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[gwyn]

It seems impossible that it's been more than a week now since my sister's death. It feels like a lifetime ago, and just a moment. I thought about disabling comments on my last post, but in the updates I've given about her before, people still felt compelled to hunt down my email address, and so I figured that I should leave the option open so that no one would need to go to that much trouble. I thank all of you who expressed your condolences, and especially those of you who've made donations, or left me poems or words of wisdom on your LJs, or sent me cards or gifts. Believe me, it doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated.



I took a late flight home on Saturday night, and fortunately ended up in the back of the plane by myself (except for the asshat who came and brought his annoying kid to sit in the only row behind me and kick my fucking seat for a while before they moved up to the exit row, even though there were tons of other places they could have sat) with just the flight attendants. I was glad for the silence, because I was a wreck. My sister didn't want a funeral or a service of any kind, so on Saturday we had an open house at her home. We put out photo albums and pictures that people could take with them if they had times they wanted to remember Andy by. (It's always so funny for me to think of her that way; she got that nickname after she moved down there.) At one point I think there were nearly 70 people there, and most of those people were not casual acquaintances. That is what I mean by a hole in the world: my sister was loved by a lot of people, and she had more real friends than I can imagine ever having. One woman flew out from New Jersey at great expense, just to be there for a few hours. It's a testament to her that so many people had such loving stories to tell.

Even though it was a low key affair, I was pretty drained by the time I left. Her friends wanted to start cleaning out things, but I wasn't really ready. I love my sister, but girlfriend had a LOT of stuff -- probably about $5,000 worth of cosmetics alone! So we all took things home with us, and I basically filled her new brand new Swiss Army very expensive suitcase with all manner of skin care and makeup and checked it for home. I think she would have been amused by us poking around and taking things. But I felt weird. I'm glad I have some of her things, and I like wearing her perfumes and things, but I wasn't ready for all that then.

feochadn had picked me up at the airport and when I got home I found out she'd cleaned up the house, and left me a huge bouquet of wonderful Pike Place Market flowers (locals will know just how huge those things are). movies_michelle left me a slice of Black Forest cake from Yummy Bakery, my favorite. Emma the cat was so upset about how much I've been gone that she wouldn't come out of hiding for a while; she was scared of me. Being home, though, makes everything feel abstract and distanced, as though I'm just late in calling her to check in. Dad's answering machine has her voice on it. Everything feels so strange.

Probate lasts for at least a month in Calif., so my dad and I have to wait to go close out her house and take the things she willed out of the house. Right now the worst thing is that we cannot find a home for her kitties -- she has two very old brothers who are a little difficult to care for, but very loving. She left a large bequest to the person she willed them to, but that person (with whom I'm very angry) doesn't want them after all. Even with the money, we can't find any takers, so I don't know what to do. I cannot euthanize them, I just can't. I don't believe in things like that, and it would destroy my sister's soul. But I don't know how to find them a home from this long distance. Her friend who was in Animal Rescue with her is trying, but... geriatric puke machines may be a hard sell, even with a substantial kitty savings account.

I'm having trouble getting up in the morning, and have logged in later and later every day. My co-workers have been wonderful, encouraging me to take time off. When I came home I found a large gift card for a local spa from them. But I've never felt so lonely. The only people who seem to want to talk to me about her and hang out with me mindlessly didn't know her, but her friends are all far away, and they overwhelm me a lot. They're not people I would choose to hang with, but they knew her and loved her. Dad doesn't talk much, and when he does, he gets all verklemt and then says "I don't know what else to say." I waver between wanting to be alone and being desperate for someone to talk to, but some of the people who know the most about this lecture me, or give me platitudes I can't stand. I can only notify one person a day, so I've been doing the cards or mails or phone calls slowly. I can't stop seeing her sunken face, her eyes as she died. I look at pictures of her when she was so alive and vibrant, and then all I can see is her face as she suffered. And really, who the hell wants to hear you talk about things like that? So I can't blame people for not wanting to talk to me. When I called my oldest, dearest friend from the airport because I needed to talk to him, his new girlfriend, who lives cross country and so doesn't spend that much time with him, apparently got a little huffy jealous about his offering to fly out to be with me. We've been friends for a million years, travel together, etc., and the girlfriend has met me, but it made me feel even worse, that I'm causing friction by wanting to talk to my friend. I thought she was cool when we met, but now I'm not so sure.

