A sea of almosts

[gwyn]

We're almost finished with the Deadwood vid, which I hope that feochadn and I might be able to complete tomorrow night. It's only a minute to go, but as most vidders know, a minute can fly by, or be the longest minute you will ever experience, you can never tell.

I'm almost finished with the Mag 7 cave/cabin in the woods story (no, I did not say cave-in!). I'm almost finished with the 10th chapter of Measure of a Man.

I'm lost in a sea of almosts. In my whole life, I've never been a flake. I'm not the kind of person who needs deadline pressure to finish things (in fact, deadline pressure makes me crazy, because my whole career is built around crazy deadlines, so when it comes to regular life, I don't want them around me at all), or something looming like a vid show to make me finish something. I am not driven by outside influences; the world exists inside my head (the personal world, I mean, not the work world) and when I let it out, it's because I want to, not for some other reason. I am always punctual, usually early -- if I'm late for anything, my friends know that something serious happened, because I'm reliable. The only things I don't finish are things I believe don't need finishing; if I start a project, I finish it.

And yet... every day now it's a struggle just to stay afloat, let alone tread the water until I can find the end of the project. I open files and then close them without adding a word or a clip. I say I'm going to be somewhere and then don't show up. Once in a while, I just completely forget. I don't even have a date book anymore, I just write things on the backs of checks or business cards, and then forget I have them. It's a wonder I make it to any appointments at all. I can't stand the cloying feeling of half-finished projects, and yet I can't manage to make myself finish things without Herculean effort, except vids for some reason, but even then, I stumble. I keep telling myself I need to sit down and finish capturing for this Angel/Lindsey vid to Kasabian's Club-Foot, and as excited as I am about the idea of it, I just... can't seem to sit down and capture.

I hate the way this loss has changed me, yet I can't seem to get back to normal. I think there is no normal anymore. People expect it from me, gloss over what is different, but... I'm hyperaware of it. I don't even get annoyed anymore when people send me feedback that consists of "when are you going to finish [this WIP]?" I just respond with, well, yup, my twin sister died a few months ago so sorry, fanfic not a huge priority. Stuff like that used to bug the crap out of me. I am almost mad, almost snarky, but never quite there.

Everything, fandom especially, is a sea of almosts. Drowning, not waving! Gah. All these things I want to finish and be done with, and I want to not write fanfic anymore because it is a big sorry-ass waste of time, but I have to finish them first, get them off the horizon where they loom.

Comments

There is a normal

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

It's just not the same as it used to be, & you have to learn it all over again & it TOTALLY SUCKS!!! But there is a normal.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

I hate the way this loss has changed me, yet I can't seem to get back to normal. I think there is no normal anymore.

I don't mean this to sound harsh or callous or utterly bleak, but there's a distinct possiblity that your "old normal" may never come back. You're not that person any more.

When you'll find your new normal and what it will be I cannot say, but you will find it. Or it will find you. (Probably when you least expect it.)

Until then, one day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

I keep telling myself I need to sit down and finish capturing for this Angel/Lindsey vid to Kasabian's Club-Foot, and as excited as I am about the idea of it, I just... can't seem to sit down and capture.

Have you ever seen Durer's prints on Melencholia? In your current state, I think you might find them ... insightful and reassuring.

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

but there's a distinct possiblity that your "old normal" may never come back. You're not that person any more.

Uh, yeah. Exactly. You aren't the person you were before and that is not fair because you liked being that person and you didn't want to have to change. At least that was my experience. And then there was the grieving process of that - not just my brother, but the fact that I lost who I was before. I lost the family I had before. It was just loss. And he died six years ago this month and while I am in a much better place than I was before - it never goes away entirely. You just learn to live in a new place. Part of you just has to let go in order to make it - to keep functioning. So you forget things and misplace things and are distractable and have a hard time focussing. It is just another way of coping.

So ease up on yourself and don't expect anything to be normal or normal for you. Strange is the new normal.

[varina8.livejournal.com]

This is very wise advice. In the past, I've likened this kind of change to immigrating to a country that you didn't even want to visit. Nonetheless, you're there and it's there you have to find your new life. Eventually it can even be a good life, but a part of you always remembers the old one and misses it.

[superplin.livejournal.com]

I hate the way this loss has changed me, yet I can't seem to get back to normal.

It is still so soon, although I'm sure it feels like ages. It won't last forever, not in the way that keeps you from being able to meet all your obligations/expectations the way you want to.

