Been a long time, been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely time

[gwyn]

It's been over a month since I posted anything. I haven't really felt like being around, and most of the time, what I really only feel like doing is commenting. I'm trying to deal with some... stuff. Yeah, you know, that kind of thing -- stuff that gets inside your head, kind of eely and squirmy and you don't really want to deal with it but you have to.



After I got back from Escapade, I kind of went into retreat mode, but at the same time found myself suddenly busier than I have been in a long time, not with work but with social things and getting ready for my class, and trying to market myself as a freelancer, and deal with all kinds of other stuff that's related to work but isn't buying me food. And normally I get sad at being alone so much of the time, always watching my shows and movies by myself, but I haven't really minded, because I've just been very hatey lately, except for a few people who are wonderful and good and remind me that people don't just consistently suck across the board.

I mean, I have just been filled with a kind of anger and hate that would comical if it weren't so poisonous. The kind of thing Noah Baumbach could make a movie about. And for the most part I think the hate is justified, but it kind of grinds down your soul, so even if you're all righteously indignant, it's not the healthiest of things. So I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it, how to acknowledge it all and put it away, and move on, but sometimes that's not easy.

A few weeks ago, I went to talk to one of my co-instructor's classes to give the rundown to her students about the practicum course I start teaching next week (which, btw, OMG 15 students. Arg.), and her TA is a mutual friend, and so after class we all went out for drinks, and it was just so fun. I was incredibly tired and yet we stayed till closing, and I realized I had completely forgotten what it was like to be around people who valued me as a human being and who thought I was fun and interesting and treated me well.

And seriously, WTF? Why should that be such a huge revelation to me? Most people don't have, and no one should have to have, some kind of experience where they realize that sometimes you can be around people and it doesn't involve them treating you like shit and you being the one who has to rise above and ignore it or make excuses for their behavior and rationalize to yourself that that's just how they are. I mean, grownups don't have to act like Mean Girls, and I don't have to accept that all I deserve in life is to be treated badly by people I have thought of as "friends."

But how pathetic is it that this comes as a major epiphany? I spent a long three hours or so being psychoanalyzed by black_bird_777 and X at Escapade, which was funny and horrible, but I remember blackbird saying that she suddenly understood a lot about me when I said that really, my whole life, it's been pretty much just coping with people treating me like crap and never giving me any reason to believe I deserve better -- it was my parents when I was young, girl friends and boy friends as I got older, my partners when I started being involved in relationships, and my adult friends, especially in fandom. Jobs, too -- for the most part, a lot of my bosses have wanted me to be more like them because they believed I'm crap as a person (but my work was always good!). None of this has ever done anything to boost my confidence -- and blackbird was asking me why I would let someone treat me the way others have treated me, and all I could really say in answer was that it was what I expected. I didn't and don't believe I have any right to expect better.

And I wish I could change that -- I'm trying, but... it's a lifetime, 50 years' worth, of ingrained belief and behavior, not something you can just go, hey! I don't deserve to be treated like that! about. It is who I am. I can't just suddenly decide that I'm not a crap excuse for a human and start being all confident and stuff. If brains worked that way, there would be no therapists. A number of years ago, blackbird and I were in a bar talking about this sort of thing, and therapy, and how you fix what's broken, and I said, "I think some people are just too broken to be fixed." I still believe that most of the time, because I haven't really figured out how to fix all these things that are broken in me, or that got more broken after sis_r died.

The other night I went to my first Passover seder and it was charming and fun, and I was talking to a couple people, mrs_laugh_track and belmanoir among them, and I made a comment about trying to focus my attention on people and situations I feel comfortable with and ignore the ones I don't, and how that probably made me passive-aggressive, but whatever. And mrs_laugh_track and bel said something that really stuck with me -- that it wasn't passive aggressive at all to focus on the people and situations you are comfortable in, it's taking care of yourself. Which, you know, yeah. That's what I don't do enough of -- take care of myself, focus in on people and situations that aren't toxic to me.

