More heart, less attack

[gwyn]

Long time no...post. I still read through my flist every day, but posting just seems to be an endeavor I have trouble mustering the ability for: I think of things to say in my head, but they never make it on to the screen. It's been mostly stress and fear around here, anyway, and no one wants to read more of that, all things considered out in the world.


The past year has been a bunch of stuff piling up on top of each other and then made even worse by my cat's health issues, and none of this is stuff that I can afford, so I'm already stressed about things but the money woes make it more terrifying.

Thanks to the cancer, I have to go in for blood draws every few months, which my shit insurance won't pay for, and then I haven't had a mammogram for two and a half years or a real physical, because I figured the cancer stuff was more important. An $8,000 deductible is pretty hard to meet unless you have something major, and then they only pay 60/40, so it's still pretty awful. The great insurance I had in 2017, when I got diagnosed, withdrew from the market for people using the ACA, which as a self-employed person I have to use. But this year I knew I couldn't get my meds renewed if I didn't find a provider, and my beloved doctor retired in 2018 and they weren't able to find anyone good to take over her practice. When I fell at VVC last year, I ended up going to a nurse practitioner my doc had recommended, but I didn't know they could practice as MDs, so I've been insanely stressed about finding someone new, because my doc was a hard act to follow.

She's okay, and I was super relieved that they don't need to do pelvic exams for three years when you hit my age. I'm sort of tired of getting my nether parts poked around in. But they wanted a full blood workup on top of the cancer one, and it turns out insurance won't pay for most of it, of course. Then I found out I had something suspicious on the mammogram and they wanted me back for an ultrasound and second mammogram (which insurance won't pay for). All that was happening on top of stressing about my fandom and Endgame, and other concerns, and no one would just give me a freaking ballpark estimate of how much these things cost. I got this one person telling me over and over that "we're all in the same boat, with deductibles and blah blah" and I was like, bitch please, you work a regular well-paying job with benefits at your own freaking clinic, you're not making poverty-level wages with an $8,000 deductible." But you can't say that so I ranted to minim calibre.

Anyways, I had to deal with the other stuff, and money woes, so I didn't make an appointment for a while, also I just wanted to get through Endgame so I would know, at least, what was going to happen. It's just a cyst, I guess, and they believe it'll go away, but once you have the cancer, you start to catastrophize everything--I have something on my cheek that I'm pretty sure is skin cancer, now, too, but I just haven't even wanted to deal with it, though I know I have to go in, and no one even is trying to deal with the arthritis--living in a constant state of undending pain is just...it's tough. So I have to go in again in less than a year for mammogram-update, and let me tell you, I hate those damn things. I know there are people who say they're fine, but I end up with bruises all over my chest, I despise them. At least the ultrasound was just uncomfortable, not super painful.

People keep urging me to do a crowdfunding thing to help pay for all this stuff, but I just...I haven't been able to do that. I keep thinking of the way people jumped on that "asking fan networks to help you out is as sleazy as MLM scams" stuff and how many people hate you for asking, and so I can't quite go there. Throw the bills for Blues's emergency vet care last fall and his own health problems (he needs a dental and extractions so badly, but I just haven't been able to do it), and my house problems I'm still freaking paying for, and I go into a panic spiral.

When I went for drinks after Endgame with minim calibre, I told her I had just decided that I'd go so deep into dept I'd never be able to pull myself out, because honestly, I'm almost there, after the house crap and cat health and my own health, and then I'd just be like paying X hundred dollars a month for permanent large scale loans. I do need to buy a newer car, but at this point that's not going to happen.

