Miring, not waving

[gwyn]

Considering the preponderance of Buffy and Angel fans who have me friended, and are probably hoping for something actually related to those subjects, my misdirection of late might be annoying (who the hell is this dumb bitch? you ask). I'm actually having a lot of ennui related to the fandom right now and where I fit in it, so it's been easier to focus on things like Queer Eye, which makes me so very, very happy, and Vividcon, because right now vids make me happy and my trip to Chicago left me with a big glowy glow.

The thing is, I'm just mired. It's been hard reading the Spuffy hate being thrown around everywhere, feeling like, as someone put it on another LJ (I missed most of the slash kerfuffling going on while I was in Chi-town, but what little I saw left me dispirited and sore), I'm in the Five Minutes Ago column of EW's little in/out chart every week. Shrug. The Spike hate drains me, the Buffy hate makes me cringe, the arguments going on in Mag 7 fandom, while I don't participate there much, just seem so asinine... basically, I wish every day were kerfuffle-free day. This is a great idea, and I wish that it could continue indefinitely. Sometimes I feel as if I've sunk into a big pit of quicksand and there's no one to wave a stick at me and help me climb out.

I write slash and I write het. Both camps seem to disgust the other these days, and I'm stuck in the demilitarized zone, interested in both (just in differing fandoms). And I think there's quicksand in the DMZ, too, and I'm pretty sure it's mined. I got back into fandom last year as a totally happy person, and have felt like the luster of my fannishness is being tarnished lately and that it's time to go away again. Possibly it's because people feel frustrated by the demise of a show that was so important for so many of us; possibly it's other things. Maybe it's just the dog days of summer. People grow and change, though, and we veer off into other areas. It's the nature of the beast, but it's hard when you don't get where your friends are going. That's why I think KFD is such a good idea, trying to build bridges between people's disparate interests rather than polarize.

I can't seem to write -- not that this is a sad thing, I realize no one is sitting there looking at the calendar going "where's the next chapter of Measure?" but I feel weirdly bad for dropping the ball. I wrote up a storm for a couple months, and now it's like someone stole about ten pints of blood (if only it had been Spike, draining me in my sleep) out of me. No energy, no enthusiasm. I'd made a vid that I brought to the con that I was initially proud of, but ended up feeling less than enthusiastic about because of the reactions of a couple people, and I don't know why their response affected me that way. That doesn't usually happen to me.

Maybe it's that it was quite personal -- I wanted to make a vid of my fanfic, in a way. Tell the story visually that I kind of write most of the time: Spike-centric but Spuffy-based, melancholy, sensual (not sexual, just... sensory), bittersweet. The always gracious and supportive killabeez told me it made her feel misty, and sockkpuppett said I'd make a Spuffy of her yet, which I know is not true and that she was saying it simply to be kind, but that kindness meant a lot anyway so I give her big smoochies. Yet I feel like somehow I didn't achieve the goal I wanted, or something -- the audience response was nice, but I think I didn't maybe get that feeling across or something in the vid. I don't know. And it's strange that the intense glowy glow about the con and the response to feochadn's and my Miracles vid hasn't pulled me up out of the mire yet, but it hasn't.

I'm hoping KFD and its aftermath might help, might put me back on track. Make me feel less like hiding and more like I'm participating; less like I'm in limbo and more like I'm a catalyst in the fandom; less like throwing out the fanfic altogether and just concentrating only on RL, which doesn't give me quite the pleasure that fandom does. I dunno. Maybe I'm just old, and the quibbling and bickering wear me out easier, the way kids wear out grandparents faster than their parents. I'm glad to see my friends participating in KFD. I'm glad to see everyone sort of reexamining their responses lately to things, discussing, thinking. That's for the good. I'm hoping it'll trickle down to me like rain after a drought, and renew my interest a little. I'm sorry for not being much of a participant lately -- and hope to be again. I know no one is hanging on my words, but I'm sure there's a couple folks wondering "now, why did I friend this nimrod who talks about stuff I'm don't care about, again?"

Comments

[onetwomany.livejournal.com]

I can't seem to write -- not that this is a sad thing, I realize no one is sitting there looking at the calendar going "where's the next chapter of Measure?" but I feel weirdly bad for dropping the ball.