Most of the time, I'm surrounded by people and situations that are toxic. You can't choose your family, so I have to exclude that poisonous background for the most part, but over and over I have picked people to be in my life who end up doing damage to me, I put myself in situations (including jobs) that grind me down, and at my age, that's pretty dangerous. At lunch with sdwolfpup the other day, we talked about how it can be hard, especially in fandom, to be positive and try to be happy. She's kind of my nice person on LJ role model. I want to be like SDW when I grow up!

When I first discovered email and Usenet, I felt so liberated -- for the first time in my life, I could say and do whatever I wanted and no one could hit me in the face for it or emotionally abuse me. I got into so many online fights and had enough of a reputation that quite a few people told me they were afraid to meet me in person. That shocked me so much, hearing I could have that effect on people, that I embarked on a "kinder, gentler Gwyneth" program, and for the most part, that sort of worked -- so many people I met subsequently as I got into LJ land told me they couldn't imagine me being that way. But it's hard. I still want to get worked up over stuff, but then I try to step back and look at it through someone else's eyes, and that helps. Not always, but a lot of the time.

Fandom as a general rule doesn't encourage good behavior. I've seen so many people I met in the early days getting worse and worse over time, because they are encouraged by how poorly socialized most of us are. The problem is, most people I know are fans, and most of the stuff I love to do revolves around fandom, so the mental anguish I get from this environment won't really go away. I don't know how, exactly, to resolve this. I can't stop being a fan. It's just who I am. But so much of what I see in fandom kind of eggs on toxic behavior: the toadying and sycophantism (possibly the thing I hate most of all) that prevents someone from ever hearing the truth about personality issues they may exhibit; the confrontational approach to differing views and opinions about our interests (think of how many times you've seen a person spit in rage about how someone's not watching the same show, or how another person's view of someone's BSO personally offends them); the belief that we can just say anything we want, no matter how nasty, anytime we want, because as fans we don't follow the regular rules of the rest of the world ("if they don't like it, then they can get the hell out of fandom"), and on and on.

A lot of people equate being mean with being cool, tough, iconoclastic, eccentric, and so on. Which is just sad. And it's something I'm really, really over. I'm so old that I just kind of want to be happy now, but I don't really know how to do that. If I try to focus on other things that don't end up making me feel like shit, I have a lot less fannish interaction in my life. Hell, I have almost no interaction with people at all. But I'm trying to think of ways to fix that -- I'm back to regular attendance at the writing group critique sessions, even if I don't really love what I'm reading there; I'm going to take some jewelry classes later this spring (I have no idea where this sudden interest in jewelry came from, but I think it might be fun); I want to try to force myself to write more, even if it's just my blog about my sister's death, and to that end, I'm attempting to cut down and possibly stop taking the antidepressants that have made me unable to focus on writing and reading; I have the class in spring, and they've scheduled me for another class on proofreading next year, and I'm going to try to create a class that I might take to a community college and see if they are interested... and I want to try to explore other areas of my creativity. I need to garden more, and get involved in that too. This is one reason I'd love a dog -- to go places and meet other dog owners.

I feel really lonely when I think of cutting back on fandom things, because this is such a huge part of my life. But what a lot of recent really bad events have pointed out to me is I let people treat me like crap. No, they shouldn't think they have a right to behave that way, but I've never believed I deserved any better, and can't stop this unless I, you know, stop looking at it all that way. It's how life has always been, and I can't see it not being like this forever. (Example: I lost someone I thought was my BF when she actually said to me that I wasn't worth the 15-minute drive to visit; I had to come to her if I wanted to hang out. So, ended that "friendship", but that was a rare time I took action myself.) But I guess I want to try. See what it's like to not be insulted, or lied to, or laughed at, on a constant basis. To not be talked over or shouted down or excoriated for having my own point of view if it's different from someone else's. To not be having a casual, fun conversation with someone, like I was the other day, and have them suddenly laughingly insult me about some character flaw of mine as if I should just expect that in the middle of a pleasant dialog.