Because--there's also dental shit. I haven't been to the dentist in three years, because my teeth are usually pretty good and I haven't been able to afford it (no insurance at all). I knew there were a few issues, but my jaw popped out pretty badly a couple months ago and I couldn't get it back in. Chewing has been a bitch, it hurts all the time, but there was this INSANE weirdness with my dentist a while back where he just up and left the practice with no warning and a whole bunch of other crap, so I decided to try a new one based on a friend rec. They wanted like 18 x-rays (I almost yelled "Eighteen!?" and I cannot do x-rays. I have an incredibly small mouth (they pulled a lot of my teeth when I was young, because of crowding, so I'm down 5 teeth from what most people have), these weird bones in my lower jaw that I guess not everyone has, and a hideous gag reflex. It took over two hours to do them, they had to call in multiple staff, they redid at least ten of them twice...it was just a nightmare, especially since I couldn't open my mouth all the way because of the jaw thing.

So now they want to do all this stuff that's going to cost a couple thousand, and I mean, I knew there'd be stuff, but not that much stuff. They want to give me a real bite guard for sleeping, and while part of me is thinking maybe I should try someone else, I don't want to go through the goddamn x-rays again. And it's not like you know whether this is overkill or just what you need, dentistry has always seemed like a racket to me because so much of it isn't something a regular person can dispute. I'm honestly not sure, beyond the fixing of the obvious issues in a couple weeks, what to do because all I can focus on is the $$.

I feel like my dad would be so disappointed in me, and that weighs on me a lot. But I always figured I'd be gone long before I hit this age so there'd be nothing to worry about, especially after sis_r died. Identical twins often end up with the same health issues, but really, the biggest obstacle is living in a trashfire country with no decent options for health care if you're not traditionally employed with great benefits.


I don't think any of this anxiety was helped by Avengers: Endgame. It's the end of new content in my fandom, one I've been more passionate about than probably anything I've felt since the beginning. I loved a lot of it, even while knowing it was engineered for us to feel that way and those were beats calculated to make us feel so good that we wouldn't mind the bullshit. But the things I hated I hated so much they overshadow everything else, and my subsquent viewings have emphasized that.

I mean, I missed a lot of dialog because I was shouting with glee at so many moments, but...afterward, I definitely was like, yeah, I mean, I know I got suckered. But I didn't care! Then the stuff I hated just seemed to grow and grow, especially when I was reading reaction posts. I've tried to limit my engagement with fandom about it, because otherwise I get massively depressed and angry, but none of it's been helped by the shaming and bullying I see from people who unequivocally loved it or believe fandom fixes everything. Especially some BNFs who have been really insulting about people who can't see all the wondrous possibilities.

I fully intend to see it some more, because it's a few more minutes of Steve, and now I have to live in a world where Chris Evans isn't Steve Rogers, and that was something I never wanted. Who knows what'll happen with Natasha, if that Black Widow movie was even real (and I just...really don't care about a prequel, I kinda hate prequels), and Thor's whole story...the less said, the better. And I will take those tiny little crumbs of Bucky's ten seconds of screen time, while ranting about how everyone in that fucking movie got a reunion EXCEPT Steve and Bucky because NO HOMO. Because he looked hot as fuck even though he's onscreen so little I've seen people say they didn't even realize he was there till he said goodbye to Steve (someone on my flist said their husband commented that "they really didn't want Bucky in that movie" and I have to say, yeah). Also Sam's facial hair in these two movies is awful I hate it.

Anyways. I do try to limit my ranting, and my engagement, but it's really hard because this is my fandom. And it hurts a lot, that this is the ending. Fanfic doesn't fix things for me--95 percent of fanfic is unreadable for me, because of what I do for a living, I can't stand to read crappily written stuff that's just more crappily written stuff like I've spent all day on. It's a busman's holiday: I read badly written stuff all day, but at least that is stuff I can fix; fanfic I can't fix, and it doesn't change canon. I'm a canon girl. Depression doesn't inspire me to create something out of canon; sure, it's easy to write spitefic, but...this is just depression to me.

Most (or least?) important, I DON'T UNDERSTAND A WORD OF TIME TRAVEL. I have never understood it, even though I usually love it. And the fact that this is even worse time travel hooey than normal makes my head ache. Usually, I don't care enough that the headache will stop me from enjoying, but the fucking writers and directors didn't even agree or know what they were talking about, and it just...arg.

