Rest in Peace

[gwyn]

I haven't wanted to write about my feelings regarding Angel being cancelled. For a lot of reasons, probably mostly that I don't feel like anyone else has said they feel, and I've been avoiding a lot of the FL anyway because so much of people's reactions annoyed or hurt me. Yes, I know it's stupid to be hurt by things people say in the LJs, but I can't help it: I feel like somene took a cheese grater to my heart, and reading about people kicking the corpse of the only fannish show I had left airing in current time just... hurts. I'm astonished, even after all my years in fandom as a Very Old Fan from back before the dawn of time, to see how compassionless and unempathetic people can be -- all the smug "I hate the show"s and the "I gave up on it years ago" and the "it's crap anyway"s made me run away from my own FL, and that's not a good feeling when most of the time, the LJ community has been a positive and ... dare I say it, nurturing place for me.

Too, this is happening at a big emotional time for me -- I'm out of work and terrified of my future, I am a born fan who has nothing currently to feel excited about on TV if Angel's gone, the shows I do watch loyally such as Alias and 24 and Gilmore Girls are disappointing me this year, and I'm working on a Firefly vid that is reminding me each time I load clips that the one thing that would have been that fannish successor to Buffy and Angel is gone, as well. I'm bouncing all over the place emotionally, and it makes the loss harder, and the harshness of other voices crueller. People are entitled to say what they want, of course, wherever they want, but I wonder sometimes why. As much as I dislike Smallville, for instance, outside of a few rare anti-SV rants, it would never occur to me to get on my LJ and talk about all the reasons why I don't like it, and kick the corpse if it got cancelled. I guess I'd want to be there for my friends and feel some empathy if they were losing their big fandom show.

I almost gave up on Angel during S3, for a number of reasons, but mostly because with the baby story, I felt like it was turning into crap. But I kept with it, and they rewarded me with an incredible kickass story. And it's been up and down since then, but that's okay, because all shows are up and down. The richness of the universe, the character growth, the stylishness of the show, the darkness of the stories... these were all so wonderful to me that if eps went up and down in quality, I was okay. For every bad story, there would be a good one, and even if ME didn't always go in the directions I wanted (especially with Spike on this season), I was happy to pay them my ticket and go on the big E-ride.

A few years ago I got into a disagreement on a list I belong to, when someone made a snide comment about how she'd have to be sick to want to watch Angel. I took umbrage, and defended it, and it turned into a big thing that had sadly lasting repurcussions with some folks. But I felt like my show was being attacked, my guys, my taste. For some reason some of the more vituperative comments people have made about how this is good riddance reminds me all too well of that argument.

I know I can still vid and write in the universe. But I've always been excited to create by the new material, by trying to make sense of the new directions a show goes in, or characters change in. Fandoms drop off after shows are gone because people graze and move on now (back in the day, the Trek and Professionals fandoms really only got huge after they were off the air, but things are very different now) -- look at how small XF is compared to its heyday in season 4-5. And I wonder what on earth I can write about here if not reviews and dissections of the show, which feels like the community is shrinking again. It's already shrunk a lot as people have moved on post-Buffy, and while I realize a lot of folks will stick with the Jossverse, it feels like much of the reason for being here, the connections, will become redundant and disappear. That's sad to me.

Mostly, though, the simple fact is, I love Angel. I love the show, the character, and the people he works with. I love the world that Joss created when he moved Angel to LA, I love peeling away the layers of each new episode and finding what's at the heart of this creation. I love the snappy repartee and the in-jokes and the dark questions of what evil and good mean, and I love hair that sticks up and coats that flow and vampires who fly and smart guys with English accents and pretty men everywhere the eye can see. I love Angel with Buffy, without Buffy, with Lindsey and Lilah, with Spike, with Wes, with Cordy and Fred and Gunn and Lorne and Doyle, with everyone, and without them.

And I don't know exactly how to let go of that. I haven't let go of Buffy yet, really, and the hurt's still there. This Firefly vid reminds me of how much *that* hurt. No one does shows that speak to my fan brain as well as Joss does. He's like a magician to my fannish soul, pulling out all these incredible tricks, making some boo-boos, and always keeping me interested. The show seemed to be in a great creative place lately, to me, anyway, and I really thought the WB would stick with it since the ratings were okay, and they don't really have a lot of good stuff for their fall slate. It's like my job -- I thought I was safe because I was so busy, and got kneecapped by the evil new guy. Angel seemed to be doing all right, but they got kneecapped for doing all right. I don't get it; I never will. This network desire for the lowest common denominator never has made sense to me. Tonight there's a new episode of Keen Eddie we never got to see on Fox, and it just reminds me that this smart little cable place like Bravo had the sense to pick it up, and to show Queer Eye. And I wonder why there can't be more people out there with a bit of vision *before it's too late*, like with KE.

