As always, I'm confused

[gwyn]

I never seem to know what's going on around me, even though I think I'm paying attention... Anyone willing to explain this DVD commentary meme or whatever it is going around? I'm not sure I'm getting it -- and possibly I'm more confused because the two I've looked at were wildly different. Is it just that people are commenting on the writing process of their own stories? Or am I missing something? (Not that I think anyone's asking for me, it's just that I have this weird, insatiable need to *know*. Even after a year plus, I still am mostly mystified by the goings on in LJ-land, I guess.)


I need to take my mind off my stupid life. I won't go into the boring, depressing details, but I spent the evening with friends I usually only get to see once or twice a year, but who have been very important in my life (even though we couldn't be more different -- they're devout Mormons, seriously right-wing, family-centric, church-centric... but they're also fun, wonderful, mentors whom I love), reminding me what an empty, loveless life I have. Then culminating in a photo Ex sent me of him, taken by his new wifey, in his new happy lovey-dovey life, complete with matching wuvvy-duvvy computers and their widdle wuvvy-duvvy desk where their workstations face each other, and all that happy stuff. He and I used to hang with those friends, and I remember a lot of good times with the bunch of us. I guess as crappy as B was to me over the years, I must have been a crappier person all the way around, because he got all the rewards in life and I got bupkus. Seeing my friends still so happy together after all these years (and the difficulties of raising four kids, one of whom is very developmentally disabled and another of whom is mildly so), and then getting that picture of B... I have no idea why a picture of him and an e-mial out of the blue made me feel so unhappy, but it was like being shown pictures of my life by the ghost of Christmas present, or something. Seeing it all again, feeling and hearing it all again, even down to his four year old niece saying to him, "you should be nicer to Gwynnie."

Oh well... a little sunshine peeking through the gray today (or trying to; there is no place more depressing in January than Seattle), and tons of chickadees and bushtits and house sparrows and robins in my backyard. And the daphne is starting to bloom.

Comments

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that you're having a tough time. I hope the world starts to look brighter soon.

If it's any consolation, I practically drooled at your mention of something starting to bloom. Out here (smalltown Massachusetts) the thermometer is hovering around ten degrees, and everything is covered with snow. Pretty and pristine, to be sure, but cold as all fuck, and we won't see blooms until April at the earliest...

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Because of the temperate climate, we get a lot of stuff that blooms year round, even though it shouldn't, and then a freeze will kill it off when it's least expecting it. ;-) But there are a few winter blooming plants that I've added to the garden, because I need the hit -- a camelia with a lovely fragrance, and the daphne odoras, which bloom around Feb., and have this intensely powerful cirtus scent. One tiny blossom cluster can fill the whole room. So it was nice of my plants to bloom when I was feeling crappy. ;-)

[superplin.livejournal.com]

I guess as crappy as B was to me over the years, I must have been a crappier person all the way around, because he got all the rewards in life and I got bupkus.

Remember, real life doesn't work on the reward system. The chalice is likely to just be a cup of Mountain Dew. ;)

It is frustrating, though, to be surrounded by people who seem to have reaped benefits beyond any reasonable scale of "deserving", whatever that means, while one is struggling along, trying to do the right thing and make the right choices, and never getting a break. I totally get that.

As for the DVD meme, I haven't seen any two that resembled each other. Kind of like actual DVD commentary, really: some directors focus more on process, others more on the behind-the-scenes stuff, etc. It's a very freestyle sort of meme. I've seen some really fascinating ones, too.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Well, I keep thinking his wife is going to find out what he's really like one of these days, but... so far no Mountain Dew. ;-)

The thing that confuses me about the DVD meme thing is, how is it a meme? How did it start and how does it spread? Do people just decide to do it, and pick a story? And then... assume everyone knows that story or something? I guess that's where I'm confused about it, it seems like it's more for a circle of people, and I wasn't certain if the writer was supposed to include bits of the story in it, like the visuals on the discs so you can see what they're talking about in a commentary track. One that I looked at seemed to assume everyone knew their story, I guess. Anyways, I guess I'll poke around more to answer that, if I can. Someday, when I have time. ;-)