I'm so far from being perfect, and I know I have tons of flaws and issues and all that. We all do, and god knows, people love to tell me about mine. But I frequently have had people in my life who are more than happy to dump on me about my flaws, and never ever look at their own or examine how they can do something better. They seem to be satisfied with being miserable and mean, and I've gone along with it. So I want to be the person who tries to figure out ways I can change, what I should change and what I don't necessarily have to because it's someone else's problem, not mine, and then learn to be a different person in the world. I've done a little of it before, but I've still got a long way to go. I doubt I'll ever have anything approaching self-esteem, but I have to teach myself that I don't necessarily deserve to be treated like shit all the time, either. It's just hard to see this all right now. I wish more than anything sis_r was here, to commiserate with, to give me a shoulder to cry on, but I have to figure out how to do that on my own, as well.

Yet what I really want to talk about is Justified!



I feel like someone made this show just for me. They said, "what would Gwyneth like?" and they made a list:

• COMPETENCE KINK to the 10th power
  
• Elmore Leonard story-based, with Elmore Leonardy dialog and characters even in new storylines
  
• Sexy tall drink of water Timothy Olyphant playing a lawman again and wearing a hat, with a gun on his slinky hip
  
• Wonderful supporting cast, including a guy who was a military sniper as the one most likely to be slashed with Timothy
  
• A modern update of a very Western-style story
  
• Lots of local color in the local characters with hilarious, unexpected behavior
  
• Guns, guns, more guns, and did I mention guns?
  
• Laconic, easygoing hero who has all kinds of issues roiling under the skin
  
• Adults, behaving like actual adults behave, in all their stupid, funny, smart, miserable, hilarious glory

God, it's just SO GOOD. I think... well, I think I may like it even more than White Collar. See, WC is a show about wonderful characters I adore, but the plots are beyond stupid. Not as stupid as Leverage's or Castle's, but pretty close. But Justified isn't stupid and you don't have to handwave the plots. It has far more complex single-story episodes, within an arc about Raylan learning to accept being home again, and because he is a grown-up and smart enough to know what his issues are and how he wants to deal with them, we don't have to waste a bunch time waiting for him to grow up. He's a brilliant character, with so much depth, and he's simply perfect for Timothy Olyphant.

I can't imagine an actor more suited to this role -- his soft brown eyes that alternately squint in smirky consideration or soften in friendly openness, the way he kind of talks through a clenched jaw when he's showing strength, how he never moves his arms when he walks and slinks those hips around, which is so odd and so uniquely endearing at the same time. I love that his hair is showing a bit of grey, as is his stubble, and he has a kind of calm wisdom that one only gets from age. It's hard to believe that Timothy Olyphant the person isn't exactly like Raylan Givens the person, just as it was when he played Seth Bullock on Deadwood. He's simply that perfect for it. And did I mention how unbelievably hot he is? I went on a Timothy spree on my Netflix queue for the things I don't already have with him in them, and in all of his performances, psycho or good guy, there's this ineffable Timothyness about all of them. I wish I could define it, but I'm unable. Guh.

I love that Raylan takes everything in around him, without necessarily passing judgment on it. He has such a sarcastic wit and charm, yet he's never glib or smug, even when he's dealing with complete cretins. At first I wasn't sure about Ava, but I'm growing to like her more and more, and I like her practical approach to fooling around with him -- she doesn't have a lot of illusions about her future and his, but she's willing to accept what's there right now. And it will be interesting to watch his relationship with Winona unfold -- I loved his line to her when she said that he got jumped by an "old convict" and he asked, "Does 55 still seem old to you?" He knows how to push her buttons, but she knows what he's really on about, and she isn't going to put up with his shit for too long. And his boss! Ah, I love a good fatherly boss who has a sense of humor and isn't taken in my anyone's bullshit.

Tuesday nights have suddenly become my favorite night, I'll tell you what. If it keeps going this way, I may have a heart attack from too much show happiness.

Comments

[umbo]

I'm glad to hear from you, glad you're doing things to take care of yourself, and glad you're enjoying Tuesday nights, even if it's for a different reason than mine ;-) I don't have a Justified icon, but I'll use a Walton Goggins one in your honor.