I am doing too much mourning right now in my real life to cope with mourning my last connection to the Buffy world I fell in love with so many years ago. It's just not in me. It's a lot easier to write about stupid stuff, and I probably will. My friend joked, well, you can always write about grammar. Which is depressing -- what's connected me so far has been the love for these entertainments I've shared with others. I just don't want to lose that, and can't quite accept it yet.

I'm off to Escapade on Thursday, though, where I hope my friends will raise a glass to the show with me. The companionship of the con is going to be needed now, more than even before when I got laid off. Even the forecast of rainy cool weather won't let me be too sad, I hope.

Comments

[tiashome.livejournal.com]

Thanks for posting this, Gwyn. I love what you've said here and there's so much I agree with -- about letting people grieve without gloating and loving all the layers of this show, etc. I'm still in shock right now. Come May, it'll really hit me that this wonderful universe that Joss created is over. Over.

I'm off to Escapade on Thursday, though, where I hope my friends will raise a glass to the show with me. The companionship of the con is going to be needed now, more than even before when I got laid off.
I know you'll have a great time ::hugs::

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think it's the totality of the loss that's adding to the feeling of grief -- when Buffy ended, we could cling to Angel, and for Spike fans, we at least had this to hold on to after the show ended. Now... nothing. Sigh.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

I don't have a huge number of big Angel fans on my friends list, especially since I'm so new to the fandom, so I haven't seen the dissing of the show you and thebratqueen have talked about--and I'm glad I haven't, because just reading about it in your LJs makes me sad. It's kind of hard for me to relate, in some ways, because I tend to be someone who comes late to the fandom of a show--I didn't start watching Buffy until season 4, didn't start watching Homicide until season 5, didn't watch Angel much at all until last year, didn't find due South fandom until years after the show went off the air... And most of the shows with current fandoms that I watch don't tend to do much for me, with the exception of Angel.

But I do know how I feel when, even to this day, I hear almost nothing from fellow Homicide fans except for excoriating remarks about the last couple seasons, and how I felt at Connexions last year when I went to a Buffy panel and it was full of people tearing down the show and the characters. I wish that all the good shows could have the kind of renaissance that due South has had over the last year or two, but it doesn't seem likely. I don't know if it helps to have my one small voice *added* to the Angel fandom at the last moment for the series, but here I am, and, sad as I am about the show ending, because it's still a relatively new fandom for me, I plan on staying with it. After all, I never even joined a Homicide list until two years after the show was cancelled, and here I am, three years later, still writing and still active in that fandom, even if no one else is ;-)

Which is a very long-winded way of saying, hey, maybe not all is lost.

*hugs*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that renaissance that DS had a while ago is pretty unusual for a fandom these days. Of course, with it came even more heated Ray wars... so maybe there's a dark side to everything. ;-)

I thrive on new stuff, especially in my love of reviewing and analyzing, so I think that's where I'll feel the loss most of all.

[elke-tanzer.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}} and chocolate, hon.

[lordshiva.livejournal.com]

I'm in mourning. And sometimes it's really intense, like the cheese grater you mentioned. But I think either you're hanging with the wrong crowd or else I must have a very limited lj list (well, yeah, I do actually). No one on my friends list has been really smug or cruel about the considerable loss to creative, smart television that the cancellation of Angel represents. Some cavalier dismissals, but they'll be moaning and crying soon enough when it hits them that there really is NOTHING to replace Joss and ME. So far, most everyone has been broken up as much as me and you. I'm glad I'm staying away from certian lists though. I love being at TAtF. they fulfill me. And I love that you're there now.

Ahh...finally someone else

[shadowkat67.livejournal.com]

on livejournal who seems to feel the same angst I do.
I've been fleeing from my Friends List too, although thankfully they aren't anti, just more blase.

Like you I need Angel right now, it was comforting me. I was really enjoying it this year. Especially the evil workplace metaphors. But then you and I have had similar experiences, the only difference being I resigned before the evil boss had a chance to fire me.
Still not sure how wise a move that was and still have nightmares about it - had one last night. Also like you, I almost gave up on Angel in S3 during the baby period, it wasn't until they delivered that kick-ass story with Wes in Loyalty that I got addicted and was in love again. But I've watched Angel from the beginning and I have every episode except for three in S3 (the baby period) on tape.

I'm a fan of few things - BTVS was really my first true online fanndom. I loved Firefly and having seen the DVD's now, am even more annoyed it's gone. And now Angel? I wish they'd cancelled one of the shows I despise instead, but those seem to last forever because the majority of viewers seems to love them. At any rate, thank you for your live journal entry, it made me feel a little less lonely tonight.