I've had some lovely feedback on my Mag 7 stories and vids lately, and a wonderful conversation with z_rayne about F&F stories and vids, but I can't find the energy to work on new stuff. Part of me wants to take refuge in writing, either fanfic or my commercial stuff, but there's just nothing in me, motivation-wise. Or vidding. I wish I could finish the things people are waiting for, becaues I always feel like if I'm not producing something, I have no worth. But. There's just nothing in me. If I'm not concentrating on work or giving the puss her medicine, everything floods back. I've only been able to muster the energy to notify about one person a day. Otherwise it's just too much, especially when it's like the indifference of all my crappy cousins. You always find out who your pals are in situations like this, too -- the people who never say boo to you but that you've always thought were your real friends. I don't know why but that's always one of the most depressing things about this kind of situation.

I used to brush off all those stories about twins losing their twin, thinking it couldn't be that much different than any other kind of loss. But it is. I don't know how to explain it, but it is. I always figured I'd go first, so it wouldn't matter. I would give anything, do anything, if it could have been me instead.

Comments

[maggiesox.livejournal.com]

Oh, hon. I wish I could help. I was in the same frame of mind for months after my dad died, and I wasn't even there to see it happen. I'm not going to tell you that it's all going to be okay, because it isn't- that hole in your heart will never be filled, and anyone who thinks it will be is wrong. But it will get easier to deal with, and easier to wrap your head around. Please let me know if I can help out in any way while you're going through this.

[melinafandom.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad you are hanging in there. My thoughts are with you, and please let me know if there's anything I can do.

[jidabug.livejournal.com]

Oh, hon. I wish I was closer so that I could be there for you in person even though we've never met in person before. But if there is anything I can do for you from this distance, just say the word. And if you want to get away from the usual for a bit, you've got a place in Portland to escape to should you need it.

*hugs*

[elz.livejournal.com]

And really, who the hell wants to hear you talk about things like that?

I've been in that situation a couple of times, although never with someone so young, and seriously, for whatever it's worth, feel free to talk as much (or as little) as you want about anything on your journal. It's not quite the same, but if we can't do anything else, we can listen. *virtual hugs*

[ann1962]

I used to brush off all those stories about twins losing their twin, thinking it couldn't be that much different than any other kind of loss. But it is. I don't know how to explain it, but it is. I always figured I'd go first, so it wouldn't matter. I would give anything, do anything, if it could have been me instead.

There is a group called Twinless Twins. You can check out their site here. There is also a lj comm, timelesstwins but it is not very active.

I watch what my son goes through having lost his twin and I see the effect. I send you my best hugs.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Ann. I remembered you and what you went through with your son, and I really appreciate you giving me this link. I hadn't realized till I talked to the hospice grief counselor today just how much this was hurting, and so I will definitely look into this. Bless you.

[ann1962]

Thank you. You are sweet. I am checking on a few more links to that may or may not be appropriate. I will let you know. Take care!

[ann1962]

Hey Gwyn: There isn't much. I found these but they may or maynot be helpful. I still think the Twinless Twin link would be most useful.

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/tcf_sibling_resources.shtml This one may not be appropriate as they may not understand the dynamics of twin grief.

http://www.adultsiblinggrief.com/resources.htm This seems to have a lot of links, again not much twin stuff.

I hope you are doing alright. Hugs all around again!