I've seen some people I trust not to make me grind my teeth over bad "writing" skills, who I know are good, writing some fix-its, but I am too raw to read them at this point. Maybe later. And a steady diet of fix-its is one of my least fave things, I mean, I love a good fix-it, but when that's all you get because the canon sucks, it's tough out there for a canon girl. I did love a lot, but...with my real life misery and this piled on top, when it could have been my happy escapism, it's just been...unsatisfactory.

Whew! That's a lot and I don't blame anyone for not wanting to read any of this. I'll spare you the sometimes awful and hilarious story about my Cap RBB fic writing adventures. Maybe when it's done I'll tell it. I should probably stop comments, but I guess I'll leave them on just because I'm tired and lazy.

Comments

[kass]

I am so sorry about the health woes and the money woes and the fandom stuff on top of it all. I have no wisdom to offer, but I'm here and I'm reading and I'm thinking of you.

[dine]

it's always good to see you post, but I'm sorry to hear the health & financial woes continue. can't do anything to fix stuff, but I'm thinking of you

[batwrangler]

Here and reading and wishing I could make things better.

[sperrywink]

Awww, I thought of you after I saw the movie because I know you are canon!girl. I'm glad you got at least some fleeting enjoyment out of the movie, even if it didn't stick over time. AT least the movie going experience wasn't a super disappointment. It sucks if it leaves you dispirited from the get-go. I think you can work with canon, but it's easier for me because I am AU all the time, every time, and as a bonus, I love time travel.

If you want to talk about you cat's vet bills, hit me up on email. sperrywink@gmail.com.

Forgot to say! If you've been reading my journal, you know I impulse bought tickets to get a photo op with Jeremy Renner at Seattle Comic Con, if you have the time to get together. ♥

[grammarwoman]

*HUGS* That absolutely sucks that your body is freaking out in so many expensive ways with crappy insurance.

Also, I feel you on Endgame. I cried harder after the second viewing because it is the end of canon for the group I loved and gritted my teeth through the bullshit parts, only for them to sandbag Steve/Bucky in such an egregious manner and contradict themselves all over the place with timey-wimey shenanigans. I'm sorry that fic isn't a happy place for you, either, because that's the smallest glimmer I have going for me.

*HUGS*

[gwyn]

Sandbag is a good word for it. And they just keep piling it on, with the directors and writers saying all this bullshit stuff that makes me want to punch someone. Well, them specifically.

[ratcreature]

WRT the medical costs, that they can't even quickly tell you how much you have to pay for something is such bullshit. Here there are some things that standard insurance doesn't cover, but then they give you the price in advance, on a piece of paper you have to sign, to agree to payment. That should not be difficult.

Maybe you could take the existing x-ray set to another dentist just to get a second opinion? That would lessen the radiation burden too. Dentists seem quite keen to do extensive (and thus expensive) things, and to tell that a whole bunch of stuff a previous dentist did is crap and they have to start over to "really fix things" etc., especially if you pay for stuff privately, because then they don't face the insurance pre-approval check to limit their creative improvement ideas. IMO before any expensive dental intervention getting a different dentist or oral surgeon look at the situation is a good idea. I've taken x-rays from my dentist to an oral surgeon when I didn't agree with my dentist that an infected tooth had to be pulled (and the oral surgeon managed to avoid pulling it).

Re Endgame reactions, I also found some of the takes, that fanfic makes canon not matter because you can just mine canon any which way, kind of grating. It's just not the same as having the canon do thing right and satisfy in the first place.

[gwyn]

Dental work's always seemed like such a racket--especially here. There are no checks and balances, and you can't really question things. I can't imagine they'd be keen to let the x-rays go to someone else--they generally won't even call your previous dentist to get your history, you just end up starting fresh. It's greed, pure and simple.

