A hole in the world

[gwyn]

My twin sister is gone. She died last night, in pain and afraid. I happened to be with her, after others had left, because I just thought I would hang around, hold her hand and read my magazine and watch Alias on low. They had to wake her to move her, since she'd kicked us all out of her room earlier in the day for rest, and had been sleeping in the same position for hours. She insisted, still, on getting up to move to go to the toilet, and unfortunately by the time they got her back into bed, I could see that something was gone in her, and after a little while she stopped breathing altogether. I wasn't expecting it then, I thought maybe another day since she wanted so badly to see her friends who were coming today. But she was just destroyed by the tumors, and so weak, and the moving and being frightened because things were different (it's the only time she's ever called for me to help her), did her in.

She fought so hard and it was so terrible. She didn't want to go to the hospice in-patient center. It was beautiful, though, and even though her friend bullied her into it, which I resented, I knew she needed to go. They tried to manage her pain and I think they had gotten her there, comfortable, but she was deteriorating so fast that the moving just was too much. The EMTs who came for her in the ambulance were really good looking, and that seemed to help her and made her smile when we teased her about the hotties who were going to carry her off to her chariot. I can't say enough about the wonderful people at the hospice center. It looked like a spa, and they had so many things to offer and such kind people. I'm so sorry that she never got the chance to do those things, to feel better.

I called my father, but I didn't call anyone else except her primary caregiving friend, which some of her friends have complained about. But I knew she wouldn't want anyone to see her dead. I stayed at her house alone last night to stay with the kitties, and now I have a house full of her friends, cleaning things out, and I'm overwhelmed, and they're so loud. But she loved them so much I can't bear to kick them out, though I've asked if it's possible for them to stay elsewhere tonight.

We had so little time. When people tell me that god doesn't take people who aren't ready to go, or that everyone accepts at the end, or that she knew I was there and was comforted, I want to scream. It's such crap. She was in terrible shape, and she didn't know I was there or hear or see me. I didn't want to watch anyone else die in my arms again, and I still ended up doing that, by accident. And all I can see is her face and her pain. No one understands that, so they keep lecturing me about all the things I should be thinking or feeling. She would tell me, when I said that, "Welcome to my world." I miss her so much already.

I know most people have never met her, even people who know me in real life. But if you felt like making a donation to an organization in her name, some good ones are The Ovarian Cancer Research Fund, the wonderful people at the San Diego Hospice & Palliative Care, and especially the San Diego Humane Society Animal Rescue Reserve, an organization she was dedicated to and a concern for which she risked her life during the fires a few years ago, getting animals out of fire zones. You can make a donation in the name of Andy Runciman, and I think that would make her heart glad, wherever she is. She was a really good person who had a really, really bad end, and I know she would love to know that something good came out of her pain.

Comments

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

I am so so very sorry for your loss and for your pain.

[crickwooder.livejournal.com]

Oh, gwyn, I'm so sorry for your loss.

[katallison.livejournal.com]

Oh Gwyn. There are no words. And sometimes there's no meaning to be made from the random cruelties of life.

Just to say I'm thinking of you, with love and caring.

[gem225.livejournal.com]

Oh no. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for the links for donations.

[zoniduck.livejournal.com]

There's really nothing that anyone can say to lessen your grief, or make you feel any better right now, but I am so very sorry for your loss.

::hugs::

[destina.livejournal.com]

Gwyn, I'm so sorry. All of your family is in my thoughts. *big hug*

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

Gwyn, I am so, incredibly sorry about your loss. My thoughts are with you.

[disgracelands.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. So, so sorry. And I wish you and your family a long life.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

Oh, Gwyn, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm angry that anyone would try to tell you what you should be feeling or thinking. I'm angry that you've had to go through this after everything you went through with your mom.

But mostly I'm just so, so sorry. Please know you're in my thoughts.

*love*

[movies-michelle.livejournal.com]

I can't tell you how sorry I am. Hugs available on request when you get home.

And thank you for including the links to the places. I wanted to donate to the animal rescue, since I remembered you talking about her working with them, but couldn't remember what the full name was.

[paratti.livejournal.com]

{{{{Gwyn}}}}. I wish I had the right words, but there aren't any.

I am so sorry for your loss and for your sister.

I'm thinking about you both.

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I will be making sure that my family gets a donation out to one of those causes. Thanks for that info.

I've admired your strength the whole way through this, even though I know you haven't felt strong. I hope the presence of your friends have helped you in some small way, just as you and your sister's friends helped her.

*hugs*

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

PS: lamamacita1981 passes along her condolences.

[avidrosette.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry for your loss, and for everything you and your sister had to suffer.

[fatuorum.livejournal.com]

So very sorry for your loss, and things to be so terrible at the end. You'll be in my thoughts, take care.

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

So very, very sad to hear this. My condolences and sympathy to you and your family.

Words are totally inadequate.

[voleuse.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost family members in the same way, and I know there isn't anything anyone can say, really, but I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_jems_/]

I'm so sorry for your loss and all you've had to go through.

[maggiesox.livejournal.com]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I was thinking about you on my walk home from work today, and hoping things were going well. I'm so sorry to hear that they weren't. Please know that I'm thinking of you and of your family. If there's anything I can do to help, please just let me know.

[maygra.livejournal.com]

I know it's an awful thing and not pretty or kind. I am so very, very sorry she's gone. Sorry you had to be where you didn't want to be, and still I know I wouldn't want to be alone. But mostly just sorry for all of it.

[superplin.livejournal.com]

Oh, Gwyn, I'm so sorry. I know what you mean about people telling you what you should feel, and how horrible it is knowing that someone you love spent even part of their final moments scared and alone.

It was so fast, which is both a curse and a blessing, but I really do hope you can find some peace in all of this soon.

[dine.livejournal.com]

*hugs Gwyn*

I'm sorry to hear this - loss hurts, and advance warning doesn't matter or ease the pain. I'm thinking of you and your dad.

wish I were closer, or could help in any concrete fashion - if you need anything, please don't hesitate to call on me, at any time.

[magarettt.livejournal.com]

In my thoughts. Remember to breathe.

[ann1962]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com]

I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

[brynwulf]

Gwyn, I only know you through F&F and your fic, which I've only recently discovered, but I can't let this sort of news pass without at least a message that you arein my thoughts and I hope you will find peace in the knowledge that your sister is neither confused or in pain any longer. Not much consolation, but it's all I have.

Blessed Be