The week after last week
Nov. 8th, 2004 12:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynI love this Laura Kipnis piece at Slate about people who vote against their own interests. http://slate.msn.com/id/2109176/
So, as if last week wasn't bad enough with the gay-haters and the religious nutjobs winning the day, my aunt died on Friday night after a long period of slipping away into senility. When I was a kid, we spent the most time with these relatives; I adored my uncle and liked my aunt very much, and they lived -- to me, anyway -- what seemed like a very exotic life. My cousin S has always been my favorite cousin, and I had crushes on the two oldest sons, even though they were serious trouble and one was a racist asshole (the crushes disappeared once I found this out). They also had adopted an older girl (which, as little adoptees, my sister and I thought was extra neat) who I thought was the coolest person ever -- she introduced my sister and me to pop music, which we weren't allowed to listen to. I discovered the Kinks and the Beatles through her, and still remember the rapture I felt listening to the soundtrack to Help! in her bedroom one night. All of us Seattle-area cousins have lost touch with each other without our parents around to keep us linked together, and when my cousin and I saw each other at a different aunt's memorial service, we vowed not to do that again. And then my sister got sick, and they had family emergencies, and now this... Extended families are hard enough to keep up with, but my family was not exactly warm and outgoing, so it's harder for me. But I'm determined to spend time with S and his fantastic family (he is the spitting image of my beloved uncle, and his son is now the spitting image of him) outside of funerals, dammit. It's pathetic that I've let it get like this.
And it's made my sister very sad, because the death and her cancer are bringing back way too many memories of our mother. She was sobbing on the phone again last night, and also because she had chemo today and would be all alone on this one for the first time, and I just couldn't keep it together, either. I'm sad enough about her, terrified of the future enough, and then to have all the other memories of life with my mom and my aunt and uncle... Worse, I feel so useless that I can't just go down and take care of her for this treatment. It's not fair for her to be alone, and me just sitting here doing nothing. It's really hard to accept.
It's funny: people tell you that you've done something for them by writing fic or making a vid that they like. And they say that you've made their life a little better, or whatever. But I sit there writing my stupid stories and making these silly vids, and then I hear what my sister or my cousin is going through and it all seems so stupid. I know that it's cool to bring a spot of enjoyment into others' lives, I do, but I feel worse than useless lately. I have my causes and my volunteer efforts, but in the end, I feel like some useless lump of carbon. I've been meaning to write up a review of the Angel S4 discs, but I find myself unable to focus. Everything seems stupid in the face of not being able to help your own twin sister when she's miserable and sick. I know a lot of this is due to the election and my fear of my future, especially of my work being increasingly outsourced to India, but knowing stuff sometimes doesn't help you cope with it emotionally, does it? The heart always beats the brain in this battle.
So, as if last week wasn't bad enough with the gay-haters and the religious nutjobs winning the day, my aunt died on Friday night after a long period of slipping away into senility. When I was a kid, we spent the most time with these relatives; I adored my uncle and liked my aunt very much, and they lived -- to me, anyway -- what seemed like a very exotic life. My cousin S has always been my favorite cousin, and I had crushes on the two oldest sons, even though they were serious trouble and one was a racist asshole (the crushes disappeared once I found this out). They also had adopted an older girl (which, as little adoptees, my sister and I thought was extra neat) who I thought was the coolest person ever -- she introduced my sister and me to pop music, which we weren't allowed to listen to. I discovered the Kinks and the Beatles through her, and still remember the rapture I felt listening to the soundtrack to Help! in her bedroom one night. All of us Seattle-area cousins have lost touch with each other without our parents around to keep us linked together, and when my cousin and I saw each other at a different aunt's memorial service, we vowed not to do that again. And then my sister got sick, and they had family emergencies, and now this... Extended families are hard enough to keep up with, but my family was not exactly warm and outgoing, so it's harder for me. But I'm determined to spend time with S and his fantastic family (he is the spitting image of my beloved uncle, and his son is now the spitting image of him) outside of funerals, dammit. It's pathetic that I've let it get like this.
And it's made my sister very sad, because the death and her cancer are bringing back way too many memories of our mother. She was sobbing on the phone again last night, and also because she had chemo today and would be all alone on this one for the first time, and I just couldn't keep it together, either. I'm sad enough about her, terrified of the future enough, and then to have all the other memories of life with my mom and my aunt and uncle... Worse, I feel so useless that I can't just go down and take care of her for this treatment. It's not fair for her to be alone, and me just sitting here doing nothing. It's really hard to accept.
It's funny: people tell you that you've done something for them by writing fic or making a vid that they like. And they say that you've made their life a little better, or whatever. But I sit there writing my stupid stories and making these silly vids, and then I hear what my sister or my cousin is going through and it all seems so stupid. I know that it's cool to bring a spot of enjoyment into others' lives, I do, but I feel worse than useless lately. I have my causes and my volunteer efforts, but in the end, I feel like some useless lump of carbon. I've been meaning to write up a review of the Angel S4 discs, but I find myself unable to focus. Everything seems stupid in the face of not being able to help your own twin sister when she's miserable and sick. I know a lot of this is due to the election and my fear of my future, especially of my work being increasingly outsourced to India, but knowing stuff sometimes doesn't help you cope with it emotionally, does it? The heart always beats the brain in this battle.
