All we're looking for is love and a little light

[gwyn]

Tomorrow I have to start the first steps for getting ready for surgery--they make you drink this Ensure-type drink called ImmunoBoost or something, three cartons a day for five days before the procedure. I guess it's supposed to help your body recover faster or something. Then by end of weekend I have to start a small diet change, and then take antibiotics, before I have to do the insane ritual special soap shower, which I bought today, and take the vile liquid they make you drink to clean out your colon (it's like drinking gatorade-flavored cooking oil). I'm confused about why you take antibiotics when you're just going to shit them out, but whatever. I also have to get a very specific carbohydrate drink for the day of the procedure. Just the laundering everything/special shower stuff is going to drive me crazy alone. (Also, I can't find any of the Popsicle flavors I want/am allowed to have, anywhere, and you can't eat these modern fancy pops because they're not clear liquids, they have pieces of stuff in them.)

I'm feeling really depressed, and as I was telling minim calibre last night, I'm having this constant erratic beating or pounding of my heart, and it's freaking me out because sometimes I'm so stressed I feel like I'm having a heart attack, and I worry this could be very bad for the anesthesia. Some of this is worry about my situation, but it's compounded by trying to help people I know who are in bad straits. I feel really alone, and a lot of the people who were there at the beginning are noticeably absent now, I guess it's no longer glamorous two months on--not to mention many of the people who do want to see me or talk to me aren't doing it because I want to, but because it's about making themselves feel good, like if I die they'll have done their duty of being a pal or something and mostly I just would be fine with them going away.

The times when I'm loneliest and most scared are late at night, and there's no one to talk to at that hour. The past few days, my lower abdomen has felt kind of bad, and it's making me worry that maybe the tumor has gotten bigger, that all this waiting's made the situation a lot worse. That's not helping.

Plus I get either the victim blaming or concern trolling (my diet, my weight, my lifestyle, my whatever) or the helpful information version of victim blaming: it's dairy (because it's not like people across many cultures have eaten other types of dairy like sheep or goat or horse milk for centuries, or even cow dairy, and didn't get cancer), it's carbs (ignoring the fact that carbs are actually an important part of diet and for some of us high protein/fat is actually dangerous, and there's a reason they make you drink carbohydrate drinks before and after surgery, and also, millions of people eat carbs without getting cancer), it's refined sugar (which, I admit, I use too much of probably, but since sweet is one of the few things I enjoy taste-wise, and millions of people eat way, way more sugar than I do and don't get cancer, I'm not buying it), it's gluten (which many people enjoy without getting cancer, and if you don't actually have physical conditions or problems with gluten, it's not going to give you colon cancer anyway), it's blah blah whatever thing you are currently believing all the bad press about.

Everyone seems to think I have some kind of team behind me, despite telling them repeatedly that I don't--no oncologist, no therapist, no nothing. I learned really fast that people don't listen to most of what I say, because I have to keep repeating myself. I'm kind of dreading going to the hospital because my ex wants to take me and it makes sense--he lives basically about ten blocks away, but he drives me bug-shagging crazy because he never listens and I have to tell him the same damn shit over and over, and he gets really fluttery and panicky. He texted me last night with "where do I drop you [at the hospital]? Address??" and I was like, okay, I've told you three times that it's Swedish on Broadway and James and you could look up the damn address yourself, and also, just because I said you didn't have to stay does not mean I want to be dumped on the fucking doorstep. If you don't have time or want to come in to the hospital with me till they walk me through reg, then let me know because I want to find someone else." I well remember his selfish, childish hatred of hospitals when I needed him, when we were together and my mom was sick. It was one of many things that led to us splitting.

Anyways. Tomorrow is also the day my fic and the accompanying podfic for the pod_together goes live. I started this thing before the diagnosis, and to say it's been a wild ride is putting it mildly. I absolutely did not want to write the story I ended up writing, but it seemed like my original teammate didn't like the idea I loved, so somehow I ended up writing 6k of metal hand fisting, I don't even know. I never wanted to write a sequel to Man With a Plan, but here we are. The good news is that, because it was such a rollercoaster experience, and lifestuff happened with me and my teammate, reena_jenkins, who has created some wonderful podfics of my stuff before, came in as a pinch hitter a couple weeks ago and she did an amazing job. She suggested we turn Bucky's sexy playlist into a fanmix, so that'll go live with the story--she had some great song ideas to fill in the gaps of my '90s and early aughts knowledge, and it turned out pretty cool, I think.

She also, as a runup to our challenge pieces going live, recorded a podfic of Man With a Plan, the "you're keeping the outfit, right?" porn I wrote a few years ago. Which is so above and beyond the call of duty. If you ever wished you could hear a podfic of Man With a Plan, well, you can now, thanks to Reena's amazing powers!

Comments

[batwrangler]

Listening and wishing you well.

[catwalksalone]

*providing you all the internet hugs you can handle*

[goss]

I know it's not much, but I'm sending you hugs and good vibes.

[ratcreature]

The surgery prep sounds all horrible. I hope your surgery itself will go well at least, and your recovery not be hampered by a lack of an extensive support network. It would be great if hospitals listened when you told them about your live situation, and then provided the necessary additional support professionally like home services for recovery rather than to expect that everyone has a lot of willing family or friends to fall back on.

