panic room
Oct. 2nd, 2018 07:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynI've been busy adulting all over the place lately. After avoiding it for months, I finally called the insurance company to find out about getting the follow-up colonoscopy that's woefully overdue. It was just so awful last time, and my insurance is much worse than last year, so I was resigned to having to figure out how to pay for it. But they said that they have started paying for them as long as they're coded as being preventive, rather than diagnostic. Apparently that's a change from the last time I had this company for health care. (Of course, me being me, I'm completely convinced that there'll be a screwup and they'll code it wrong.)
So with that checked off, I called the office of the doctor--I can't say I was super fond of him (I still feel like you shouldn't smile when you tell someone they might have cancer) but of course I thought about it too late that I could have called one of the other doctors in the same office. Oh well. My big concern was actually if there was a possibility of another type of vile liquid to drink for the prep. I vomited so severely from the stuff before surgery that I think it made things worse, because it was like having done 1,500 situps beforehand. I never finished the jug. The surgeon said that it wasn't as big a deal for the surgery to finish as it is for the colonoscopy, so that filled me with dread.
They said that since I'd done pretty well in the first procedure last year, I could try this other stuff--it's two smallish bottles (about the size of a bottled iced tea or something) that I drink one at night and one in the morning, but I'll have to get up about five a.m. to drink the morning one. But it doesn't sound like it's as thick as cooking oil, which is what my problem was: everyone tells me about making it taste better, but I was like, the taste wasn't the issue, it's just like drinking bad stale Gatorade. It's the consistency that made me ralph, it's so viscous and thick and you're required to guzzle a more than two liter bottle within a few hours. Seriously, they keep trying to convince people that the prep isn't bad and that it's all easy peasy to get more people to do them, but the truth is, until they change this, they'll always have pushback from a lot of people. Some people are immune, but for people like me, it's almost intolerable.
They also require someone to come with you and stay there and drive you home, which just...angers me. This idea that all of us have someone who can do that for us is infuriating--they assume we all have family and it just reminds me that I don't, and that I have to wheedle friends into taking time away from their jobs. Not every clinic is this crazed about it, so I may have to look into something else next time, just because it's really demoralizing.
Anyways, that's what I'm doing the next couple days--it'll be so much fun. A clear liquid diet, no sleep, and living in the bathroom, yay. I just really hope that I come out of the sedation better this time than last, because the nurse was yelling at me for not turning over on my side when she asked me to, and that was not fun, then I got to find out about the cancer.
I've been thinking about that a lot too, lately. I've really struggled this year to do creative things, and some of that is just feeling extra special worthless lately (especially after the shit with my artist on the Cap RBB) but I think a lot of it too is that sometimes I find myself thinking about the cancer a lot. Many people have been "it's no big deal, my [insert person they know here] had it and now they're fine so big whoop." When cancer's been such a huge part of your life, and taken so many people who mattered to you, it's pretty emotional to find yourself going down that road, but there's just not really anyone to talk to about it for me at least.
Anyway. I'm considering signing up for the Stucky AU big bang as a way to force my hand into writing, though...I don't know. Writing feels like it has not just diminishing returns but no returns whatsoever, so it could be a colossal waste of time and energy. I have a couple days left to decide though. And soon it will be Yuletide decision time as well.
So with that checked off, I called the office of the doctor--I can't say I was super fond of him (I still feel like you shouldn't smile when you tell someone they might have cancer) but of course I thought about it too late that I could have called one of the other doctors in the same office. Oh well. My big concern was actually if there was a possibility of another type of vile liquid to drink for the prep. I vomited so severely from the stuff before surgery that I think it made things worse, because it was like having done 1,500 situps beforehand. I never finished the jug. The surgeon said that it wasn't as big a deal for the surgery to finish as it is for the colonoscopy, so that filled me with dread.
They said that since I'd done pretty well in the first procedure last year, I could try this other stuff--it's two smallish bottles (about the size of a bottled iced tea or something) that I drink one at night and one in the morning, but I'll have to get up about five a.m. to drink the morning one. But it doesn't sound like it's as thick as cooking oil, which is what my problem was: everyone tells me about making it taste better, but I was like, the taste wasn't the issue, it's just like drinking bad stale Gatorade. It's the consistency that made me ralph, it's so viscous and thick and you're required to guzzle a more than two liter bottle within a few hours. Seriously, they keep trying to convince people that the prep isn't bad and that it's all easy peasy to get more people to do them, but the truth is, until they change this, they'll always have pushback from a lot of people. Some people are immune, but for people like me, it's almost intolerable.
They also require someone to come with you and stay there and drive you home, which just...angers me. This idea that all of us have someone who can do that for us is infuriating--they assume we all have family and it just reminds me that I don't, and that I have to wheedle friends into taking time away from their jobs. Not every clinic is this crazed about it, so I may have to look into something else next time, just because it's really demoralizing.
