Brain! Brain! What is brain!?
Feb. 2nd, 2011 10:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynYou know what's really hard? Making a vid and then just sitting on it for a long time, because you're sending it to a con and it's also Festivids time, and you're really really happy with it and want it to be out living in the world. For, um, definitions of hard that are totally selfish and fannish.
I'm about 6,200 words into a Prison Break story and nowhere near finished, but it's so frustrating because I think it's going to be really bad -- yet I still want to keep writing it. The thing is, there's so much to do in regards to my dad, and I don't even have anything workwise on the immediate front, yet I still don't have that much time to write, and I need a lot of uninterrupted time so that I can let my thoughts wander and try to steer it in the right direction.
One of the most frustrating things about coming back and diving full force into this fandom is that much has been taken away. There was a Michael/Mahone community called wallporn, but whoever ran it fucking purged it so all the stuff is now lost. Many of the people who posted stuff haven't posted it anywhere else, so it just seems to be lost. I don't understand people who do this. Let it languish if you don't want it anymore; don't fucking purge it and take everything away as if no one will ever come back to the fandom.
Things with Dad continue to be bad. Every once in a while, he starts to seem like he might make it out of the nursing home, like maybe he could go to the second floor of his apt. building, where they have full-time assisted living situations, but then it backslides and I think that no, it's never going to get better. I know they're going to ask me to clear out his apartment and I'm terrified of this; he's borderline hoarding, such a packrat that I don't know what to do with all that shit. And I'm all alone.
I've been freaking most about his license tabs. His SUV hasn't been driven since October, I guess, and the battery completely died. So I have to find a way to get it jump started and then take it to the emissions test, and I have only a few days to do it before it becomes illegal. Fortunately my mostly useless cousin volunteered to come down and help me tomorrow; cars are one thing he knows so that feels a little less frantic. I can't sleep unless I take something, the instant I wake up to pee or something, I'm wracked with worry and fear. I have never felt so alone and helpless and I wish my sister was here more than anything in the world. Not having someone to share this kind of thing with... this is hard. The fact that I have to do everything on someone else's timeline makes it worse.
Maybe it's a good thing I have Prison Break to watch and play with. Hell, maybe that's why I've fallen so hard for it again. I'm lucky that I have some kind people in my life who listen to me blather about it and even have watched an episode or two with me -- bothbelmanoir and killabeez have been endlessly patient with my squee and even watched it. That's when you know someone is good people.
I'm about 6,200 words into a Prison Break story and nowhere near finished, but it's so frustrating because I think it's going to be really bad -- yet I still want to keep writing it. The thing is, there's so much to do in regards to my dad, and I don't even have anything workwise on the immediate front, yet I still don't have that much time to write, and I need a lot of uninterrupted time so that I can let my thoughts wander and try to steer it in the right direction.
One of the most frustrating things about coming back and diving full force into this fandom is that much has been taken away. There was a Michael/Mahone community called wallporn, but whoever ran it fucking purged it so all the stuff is now lost. Many of the people who posted stuff haven't posted it anywhere else, so it just seems to be lost. I don't understand people who do this. Let it languish if you don't want it anymore; don't fucking purge it and take everything away as if no one will ever come back to the fandom.
Things with Dad continue to be bad. Every once in a while, he starts to seem like he might make it out of the nursing home, like maybe he could go to the second floor of his apt. building, where they have full-time assisted living situations, but then it backslides and I think that no, it's never going to get better. I know they're going to ask me to clear out his apartment and I'm terrified of this; he's borderline hoarding, such a packrat that I don't know what to do with all that shit. And I'm all alone.
I've been freaking most about his license tabs. His SUV hasn't been driven since October, I guess, and the battery completely died. So I have to find a way to get it jump started and then take it to the emissions test, and I have only a few days to do it before it becomes illegal. Fortunately my mostly useless cousin volunteered to come down and help me tomorrow; cars are one thing he knows so that feels a little less frantic. I can't sleep unless I take something, the instant I wake up to pee or something, I'm wracked with worry and fear. I have never felt so alone and helpless and I wish my sister was here more than anything in the world. Not having someone to share this kind of thing with... this is hard. The fact that I have to do everything on someone else's timeline makes it worse.
Maybe it's a good thing I have Prison Break to watch and play with. Hell, maybe that's why I've fallen so hard for it again. I'm lucky that I have some kind people in my life who listen to me blather about it and even have watched an episode or two with me -- both
belmanoir and killabeez have been endlessly patient with my squee and even watched it. That's when you know someone is good people.
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no subject
Date: 2011-02-03 07:23 am (UTC)Like, NEED to not think about. Hospital rooms. Dental waiting rooms. Airports. Lawyer's offices. Courtrooms. All kinds of painful places. It is not trivial to give people things to think about which occupy their minds and take them out of that pain without killing their liver instead. Best medicine on earth, a really good book you really like to stop things squirrelcaging in your head all the time.
Giving somebody a real break from their pain? For that, a good series, a good movie, a great book, a really good piece of fanfic, can be priceless.
I'd wish you more of them to give you better relief if I could!
no subject
Date: 2011-02-03 08:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-03 11:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-03 12:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-03 01:23 pm (UTC)You're not the only one who can't wait for people to see that vid. :D
no subject
Date: 2011-02-04 12:33 am (UTC)I'm so sorry that things are so hard with your Dad. That's just awful. As long as no one's driving your Dad's car, at least in California, it's mostly just a fine on top of the fees to make the car legal again to drive. I don't know if that's helpful or not.
As for wallporn, I've never understood why people pull down everything when they leave fandom. I've only ever pulled stuff down once, and that was because someone archived it without my permission, and all of that is back up again.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-04 03:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-04 05:35 am (UTC)