Re: Ahh...finally someone else

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

One of the things that scares me most about the cancellations of more and more solid, middle-aged dramas is that they're being replaced by reality shows. Outside of Queer Eye, i can't imagine ever making a fandom situation out of reality shows (not to mention I personally hate them, but that's another subject). Fewer and fewer dramas are being made, and so the likelihood of another Joss show seems fairly unlikely. It makes me feel really down, though there's nothing I can really do about it. or maybe that's why i feel down!

Re: Ahh...finally someone else

[shadowkat67.livejournal.com]

The reality shows are bumming me out as well. I just don't like them. The one's I've been able to watch, which are few, get stale after a while. My hope is sooner or later viewers will burn out on them, ratings will dip, and they'll disappear. But since they are so cheap to make, I don't know if this will happen.

I do know there's other dramas in development, but none of them spark my interest. Possibly because so many of them are part of the family-oriented drama or 24/Alias model trends. Angel was that rare bit of entertainment, completely different, unpredictable, with rich complex characters that the writers weren't afraid to push to the extremes. Most shows protect their characters, never push the envelope - Angel did. I'm afraid we won't see it's like again in a long time. That depresses me.

[soundingsea.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm lucky, I guess - most of the reactions on my FL have been of the teary-eyed variety and not the kind you describe. I hear what you're saying about a fandom fading, but I think we still have time and there are lots of stories to be told. Joss said to write fic, after all.

[minim_calibre]

I'm so stupidly glad that I decided to go to the Angel party in L.A. this year. I mean, I decided because the girl who's set the whole crazy thing in motion, one of them, is a friend, and I wanted to support her in it.

But... I'm kind of needing to be in the company of fans right now. That is, when I'm not avoiding the blood-pressure raising things on the computer screen (I owe you email, btw, and I haven't forgotten, I've just been away, either at work or away from the house indulging in escapist things).

So Thursday, I'm getting on a plane (I hate planes), and flying down. I shall at some point be rudely insisting that my friends (as a bunch of us are staying together at a friend's apartment) share the moments they loved through the years as we drink a toast.

I knew I'd be sad when it went, and while I know that I'm ultimately going to be happier that it went out at a time when the energy was still high, right now, that's cold comfort.

This is my show. It's had ups and downs, and at times it's been as uneven as a thing can be, but bless it, it always tried.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Hey, you're going to LA on Thursday? Are you going in the morning? I'm on a United flight at 9:15 in the morning, to LAX. I wonder if we might run into each other unwittingly at the airport!

It really does make a difference to be with fellow fans around times like this. That really is what makes these shows special -- they tried. They did stuff unlike any other dramas on television, and win or fail, they challenged the status quo every single time. Apparently lame knockoffs like Charmed are more important because they don't challenge anything or anyone. Sigh.

[klia.livejournal.com]

This Firefly vid reminds me of how much *that* hurt.

I still haven't been able to bring myself to watch all the unaired eps, because after I do, there won't be any more.

This network desire for the lowest common denominator never has made sense to me.

Not just WB, it seems they all do it. Joss *made* WB, and this is what he gets? Geez.

I saw a quote from him that echoed something I'd been saying:

"I can't speak for the WB's reasoning, and this would probably be a bad time for me to comment on any of the shows they're NOT canceling."

Not to mention they're developing a remake of Dark Shadows. Just... why, when they had Angel, which is, um, *original*?

Tonight there's a new episode of Keen Eddie we never got to see on Fox, and it just reminds me that this smart little cable place like Bravo had the sense to pick it up, and to show Queer Eye. And I wonder why there can't be more people out there with a bit of vision *before it's too late*, like with KE.

All the visionaries seem to have gone to cable networks. Thank god for networks like Bravo, and Trio, for their Brilliant But Cancelled series.

I'm off to Escapade on Thursday, though, where I hope my friends will raise a glass to the show with me.

Count me in.

Back to watching HR Pufnstuf which, weirdly, makes me feel better.

[juliaabra.livejournal.com]

Ah honey:
You said a mouthful and all of it true. I'm so with you on every point and the way you put it makes me weepy. I love both Angel and Buffy and it hurts my heart to think they're really leaving us. I hope you continue to write your beautiful fic because I will always read it and that way these characters, people really, that we love, and who, tragically, never got the respect they deserved, will live on for us.

[onetwomany.livejournal.com]

Aw, Gwyn, I know exactly how you feel. I'm in mourning too. I've lived these shows and loved them since I was about 18. I've no idea what I'm going to do with myself next year. Just hoping something worthwhile comes along. becuase without fandom, well, what am I gonna write about, think about, squee over and dream about? Heck, what am I going to do with my spare time?