Anyways, that's what I'm doing the next couple days--it'll be so much fun. A clear liquid diet, no sleep, and living in the bathroom, yay. I just really hope that I come out of the sedation better this time than last, because the nurse was yelling at me for not turning over on my side when she asked me to, and that was not fun, then I got to find out about the cancer.
I've been thinking about that a lot too, lately. I've really struggled this year to do creative things, and some of that is just feeling extra special worthless lately (especially after the shit with my artist on the Cap RBB) but I think a lot of it too is that sometimes I find myself thinking about the cancer a lot. Many people have been "it's no big deal, my [insert person they know here] had it and now they're fine so big whoop." When cancer's been such a huge part of your life, and taken so many people who mattered to you, it's pretty emotional to find yourself going down that road, but there's just not really anyone to talk to about it for me at least.
Anyway. I'm considering signing up for the Stucky AU big bang as a way to force my hand into writing, though...I don't know. Writing feels like it has not just diminishing returns but no returns whatsoever, so it could be a colossal waste of time and energy. I have a couple days left to decide though. And soon it will be Yuletide decision time as well.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-03 03:54 am (UTC)There are actually multiple methods of colonoscopy prep, not all of which use liquids with weird textures, and I've sometimes wondered about just using the one that I like best regardless of what the specific doctor says. If it works, it works, and it's not like they can find out.
I have the same feeling about "you're not allowed to do it if you don't have someone with you." I understand why they order that, but seriously, what if you literally don't have anyone? It always made me stress out and feel like a burden on others and also like I didn't have any friends.
Re: writing: is the no returns thing a lack of feedback, or you being personally dissatisfied with your writing, or...? If a lack of feedback, Yuletide might be good. Or you could write some treats for Trick or Treat or FemslashEx - they both have open collections right now.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-03 05:00 am (UTC)I have never understood the 'someone to take you home' thing. (One time I said fuckit and told them I did, then walked down the street and caught a bus. I was fine. I wasn't technically by myself either.) I guess it's to keep them from getting sued, like how the hospital makes you leave in a wheelchair even if you can walk.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-05 10:29 pm (UTC)Really? I guess I must be as bad as I thought because that has never happened. I know my fandoms are often small, but...
Unfortunately you can't get away from the escort thing there. I'm not sure what I'll do in three years, but I guess I'll worry about it then.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-05 10:26 pm (UTC)I can't say this prep was great (last year, I was awake through the sedation, out of it but I could hear things, watch the monitor, follow instructions, etc. but this year I was so exhausted because of the split dose method that I fell completely asleep the moment the sedative hit my veins). I hate that escort policy thing--I got kind of annoyed with the desk person, which I shouldn't have, when she asked if it was all right to have my escort in the room when the doctor came to tell me results and I said no. She was obliged to point out that I'd have been sedated so not necessarily able to process things, but I was like, "You know, not all of us have family or partners who can take us here, and insisting we do and that they should be able to hear intimate details in incredibly unfair." Last year I had a very dear friend when I heard about the cancer, but this year it was, you know, my ex, with whom I've stayed friends but I still didn't want that.
Writing is...I'm writing in a juggernaut pairing in an enormous fandom, and you'd think there'd be an audience, but it's like spitting in the wind and I feel like the amount of craft and care I take with my fic (since I'm not writing pro anymore) just getting met with indifference all the time saps my enthusiasm. I feel like I could just make little movies in my head and save myself the trouble. I can't quite decide about Yuletide--the last couple years have been pretty brutal--two years ago my story just got savaged on anonspace, enough so I anonymized it, and last year was weird-bad, and a lot of my efforts lately in auctions or exchanges have been met with such muted responses that I felt strange. I know a lot of it is just low self esteem, the world is a garbage fire, I've had huge emotional upheavals, but when my artist in the Cap Reverse Big Bang never even bothered to read the fic I worked so fucking hard on, that sent me into a spiral and I haven't climbed out of it yet.
But there's some fun possibilities for Yuletide, so I'll look and see. Or maybe try fandom stocking, which I've never done and not sure I get how it works, but might be worth a try.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-06 05:25 am (UTC)I'm sorry about your fic response too. Re: Cap Big Bang: speaking of assholes! I know some people love fandom stocking; I didn't have the best experience with it, but that may have had to do with some me issues. If you don't have issues with deadlines, I would sign up for Yuletide (if you do, maybe just treat); re: anon spaces: once again... ASSHOLES.
