The week after last week

[gwyn]

I love this Laura Kipnis piece at Slate about people who vote against their own interests. http://slate.msn.com/id/2109176/

So, as if last week wasn't bad enough with the gay-haters and the religious nutjobs winning the day, my aunt died on Friday night after a long period of slipping away into senility. When I was a kid, we spent the most time with these relatives; I adored my uncle and liked my aunt very much, and they lived -- to me, anyway -- what seemed like a very exotic life. My cousin S has always been my favorite cousin, and I had crushes on the two oldest sons, even though they were serious trouble and one was a racist asshole (the crushes disappeared once I found this out). They also had adopted an older girl (which, as little adoptees, my sister and I thought was extra neat) who I thought was the coolest person ever -- she introduced my sister and me to pop music, which we weren't allowed to listen to. I discovered the Kinks and the Beatles through her, and still remember the rapture I felt listening to the soundtrack to Help! in her bedroom one night. All of us Seattle-area cousins have lost touch with each other without our parents around to keep us linked together, and when my cousin and I saw each other at a different aunt's memorial service, we vowed not to do that again. And then my sister got sick, and they had family emergencies, and now this... Extended families are hard enough to keep up with, but my family was not exactly warm and outgoing, so it's harder for me. But I'm determined to spend time with S and his fantastic family (he is the spitting image of my beloved uncle, and his son is now the spitting image of him) outside of funerals, dammit. It's pathetic that I've let it get like this.

And it's made my sister very sad, because the death and her cancer are bringing back way too many memories of our mother. She was sobbing on the phone again last night, and also because she had chemo today and would be all alone on this one for the first time, and I just couldn't keep it together, either. I'm sad enough about her, terrified of the future enough, and then to have all the other memories of life with my mom and my aunt and uncle... Worse, I feel so useless that I can't just go down and take care of her for this treatment. It's not fair for her to be alone, and me just sitting here doing nothing. It's really hard to accept.

It's funny: people tell you that you've done something for them by writing fic or making a vid that they like. And they say that you've made their life a little better, or whatever. But I sit there writing my stupid stories and making these silly vids, and then I hear what my sister or my cousin is going through and it all seems so stupid. I know that it's cool to bring a spot of enjoyment into others' lives, I do, but I feel worse than useless lately. I have my causes and my volunteer efforts, but in the end, I feel like some useless lump of carbon. I've been meaning to write up a review of the Angel S4 discs, but I find myself unable to focus. Everything seems stupid in the face of not being able to help your own twin sister when she's miserable and sick. I know a lot of this is due to the election and my fear of my future, especially of my work being increasingly outsourced to India, but knowing stuff sometimes doesn't help you cope with it emotionally, does it? The heart always beats the brain in this battle.

Comments

[maggiesox.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. I'm so, so sorry, honey.

::hugs::

[thisisbone.livejournal.com]

Wish I could offer you more than virtual hugs and commiseration. Your sister's lucky to have you -- even if only by phone for right now. Having someone she can be honest with about how she feels is pretty important, and it's obvious that she has that in you.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think the hard part sometimes is that I know that intellectually, but emotionally it feels so worthless. I have a tendency to be way too empathetic, which I think also doesn't help!

[justacat.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry. Too many bad things on top of each other, it just sucks.... My thoughts are with you.

[klia.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry about your aunt, and everything else. I can't imagine how difficult this year has been for you. Sending lots of virtual hugs and support your way.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Hey, believe me, it's better than what you've been going through. It's crappy, yeah, but I'm really lucky to have landed at a job, even if it's just temporary, where everyone is so understanding.

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

I am very sorry to hear this. My sincere condolences to you and yours.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

It's funny: people tell you that you've done something for them by writing fic or making a vid that they like. And they say that you've made their life a little better, or whatever. But I sit there writing my stupid stories and making these silly vids, and then I hear what my sister or my cousin is going through and it all seems so stupid. I know that it's cool to bring a spot of enjoyment into others' lives, I do, but I feel worse than useless lately.

Gwyn, sorry to hear you've been having such a shittackular time of it lately. [Dear Universe, you've crapped on us enough lately, please loose your bowels elsewheres.]

Now, as to the "stupid" stories thing. I think it comes down to who you love and how and the duties you have towards the different sets of people in your life.

Reading a great story of yours or seeing a vid that you made is uplifting to me and does bring a spot of joy into my life. And I'm very glad you are creative and choose to let it out instead of putting a basket over your lamp.