[ratcreature]

Here you kind of have to be on the ball yourself to get your data transferred from doctor to doctor, but they can't keep your records from you when you ask. Like, you have a right to your medical data.

I mean, sometimes you become unpopular if there's additional administrative work you cause -- I had a hospital roommate once who told me that as a matter of course she demanded the whole OP protocols etc. upon release instead of just the usual summary letter they give you here to bring to your local doctor for aftercare instructions, and I could see that this wasn't the most popular. But she had previous experiences with complications and disassembling doctors, so by then she was very insistent to get copies of every documentation. And they had to give her copies of everything.

Dentistry is especially bad here as well with the gouging. Iirc my insurance even though it actually only offers partially dental coverage as standard (and they try to upsell you to get various extra dental coverage that is quite expensive) offer a service where you can submit the plan your dentist made with you with their experts for an evaluation of how much is really necessary, and where the dentist is trying to trick you through fudging around with fancier materials and such. At least I remember getting a brochure by them. I think they do this because a lot of people are angry that they cover so little, and they want to improve their reputation and make the point that it's the dentists doing a lot of extra stuff, and that from the strictly necessary things they actually cover more.

[killabeez]

So many things that I would love to hear more about/talk more about/help you with in this post, but this stuck out:

Also Sam's facial hair in these two movies is awful I hate it.

OMG YES THANK YOU I FUCKING HATE IT. D:

[minim_calibre]

My spouse also complained about it! It's UNGOOD.

[gwyn]

I'm glad to know that someone else hated it too! It looks like mutton-chops! It's so awful and he's one of the handsomest people on the planet!

[killabeez]

I feel like his face is somehow not good enough (HELLO HAVE YOU SEEN HIS FACE) and they're trying to somehow reshape/redefine it. No. His face is amazing. PLEASE STOP.

[saraht]

Asking for help when emergencies put you into financial difficulties is not at all in the same class as trying to make a living off of fandom. Some people are, in my opinion, still awfully cavalier about resorting to it, but mutual aid is not late capitalism.

[destina]

*just hugs you for a while*

[mackiemesser]

Ugh, you have every single one of my sympathies +1 about the health issues and terrifying bills. I just cancelled a follow up appointment and a test because I got a claim statement from my insurance with the wondrously ambiguous "you may owe" amount and I was not about to add to a potential unexpected massive cost.

And I work for local government, with theoretically great insurance, so I can't believe that you aren't just constantly screaming in stress-fury over this bullshit.

I have...strong feelings about some stuff in Endgame that I have not seen discussed elsewhere, but I haven't been motivated enough to write any of it down.

Time travel, man. Fun concept but ultimately more of a headache than it's worth. I think I would have enjoyed it more if they had just basically had the characters say "We don't know if this will actually work and what it might change, but it's the only solution we see so we're going to cross our fingers and go for it!" and not worry about trying to explain it. Tho the fact that Hot Tub Time Machine exists in the MCU is hilarious. :D

[gwyn]

The fact that someone would cancel a test because they might owe some money, even with insurance, is proof of what an insane garbage fire of a country we live in. Insurers and providers are fucking criminals--when you see the pay CEOs get and then people dying because they can't afford necessary procedures, it's just...it makes me so angry I could legit shoot someone.

[mackiemesser]

It truly is. Part of the reason I took this job in the first place was that the benefits were supposedly really good. But to find out that I could potentially be 4 figures in the hole the first time I use the damn insurance is really discouraging.

So that's fun.

This country's entire economic and governing structure needs to be torn down and rebuilt with very specific laws and regulations.