Treat me, I always comment on my gifts.no subject
Date: 2018-10-03 04:26 am (UTC)Gentle hugs.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-05 10:48 pm (UTC)After you drink it between 5 and 9 pm, if you're doing the split dose, you drink five cups of water over five hours, though they want you to drink more, and they give you a measured cup so you know you're getting enough. Then in the morning five hours before you leave, you drink the second bottle, and three cups of liquid, and stop drinking any liquds within two or three hours (the information I got was conflicting--the office's instructions said three, Clenpiq's said two). My office's instructions allowed for a breakfast day before (the day you begin the liquid diet) of smooth yogurt/dairy and eggs, which was nice so I could have cream in my tea, but only if you're doing split dose. I was incredibly dehydrated because of not having liquids before we left (for the obvious reason of losing most of my body weight in shit), so my usual difficulty with getting an open vein was made three times harder and wow am I a mess of bruises today. I was in a lot of pain from the IV attempts.
It's...the whole thing is painful because of certain health factors I won't go into, so I didn't feel super great but with a lot of sleep yesterday I'm doing better. If they won't let me do the over the counter laxative in gatorade thing that some people get to do, this would be the next best thing, and for you I imagine they'd recommend the second dose late at night, though maybe not. It's drinkable--not great, but drinkable, and for smaller women, I think it's a better option because all of this stuff was clearly done with larger men in mind, and it doesn't take into account women's health situations, and certainly not women with disabilities.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-03 04:57 am (UTC)Wow, a lot of places where I've done the under-sedation thing are okay with you taking a cab home. Is this place really uptight about it?
I love your writing and would really miss it if you quit, but if you're not enjoying it, that's no fun. Usually I just enjoy writing for myself, but I know how you feel about writing something and not getting a whole lot back, though.
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Date: 2018-10-05 10:51 pm (UTC)Of course, in three years, the ACA will be gone and I'll be on skid row anyway, so I suppose it won't matter.
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Date: 2018-10-03 08:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-03 02:51 pm (UTC)It is absolutely ridiculous that an insurance code can make or break a bill. FFS. Good luck on getting through this financially, physically, and emotionally.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-05 10:52 pm (UTC)I hope you are doing okay. Part of the reason I finally got off my fat ass and called about it was because of your brother.
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Date: 2018-10-09 03:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-03 06:31 pm (UTC)And those comments saying cancer wasn't a big deal sound horrible. Why would anyone even say that about somebody else's illness, especially a serious one like cancer? That's about as "encouraging" as the obnoxious people telling others that they ought to have a more positive attitude wrt their illness to get healthy through visualization or something without having been invited to do so.
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Date: 2018-10-05 10:55 pm (UTC)And I mostly just want to take a flame thrower to their faces.
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Date: 2018-10-03 06:59 pm (UTC)Ugh to another colonoscopy. For me the procedure wasn't too bad, but the prep was not fun. Over here in NY they no longer make you drink a thick vile liquid. They basically tell you to get Miralax at the store (and the pharmacist I talked to suggested the store brand because it was basically the exact same thing just much cheaper). You can mix it with any "clear" liquid you like, including Gatorade or any juice (apple, even things like strawberry if they're "clear" -- I'm using quotes here because the liquid doesn't have to be transparent, just very light). So if you have a favorite you could probably use that. I learned the hard way though that if you don't have a favorite to use, do a taste test before you have to drink a couple quarts of the stuff. I was so sick of the sicky sweetness by the end I was ready to throw up (and ended up not finishing the stuff o_O).
I wonder if they insist on having someone to drive you home because they like to move you through like an assembly line and if you have to stay longer to get more of the drugs out of your system you're taking up a bed they could use for the next person. I hate that.
I'm really bummed about your CRBB artist. I know we commiserated before, but dang, that really sucks when they ignore the fic written to their art. Eh, fuck 'em.
If you're looking to do something a bit different, someone on Tumblr is doing a Marvel version of 'Fandom Trumps Hate':
no subject
Date: 2018-10-06 05:06 am (UTC)I get the liability issue, I do, but they really need to make the effort to understand and set up procedures for people who don't have anyone. It's absolutely insane to not understand that some of us, especially older people, don't always have someone nearby in our lives who can drive or drive into the city.
I'm not sure I'm up for another auction. At least not for a while yet, just emotionally. Yeah, and I get that "what if no one bids" concern, because where I'm at mentally that's pretty much what I'd expect--as it was last time, with FLPR, I saw quite a few writers getting bidding wars for their services, and there were only two on me. That's not necessarily a thing I need any more confirmation about.
I have a couple days to make up my mind about the Stucky AU. I have a bad feeling no one will want to claim my idea for art, but at least it would force me to writer it.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-04 01:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-06 05:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-04 03:22 am (UTC)The fic thing is hard. It seems like it's been a real stressor for you lately, but maybe it's the structure/community you need to get back into the groove of writing?
no subject
Date: 2018-10-07 08:35 am (UTC)