I didn't think it could get any worse.
Mar. 8th, 2006 07:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynToday is the day my twin sister died, one year ago. Last week had the day my mom died, something I was acutely aware of as I was flying home from LA. I don't necessarily want to mark these anniversaries, but I do. It's like they're burned in my heart. Tomorrow is the calendar day of sis_r's death, and Dad and I are going to do something, go to the cemetery, whatever. Feels like such an empty gesture since neither of us really believes, and yet we still go. Everyone else has moved on, but for Dad and me, time kind of stands still.
Last week I found out a guy I gamed with once, and who has gamed with my best friend for decades and was his very good friend, shot himself in despair over money woes. Feeling like he couldn't reach out to anyone for help. A nice guy, a decent guy.
Tonight just as I was finishing up work, I saw that Nan Dibble has died, an unexpected, sudden death that sounds like she suffered beforehand. I hate thinking of that, this lovely woman who was so kind and wry and smart, suffering, ever. She had been through a hell of a few years of badness, and she was so kind to me even at the worst of those times. We were infrequent communicators, but we always picked up threads of conversation as if we'd just been talking a while ago. When I lost my job two years ago, she was right there, introducing herself to me (even though we sort of knew each other through lists and through our fic), and comiserating. She had lost her job as an editor in a small market, was older, terrified of losing her house, fearing for her future, too. I was more worried about her situation; I said, "there but for the grace of Microsoft go I" because I at least had the Evil Empire to fall back on if I couldn't find regular work, since they were still employing temp help. She made me hopeful, encouraged me not to give up. I saw what other fans did to help her so that she could retire officially, and get social security. They helped her hang on long enough, and that was inspirational to me. Nan was inspirational to a lot of people. I am just devastated by her loss, by her suffering.
That is always what destroys me -- the pain and the fear and the suffering. My mom went through it, my sister doubly so. My acquaintance was obviously at the end of his rope. And Nan was sick before she went into the hospital.
I always remember Dear Abby saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Has there ever been a bigger lie in the history of the world? It isn't handling it. It's just enduring. Blow after blow after blow and you just crawl along on your broken limbs and try to survive even if you don't want to.
If you've never read Nan's writing, you should. She was a science fiction writer and a fan writer and she did the Buffyverse such justice. You can read about her work here at Julia Here's LJ. Nan, I will miss you. The world is a much poorer place.
Last week I found out a guy I gamed with once, and who has gamed with my best friend for decades and was his very good friend, shot himself in despair over money woes. Feeling like he couldn't reach out to anyone for help. A nice guy, a decent guy.
Tonight just as I was finishing up work, I saw that Nan Dibble has died, an unexpected, sudden death that sounds like she suffered beforehand. I hate thinking of that, this lovely woman who was so kind and wry and smart, suffering, ever. She had been through a hell of a few years of badness, and she was so kind to me even at the worst of those times. We were infrequent communicators, but we always picked up threads of conversation as if we'd just been talking a while ago. When I lost my job two years ago, she was right there, introducing herself to me (even though we sort of knew each other through lists and through our fic), and comiserating. She had lost her job as an editor in a small market, was older, terrified of losing her house, fearing for her future, too. I was more worried about her situation; I said, "there but for the grace of Microsoft go I" because I at least had the Evil Empire to fall back on if I couldn't find regular work, since they were still employing temp help. She made me hopeful, encouraged me not to give up. I saw what other fans did to help her so that she could retire officially, and get social security. They helped her hang on long enough, and that was inspirational to me. Nan was inspirational to a lot of people. I am just devastated by her loss, by her suffering.
That is always what destroys me -- the pain and the fear and the suffering. My mom went through it, my sister doubly so. My acquaintance was obviously at the end of his rope. And Nan was sick before she went into the hospital.
I always remember Dear Abby saying that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Has there ever been a bigger lie in the history of the world? It isn't handling it. It's just enduring. Blow after blow after blow and you just crawl along on your broken limbs and try to survive even if you don't want to.
If you've never read Nan's writing, you should. She was a science fiction writer and a fan writer and she did the Buffyverse such justice. You can read about her work here at Julia Here's LJ. Nan, I will miss you. The world is a much poorer place.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-09 04:05 am (UTC)