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Time square
Sep. 13th, 2005 10:04 amI saw this in a couple people's journals, but decided to try it out after ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
true_enough posted hers. It's definitely amusingly on target for me, especially the part of people telling me I'm hard to read, something I get sick of hearing.
( brain patterns )
I'm really stumped about what vid to make for Escapade this year. I'm still not sure I am even going to the con, but I feel like I should at least make a vid, since I've been involved in or made on my own a vid now for 12 years running. I just can't decide between the Professionals, Band of Brothers, or Brotherhood of the Wolf... I think Horatio Hornblower is out of the running, at least right now, because I need to really acquaint myself with the source better, and I don't necessarily want to repeat Keen Eddie again there, although it's a good vid concept. I've been capturing clips for a remaster of There's No Way Out of Here, even though I don't really know why. I don't see the point in remaking it; not enough people care and it's a ponderous old thing, but it gives me something to do in between the rare times I get to work on the Deadwood vid withfeochadn. Basically, these days, I feel funny when I'm not vidding, even though my RSI hurts so bad it takes my breath away and my ass is usually numb from sitting in the office chair all day.
****
I am at heart a mean person, and I really want to say to people lately, when I post a new fic to breathtaking silence and then a bunch of people tell me they might read it later because they are saving it or some such, "hey, you know, how 'bout I just don't write the next one, and say I'm saving it for a special occasion." Because... I am mean.
****
Last week was the six-month "anniversary." My sister's friend called me that night and we played catch-up, but didn't really talk too much about it. It's not something you can explain to people who haven't been there -- you mark dates kind of emotionally. You don't even really think about it, or want to deliberately acknowledge it, but it's just something you wake up aware of. "Oh, today is the day when..." It's just always in the back of your mind. And I know everyone thinks, six months, get over it by now you big dumb cow. People think it's just about loss or grief and that time will heal you. But when there's guilt and things you didn't do/say, when there's the indelible picture of their last terrified, painful breath, you don't really get over it. You obsess about the time you can't change. Time becomes this strange enemy friend... it goes faster than ever for you, letting you move past the event, but slower than ever, so that you can't sleep, eat, breathe without thinking of all the wrong things. Everything is date-stamped.
Someone talked about healing at one of my groups a while ago. About his therapy and how he was learning to heal old wounds. I told him that every time that word comes up, I have no idea what it means. So people give you these explanations of healing that are vague and come from dictionaries. About a picture of yourself where you are happy and perky and forgiving, I guess. And I had to ask him, "yes, but what does it *look* like? Because I have no idea what it could possibly look like." People never answer this question.
*****
I'm fascinated by how many people are getting into Due South lately. Especially the fact that so many folks are really young -- the characters aren't exactly spring chickens, not the usual young twentysomething studly guys I see people fall for. Selfishly I like it because it means icons and art and vids and fic. But it still surprises me. (And I think I should check withsherrold to find out if our vid Stranded is even up online, because I have no idea!) I'm especially glad that Vecchio is getting some love and respect, because for a long time, he hasn't, and it's nice to see. I like Ray V because he's me. Whiny, selfish, sarcastic, loyal, bitter, strong, petty, great sense of humor, hostile, loving... I feel like he's my other half.
ETA: It is! Stranded, a Due South vid that Sandy and I made for the first Vividcon, is online here at her site, in a zipped file. It's a very quiet, introspective vid (there's that word again) that we made before there were DVDs available.
true_enough posted hers. It's definitely amusingly on target for me, especially the part of people telling me I'm hard to read, something I get sick of hearing.( brain patterns )
I'm really stumped about what vid to make for Escapade this year. I'm still not sure I am even going to the con, but I feel like I should at least make a vid, since I've been involved in or made on my own a vid now for 12 years running. I just can't decide between the Professionals, Band of Brothers, or Brotherhood of the Wolf... I think Horatio Hornblower is out of the running, at least right now, because I need to really acquaint myself with the source better, and I don't necessarily want to repeat Keen Eddie again there, although it's a good vid concept. I've been capturing clips for a remaster of There's No Way Out of Here, even though I don't really know why. I don't see the point in remaking it; not enough people care and it's a ponderous old thing, but it gives me something to do in between the rare times I get to work on the Deadwood vid with
feochadn. Basically, these days, I feel funny when I'm not vidding, even though my RSI hurts so bad it takes my breath away and my ass is usually numb from sitting in the office chair all day.****
I am at heart a mean person, and I really want to say to people lately, when I post a new fic to breathtaking silence and then a bunch of people tell me they might read it later because they are saving it or some such, "hey, you know, how 'bout I just don't write the next one, and say I'm saving it for a special occasion." Because... I am mean.
****
Last week was the six-month "anniversary." My sister's friend called me that night and we played catch-up, but didn't really talk too much about it. It's not something you can explain to people who haven't been there -- you mark dates kind of emotionally. You don't even really think about it, or want to deliberately acknowledge it, but it's just something you wake up aware of. "Oh, today is the day when..." It's just always in the back of your mind. And I know everyone thinks, six months, get over it by now you big dumb cow. People think it's just about loss or grief and that time will heal you. But when there's guilt and things you didn't do/say, when there's the indelible picture of their last terrified, painful breath, you don't really get over it. You obsess about the time you can't change. Time becomes this strange enemy friend... it goes faster than ever for you, letting you move past the event, but slower than ever, so that you can't sleep, eat, breathe without thinking of all the wrong things. Everything is date-stamped.
Someone talked about healing at one of my groups a while ago. About his therapy and how he was learning to heal old wounds. I told him that every time that word comes up, I have no idea what it means. So people give you these explanations of healing that are vague and come from dictionaries. About a picture of yourself where you are happy and perky and forgiving, I guess. And I had to ask him, "yes, but what does it *look* like? Because I have no idea what it could possibly look like." People never answer this question.
*****
I'm fascinated by how many people are getting into Due South lately. Especially the fact that so many folks are really young -- the characters aren't exactly spring chickens, not the usual young twentysomething studly guys I see people fall for. Selfishly I like it because it means icons and art and vids and fic. But it still surprises me. (And I think I should check with
sherrold to find out if our vid Stranded is even up online, because I have no idea!) I'm especially glad that Vecchio is getting some love and respect, because for a long time, he hasn't, and it's nice to see. I like Ray V because he's me. Whiny, selfish, sarcastic, loyal, bitter, strong, petty, great sense of humor, hostile, loving... I feel like he's my other half.ETA: It is! Stranded, a Due South vid that Sandy and I made for the first Vividcon, is online here at her site, in a zipped file. It's a very quiet, introspective vid (there's that word again) that we made before there were DVDs available.