Now, towards your blood kin you've got different duties and a whole different set of shared experiences. Your stories and vids are not stupid and useless, but these are not the people for whom you've made them. You bring sunshine and hope into their lives by being the concerned voice on the other end of the phone, or sending cards, or doing what you can to keep in touch.

And finally, I refuse to believe that somebody as ornery and dynamic and creative as you is "useless". I think, however, that you are one incredibly frustrated lump of carbon because you are so used to being able to get things done and have such moxie.

So, I send you big {{{{{wubs}}}}} and hope that you'll get all your pent up energy and drive directed in a way that is useful (and satisfying) for all ASAP.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

You are very kind, and those are very wise words, as well. Yes, incredibly frustrated would be it -- for a lazy person, I'm terribly active, and can't sit still ever, so having to not only physically sit still and emotionally as well, makes me feel like a hobbled horse!

[varina8.livejournal.com]

Gwyn, I'm so sorry to hear this latest news. I know this has been an incredibly hard autumn for you. If helps any, you're in my thoughts. Feel free to give me a call at home if you need an ear.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you! We should do coffee again sometime -- I'm going to have time on my hands pretty soon, it looks like!

I just read the same article, then saw this comment...

[byhud.livejournal.com]

on the message boards accompanying it.

Subject: Kipnis must be thinking of 'other' Democrats
From: Munky
Date: Nov 8 2004 12:58PM
Laura Kipnis seems shocked that Kerry, or Mr. Heinz, wouldn't step up and attempt to battle the junk food industry, let alone the liberal media pimps and other influencial 'entertainment' providers, which heavily supports his party.
That Laura thinks the Democrats would 'ever' consider challenging those very American elites who profit from the deliberately "stupefied, overstuffed citizenry glued to pricey entertainment centers" is nearly dellusional considering the extreme level of influence they have over the party, and it's purse-strings.
She must be thinking of a different Democratic Party - one not lead by a wealthy junk-food producer, promoted by vast capitalist media conglomerates, and drawing its so-called 'democratic' support from the stupified masses of under-educated citizens produced by America's willfully under-funded school system. Why would they bite the hand that feed them? ... just to win an election? Surely not.

http://fray.slate.msn.com/?id=3936&m=12952803


Exactly.

Re: I just read the same article, then saw this comment...

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Gaaarrrrr... just... garrrrr. You know, if you're going to take someone to task about education, you might want to try to spell a few things right. That's apparently too much for most people, though.

Re: I just read the same article, then saw this comment...

[byhud.livejournal.com]

Gud poynt!

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

Man, forget poster proceeds...I'm dipping into my tattoo fund for booze money, and the next time I'm down there we're going to get drunk and maudlin together. Capice?

I'm keeping you, sis_r, and the rest of your family in my thoughts.

*hugs*

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

my aunt died on Friday night after a long period of slipping away into senility.

I'm so sorry, Gwyn. What an awful time these few months must've been for you.

The heart always beats the brain in this battle.

It does, and sadly, it's inevitable. No matter what probabilities and chances say, you're afraid, and for a reason; the news and rumours, the wholesad anti-hype don't help but just feed into all your insecurities and self-doubts, all the messy layers beneath your tidy rational thoughts.

Wish I could help. Still wishing your sister all the best.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

::huhgs you:: Believe me, just knowing that my sister's in people's thoughts makes me feel less lumpish and stupid.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Glad about this tiny bit of making you feel better.

[tiashome.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're hurting, Gwyn. You know, over the w/e, I was just looking at your vids on the CD that you gave me and you bring a lot of joy into my life with what you do -- I thank you for that. And I know your sister appreciates all the contact you have with her even if you can't be there physically. Take care, sweetie, and call me if you want to take a break one lunchtime. ::hugs::

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oh, you are so sweet. I'm actually jonesing for another Indian meal, and my time here is almost up soon, so I have to get my restauranting done soon! I'll ping you and see if we can't find a time to get together.

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

Huge, big, warm, comforting hugs.

{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

No words. Just virtual hugs.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Hey good luck in NY! And thank you!

[namastenancy.livejournal.com]

Gwyn - don't put down the joy that you get from making art (ie Vids) or the joy that you give to us from your art. I'm using art to work with kids who have cancer and I can't tell you how healing it is.

http://www.creativehealingproject.org/

namaste SF Nancy

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

That is really, really cool. It's funny, sometimes I thought, when I was with her last month, that if she had enough energy it would have been so cool to see her take up her metal art again. She's never done it since college, when she gave it up, but if she hadn't hated art drawing classes so much, she could have gone on to become an incredible metal artist. She was truly gifted, but never did anything with it. I might just send her this and see if I can encourage her.