[kore]

//offers HUGS

FWIW I really don't think people see asking for help with medical bills/tests as anything like an MLM scam, or even in the same ballpark as tip jars for fanfic or whatever. The health care system is totally broken, everyone but the well-off are screwed in various ways, and people who are chronically ill are often in real danger. I mean there's a reason GoFundMe set up an official FAQ page for how to use their site to get help with medical stuff. I bet people would be willing to help you with kitty dental bills too. But it does feel really stressful and shaming just to ask, I know.

the shaming and bullying I see from people who unequivocally loved it or believe fandom fixes everything. Especially some BNFs who have been really insulting about people who can't see all the wondrous possibilities.

YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN. As a fan I'm feeling really angry and screwed by various properties and Endgame has been at the top of the heap.

I do like time travel when it's done well but that is hard as hell to do and the Russos were just super lazy about it, and they and the writers are contradicting each other in interviews! and fandom is just trying itself into knots trying to make their lazy shit "work." (And I thought the endless conversations about the botched conflict in Civil War were bad.) I hate that it's drowning out nearly every other single issue about the movie, including all the real problems (fridging Nat, no-homoing Steve and Bucky, mocking Thor, sidelining Carol....it goes on and on). The sad thing is, if they hadn't killed Nat (or had at least mentioned her) and if Steve and Bucky had gotten a battlefield reunion I probably wouldn't be so upset. But they wouldn't give us even those crumbs.

[gwyn]

I don't know. So many people (even friends!) dogpiled in the comments section about how much they hate seeing things go by on their feeds or flists or whatever of people asking for help. And they were so unbelievably snotty about it too, so it left me feeling like that would be the worst thing I could do.

Fandom's just imploding around us, GoT and Endgame and Magicians and probably some things I don't even know about--I heard there's some issue with Homestuck, and I don't even know what the fuck Homestuck even is.

Yeah, a funeral or service of some kind and at least some kind of acknowledgement Bucky was back would have gone a long way. I think one of the most hilarious ways they lampshaded Steve's inability to move on from Peggy (I mean, the whole thing was just pathetic) was that they blew up Steve's picture from a 5x7 to an 8x10 and had it on her desk in 1970, but no pictures of her children, which she'd have to have had by then because she'd be almost 50. Like, OMG it's not enough for him to say out of the blue in a very un-Steve-like fashion that she was the love of his life, but they increased the size of the picture she kept on her desk almost 40 years after the fact and in place of her kids.

[catwalksalone]

Just. All of the hugs. All of them. If the state of healthcare in America makes me feel angry and helpless, I can only imagine the sheer awfulness of living with it day to day.

Don't throw the idea of a gofundme out completely. I totally get your reasons, but friends want to support friends when they can, and having somewhere centralised to do it makes it easy for everyone. Just keep it in mind, yes?

[gwyn]

Thank you--yeah, I might still do it. I don't know. I have a milestone birthday this year and had been thinking of doing a girls weekend trip to like Vegas or something, but I don't think I can swing that, so it might end up being my friend and me because he has offered to pay for everything.

[kerithwyn]

So much for you to be dealing with. I am thinking of you and wishing all good wishes.

(My mouth is also tiny and I demand the pediatric bitewings for x-rays, but you've probably already been down that route.)

[gwyn]

I thought for sure the pediatric stuff would help, especially when I was doing the invisalign braces a few years back, but it didn't at all. That stuff is still huge. I don't understand how they can make all these high tech developments, but they're still doing that shit and forcing us to endure it.

[the_shoshanna]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this horribleness.

[sakana17]

*hugs*

It sucks when life stuff is crushing you and your fandom adds to the burden. Even if Endgame hadn't had so many damn problems, it had a built-in sadness because it's the end of the new canon content for so many beloved characters. But jeez, the damn problems!

*more hugs*

[lilly_the_kid]

I'm sorry about the health stuff! *hugs*

For what it's worth, I didn't get the time travel in Endgame at all and to be honest I stopped trying pretty early on. I don't think it makes any sense and I didn't want to spend any energy on figuring it out, so I just ignored it. I think it was a good choice :)

[kirbyfest]

I am sorry about all the health crap. This is a bad year for health expenses in this house too and it is so unsettling and scary.