Not so sure about the thanks
Nov. 22nd, 2005 11:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynI usually try to think about what I'm thankful for around our holiday time. This year, I am coming up with bupkus, except the cat, but there's the sword hanging over our heads with her illness. I have the house, the car... I have a lot of things that I would give up if I could have my sister back.
I went to the twinless twins local meeting on Saturday. Only one other person showed up, unfortunately, besides the host, but it was still a good thing to go. For one, it's the only time I didn't have to explain what it means to be a twin, or why this is different (not special, just different). Why "just get over it" doesn't work -- the twinless (how they tend to refer to themselves) in the organization seem to never get over it, not really. One of the other women's story was so tragic it broke my heart. And it was good for me because even though her twin died over two years ago, she is so angry at the medical people who gave her the wrong drugs, and so angry that her sister suffered, and I am so tired of being made to feel like my anger is bad. The best thing for me was to know that other people are angry, too, and that I'm not just being unreasonable and childish. And the woman who organized it, she was so relieved to hear me say that Sis_r and I fought like cats and dogs most of our life, but that it never mattered. That we were always together until she moved to San Diego. This woman talked about how her husband could never get over the fact that she and her twin fought and then five minutes later were on the phone again, being all loving and happy. So, all in all, even though it was small, I think it was a good thing for me to go.
We talked about our individual stories, and lit a candle (sugar cookie scented, which my sister would have loved) and talked about a specific anecdote. We talked about how we would get through the holidays. I mentioned how much harder this is because our birthday is always around Thanksgiving, and it was our favorite holiday. We showed pictures and just remembered. Got mad, got sad. The materials that they gave me had something I really valued, a comment about how the worst part is dealing with the "why is my twin gone and not me?" guilt. That's something that eats away at me daily -- my sister was so loved, and needed, and had so many friends and she left a hole in the world. I would not have made that kind of impact and I wish all the time that it had been me -- she would have done much better without me than I without her, I really believe. It was good to know that most twins feel this way.
And then I'm having this bad stuff at work and that is draining. For the first time, I didn't just go "whatever" and sign the review and leave it. I challenged my boss and told her I thought she wasn't being encouraging, she was being punitive and that the anxiety about coming to work wasn't worth it. I even said that, hey, if I'd known things like technical expertise in developer level backend stuff was going to be a sticking point, I wouldn't have stuck around in January, and maybe I'm honestly not the best person for the job. Not as a threat, just as a "look, maybe we're not suited for each other." She is still mulling it over. I don't care. If anything, my sister's death has taught me that life is way too short for this kind of shit.
But on top of that, right at the exact worst moment, my home computer died. The tech guys in DC think a spyware program hijacked my browser and that's why I can ping, but not get any kind of net connection. So I couldn't work all afternoon on Friday, which was my late day and I had mass responsibilities, and also had to work on the weekend, which meant driving to my dad's each morning, early, so I could use his computer. The Geek Squad guy is coming this afternoon, they say, and so I have to go home and be useless. I have no faith they will fix it if the guy on the phone is anything to judge by. I'm tired of working at dad's because his setup is worse than mine. And all for a job I hate right now.
Life, not a bowl of cherries, and thanks, hard to find.
I went to the twinless twins local meeting on Saturday. Only one other person showed up, unfortunately, besides the host, but it was still a good thing to go. For one, it's the only time I didn't have to explain what it means to be a twin, or why this is different (not special, just different). Why "just get over it" doesn't work -- the twinless (how they tend to refer to themselves) in the organization seem to never get over it, not really. One of the other women's story was so tragic it broke my heart. And it was good for me because even though her twin died over two years ago, she is so angry at the medical people who gave her the wrong drugs, and so angry that her sister suffered, and I am so tired of being made to feel like my anger is bad. The best thing for me was to know that other people are angry, too, and that I'm not just being unreasonable and childish. And the woman who organized it, she was so relieved to hear me say that Sis_r and I fought like cats and dogs most of our life, but that it never mattered. That we were always together until she moved to San Diego. This woman talked about how her husband could never get over the fact that she and her twin fought and then five minutes later were on the phone again, being all loving and happy. So, all in all, even though it was small, I think it was a good thing for me to go.
We talked about our individual stories, and lit a candle (sugar cookie scented, which my sister would have loved) and talked about a specific anecdote. We talked about how we would get through the holidays. I mentioned how much harder this is because our birthday is always around Thanksgiving, and it was our favorite holiday. We showed pictures and just remembered. Got mad, got sad. The materials that they gave me had something I really valued, a comment about how the worst part is dealing with the "why is my twin gone and not me?" guilt. That's something that eats away at me daily -- my sister was so loved, and needed, and had so many friends and she left a hole in the world. I would not have made that kind of impact and I wish all the time that it had been me -- she would have done much better without me than I without her, I really believe. It was good to know that most twins feel this way.
And then I'm having this bad stuff at work and that is draining. For the first time, I didn't just go "whatever" and sign the review and leave it. I challenged my boss and told her I thought she wasn't being encouraging, she was being punitive and that the anxiety about coming to work wasn't worth it. I even said that, hey, if I'd known things like technical expertise in developer level backend stuff was going to be a sticking point, I wouldn't have stuck around in January, and maybe I'm honestly not the best person for the job. Not as a threat, just as a "look, maybe we're not suited for each other." She is still mulling it over. I don't care. If anything, my sister's death has taught me that life is way too short for this kind of shit.
But on top of that, right at the exact worst moment, my home computer died. The tech guys in DC think a spyware program hijacked my browser and that's why I can ping, but not get any kind of net connection. So I couldn't work all afternoon on Friday, which was my late day and I had mass responsibilities, and also had to work on the weekend, which meant driving to my dad's each morning, early, so I could use his computer. The Geek Squad guy is coming this afternoon, they say, and so I have to go home and be useless. I have no faith they will fix it if the guy on the phone is anything to judge by. I'm tired of working at dad's because his setup is worse than mine. And all for a job I hate right now.
Life, not a bowl of cherries, and thanks, hard to find.