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

I can actually help here, b/c it seems to have come out of my little popslash corner. I have a (sadly locked or I'd link it) comment from January 15, where 2 slashers were watching DVD commentaries together and talked about them and thought it might be a neat idea to start commenting their own fic...and since one of them writes in hp as well, it quickly ended up there...and then it *spread*!!! (B/c, after all, you poor writers get constantly told to shut up and now it's the reader's place to interpret and analyze...this is the perfect forum to discuss the deleted scenes, the funny circumstances that led to a particular description, the RL occurences that might have influenced the writing...)

Oh, and *hugs* on your down on life situation. As someone else said, sadly life doesn't work on the reward system. Plus, we all know that quite often those happier than thou couples are totally miserable and have rotten sex :-)

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

just b/c i am a complete and utter nerd *and* academic who has learned the hard way the value of documenting *everything*, here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/lisew/120748.html)'s the original post as far as i can tell. I'm just utterly fascinated how quickly things spread, how ultimately the slash community seems interconnected in bizarre ways (like you see people friending one another whom you know via totally different groups and fandoms...it all seems quite incestuous and so very, very fast...)

Anyway, hope you're feeling better...hugs once more in either case :-)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's really amazing that you were able to keep track of it! Well, now I know -- thank you. I have no idea why I always want to know what the genesis is, but I guess it has a lot to do with stuff like, did readers want something like this about the stories they love, or did the writers want to do this?

I know what you mean about slash communities in your second comment. I think there's a more intense connection, or at least, there used to be, in slashdom than in the larger and more encompassing gen and het world, so it's not unusual that so much starts or at least is spread there. It's like that vid esthetic I was mentioning to you before (which I need to reply to, but I haven't had enough time!).

[superplin.livejournal.com]

Well, I keep thinking his wife is going to find out what he's really like one of these days, but... so far no Mountain Dew. ;-)

Of course, it could be they deserve each other. Maybe she's a shrew and is making his life miserable, and he just puts on a good front. ;)

I wasn't certain if the writer was supposed to include bits of the story in it, like the visuals on the discs so you can see what they're talking about in a commentary track.

Hmm. I confess I haven't read all that many, but the ones I've seen have all included quotes. Even if you've read the story, you can hardly be expected to remember it by heart, can you?

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

I'm sorry for you feeling so down. And I can just echo the rest of the others: do not worry, or even envy them-- they only let you see the happy surface, not the struggle beneath. Plus, he obviously has a vested interest in showing you how *fabulous* he is doing with his *new* family. Now, if was of stellar character, it might just be about sharing...but your information does not exactly point in that direction. So be suspicious of that sort of gloating.

If life was about just rewards for everybody, whether good or bad...boy, would this world be different!

Not telling you to not worry and be happy because, even with all the loving friends and all the good things in one's life, it's still pretty crappy to be alone sometimes. But you're brave, lovely, and talented, so this is something to hold onto.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think part of it is that I tried so hard, and he just got pissier, and then we stayed "friends" even though I didn't want to. Eight years is a long time to be with someone. Up till recently he took care of my cat when I traveled, but now that he's all married and cozy, I only rarely see or speak to him, so it seems like life is a big bowl of cherries! But I'm finally away from work for a little bit, and being able to see people for fun, so Im hoping that will perk me up.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Meh, far from a perfect situation, indeed.

And yeah, I'm sure you'll feel better seeing people and truly re-connecting again; nothing's better for the soul. Unless you're Angel, of course. & ;-)

May you perk up prettily!

