somniloquence

Without the Justified rewatch anymore, I don't know what day it is. It helped having a Tuesday thing to do every week, even if sometimes I scrambled because I forgot what day it was. Since I started working freelance from home years ago, I tend to forget the calendar anyway, but without even having weekend get togethers with people and such, there's no distinction between days of the week, and no distinction between the middle of the work and the weekend. On Sundays, the local gang does a zoom meetup, but it's definitely not the same as our monthly bashes and food and talking in person.

I got my hair cut last week, though! I was hesitant to go—I really didn't want to just take for granted that someone was putting themselves in danger just so we could get our hair fixed, and it's not like I go anywhere anyway. But my hair is ridiculously thick, and I got such a terrible cut and color last New Year's, that it was growing out really badly and I just wanted the bulk taken out so bad. I did have a good conversation with the hairdresser, though, and I always try to tip people really generously who are doing services in this terrible timeline.

My hair looked SO GOOD for a few days (I am hair impaired) and it felt like five pounds had been lifted off my head. At one point, he asked me hesitatntly, "Did the cut look like...a mullet?" and I was like, OMG yes! And later he pointed out that it was lopsided too, which I was so relieved because I kept thinking it was my imagination. It was also just so good to see people and talk to familiar people and all the precautions were worth it, to just get out of the house and see people and talk to someone.

I also went to Nordstrom Rack and picked up the jeans I'd left for alterations back in mid-March. I had been worried they might not be there, but they said they were done and we could enter the store, so I put on my stuff and got my santizer and everything, but they weren't ready. So I had to go back down again, and finally picked them up, so exciting. Now I have a couple pairs of not falling apart jeans but nowhere to really wear them. Har har. They were doing a good job of allowing people in but when you can't try things on, it's hard to want to really shop, though it didn't seem to stop a lot of people.

I've been mostly keeping a low profile and not really talking to people as much as I used to. I try to comment on DW and tumblr sometimes, but right now I'm hating a lot of people and it's safer for me to not read or interact the way I used to. It's mostly centered around this bullshit Karen crap, it's causing me a lot of heartache right now and like I get where people are coming from, but it's cruel. That was sis_r's name—my deceased twin sister—and every time someone sneeringly uses that as shorthand for shitty white women it's like being stabbed in the heart. It makes me feel like I'm back there watching her die, watching her suffer, and I can't handle it.

I even unfollowed someone I've known nearly since the beginnings of my time in fandom & in RL, because she keeps posting these justifications for the "meme," which is a nice convenient way of diminishing turning a name a lot of people have into an insult. My sister was a good person, who was involved in a lot of volunteer things that did a lot of good for people and for animals, and when we had a small service for her at her house after she died, a surprising number of people flew across the country with just 24 hours' notice to be there--because she was very loved by a lot of people (and not all of them white). She mentored younger women who wanted to get into her work, she risked her life doing animal rescue in the wildfires. Every time someone refers to shitty white women (and I never see anything comparable for men) with her name, it makes me cry. So I just have to remove myself; I don't see this getting better, people have latched on to it because hardy har it's so funny to denigrate shitty people that way. I hate hating everyone, but that's how I'm feeling lately.

I'm trying to take Greg Lake's Christmas song's line to heart this year. I've been really battling the sads this year. The other day was the anniversary of Dad's death, and I am really missing him this year, more than last year because I was still trying to process his death and working on a big book. Now I'm realizing how alone and lonely I feel and I can't call him and wish him either a Merry Christmas or a happy birthday, which comes 2 days after Christmas.

And I was telling someone yesterday how big of a deal Christmas always was in my house. My sister, especially, made it quite the deal, and extravagant gift-giving was her raison d'etre, so we were always competing with each other to see who could lavish the other twin with the best gifts. It's so weird to have an empty tree that a couple years ago I wrapped up empty boxes because I couldn't stand it. Hey, it works for retail, right? And the few friends I do have don't do gifts, so there's not that excitement level I always had with my family about having something to open. It's not the getting so much as the opening.

We had out little whacky white elephant gift game at the local fan bash Saturday and I came away empty-handed. For some reason, that made me feel even worse than I already did -- like, shit, I don't even deserve white elephants. I'm trying to deserve a better holiday by donating and doing things for other people, the one thing that does always make me feel better, but it doesn't seem to be working this year.

The holidays are really not that joyous an occasion for most people. It seems like amost everyone I know just dreads them.

I hope Yuletide will cheer me up -- it will if my recipient is happy, I think. Hope. That always gives me the most glee -- when someone gets a story they feel really fit the bill. I have all my fingers crossed that it does.

One good piece of news, though -- black_bird_777 is going to adopt Buffy! I have been getting increasingly depressed about her chances to find a forever home because so many people act like they're going to do it, but then they don't. She's such a sweetheart, and has so much love to give, that it's hard to see her passed over. She fell totally in love with black_bird and her partner when she stayed with them one day I had to be away the whole day, and I think this will be awesome. I get to see her whenever I want to! I never get to see my foster dogs, so now having my last dog down the street and my current dog at my friend's house -- that will just be truly wonderful.

Speaking of which, I think it's time for her evening walk and to go look at the holiday lights around the neighborhood.

Wow, so my Festivids assignment is very interesting. Not at all what I expected, and I'm a little freaked out because now I'm going "whyyyyyy did I offer that? What was I thinking?" and having panic paralysis. But first I need to finish this 700+ page fishing guidebook and the magazine that came in unexpectedly, and I'm six days behind on the book because the PM left for vacation and forgot to tell me the files were ready, and now I'm sweating bullets, and also, I have to finish my Justified vid first. Which is gonna be work. Hello, drowning not waving.

Yesterday I bit the bullet and got an iPhone. Also signed up with Sprint. I've wanted to get away from AT&T for a while because they support right-wing politicians, but I had a good (old) plan that I knew I could not find a similar price on anywhere since the move to smartphones has changed the cell landscape so much. I really don't need to be tracked down and I don't have family and whatnot, so it seemed really unnecessary. But my cell phone, which I only bought earlier this year, is borked again and doesn't seem to be fixable, so. I didn't get the new one, just the regular 4 model, and apparently I got their last white one (doesn't show messy fingerprints as much).

I feel like I'm not in a financial position to have one of these, but Sprint actually has a bunch of deals you can get, including a AAA discount, so that helped me somewhat. I have a lot of reorganizing to do of my electronic life. I just don't have the time or the energy. But I know I need to find ways to get some of these costs down, even if it includes changing providers and all the attendant hassles with email addys and links to fic and the rest. Why is this so hard? Why can't we just snap our fingers and have it done? I wish this was something I could hire out, because I'd totally pay someone to do all this shit for me!

So, hey, now if you have an iPhone, we could video chat with each other. I'm living in the future!