Grieving is hard, and it's one of those things people don't talk about much, so it's easy to feel like a freak when you feel so disconnected and disjointed. But really, give yourself some time and cut yourself some slack, okay? I wish there were something I could do.

[batwrangler.livejournal.com]

Wish I could swim out to you and bring you back to shore, but I can only echo what others are saying: it's too soon to expect yourself to function "normally" again, and when it is time, normal probably won't be what it was.

The whole set of firsts (holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and all the rest) really, really suck.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Drowning, not waving!

Did you hear the episode of This American Life (NPR) which told 20+ very short stories during their hour, instead of their usual three or four? One of them was a clip from a woman about nearly drowning off the coast of Nantucket, and her friends onshore presuming she was waving merrily at them the entire time.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

That is actually really funny. Because honestly, that would be most of my friends and acquaintances. They pay no attention to anything, and never follow through or otherwise bother to really look at things. They would totally let me drown -- many are letting me drown -- and be all, "have a good time!" and wave back.

that's the first thing that's made me laugh in a long time.

[aukestrel.livejournal.com]

I totally know what you mean. The... one good thing about going through something like this is realising what's really important, and fandom shit, or, hell, interpersonal office shit (much as I complain about it) is NOT that important... not as important as losing someone (or something) you love. It's a whole new perspective and whenever someone, like, cuts me off in traffic, now I try to remember that I have NO idea what they're going through. It's made me more patient in some ways (and less patient in other ways, esp. with people who seem to be so focused on trivia and/or so self-centred and you just want to say, God, get a grip!).

Of course you are changed.

{{{hugs}}}

[minim_calibre]

It hasn't been that long, and while I know there are probably people out there with short attention spans who act like you should be over it by now, it's still far too soon for anyone reasonable to expect that. I wish there were some way I could lighten your mental load and help you find your path to the new normal, or at least speed up the clock for you.

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

If "normal" is being the same as I was one year ago, then doing something different every day is abnormal...and wouldn't that mean that me going to school, learning new things, working on new projects, and starting a new career are all "abnormal"?

I don't believe that's true at all. Everything is in a constant state of flux. The people who matter know that you are in an adjustment period, a seriously huge one that will last for a long, long time. Right now there is no normal, and if there ever is one again, it won't be the same.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

I wonder if (and I'm not meaning any kind of judgment with this whatsoever) you might be moving from grieving into outright depression.

*hugs*

[namastenancy.livejournal.com]

Yes - without wanting to seem insensitive or judgmental, I was wondering the same thing. I worked in hospitals all of my working life and I've seen this before - when you can't move past the trauma and it just gouges deeper and deeper. Please see a doctor or a qualified professional; grieving is a normal part of losing someone dear but you seem to be continually heading downward and that's not normal.

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

What's the timeframe on this?

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I didn't respond to this because I didn't want to seem mean or ungrateful for your support. But the thing is... I'm not trying to be all "my grief is worse than anyone else's", it's just that it isn't the same as anyone else's. In the way I can't know what it's like to not be a twin, I don't think other people can really get what it's like to be one. Or to watch one go from a seemingly healthy, happy person to a ravaged skeleton in six months of terrible suffering and die a horrible, painful death in your arms, suddenly, cruelly. I don't know what's normal about that, or how that could be classified as a regular grief process. I'm not trying to be contentious, I just don't know that it's comparable.

[namastenancy.livejournal.com]

I don't think that there is any way to measure grief or the grieving process but you are still suffering and that hurts all of us who care for you (even if we are only on line friend). There is nothing normal about the death of a young, vibrant woman from cancer and the fact that she was your twin makes it even more bitter. I'm just hoping that you can find the resources and the support that you need to help you deal with this painful loss. I read a later entry in which you talked about the assholes who rejected you for membership in an on line support group. You deserve better than that and I pray that you get it. I hesitated a long time before posting because I didn't want to seem to be saying "get over it. " I'm not saying that. I'm saying -- honor your grief and the empty space in your heart - but please find real help to cross over this chasm.

namaste!

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

Other people able to be more articulate than I can now have said some really sage things here. I only want to add that I think it's OK for you to choose not to finish your fanfic projects if you don't want to. If you think it would help you feel more satisfied with your efforts, that's one thing. But please do not kick yourself around for unfinished, unpaid work.