I didn't think it could get any worse.

[gwyn]

Today is the day my twin sister died, one year ago. Last week had the day my mom died, something I was acutely aware of as I was flying home from LA. I don't necessarily want to mark these anniversaries, but I do. It's like they're burned in my heart. Tomorrow is the calendar day of sis_r's death, and Dad and I are going to do something, go to the cemetery, whatever. Feels like such an empty gesture since neither of us really believes, and yet we still go. Everyone else has moved on, but for Dad and me, time kind of stands still.

Last week I found out a guy I gamed with once, and who has gamed with my best friend for decades and was his very good friend, shot himself in despair over money woes. Feeling like he couldn't reach out to anyone for help. A nice guy, a decent guy.

Tonight just as I was finishing up work, I saw that Nan Dibble has died, an unexpected, sudden death that sounds like she suffered beforehand. I hate thinking of that, this lovely woman who was so kind and wry and smart, suffering, ever. She had been through a hell of a few years of badness, and she was so kind to me even at the worst of those times. We were infrequent communicators, but we always picked up threads of conversation as if we'd just been talking a while ago. When I lost my job two years ago, she was right there, introducing herself to me (even though we sort of knew each other through lists and through our fic), and comiserating. She had lost her job as an editor in a small market, was older, terrified of losing her house, fearing for her future, too. I was more worried about her situation; I said, "there but for the grace of Microsoft go I" because I at least had the Evil Empire to fall back on if I couldn't find regular work, since they were still employing temp help. She made me hopeful, encouraged me not to give up. I saw what other fans did to help her so that she could retire officially, and get social security. They helped her hang on long enough, and that was inspirational to me. Nan was inspirational to a lot of people. I am just devastated by her loss, by her suffering.

That is always what destroys me -- the pain and the fear and the suffering. My mom went through it, my sister doubly so. My acquaintance was obviously at the end of his rope. And Nan was sick before she went into the hospital.

I always remember Dear Abby saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Has there ever been a bigger lie in the history of the world? It isn't handling it. It's just enduring. Blow after blow after blow and you just crawl along on your broken limbs and try to survive even if you don't want to.

If you've never read Nan's writing, you should. She was a science fiction writer and a fan writer and she did the Buffyverse such justice. You can read about her work here at Julia Here's LJ. Nan, I will miss you. The world is a much poorer place.

Comments

[nwhepcat.livejournal.com]

You're in my thoughts, chica.

And that line about God bugs the crap out of me, too. So clearly not true.

::hugs you::

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I was thinking of you today. I hold you and your family in my heart.

[ann1962]

My thoughts are with you Gwyn.

we have to endure

[kormantic.livejournal.com]

because it beats the alternative. usually.

I'm sorry tht so much has been lost to you, friends and family that you miss.

Here's hoping that friends new and old will help you through this unhappy anniversary.

[minim_calibre]

My thoughts are with you. It doesn't seem like it's been a year.

I'm so sorry for the extra blows with Nan's passing and the death of your friend. In a just world, you'd be cushioned slightly from the pain of this time of year with a huge raise, nice weather, and unexpected kindnesses from all corners.

The line about God is a horribly cruel lie.

[barkley.livejournal.com]

Gwyn, I'm thinking of you.

[ixchel55.livejournal.com]

It took 5-6 years before I stopped dreading the arrival of June 13th, which is the day I found my father dead. I would think about the date and obsess on it for weeks beforehand.

Then the immediate pain associated with the date gradually began to fade and the time between my depression over the date and the actual day itself lessened. Then one year I realized it was June 15th and I hadn't remembered the date. Part of me was sad that I'd forgotten, but the biggest part of me was relieved that I no longer associated my father with that ugly day but with the great memories I had of him.

It's trite but true, distance does lessen the pain and the overwhelming feelings of depression. The time in between sucks like only someone who has lost someone before their time can truly know.

My thoughts are with you. Hang on, I promise it does get better even if it never goes completely away.

[minotaurs.livejournal.com]

Hugs, and good thoughts.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

::hugs you::

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

You've been in my thoughts, and continue to be.

[wendylouwho.livejournal.com]

I know you don't know me. I came here through calturner.

I am a member of the same posting board that Nan was. It appears that you are in the same stage of grieving that I am. The anger stage. Nan did have some rough times lately. And it seems so unfair that a lady such as she, should have to suffer through so much. But she always maintained her spunk and her wisdom through it all.

I am sorry that you have suffered so much loss as well. I just wanted to let you know that your words touched me. I am glad that Nan was there for you when you needed her.

She will be greatly missed .

Wendy

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

I kept thinking I should write something "profound," you know? And since nothing profound was coming to me, I didn't write at all. But I'm thinking about you, in an unprofound way. And I agree with you about the whole God thing. If we're never given more than we can carry, why do some of us break? To me it sounds like they're blaming the people who do break for not being strong enough, which--no. Nobody gets to do that.

Love you.

[raveninthewind.livejournal.com]

I found your LJ through mutual LJ friends. I just want to say that I know the grief you are feeling at these memorial dates occur, having lost my only son to suicide in late December. I am just beginning this grief journey, but everyone I know who has experienced such losses says that it's a long one, and that these anniversaries won't get easier for many years. Not much comfort now, I guess, but please know that I wish you strength and peace as you deal with these losses.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't even imagine how devastating that must be for you, but I thank you for sharing it and I appreciate knowing that there are others out there struggling through as I am (through this ordeal, I've made many new friends in the virtual community, and it has proven invaluable to me). You have my deepest sympathies.