*hugs*

[gwyn]

Hey, believe me, I'm enjoying Tuesday nights for the same reason you are -- and I can't freakin' believe tonight's the last episode. Do we know anything about its future? I'm so afraid they won't make more. Even with the insanely short seasons of cable tv, at least knowing it would be on again would make all the difference in the world.

[umbo]

There's no word yet; apparently TNT have until the beginning of June to decide (that's how long the actors are under contract), but I've seen various folks saying they hope to hear sometime this month.

[kass]

There's so much I want to say in response to this, but the baby is having a fussy day and I'm not sure he's going to permit me much online time right now! but I wanted to quickly say that I'm thinking of you and sending love your way, and I will write more soon when I am able --

[ellie]

Justified is cool, so is Timothy Olyphant. I really liked him in Hitman. I know it was not the greatest movie, no plot to speak off and very little character development, but there were a lot of guns and well did I say guns? *g*

You are always welcome to talk to me. We don't have to wait a year to do so and we are in similar position sort of. I was laid off work. I am look for something permanent, I am also looking to establish myself as a freelancer.

You are welcome to call, though for obvious reason I am not including my number.

[gwyn]

Thank you, Ellie! Yeah, it was funny, the other day FX seemed to be running a Timothy Olyphant marathon -- first Live Free or Die Hard, then Hitman, then Justified. It was funny, but also kind of... yummy.

a few reactions...

[talking_sock]

I just saw this recently, and have been thinking about it. I guess I have this to say, if you want my input at all --

1. Don't go off the anti-depressants. Change the type, change the dosage, but stay on. They aren't in themselves sufficient (I speak from past and current experience) but they will help you cope with the other stuff you have to sort out.
2. Taking a break from fandom is definitely not a bad thing... I think it was good for me, to help me sort out what I didn't like about my life. For me this was a lot of job stuff, but some friend stuff too; and I definitely needed Other Hobbies and more time for job-related things. I finally decided (after the job started being under control, only 3 years ago when I quit!) that having a balance is the most helpful thing. If something sucks in one quadrant, spend some time feeling good in another quadrant, like a hobby. But that doesn't mean have a single consuming obsesso hobby, necessarily.
3. My work/career realizations have been slow to come. I keep refining what makes me happy and what makes me stressed, and how to get paid doing one and minimize the other. This includes a lot of courses, training, self-education, etc. It means a lot less time on my hobbies, but it's helped a lot.
4. Hobbies -- go for the jewelry! I like making stuff, so my current round of hobby attempts involves non-computer arty things including stained glass! It's a great distraction and better physically than sitting at my desk. Mix it up with new art forms, it'll help!

I hope you feel better. It has taken me years to feel a bit better, and I consider it a long-time thing.

[therienne.livejournal.com]

I don't understand what Justified is. Or WHERE it is. Perhaps this is one of the few drawbacks of a TiVo -- you watch what it brings you on your own time, and ignore commercials. I keep seeing mentions of Justified, but despite the posts, I have only vague ideas about it (a Western?) and no clue as to what channel is showing it, and at what time. And god knows I need a new fandom -- this thing where I endlessly watch people renovating their homes on HGTV is only going to lead to me... renovating my home. And I can't afford it. Even though my kitchen is still mostly the original 1935 kitchen that came with the house.

At least you are managing comments -- I haven't managed even much of that lately. Okay, no, I've always sucked at leaving comments. I write them, but then pause to think about them. Then I rewrite then. Then I file them away to make sure I'm not saying anything rash.

Then it's a day later and I feel stupid posting any damn thing.

Determined to get back more into fandom this year, and to try and post and comment more, and to say what I really think.

Maybe. ;)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oh honey! YOu are being denied the fabulousness of Justified? It's on FX channel, Tuesday nights at 10 your time. I hesitate to call it a Western just because so many people act like that's got cooties, but it has the aspects of a Western I love most, and it's about a US Marshal who's been sent back to his home state of Kentucky, to his dismay, to work in the office there. It's witty, snappy, smart, cool, all the usual things an Elmore Leonard story is. And Merry might be interested to know that one of the main showrunners is Graham Yost from Band of Brothers.

