Doubty McDoubtpants
Mar. 17th, 2004 09:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynI normally don't have a lot of doubts about writing fanfic. I mean, I have the usual me doubts -- that I'm a fuckup, that I'm lousy, that no one likes me or wants to read what I write, that I'm a loser. But those are the voices that I've had in my head my whole life, so I mostly just kinda go, whatever, and write anyway, because writing is so much a part of my life and my nature that the doubts have no real meaning in and of themselves. Everyone once in a great while, like with Cold Enough to Snow or The Price for Flight or The Living or Assumption, I even like what I'm doing and feel pretty confident about it.
But those wicked women at Tea at the Ford have actually got me writing a Spike and Dana story (mostly on the friendship side), and I'm riddled with doubt, especially because someone else is doing it much better than I can and has a really cool idea going on. (And so you won't have to ask, who's Dana, she's the insane slayer in Damage from this season Angel.) I'm worried I won't be able to do a decent interior voice for her -- not that anything's set in stone, of course, as she came and went in one ep -- or that I won't be able to make plausible her connection to Spike. Or that I'll soften Spike too much, or not enough. Doubts! I hate 'em when I can't wave them away like usual. Plus, I really should be finishing the next chapter of Measure of a Man, which has been lying near death for far too long.
I always have doubts about vidding, though. It's a rare day when I feel like I know what I'm doing and that I'm creating genius, sheer genius. I love this song I have for a Firefly vid (Damien Rice's Cannonball, the radio remix), and in my head it looks like a wonderful vid for Mal, and his feelings for Inara, but... even just a few clips in I'm all, wow, I suck. What if I can't do this well? the little voice keeps saying. There's nothing worse than doing a just average job, I hate that feeling. (Though it doesn't make me lash out at those whose work I feel is superior, and get all jealous and snipey; I actually find really good stuff inspiring most of the time. I like the idea of striving to create at their level, rather than wanting people to come down to mine.)
Those folks who can write really fast and well, and not rework their writing because they feel so confident about it, amaze me. Those folks who can crank out a vid and know they did great without even having a beta viewer... I can't even imagine what it would be like. I know they're out there, but they and me are from different 'verses. But I want to be like that!
I'm also long overdue for the S3 Angel disc reviews, so I need to get on that too, and be all doubty about my ability to write a decent review. ;-) Anyone know any anti-doubt spells? And how come they don't have a doubtful Current Mood selection?
But those wicked women at Tea at the Ford have actually got me writing a Spike and Dana story (mostly on the friendship side), and I'm riddled with doubt, especially because someone else is doing it much better than I can and has a really cool idea going on. (And so you won't have to ask, who's Dana, she's the insane slayer in Damage from this season Angel.) I'm worried I won't be able to do a decent interior voice for her -- not that anything's set in stone, of course, as she came and went in one ep -- or that I won't be able to make plausible her connection to Spike. Or that I'll soften Spike too much, or not enough. Doubts! I hate 'em when I can't wave them away like usual. Plus, I really should be finishing the next chapter of Measure of a Man, which has been lying near death for far too long.
I always have doubts about vidding, though. It's a rare day when I feel like I know what I'm doing and that I'm creating genius, sheer genius. I love this song I have for a Firefly vid (Damien Rice's Cannonball, the radio remix), and in my head it looks like a wonderful vid for Mal, and his feelings for Inara, but... even just a few clips in I'm all, wow, I suck. What if I can't do this well? the little voice keeps saying. There's nothing worse than doing a just average job, I hate that feeling. (Though it doesn't make me lash out at those whose work I feel is superior, and get all jealous and snipey; I actually find really good stuff inspiring most of the time. I like the idea of striving to create at their level, rather than wanting people to come down to mine.)
Those folks who can write really fast and well, and not rework their writing because they feel so confident about it, amaze me. Those folks who can crank out a vid and know they did great without even having a beta viewer... I can't even imagine what it would be like. I know they're out there, but they and me are from different 'verses. But I want to be like that!
I'm also long overdue for the S3 Angel disc reviews, so I need to get on that too, and be all doubty about my ability to write a decent review. ;-) Anyone know any anti-doubt spells? And how come they don't have a doubtful Current Mood selection?
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no subject
Date: 2004-03-17 10:45 pm (UTC)I've only just discovered Tea at the Ford, and it seems a *very* intimidating place (and there's *so much stuff* there!), and I don't really know anything about it or who the people are or anything.
Is there really anyone out there who can write really fast and well and not rework their writing because they feel so confident about it? I think it's all a matter of degree--certainly the people I read all seem to have those times when they're convinced that their writing sucks....
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-03-18 11:06 am (UTC)It's always so weird to me when the doubts I have about my real life writing infect fanfic. Fanfic has always felt pretty easy for me, understandable and doable, but when I switch gears like this, I hear the voices that wreck my real life writing. Then I meet these people who just glide things out, and I want to either steal their brains, or stomp on them, one of the two. ;-)