(no subject)

[gwyn]

I'm in San Diego again. For once my flight was not that late, and we arrived early, which was a good thing, as when we opened the door to my sister's house we heard her crying out. She had tried to get up because the person who was supposed to be with her wasn't there, and she can't get up on her own, and she had slid back on the bed when her feet came out from under her; she was twisted in pain and unable to get herself righted. The nurse who was coming to change her bag and dressing was outside, unable to get into the house, thinking of calling 911 when we arrived.

It was the most horrible thing, reminding me of how helplessly my mom had asked, when she was vomiting blood, if she was dying. My poor sister, so bossy and so direct and so strong, reduced to crying out in fear and pain and no one there to help her. She has gone downhill so fast it's frightening. And really between the time they entered the doctor's office last Friday and when they left, she had gone downhill, her friends say. They took away the hope that was keeping her alive -- that something, anything, could be done. Now she has nothing to put her back up against, and she's given up. She's a husk of a person. Sad and confused. She has all the symptoms of liver cancer, so it's just a matter of days now. I'm not even sure she will last long enough for me to leave on Thursday, and for her dearest friend to arrive from Seattle to take care of her over the weekend. All her hopes and dreams have been stolen from her, and she's so depressed. All that crap about people going gently into that good night, or facing death with dignity? What a lot of crap, when someone still had so much ahead of them to do.

I came down here with the intention of getting hospice care arranged, whether her caregiving friends wanted it or not. Fortunately this episode shook them up so much that they called the doctor, and I talked with the hospice people today. They're sending someone tomorrow morning and we'll assess the situation, find out what insurance will pay for, etc. Her friends are talking about having a fundraiser becuase there are so many outstanding things insurance won't pay for. I hope they can. It weights heavy on her mind, when she's lucid.

I'd planned to log in to work this afternoon but the episode shook me up so much I couldn't. But her friends were all here at one point, and she joked that she would sleep while we went and talked about her. We signed the wills and the important papers. She's unhappy about my dad coming down, but I figured out something for him to do that will help her -- her taxes and paying off her car. He's a business whiz, so if he can take care of her taxes, I think it will make her rest much easier.

I don't know if I can stand saying goodbye though. I don't think I can watch her go, but I feel that out of twinship, I have to be here for the bitter end. I don't know what to do.

I gotta go with my beloved Richard B. Riddick here: I believe in God, and I absolutely hate the fucker.

Gosh I'm so much fun to have on a friends list, huh? Even though I would never use that ditto thing, I can imagine people getting so fed up with my sister updates that they'd defriend me anyway.

Comments

[kathyh]

As someone said further up even us lurkers are here for you. I haven't commented on your posts about your sister because there were no words adequate beyond saying now that you and your father and your sister have my deepest sympathy.

[elke-tanzer.livejournal.com]

You and yours are in my thoughts.

[paratti.livejournal.com]

I'd never defriend you. Wish I was closer and could do something, anything, to help even if it was just a shoulder to cry on or a pair of hands to help out. But all I can do from here is offer heartfelt ((((Hugs)))) and support.

[paris7am.livejournal.com]

The feelings are so strong in my heart and soul, wishes for you and your sister - for all of you involved there - that you will find strength and comfort.

[ruddigore.livejournal.com]

I wish I could do so much more than just being sad and sorry with you. ::holds your hand::

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

I wish I had a better way to offer my concern and sympathy than just typing out how very sorry I am that you and your sister and the rest of your family are going through this absolute shitstorm.

But I am hugely sorry.

[sweet-ali.livejournal.com]

Fed up? God, not at all. Just so very broken for you. And i know that's probably the last thing you want to hear. But please know that as much or as little as it will do, you and your family are deeply in my thoughts. I can't imagine having to go through this, to be there, but I honestly think it's the right thing. As right as anything can be in this situation.

You know where to find me if you need anything.

[cereta.livejournal.com]

My thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this.

[spookycat4.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad your sister has caring friends and you and your dad. I know it's hell living through this and I only hope you can find some peace later. I can't think of anyone horrible enough to begrudge you some venting.

Kim