Well, I’m waiting for it :). But I sympathise, because I’m having the same problem. Good idea for a fic, outlined plot, a couple of paragraphs on paper, but no ability to put it all together. I suspect it is partially withdrawal from the show, as well as the (US) summer malaise. But, horrid as this is to say, it’s kinda comforting that I’m not the only one! ;-)

[circe-tigana.livejournal.com]

Um, i'm waiting for it too! :)

Yay Measure!

(I'm stockpiling Heliotrope against a rainy day. Can't wait to read it though!)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping I can get myself back on the ball. I just feel really bad that I've dropped it and left everything. I'm glad to know not everyone's irritated. ;-)

[laurashalo.livejournal.com]

Considering the preponderance of Buffy and Angel fans who have me friended, and are probably hoping for something actually related to those subjects, my misdirection of late might be annoying

I'm a fan of both, but honestly, I really enjoy people's real life posts about a variety of interests even more than just Buffy related posts. Mainly, I just heard you were cool. I'm right there with you on the feeling drained. I haven't been all that excited about the show, haven't watched my dvds and haven't participated on the boards like I used to. If you figure out how to get that excited feeling back, let me know, will you? ;)

[http://users.livejournal.com/beingboring_/]

Firstly, I love Measure too, and if you do get the inspiration to write more soon, then awesome. If not, don't feel bad about it- I think people read LJs for a variety of reasons.
I know what you mean about NKD- can we make this NK Fandom?

[blue-larkspur.livejournal.com]

"now, why did I friend this nimrod who talks about stuff I'm don't care about, again?"

Furthest thing from my mind. I enjoy reading your posts, regardless of subject matter!

[glassslipper.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty new to the fanfic world, and so I don't see all the Spuffy hate that seems to be out there (obviously I'm missing some central websites, but given everyone's reactions I'm not too upset). But I love Spuffy, I love all the fanfic I've been reading (including Heliotrope which was *wonderful*), and I sincerely hope it continues despite the end of the show. It was my panic/depression over the end of the season that sent me onto the web in the first place, and it has been so much fun finding the Buffy world online. I am having so much fun, in fact, that I am even trying to write my own stuff (and because laughing at myself is fun too, it all works out ok).

Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say that I'm glad you are writing, glad you are writing Spuffy, and hope you can find a happy Buffy thought again.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I kind of envy you about not seeing the hate flying around. I wish it was something I could erase -- why hasn't someone actually developed that brain scrubber machine yet? They did it on La Femme Nikita, dammit, they can do it in real life!

But thank you for the support -- I'm working on the 'tude as we speak, trying to make myself get back into it.

[darkwoods.livejournal.com]

I would enjoy reading anything you want to write! Everybody needs a fallow period so relax-it'll come when it comes. I second the above poster who says I'm glad you write and that you write Spuffy. I still love the ship.

[sweet-ali.livejournal.com]

I know no one is hanging on my words, but I'm sure there's a couple folks wondering "now, why did I friend this nimrod who talks about stuff I'm don't care about, again?

Newsflash, Gwyn: You are a very itneresting person!

Your take on things is always a great read. You never go offon a tangent, your thoughts are always well-worked out, and always lead to discussion. You have ideas! Opinons! And we LIKE to read them.

I can't seem to write -- not that this is a sad thing, I realize no one is sitting there looking at the calendar going "where's the next chapter of Measure?" but I feel weirdly bad for dropping the ball.

::raises hand, waves it furiously in the air::

I am! I am! I am!

And not b/c I'm your beta, but because i LIIIIIKE it. I want to see what Wesley will research, more interations between Spike and Angel, and finally, him stepping back onto Sunnydale grounds.

But, i do understand. I think this summer has huge amounts to do with it and the ambiguity of where Spike is going. You see, last summer we had the wondering about the effect of the soul, if there would be a beating heart coming along with it, AND last, but not least, what would happen between him and Buffy. But this summer...we had less of that, and I'm sure it has affected your inspiration in that way. Because now after the final BtVs season, we have had the deconstruction of everything, including Spuffy, and it's just been...exhausting. Kerfuffles-a-go-go :)

My advice to everyone concerning all the crap, dear god, don't read it. I've stopped. I love my friends on LJ, but i skip most entries that deal with said kerfuffle, mainly b/c it won't affect my opinion, but it can still leave me with an icky feeling in my tummy. So, I've taken a happy step back just so i can see it all from just my POV and not have it colored by anyone else. I know it's hard to stay away ffrom such discussion especially when you are brewing with thoughts, but still. It may help. Remind yourself about what you love about the show, the characters and not so much the fandom.

