-ali.livejournal.com]

For the record, i just really agree with your friend Michael. I don't think there's a getting over it. You just learn to function with it. You separate it all into these memory boxes inside you and try not to open them all at once because you know what will happen if you do. But it's always there.

You do what you need to do, Gwyn. I know we usually communicate only during beta times, but just know, I'm always here, whatever you need. My love to you and my best to you.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Michael and I've been through a lot together, so he is the one person I know who really gets what I feel, what I need to hear. Never any platitudes from him, and no lectures on how to believe or "heal." He knows the language of what I'm feeling, and that's a pretty rare things.

[dine.livejournal.com]

taking a break sounds like a really good plan, for a variety of reasons. LJ and your friends will be here, whenever you're ready for it/us. Michael is a wise man - and while things may be easier if there really were a Does Not Suck reset button, you do what you can to cope, given its lack.

*hugs to you*

[destina.livejournal.com]

Others have already said it, but definitely you should do whatever makes things easier for you. And I don't think you'll be missing much, quite honestly; it'll all still be around if you feel like poking in a toe.

Take good care of yourself.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Well, I'll be damned if I'm going to miss the BSG discussions! ;-) Except for the part that 90% of my flist isn't a House-free zone, but many of them are into BSG, too, so I have to figure that out. But I think that's the big thing going on right now that I will probably miss out on. And I like knowing what's going on with my friends, what their day to day lives are like... it's just that it's getting too hard to separate everything else.

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I've been surprised that you've been posting as much as you have. Taking a break from all the external babble makes an enormous amount of sense to me, and I hope that it helps you out.

Take care.

[http://users.livejournal.com/caraway_/]

Hi, Gwyn. Haven't written in your lj before because I checked it out just at the moment your sister died, and I had no idea what to say. In my experience, your friend Michael is right. My brother died almost 10 years ago, and it still leaves a big aching hole about the same size as was there initially. And yesterday I read about a 40 year old guy who killed himself, leaving behind two kids, and the whole horror of my friend who did so two years ago in the same circumstances came back again, in all its glory. No Does Not Suck Reset button. There is a People Go Through This Shit Every Day Reminder Button, but that isn't much help.

What I really wanted to say is that I checked out "The Measure of a Man" last night on your site, and I do think it is glorious. Thank you. Also, "Somniloquy" - can't spell it, but it is one of my favorite fics ever, and I've said so on my lj during fanfic appreciation week. Which is why I checked out your lj a couple of weeks ago. Hope I can continue to do so (I'm not sure I like the term 'friending', it assumes a whole lot).

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Michael and I've both had more than our fair share of grief, to be sure, but I think that's what makes him such a valuable friend. He's been around through all my other experiences, but understands that this one far exceeds the others in loss, and so I think that makes him able to understand what to say to me -- he knows what I'm thinking, so he knows the language I need to hear. That I don't need stuff like "she's at peace" and crap like that. There's a reason we've been friends forever.

I'm really glad you're enjoying Measure. I do really hope to get going on it again when I can -- I know the whole Ch. 9 opening dialog scene by heart, I just haven't had the strength and time to write it yet.

[lapillus]

That sounds terribly sensible to me. If Jackie and I get our act together and get going on the BSG vid idea that we're currently tossing around I'll let you know.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oh, that will so cool! I'm excited about the prospect!

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

You go take care of you. That's the most important thing.

And FYI, here's the next x weeks of my life: work is boring, the Dog of Wonder does something cute, and look, I sat on my butt on the sofa again.

Be well.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Heee -- thank you for the Reader's Digest condensed version!

[nwhepcat.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

Can't add anything to the wisdom of these folks or Michael. Screw other people's timetables, you need to feel how you feel.

You're in my thoughts, chica.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Yes, to all the wise stuff already said here, and with assurances that even if you're not *here* here, in the sense of posting on or reading LJ, you're here in our thoughts and hearts. I don't know how buoying it is, but there are a lot of hands stretched out toward you--grab one any time you need.

And yes to what your friend said; a loss like this is one of those things one doesn't get *over* exactly, one just has to get *through.* It's kind of like crossing the Rockies on foot in the old days, with no option of simply hopping a jet and zooming quickly and easily over it all. I could tell you that somewhere way over on the other side are the foothills, and the place where the land levels out and gets softer and greener and easier, but really, right now you're in the rough terrain and you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, watching out for the goddamn crevasses and loose rocks. Take time to rest and breathe, keep yourself well provisioned and watered, and let us toss you a rope, maybe, from time to time. You'll make it, but to say that it's not a fucking hard trip would be a lie.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah -- this one feels worse than the others, the other grievings or losses, and it's one I just... you'd think that all the other things might have been like practice runs, you know? Like somehow, I'd have learned or figured out how to do it better, easier. But this isn't like anything else, and I just can't cope. But Michael knows what I'm like, how I think, and knows that crap about peace and suffering ending and blah blah don't wash with me much (as I'm sure you understand, because I think that you are a lot like me in this regard), and so he said exactly what I wanted to hear. Sometimes you just need others to voice your thoughts -- as you did for me at times at Escapade.

Every time someone starts going on about how terrible the Internet is -- even when *I* go on about the facelessness of it -- I think about things like this, the people I've met and how I've built friendships that transcend mutualities, and I know it's not a bad place at all.

[leela-cat.livejournal.com]

My only response to what your friend Michael said is "Word".

He's absolutely right.

As for the rest, just do what you got to do and take care of yourself. If you have the energy and the inclination, just let us know how you're doing every once in a while, okay?

[fiercy.livejournal.com]

I haven't said much because there's nothing I can say. It is as Michael said it is. I once read, in "A Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck that, "Life is difficult. Once you accept that life is difficult, it ceases to be so hard."

Bullshit.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No kidding. Bullshit is right -- sheesh. I guess that's why people like Michael *are* so valuable -- they know what you're really feeling, and they know how to say the things you need to hear people say, not tripe that Mr. Peck's!

[elke-tanzer.livejournal.com]

*gentle hugs*

[labgirl2076.livejournal.com]

Oh gwyn, I'm sorry for your loss and sad to hear that you are having troubles coping. It's normal though. I hope you find a way to deal with all that life has thrown your way. Sometimes it's so hard. Know that I think of you and wish you the best.

[makd.livejournal.com]

When you're ready to come back, we'll be here with open arms.

My parents died within 6 years of each other. I was 34 when my father died; the last 4 years we hadn't talked. My mother was terminally ill for 7 years. Years before she died, she didn't recognize me.

I know the loneliness; I know the pain. It's not so much that it gets better, but that it doesn't get worse. Eventually, it flattens out, but it can revive so quickly it can take your breath away.

I send you virtual sharing, virtual hugs, virtual caring, one or two virtual kisses on the forehead. I send you the knowledge - gut knowledge - that you aren't alone; that you have people you can talk to about it, who understand the process and the pain.

My heart is with you. Do what you need to do for YOU;fuck all else.