Ann

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I hope there's some comfort, however small, in knowing that your friends hear what you are saying here.

I said kaddish for your sister last Shabbat, and you have been in my thoughts.

In my (admittedly limited) experience with grief (and my much less-limited experience with depression :P) the only way out is through. I believe in this as strongly as I believe in anything. It may seem that you are out to sea in a rowboat with no oars, and weathering the storms can seem impossible, but just keep breathing. There is land, and you will reach it; your friends may not be able to take this journey with you, but we're here on the shore, and we'll welcome you when you make it home. One day, impossible as it seems now, you'll wake up and won't immediately wish it had been you.

I'm sorry I'm so far away. I dreamed the other night that I found you, at a con, and came over to hug you because of your loss. You were wearing a red coat. In the language of the dream, that meant you were going to be okay.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

It's funny, I don't have a red coat, but I bought the red jacket that Jo painted that she had in the art auction at the con. You must be a very prescient dreamer! I hope your dream is right.

And I really appreciate the kaddish that both you and batdina have said for her -- I'm not religious, but it really touches me when people do things like that, and I know it would touch my sister very deeply.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

*offers many hugs* You are one of the strongest people I know.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I wish I felt that way! Sometimes I feel like the biggest wimp around. Especially coming from the stoic, Spartan family. But I appreciate you saying so, more than you can imagine.

[fiercy.livejournal.com]

Thank you for trusting us with your feelings.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

Gwyn, I posted this bit about grief in M'lyn's LJ but it may be helpful to you, too. (It's what my friend Robert wrote after his fiancee had a miscarrage of a longed for baby.)

"Grief never fades away. It's like that video game you don't have time to play: when you pick the controller back up, the character is still right there, still waiting to move on. You can pause it, indefinitely if you like, but the character will still not pick up and solve the game independently. You can shut the power off, pack the game away in the closet...but if...or when...you ever get it back out, the game is still waiting to be solved, still won't let you advance to the next level until you do the work yourself."

A very unusual way to talk about grief, but for me, I found it oddly effective. There *are* levels.

Robert has also said:
"Building is a challenge. Building is constructive, a positive force in the world, a never ending battle against time and entropy."

Which may explain some of this need you feel to create art. It's an outlet for you, a refuge. It's your part of the battle against time and entropy. And yes, it's incredibly frustrating to feel like you have something in you screaming to get out, but nothing comes. Or you want the comfort of creating, but can't find the right jumping on point.

I suppose at this point, I could put a link to the Durer etchings about Melencholy ... they are a rather eloquent statement about artistic frustation.

I guess what I can say to you is that there is no easy way, and that I have nothing to (in the words of Lincoln) "beguile you from you grief".

Keep playing. It's the only way to the next level.

[maubast.livejournal.com]

I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts.

[cy-girl.livejournal.com]

Gwyn - I've been thinking about you all week so I'm glad to hear from you.

::hug::

[tavella.livejournal.com]

There are a few networks that specialize in placing elderly cats; I have an acquaintance who works with one such group. I think Harry's probably full up right now, but I can at least email him and ask for advice.

Re: San Diego Shelters

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so much for this, it's really helpful. I'm going to pass it on to her friend -- we were hoping we could sort of keep it "in network" among her friends, but that isn't happening, so now we have to go larger. I'm going to write up a blurb sort of selling the situation that her friend can use to market the cats -- I think that if people know about my sister, and how much she dedicated herself to animals, that other animal lovers might respond in kind. I hope... because even though they are problematic old guys, they are loving, and I don't think she can rest knowing that they are in danger. One of her friends even suggested putting them down "so they can be with her," but that would just... she would never be at peace if that happened.