And that was a mouthful. I hope it made sense and i didn't end up munching on a foot.

*smooches*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

You are so sweet. I think the respite, and focusing on the vids and the other world and my real life writing, has been good. But fandom is such a part of me, that I can't feel really fulfilled if I'm not doing something in it. So I hope that this step back will get me going forward again. One step up, two steps back... no wait, that's not good!

[molly_may]

Count me in as another one patiently waiting for the next chapter of Measure of a Man, but I would rather wait for it and know that you were happy with it than have it rushed out.

I'm hoping that as summer fades away, fandom will calm down a little.

[elynross.livejournal.com]

... and sockkpuppett said I'd make a Spuffy of her yet, which I know is not true and that she was saying it simply to be kind, but that kindness meant a lot anyway so I give her big smoochies.

Oh, trust me, she's not like that at all. *g* She was completely sincere, and I can say this with authority, because she said the very same thing to me in the privacy of our room, with no other witnesses! We both enjoyed the vid very much, truly. I think it was a distinctive, honest, bittersweet view of Spike, and a lovely, lovely vid. I just wish I could see it again now!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

LOL -- I love that you can say "she's not like that at all"! It's always fun when we can fink on our friends' true colors. ;-)

Thank you for the support on the vid -- sometimes you just don't know what you think in the end (like fic, I guess) and responses can steer you in a direction you didn't think of going. You end up with that "how do I really feel?" nebulousness. It's rare for me, but vids bring it out more often, I think.

And once again, I say: It takes a special kind of person to be able to wear a llama, and you pulled it off with style.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping KFD and its aftermath might help, might put me back on track. Make me feel less like hiding and more like I'm participating; less like I'm in limbo and more like I'm a catalyst in the fandom; less like throwing out the fanfic altogether and just concentrating only on RL, which doesn't give me quite the pleasure that fandom does.

Anything we can do to make you feel better about it all? & :->

I dunno. Maybe I'm just old, and the quibbling and bickering wear me out easier, the way kids wear out grandparents faster than their parents. I'm glad to see my friends participating in KFD. I'm glad to see everyone sort of reexamining their responses lately to things, discussing, thinking. That's for the good. I'm hoping it'll trickle down to me like rain after a drought, and renew my interest a little.

Don't sweat it. I and many others who adore your writings, whether essays or stories, would love to see more of you; however, if you don't feel like joining the teeming cesspool of fandom this summer, it's understandable.

I'm sorry for not being much of a participant lately -- and hope to be again. I know no one is hanging on my words, but I'm sure there's a couple folks wondering "now, why did I friend this nimrod who talks about stuff I'm don't care about, again?"

Tsk. While not much of a TV show fan (and therefore quite lost reading in many of my friends' posts right now), I definitely appreciate everything else you post, due to both the way you express your thoughts and the ideas themselves. Relax. We love you. & ;-)

[needfire.livejournal.com]

I'm with you on this. I read for the quality of the writing, and if i'm honest Spike. I don't care so much about the pairing as the effort and skill in the work. I got into lj land through a friend after complaining of exhausting new fictions. I love this community but find my-self often bemused at the strange propensity for segregation and fury at choices. By the way i wanted to tell you how much i adore your work, i'm primarily a Buffy shipper but i enjoyed your writing so much i have read your Magnificent seven work also. Now i keep an eye out for new stories in this genre. Your post chosen was fabulous and i look forward to every new installment of your post grave [measure of a man]. I find your perspective interesting and original, coupled with a fluid style you have me grinning every time i find new installments. I just wanted to say thank you.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Sorry that it took me so long to respond, but I just wanted to say thank you so much for the kind words. I can't tell you what a cool thing it is to hear that someone read fic in another fandom altogether, one they aren't even attracted to, because they liked your work -- it's just really amazing to hear, and I'm very giddy about it. ;-) Thank you so, so much.

[needfire.livejournal.com]

God you are very welcome! I'm the one getting the better deal here.