I do hope you keep writing though. I could read your beautiful, wonderful fic forever and ever and a day :)

i love you, joss

[criesbella.livejournal.com]

g: i keep thinking about JOSS. i want to run
over to his place w/muffins...and wine...
and offer to vacuum his whole house while he curls up
and cries on the couch.

how could THEY do this to HIM?
JOSS is such a genius...these beautiful verses
he's given us, all gone now...

i too am avoiding the boards and blogs. not ready
to talk about this yet (besides sympathetic you
and frequent and furious emails to *close personal
friends* last 3 days)

a million Qs...will buffy return for finale?
will we say goodbye to just AtS or the whole
vampverse? have to say my heart is invested in seeing
the mytharc stories continued in TALES OF THE VAMPIRES
and FRAY.

sucky winter. now this.
i wonder if DISNEY is behind this. no, really.
corporate conglomerate illuminati "take the occult
off television..."

oh yeah, because happy suburban FAMILY dramas are so
accurate and uplifting...

grrrr, argh....

xoxo, a

[kathyh]

I know how you feel. I was quite calm when the news broke but have got more and more upset since then. I'm trying to comfort myself with the fact that the quality hasn't suffered (because I don't think it has) and the fact that I'd rather mourn a show than be bored by it, but it's cold comfort at the moment. TV without a Joss show will be a very bleak place.

Speaking as another Very Old Fan (or Lurker in my case) I think that it's difficult to predict which way a fandom will go. I'm sure there will be a drop off for a while but reruns can bring in the new and keen who are just discovering the shows and that can be very invigorating. I feel that BtVS & AtS are so rich that there will be plenty to discuss and analyse for a long time. I'm rewatching the first series of Angel at the moment and feeling I must have been watching with my eyes half shut the first time round. I know it's not the same as a first viewing but it can be very rewarding. I think what I'm trying to say, in a rather disconnected way, is that the fandom will only wither and shrink if we, the fans, let it.

Have a great time at Escapade.

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

Oh hon, *hugs*!!!

It's funny...I haven't really been watching Angel since the baby story (though religiously taping it nevertheless :-) and only got back into it this season, but I was really disappointed by its cancellation...and I think you described that feeling perfectly. Buffy was my first entry into fandom, the first and longest and strongest fannish feelings I had and through all the good and the bad, Angel is still part of that.

I do believe, however, that there is a connection above and beyond the show itself. While they give us the material, it is y'all who make it something larger and better, it is all the slashers who make this such a wonderful place to be around. Yes, we need the raw material, but to me at least there's a world of difference between just watching/liking a tv show (even if I tape it on two vcr's and d'load it at the same time :-) and fandom...and that difference are the people!!!

They're not leaving and they're the ones you'll be meeting at Escapade (and may I just say how very jealous I am. LOL) and I firmly believe that the connections are stronger and deeper than even our ridiculous love for buffy :-)

[Not minimizing your feelings here..just trying to believe that we are stronger than any cancellation :-)]

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I've never seen Angel. I came late to Buffy (S6), and loved it, and intend eventually to watch seasons 1-5, but I'm barely on the fringes of the Jossverse.

That said, I'm delighted that you're coming to Escapade; and I'll gladly raise a glass with you to your beloved show!

[batdina.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen a lot of the negative, though I believe it's out there and am deeply sorry it's messing with you.

Me? I've been talking with friends about the state of television and am on the verge of deciding that it's time to go back to X-Files fandom and read again, and maybe write. There's so much there that was good, and it's been a few years, or at least enough time for me to go back to enjoying the characters, even if so far it's not enough time for me to write again. But some time soon, I'm hoping.

We're still on for dinner at Escapade, right?

[deejay.livejournal.com]

I miss my annual trek to the monsoons of Escapade, sniffle... Have loads of fun, and if anyone needs VCDs of 'Miracles' just send 'em my way. Have fun, hon!

Deejay (still pimping the series from across the continent)

[phantomas.livejournal.com]

I love that you love Angel. I do too, in the good and bad times, and I haven't yet seen one ep of the new (and apparently) last season.

But...even though the fandom changes and fans move on, there are always a bunch people that stay. Look at Pros :)

I hope Joss will do something new soon (I have seen only a bunch of ep from Firefly but I liked it) because, yes, he gives us good stories and good characters.

Good that you're going to Escapade, raise a glass for me too?

*hugs*

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

Safe travels to you. Angel will be missed in my household for sure.

(I started to say more. But I will save it for real-time in-person communications.)

[rusty_halo.livejournal.com]

I guess it really depends who you have on your friends list. Mine has consisted mostly of a whole outpouring of pain and anger about the cancellation--only one or two people were smug/rude/indifferent.

I'm not at all satisfied with the show this season but I'm still devastated that it's been cancelled.

[rainkatt.livejournal.com]

I just had to add a heartfelt thanks for saying this; I have nothing intelligent to add, I'm on my way to work, my FL is on skip 130, and I need to think about all of it still. But I needed to let you know. Hope the con is good and helps with your mood.