[minim_calibre]

Gwyn, I know a few people in the San Diego area, and can ask them if they know anyone who can take in a couple of older, cranky, orphaned kitties if you think that would help.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

It would -- and I would be grateful. I realize it's a long shot, but anything helps. They are older than 14, I think, and one is a scrawny old bald guy due to allergies and an illness, but he's still pretty hale and hearty. The other has a terrible tendency to vomit more than just hairballs, but I really believe that part of that's stress and part of that is something physical that can be controlled. There is a healthy bequest that comes with them, to pay for their care and food and watering. They are troublesome in some ways, but also extremely loving and very cute and sweet. Mostly they've been indoor cats, but I always thought my sister was a little overprotective and that they could be like my cat -- indoors but with outdoor priveleges when watched.

[minim_calibre]

I've put out the call. I don't know if anything will come of it, but I figure the wider the base, the better.

[superplin.livejournal.com]

Grief and loss are such horrible things to deal with alone, since they fill you with emptiness (paradoxical as that sounds). I was in a similar position when my mother died, alone in her house and with no one around, and wavering between feeling utterly isolated and perversely enjoying the cotton-wool peace of being left to deal with it on my own. I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose your twin sister this way, and the conflicting emotions that must bubble up on occasion.

My thoughts are with you.

[fishsanwitt]

Firstly, ::gentle hugs::

My thoughts are with you and your Dad.

I was in school when my mother died and that kept me grounded, to a certain degree.

I was late with every assignment, but I showed up every day and plodded through the work. And it *did* help.

It's been 5 1/2 years and I think of her every day - miss her every day - but I go on.

The hole is always there, but I'm going on in spite of that. I guess that's my version of a pep talk :)

::more gentle hugs to you::

Take care of yourself.

[dine.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

it's never going to be enough, but you've people who care and will listen - for as long as you need to talk. I can't relate personally to losing a twin, but if you want a live ear/shoulder at 2:00 am, call me (and I'm serious about the offer).

hopefully when you're less physically/emotionally/spiritually drained inspiration will follow the urge, and your creativity will come back - and for your own sake, may that day be soon.

[klia.livejournal.com]

I continue to think about you and your dad, and send love and virtual hugs to you both.

I know at times it's incredibly hard to reach out, but when you feel the need, please know that your friends will welcome you with open arms. That's what we're here for.

[paratti.livejournal.com]

I wish I was closer and could do something other than offer ((((Hugs)))).

[stakebait.livejournal.com]

*hugs if you want them* I'm so sorry.

[quextico.livejournal.com]

I hope I'm not intruding - you might try "Best Friends" at http://www.bestfriends.org/. They have a sanctuary, special needs adoptions, etc. And if they are unable to find loving homes for pets, they keep them - it's a no-kill sanctuary.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you -- I really appreciate any direction in this. I know it's hard for her friend, too, to be doing this alone, so I want to be able to help even though I'm far away. I'm grateful.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

Oh, Gwyn.

Thank you for posting--I know you must be hurting more than I can imagine, but please know that I'm thinking of you, and have been. Again, I can't imagine what you're going through, can't imagine the pain, but I do believe it will get a little easier with time, although, as others have said, that hole will always be there. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.

*hugs*

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

gwyn. i have no words. just sending my love. am thinking of you; if there is anything i can help you with, just tell me.

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

Vent here any time. That's what your journal is for.

People above have been far more eloquent than I know how to be, so I'll point at all your very wise friends and agree with them. I can't imagine what you're going through, and I have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

And, unfortunately, you do find out who's real when the bad times come. I have an article somewhere that talks about that; I'll dig it up and post the text, because it was originally published during very dark times for me and it really hit home.

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Hey-

Your sister (and her cats) was local? I live in North Bay, let me look into the cat thing. Tell me more about them?

Email if you want to. Kita0610@aol.com

Please know you and yours continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

-D

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I had no idea you were down that way! Even though it's a long shot, I figure if the more people who know, the better chance we have, so I'm grateful even if nothing happens.