Seriously, I think that this is the kind of show that should attract good writers and vidders. It's got a very cool color palette, saturated colors, and fabulous music, and the casting (the pilot was filmed in eastern Penn., but the rest of the show is being shot where they shot Deadwood in Cal.) is utterly perfect. There's great het relationships, slash potential, and gen.

[belmanoir.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: i think you're awesome. and if you ever think i'm treating you badly, please tell me! i promise i'll take it seriously. also, i love my therapist if you'd like his contact info, and he takes payment on a sliding scale, although i guess he's pretty out of the way for you.

and...i think it is possible to be a fan and be happy! like, i've been really uninterested in actually joining new fandoms since the dS debacle last february, but i still think of myself as IN fandom in the general sense, if you know what i mean? like most of my friends are fans even if right now we're mostly fans of various tiny different things, and i'm in a bunch of little fandoms of 2 and 3 within the larger fandom which i mostly ignore, and it is actually working really well. i have loads of fannish interactions and conversation and avoid all the crap, and all in all it's a pretty pleasant experience. so maybe you don't have to give up fannish interaction? just like, shift it or find new places for it or something? i just. i really hear what you're saying about being a fan and not being able to stop, and the idea of you having to try makes me REALLY SAD.

what is this show "justified" and why have i heard nothing about it? ::downloads::

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No, trust me, you are not in the aforementioned groups of people, except where I say that some folks are awesome. ;-) I'm not sure what you'd think of Justified, but I think if you liked Keen Eddie and Due South, you might enjoy this, because it has a similar very non-traditional show kind of style, with characters that aren't really like any of the other types on TV. It has that unique voice about it -- it doesn't share plot or character types, but I think of it in that way of "this is unique" and for me, that's a huge, huge plus. Also, I am a complete sucker for cool dialog, and this has it in spades.

[belmanoir.livejournal.com]

Well, I just watched the Pilot. I'm still on the fence--I liked a lot of the dialogue and I liked the other cops, but he's a little vigilante-justice-style-law-enforcement for me. I wouldn't mind it in a Western, but in the modern setting it bugged me. Still, he's got a silly hat, and the closing bit of dialogue where his ex-wife (gf? not sure) says he's one of the angriest men she knows and he's really freaked out about it was enough to get me to definitely watch the next episode. I am a sucker for characters who are angrier than they want to admit to themselves. Which I guess is part of why I love Fraser so much...

[ann1962]

Oh man! ::hugs:: I think your honesty makes you so strong. That is a gift you have. More power to that, and to you finding people who care for you as they should. Because they really ought to, and you deserve it.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I wish I felt that strong -- I'm fairly certain I'll continue to do exactly what I'm already doing even though I know better, just because it's so hard to change. ;-) But yeah, at my age, it's kind of too short of a time left to be feeling this way all the time.

[varina8.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you are in major flux right now. On the proofreading, have you thought about approaching HR/work-life at the university? They've offered proofreading classes in the past.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

No, I don't even think I know what work-life is! Sometimes dealing with the U is more than I can handle -- like right now, they have me still listed as not teaching, which is giving me major headaches for trying to contact my students, but I do kind of want to branch out a bit more. The proofreading class isn't till next year, though, so I think I'd like to do more before then.

[varina8.livejournal.com]

The beast can be overwhelming. These (http://www.washington.edu/admin/hr/pod/index.html) were the courses that I meant.

[minim_calibre]

Is Justified on streaming anywhere? I burn with vague envy at those who can watch it.

And I wish I drove and had less social anxiety, because you're one of the people I want to see more often. (I do drive, but not often, as we only have a single car.)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

You know, it doesn't look like FX is streaming it on their site, but they do have some previews and things you could look at. And, um... I plan to keep them on my tifaux. So, like, you could always come on over and watch. ;-)