[rainkatt.livejournal.com]

The meme thing seems to be pretty freeform. Most people on my FL asked for requests, and the answers were everything from short comments on the fic to long posts with quotes to even longer posts or links to pages with the entire fic interspersed with commentary. I suppose the latter is the most complete way to do it, but it seems to be talking about the writing process, however you want to do it.

Sending hugs for the crappy feelings. There's nothing you can do to stop them, really, but the truth of it is that no matter how great it all looks from the outside, there's plenty going on that you can't see and wouldn't want to be living. My current SO used to be married to my college roommate, and I used to get these letters from her that were so full of cheer about how successful they both were, and all their activities and how happy they were. When I actually talked to her, it was really a different story, and when I talked to him about those years, he had no idea what she was talking about. It was difficult and lonely, as far as he was concerned, because there's nothing lonelier than a relationship that isn't working.

I'd be willing to bet that at least one person in that group you're feeling envious of is wishing they were on their own, and thinking about how nice your life looks from their side of the fence.

And if you want to do the meme, I'd love to read a commentary on "Heliotrope." ;-)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I wonder if a lot of it isn't that guy/gal difference in outlook sometimes, you know? LIke your friend saw an entirely different picture from his wife's because as a guy he just saw things in a different way. It's impossible to see anyone else's perspective, truly, but that whole male/female split makes it even harder.

[rainkatt.livejournal.com]

The guy/gal thing may be part of it, but there was also the fact that none of her letters ever had anything negative in them. She admitted to me later that she felt she always had to make her life sound wonderful to everyone else. I know that my ex has done the same thing, so I tend to take any tale of someone's lovely life and perfect coping skills with a huge grain of salt.

And then again, your ex may have finally found the right person. It happens, and doesn't reflect badly on you at all, although it seems to really matter to him that you notice. Which I find suspicious... but I'm cynical.

[caille.livejournal.com]

"I guess as crappy as B was to me over the years, I must have been a crappier person all the way around, because he got all the rewards in life and I got bupkus."

I too must chime in with "This just isn't the way it works".

And then, I ask, why the fuck did he feel the need to send you that photo? Good riddance.

Following that, I say, ooh, come on, gwyn, upload the photo and let us all Photoshop the bejeezus out of it. I'm certain I can find some Satanic symbolism "hidden" somewhere in the wuvvy-duvvy.

And lastly, I say: you know, I haven't a clue about the great rock and the great roll that is LJ and the internet in general. Memes spring up, trends happen, and all of a sudden I realize that everyone else seems to know what these things mean, and here I am again, having missed the memo. Mostly, I tend to embrace the chaos. (Not that it embraces me back. It's chaos.)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think he sent the photo because he's so clueless -- he thinks that since we've stayed friends all these years (though mostly I have no requirement of his friendship, except the software he's loaned me ;-) or when he can take care of my cat), I want to know about his life, and we'd earlier been chatting about Spalding Gray being missing, an monologue artist whose work we always saw together when he came to town. So it's like, hey! While you're here, let me send you a photo of my new life! I think he honestly has no clue that I want to punch his face in!

But that P-shop idea isn't half bad... I could make an icon of it! I like the idea of LJ as chaos -- for a while I had a quote from Tool on my main page "I've been wallowing in my own chaotic insecure delusions." and that seems to fit more than ever now -- my brain is total Brownian motion.

[fishsanwitt]

Hi Gwyn!

I'm a lurker on your LJ - but I just had to respond. I'm so sorry that you're feeling crappy. I can't help, but my thoughts are with you (and they're *good* thoughts :) I hope things get better for you soon.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm definitely on the better side -- I didn't have to work yesterday, and I got to see some friends who aren't *all* married, so thats always a reminder that it's not so bad.

[varina8.livejournal.com]

Hey, Gwyn, just got home and wanted to send good thoughts your way. I also have a couple of presents for you including the Chance tape. Call me.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I can't believe you're home already! Hope you guys had a great time -- I will give you a buzz. I'm hoping that my boss is going to be back this week and maybe life will resemble something like normal.