This is what I wrote to Min above:
They are older than 14, I think, and one is a scrawny old bald guy due to allergies and an illness, but he's still pretty hale and hearty. The other has a terrible tendency to vomit more than just hairballs, but I really believe that part of that's stress and part of that is something physical that can be controlled. There is a healthy bequest that comes with them, to pay for their care and food and watering. They are troublesome in some ways, but also extremely loving and very cute and sweet. Mostly they've been indoor cats, but I always thought my sister was a little overprotective and that they could be like my cat -- indoors but with outdoor priveleges when watched.

I'm not sure if they are okay with kids, I doubt at their advanced age they'd be able to take other pets, but who knows -- they might be fine with kids, even. I think the scrawny one might freak because he doesn't see too well, but I bet that they could get over it. I just can't imagine anyone with kids wanting to take on two more difficult children!

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Ok, let me look into it. Let me know if it starts to look like you'll have to give them to a shelter or something, I can probably at least find a temporary home for them in the worst case scenario.

[darkwoods.livejournal.com]

Somebody said it above, "Thank you for trusting us with your thoughts." I second this. Take care, and just lie fallow for a while. Don't worry about producing anything...just take care.

[ruddigore.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry and have nothing to say that will help. I hold you in my thoughts and wish there was something more that I could do.

[nwhepcat.livejournal.com]

::Sending you hugs and good thoughts, and thwacking on the head anyone who thinks they should lecture you::

My best friend was telling me last night about the cat she adopted, one of two. The sign on her cage said her "mom" had been a cat rescue person, and since my friend lost her own mom recently, she knew she wanted this cat. I'm taking that as a sign that your sister's cats will be adopted and loved as well.

If there's any way you could get out to the Madison area, you would be most welcome to come here and just be for a while.

[rainkatt.livejournal.com]

I've got hugs - not much else I can do from here, except light candles for you and for your sister, which I did when she was ill... you'll do things in your own time, and feel what is appropriate to you. That's all you can do. You're in my thoughts.

If you're still having problems finding a place for the cats, let me know. I also know people in San Diego, who maybe could help, though it sounds as though you've got lots of options right now. If you think it wouldn't hurt to get more folks involved, I'll tell my friends. (They're cat people, and would completely understand.)

[sweet-ali.livejournal.com]

My heart is just breaking for you. I've dealt with grief, too much as of late, and though i can't say what it was like to lose a sister, i know i dealt with it all much as you did. I worked around it. I kept busy and at times, I huddled under my covers. I don't think there's a rhyme or reason to it, though i've tried my damnedest to find one. It seems that the only answer is to go through it and that's always the hardest, as I'm sure you already know.

Thank you for continuing to share with us, because yes, i would always hunt you down. Please know that somoene all the way across the country is thinking of you, hoping for you, aching for your pain. i'm here in any way i can be. *hugs* that is all.

[elynross.livejournal.com]

I know we're coming at loss from very different perspectives, and very different sorts of losses, but what you write sounds familiar to me in many ways, with the lethargy and numbness, and needing distraction, yet finding that my normal distractions take too much energy. I wrote quite a bit this last fall, and with Yuletide, but at the moment I'm in a low-energy spot again with that, and mostly I'm mindlessly watching TV and reading non-fanfiction, winding up the last details of the estate that I can at this point. That period of just hanging, not being able to do anything, is very hard.

I just hope you can be kind to yourself, and find someone(s) who will let you natter away, regardless of whether they knew her, or not. Someone who will realize what a gift it is, for you both, to just be able to be there, without the platitudes, without having to *do* anything. People feel so helpless, and don't realize how valuable it can be to just be available.

I haven't even really started responding to all the cards we got at the time of Mom's death. I was fortunate to have other people to help with notifications, but try not to be too hard on yourself with how long it takes -- it takes as long as it takes, and anyone who doesn't understand that is... not worth getting upset about. The niceties and "correct" way to do things can go fuck themselves, IMO, when you're dealing with something so bedrock-earth shaking and painful.