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

Some of this is simply dominance problems. It's like having a big sign on your back, "Kick Me," and you wish you knew who taped it there!
The way you describe fandom, you're much more involved that some of us are these days. It seems to me that your involvement as described is much more personal, detailed, one on one, than I would tolerate from some of the people I've met at conventions. Like Brylcreem, a little goes a long way?
I think it's possible to interact more lightly in fannish pursuits, and not get tangled up in the nasty when people start going off the rails getting weird. I've observed the subatomic debris from several fanwank explosions, and the slow lingering decline of several fandoms whose fanfic and canon I rather liked, and it forces you to move on whether or not you like that.
Some of the folks at work commented that they liked Justified, too, which is a good sign.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think I've had that damn kick me sign on my back since I was a little kid, but I can't seem to find it to take it off! Especially when you hang out with an incestuous group for a long time, you can get a pretty badly skewed picture of fans and interactions. I used to distinguish between my friends and my fan friends -- the latter being the people I shared fannish interests in but that was it. Eventually the fan friends became my primary friends, and I think that was maybe not such a good thing, but alas, there aren't any nonfannish types I meet much these days.

[dine.livejournal.com]

sounds like you've been doing some heavy lifting recently, and I hope that leads to some happier places, and friendships/relationships that are more balanced and equal. good for you!

here's hoping you can build on the realizations, and find many things improving. I know I'm looking forward to seeing you in a week, and will do my best to be positive to be around

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Heavy lifting, yes! Heee.

I am really looking forward to seeing you -- I think BP is going to be a really good antidote to the shitstorm of Escapade this year, and I am very excited about it. Also, bacon!

[dine.livejournal.com]

mmmmm, bacon! just another week to go - we can make it, I'm confident

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

1) I wish you lived closer so we could hang out more.

2) I love everything that you love about Justified.

3) I could totally slash Raylan with his buddy the sniper guy.

4) I don't have the right kind of writing style to pull it off, but in my head, Marshall Rachel Brooks is a cousin of Det. Lydia Adams from Southland.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Man, I wish we could hang out more too. The other day, I was watching TV (Dogtown, to be exact) and there was this rescue going on out in the desert in Nevada, and I saw this woman briefly in the background who looked so much like you!

I can't wait to see what happens next on Justified. I don't even know how many episodes there will be, although I'm sure it will be short like most cable seasons, which will be hard because I just want mooooooore all the time.

I would subscribe to your newsletter about Rachel and Lydia!

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

On the non-fannish front, I sympathize a lot because I have a number of similar issues, all of which are getting a workout this week due to my sister and her kids visiting. Since she's, frankly, responsible for a lot of these issues, I've been in high-stress mode since the moment she walked through the door.

Which is why I'm gonna talk more about Justified, too.

So, ok, here's my thought: White Collar wants to dress like Neal. It wants to be clever, hip and stylish, but--for me, at least--it comes across as superficial and impressed with its own looks. Leverage is the smooth talker with the wink underneath who likes to go to empty lots to blow things up and watch hijinks ensue. Everyone thinks Leverage is a little nuts, but but who else is gonna show you such a good time? Castle is easily distracted by shiny objects, and keeps running over to you saying "Look what I found! It's kinda neat, right?" And that's fine because Castle is a big goofball and that's all you need/expect from it. Justified sits at the dark corner of the booth, drinks its beer, and is wryly amused by everyone else's antics. It's the cool, slightly mysterious loner that everyone kinda has a bit of a crush on.

You know, if TV shows were high school archetypes.

And, yes, Timothy Olyphant's slinky hips should get their own billing.

Edited to add appropriate icon.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

OMG. I LOOOOOVE the archetypes. And I realize that as I read that, the other types never appealed to be much -- I mean, I love the guy who's hip and clever, but he was never someone who had much to do with me. And everyone else was someone I had limited patience for -- 5 min and it was gone. But they guy who sits in the corner and is wryly amused, the mysterious loner? Yes, please. He is the one I want for my boyfriend.

oh, and hey, I meant to tell you -- I'm on my last set of teefs this time. I go in for new molds week after next, and then the refinements. I still don't know if there will be metal involved, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I'm kind of amazed at how straight they are.

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the wryly amused guy is a keeper. :)

Congrats on nearing the end with the teeth! It really is astonishing how quickly and effectively they work; I remember thinking they wouldn't work al that well and then--whoa!--my teeth were straight. Good luck on the refinements!

