Ughs. Not the footwear.

[gwyn]

I haven't been updating at all, and now I owe both a Festivids letter and a Yuletide letter to my giftee givers. I am so behind. Every time I think I'm catching up, I get behind again. It's depressing. The workout thing is really affecting my work situation -- it cuts my day in half in a weird way, but mostly it's just that when I get back, it's hard for me to settle down and concentrate on work, so I often don't start until hours later. After being stalled on progress, though, I have a lost a whole pound, woo hoo, and a few tenths of a percent of body fat. It's not happening fast enough. They keep saying it will, but I just... I don't know.

Now, though, I have a really serious foot problem that I didn't have before, and nothing is helping it get better. I looked up some stuff last night and I think it sounds exactly like a couple things, one is a more serious condition and the other is more of a bunch of symptoms resulting in a condition. Either way, all the cool new shoes I've bought recently will be right out at least for the foreseeable future. But I also bought two new pairs of workout shoes and this is the second time I'm going to have to return them when I head over to the mall in a little bit. Arg! Why so difficult?

I did get a personal chef, though. There are still some kinks to work out on it, but it's helping me to focus my eating a little better. My big problem is still wanting dessert after dinner and my sweet tooth attacks -- ever since sis_r died, I've had such a sweet tooth for pastries and things like that. Sometimes it's almost uncontrollable.

I went off antidepressants a few months ago and it's still weird and affecting me strangely. Sparkly head and all. The big thing is that EVERYthing makes me want to cry -- I'm like, haven't lost weight? CRY CRY CRY. Foot hurts? SOB UNCONTROLLABLY FOR TWO HOURS. Can't figure out aspect ratio problems trying to make Thor/Avengers vid? WHERE ARE RAZOR BLADES I NEED RAZOR BLADES RIGHT NOW I CAN'T GET BLADES OUT OF SHAVING RAZOR OMG WHY IS SUICIDE SO HARD?

I'm not really kidding. This is how my mind is lately. I'm like socially awkward penguin on steroids. And it's a cycle -- the more I think like that, the more I cry over every fucking thing and every interaction with a human, the more awful I feel and the more I just wish I could wither and die.

Everyone says the exercise is great to make you feel less depressed. Hah. It just makes me more depressed, because I'm still fat, and my back is not all better, and now I have a wretched foot injury.

But anyway. I need to concentrate on Festivids and Yuletide. I've turned down two jobs so I can have some time to myself this season. I don't have anymore family members to die, so that should leave me with plenty of time. Silver linings, eh?

I hope there will be some Happy Endings vids in Festivids this year. I'm just counting hours till it comes back, now that Community is going to be taken from us again and who knows when that will really come back.

OK, letters later for my authors.

Comments

[ratcreature]

I read somewhere recently that they have genetic tests now, whether your body responds well to exercise or not. Apparently for people with certain genes exercise works really fast to improve their fitness, whereas for other people doing exactly the same things the body responds very slowly. So maybe you are just unlucky with your exercise responsiveness despite doing all the right things?

I'm currently trying to improve my mood by nature walks, but I'm more hoping for the positive effects of the outside than the exercise. The one time I tried jogging after my doctor pushed me to it, it didn't help me any with either being fat or the mood. I just felt horribly embarrassed and as if everyone was staring at me when I tried jogging around my neighborhood. There certainly wasn't any drug like "runners high" or anything like that (though maybe you need to do extreme sports to get your body to produce opiate-like stuff). I gave up after a few weeks. At least I don't make a spectacle of myself when I just walk somewhere. Though walking doesn't use many calories, so I don't have real hope it'll help with being fat, and wrt mood improvement so far it seems to work mostly on a distraction level, rather than any substantial changes, but I've not yet stuck with it long.

[nagasvoice]

I've heard very clear posts from some folks who push themselves to exercise a pretty good amount that they're doing it without getting any of that runner's high thing. I don't think it's completely mythical--I do think it's real--but darn it, not everybody gets that. It may be comparatively rare, actually, and those of us disillusioned by learning no, it doesn't do doodlysquat for *us*, can take some comfort in the idea that at least we're strengthening some joint-protecting muscles.
Hope the foot improves. I know, for me, that inserts and whether the shoes let me pronate too much makes a hyuuuuge difference in whether I'm completely crippled at the end of a normal day or not. Just some tiny subtle differences totally can through out my knees, for instance, or keep them together better.

[van]

There is something to be said for exercise, but it affects everybody so differently. And sometimes in shocking, weird ways. A family friend had Parkinson's and it was pretty bad. His mind wasn't bothered, just the body, and he used to strap down his arm (which would jerk him around like mad sometimes) and ride a stationary bike for an hour when the palsy was out of control. That cycling did more for him than his medications. It calmed him down, and for a little while his body would behave like he didn't have Parkinson's (he could paint with his bad arm!), but it wouldn't last, of course. That has stayed with me, how just a little bit of exercise could change so much.

Maybe you don't see the change yet, hon, but I'm sure it's there. {crushy hugs}

WHY

[talking_sock]

Why did you go off the meds? Why, why, why? Those are all symptoms of depression.

I had a med change this spring/summer and it was AWFUL. It definitely affected important professional relationships. I will not be doing that again.

I hope you feel better.

[batwrangler.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[spasticat.livejournal.com]

Big squishy hugs!

Bicycling is what makes me happy and it took a few months before I could feel how much better my body was getting. Less labored breathing, etc. It's easier on my legs (when I was younger I worked a lot of jobs where I was on my feet) and gives me time to stop thinking about bad things and instead focus on the act of biking. Maybe tell your trainer you need to try different types of exercise?

I'm curious, did you cycle off your meds slowly or fast?

Also, my doc wants me to do meditation or yoga as he feels those will be good for me. Have you tried either one and if not maybe try those. Some of the yoga jargon makes me snort but I found a book that's not that bad, doesn't have me eye-rolling.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Hey, once you're settled in and all, let's chit chat and stuff.

I went off the Citalopram slowly -- I know better than to try quickly! I went down to 3/4 of a tablet for about three weeks, then 1/2 for a couple weeks, then 1/4 for a couple more. But I learned last time I did it that I would have a head full of sparks and this time it was the same thing. I can't seem to meditate. I don't get it. But a lot of folks I know swear by it. And I love yoga, I just haven't been able to do it since my back injury. THe first time I did corpse pose at the end of a session, I was glad I was alone, because I actually cried. It was weird. But I guess that's not unusual -- it can bring up a lot of different emotions and chemicals, so that may be why it's helpful for depression.

[sperrywink]

{{hugs}}

Good luck with all the post-med feelings. They sound like a rollercoaster.