And cancer victim blaming is so pernicious. I mean obviously its popularity is mostly because for those of us who don't have cancer (yet) it is comforting to think virtuous behavior of various eating/exercise habits (and in the end it's really purity rituals) will protect us from this random scary thing that can hit anyone and only gets more likely as you get older, but it is such bullshit. You might as well wear an amulet against the evil eye, only we don't believe in that anymore and so have to dress up our protective ritual differently.

[machinistm]

*hugs you gently* sending you good thoughts

[kerithwyn]

Wishing I was there to help, which I know is not actually helpful. Hoping all goes well and thinking good thoughts for quick and easy recovery.

[kass]

I wish I weren't so dang far away. I am thinking of you and I send love.

[musesfool]

*hugs*

[ann1962]

Sending all good thoughts and wishes. Many hugs your way too.

[destina]

Sending many hugs.

[grammarwoman]

Fuck cancer and victim blamers. *HUGS*

Can you find juices you like and freeze your own pops? I thought the white grape came out rather tasty.

I wish you good sleep, easy prep, and a minimum of stress. And more *HUGS*.

[gwyn]

Eh, you know, if I have a juice I like I might as well just drink it--I'd have to go get molds, fiddle, and I'm entirely unmotivated to. What I want is old fashioned Popsicles in certain flavors that I don't think they make any more, or if they do no one carries them near me. It's just such a pain in the ass, especially when you're starving and there's nothing you can do but drink stuffand some of the antibiotics sound really scary, and they say to take with food and I'm like…sure, okay.

[grammarwoman]

That really sucks - I'm sorry. If I may ask, what flavors are you missing?

[gwyn]

The banana and root beer ones--they make banana still but it's in another set. Everything else is red or purple.

[grammarwoman]

Banana - yes! I liked that flavor, too.

(Now I can't help but think of the Steve/Bucky fics about the great banana debate; do you suppose banana pops would taste like they remember?)

[kore]

I am listening and sending you love, and the biggest internet hugs I have.

[batdina]

if I were but in the PNW. Many virtual hugs.

[cupcake_goth]

I'm here and listening, and I hope things go with as little stress as possible.

[sineala]

*hug*

[minim_calibre]

Just World Fallacy = so much blamey BS.

(It occurs to me that, depending on when they spring you, if it's not over the holiday weekend, I can probably transport you home, BTW. In the Honda, so it's not like you would have to try to get into the Mini.)

[mackiemesser]

Argh! The health/diet police drive me crazy! Coz it's not like half the "studies" released to the public aren't funded by corporations with an agenda, or skewed by the researchers or anything...

Those prep guidelines sound tedious and stressful, and I would want to break things in your place. I'm sorry people are being such pains while you're coping with this.

[twistedchick]

Hugs on the surgery prep; been there in some ways. The antibiotic will be in your body during the surgery; it takes time for that stuff to leave.

I will hold you in the Light for the whole thing, and your medical people too.

[hugs]

[ranalore]

*virtual hugs* I've been thinking about you a lot, though I haven't been on much to say so. I don't drive, so I couldn't help with transportation, but I wish I lived nearby and could just come over so we could keep each other company. I hope your surgery goes well, and recovery is swift.

[dariaw]

Many hugs. My best wishes that the prep and the procedure all go as smoothly and well as possible.

Would you want a designated oncologist or team? Have they explained why not one? Not to be nosy, I"m sorry - feel free not to answer. I'm just one of those pushy types who always remind friends to advocate for themselves a little more than they think they need to, but I'm sure you know that already and you don't have a lot of energy to spare, so I'm sorry if it's annoying to bring it up.

[gwyn]

They can't stage the cancer till it's out, so there's no real point to an oncologist yet. If it's confined to the colon, then they don't need follow-up treatment that an oncologist would be for. The surgeon is very nice but no one seems particularly concerned about anything else, just getting the surgery done.

[dariaw]

I see. Thanks for the information. I'm sorry to ask when I know you have better things to do than explain. I hope everything goes smoothly with good results and as little discomfort for you as possible. Many good thoughts and hugs your way!

[umadoshi]

Good luck with all the surgery prep. It doesn't sound like there's any way for it not to be dreadful, but I hope it goes smoothly and as painlessly as possible.

[dorinda]

That is a helluva lot of prep ritual. What a zoo. I'm sure it is all necessary and good for the procedure, but it does load on the complications (and cost). Sorry to hear about the popsicles (or as the birdrights twitter calls them, popsackles). Why do the good ones always get discontinued?

I am willing to bet the anesthesiologists understand how to adjust for physiological panic and stress--surgery is a panic and stress inducing thing for the patients, after all. You're having so much thrown at you! *hug*

Good luck with the various drinks and meds and soaps. You're sure as hell doing your part.

[wickedwords]

Hugs and love, hon. This is scary and it sucks and it is damned stressful, and I utterly sympathize with what's going on. I will be thinking of you.

[spasticat]

I'm sending you all the hugs and...know that you can call me just to talk things out. Though my life is crazy right now I'm good at listening, at least I think so/hope so. So...just give a call, I'm home most days. I'll email you my cellphone number in a few minutes.

And I look forward to reading your new fic! I will also be better at giving feedback once I'm done.

Also, though my broken arm surgery wasn't as nerve-wracking as yours I was very far from home and friends. But I knew that a lot of people were rooting for me and that lifted my spirits a lot. So know that we're all rooting for you!

[silk_knickers]

I hope everything goes well with the surgery. Best wishes.