[killabeez.livejournal.com]

I've been thinking about you. It sucks to hear that you're in kind of the same place of anger and maybe despair about fandom that I've been -- I'm not sure I've been thinking about it in the same terms or for anything like the same reasons, but the feelings sound really familiar. RL hasn't really been giving me any time to think about it anyway, for which I might be grateful. But I have been thinking about you, now not so far away. :) Hoping for a day soon when I can sit still for more than a minute or two, and hoping you might be interested in hanging out with me.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Hey, I heard you'd moved into our neck of the woods. I actually should get together with you at some point just because I wanted to borrow your Xena disc with Gina Torres, if I may, and of course, actually see you. I know I will probably run into you at BP, though! I'm glad that RL has been busy enough so that you're not faced with a lot of this stuff. That's been the key for me -- at least when I'm around others or busy with some work, I don't have to think all this introspective crap.

[morgandawn.livejournal.com]

I support the trying - even a little positive social interaction will go a long way.

and yes, we're watching Justified and loving it.

Virtual(ly) Nothing But Hugs (TM)

[slavelabour.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes. Your thoughts about fandom are in the same venn diagram as mine. It's always the show itself and the characters who bring me a lot of joy and the fandoms can't hold up to that sort of expectation. This false intimacy BS in fandom has a lot to answer for, I think. Because the more I get to know fandom (in general), the better I like my fictional characters.

And maybe you need new real friends who are more accepting of your differences and supportive when you need love, yes? I don't live in your area but you always come across as honest and charming and real and you hang out with people I think of in the same way (blackbird and X) so you can't be bad! Birds of a feather, right? {hugs}

BTW, I am all sorts of on board with you and Justified. I have been pimping this show since it was called Lawman last year but largely because I love Timothy and, gaaasp, he's playing a Chris Larabee-type character? How is that not WIN?! I have one hardcore love affair for easy, cool gunslingers with slinky hips, mrowr.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and I think that with the fandoms, you get into that confrontational "what the fuck are YOU watching? You're totally stupid" crap because you might not care for the prevailing wisdom in a fandom, or whatever. At least if you either keep your focus on the show, or keep a small circle you know and trust, you can enjoy it without having to listen to the politicking and personal shit that goes on with larger groups.

It's just so hard to find new friends, you know? Especially ones who are tolerant of being a fan... some of the people I like best live so far away. Virtual friendships have actually been a lot better for me in that respect.

I keep expecting Raylan to say something like "lady, I am the bad element" to someone. Hee. I think he and Chris would get along JUST FINE.

[crickwooder.livejournal.com]

I was just thinking the other day how withdrawn from fandom in general I've been; I always thought it was because I am slow to adopt new shows, but it's probably more along the lines of dealing with the people in it. You, however, have always been consistently awesome.

JUSTIFIED MAKES ME SO HAPPY. But you knew that.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Obviously if you love Justified you are not slow to adopt new shows! Heee.

I've come to think that it's almost easier to sustain relationships online. The problem is, if you fall in your shower, you can't call on them to come rescue you. But when you get into meat space, everything becomes so much more complex and no one really has that time to sit and let an email form or think about what they want to say.

[brynnmck.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm so sorry that you're in this place, where you've been so hurt and so demoralized; you deserve way better than that, and good for you for recognizing that. I hope that you can find some joy in fandom, because it *is* a large part of your life (from how you describe it); IDK, maybe like Ma Noir says, the key is to cherry-pick your experiences and associates, and try to keep yourself in places and around people who make you feel happy and good. I guess that's as true in fandom as it is anywhere else, though I agree that fandom has some particular quirks that encourage some kinds of toxic behavior. Gah, I'm not being coherent, what I mean to say is: I think you're awesome, and you deserve good things, and I hope they come your way. And I'm looking forward to seeing you soon! *more hugs*

I've watched the first two episodes of Justified and I'm LOVING it so far; what initially piqued my interest was the idea of Timothy Olyphant playing such a Bullock-like character, and he is totally and completely awesomehot as expected. But I'm really enjoying the whole world they've created, too, and I'm anxious to see more!