Doubty McDoubtpants

[gwyn]

I normally don't have a lot of doubts about writing fanfic. I mean, I have the usual me doubts -- that I'm a fuckup, that I'm lousy, that no one likes me or wants to read what I write, that I'm a loser. But those are the voices that I've had in my head my whole life, so I mostly just kinda go, whatever, and write anyway, because writing is so much a part of my life and my nature that the doubts have no real meaning in and of themselves. Everyone once in a great while, like with Cold Enough to Snow or The Price for Flight or The Living or Assumption, I even like what I'm doing and feel pretty confident about it.

But those wicked women at Tea at the Ford have actually got me writing a Spike and Dana story (mostly on the friendship side), and I'm riddled with doubt, especially because someone else is doing it much better than I can and has a really cool idea going on. (And so you won't have to ask, who's Dana, she's the insane slayer in Damage from this season Angel.) I'm worried I won't be able to do a decent interior voice for her -- not that anything's set in stone, of course, as she came and went in one ep -- or that I won't be able to make plausible her connection to Spike. Or that I'll soften Spike too much, or not enough. Doubts! I hate 'em when I can't wave them away like usual. Plus, I really should be finishing the next chapter of Measure of a Man, which has been lying near death for far too long.

I always have doubts about vidding, though. It's a rare day when I feel like I know what I'm doing and that I'm creating genius, sheer genius. I love this song I have for a Firefly vid (Damien Rice's Cannonball, the radio remix), and in my head it looks like a wonderful vid for Mal, and his feelings for Inara, but... even just a few clips in I'm all, wow, I suck. What if I can't do this well? the little voice keeps saying. There's nothing worse than doing a just average job, I hate that feeling. (Though it doesn't make me lash out at those whose work I feel is superior, and get all jealous and snipey; I actually find really good stuff inspiring most of the time. I like the idea of striving to create at their level, rather than wanting people to come down to mine.)

Those folks who can write really fast and well, and not rework their writing because they feel so confident about it, amaze me. Those folks who can crank out a vid and know they did great without even having a beta viewer... I can't even imagine what it would be like. I know they're out there, but they and me are from different 'verses. But I want to be like that!

I'm also long overdue for the S3 Angel disc reviews, so I need to get on that too, and be all doubty about my ability to write a decent review. ;-) Anyone know any anti-doubt spells? And how come they don't have a doubtful Current Mood selection?

Comments

[umbo.livejournal.com]

God, I was totally in that space yesterday, where I was convinced my writing sucked and all that, so I can relate. But I will tell you (although you already know it) that I think you're one of the best of the best, and the idea of you writing Spike/Dana makes me all happy!

I've only just discovered Tea at the Ford, and it seems a *very* intimidating place (and there's *so much stuff* there!), and I don't really know anything about it or who the people are or anything.

Is there really anyone out there who can write really fast and well and not rework their writing because they feel so confident about it? I think it's all a matter of degree--certainly the people I read all seem to have those times when they're convinced that their writing sucks....

*hugs*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Tea at the Ford can be a little scary, it's true. But worth the trip -- I'm waaayyy out of my league intellectually (there are words I don't even know in those posts, and I thought I had a big vocabulary!) but it's fun nonetheless. It makes me think, and that's only ever a good thing.

It's always so weird to me when the doubts I have about my real life writing infect fanfic. Fanfic has always felt pretty easy for me, understandable and doable, but when I switch gears like this, I hear the voices that wreck my real life writing. Then I meet these people who just glide things out, and I want to either steal their brains, or stomp on them, one of the two. ;-)

[destina.livejournal.com]

Those folks who can write really fast and well, and not rework their writing because they feel so confident about it, amaze me.

I'm pretty sure I don't want to know those people. They will only depress me and drive me to drink. *g*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I blame them for all my emotional problems, including my shyness. It's all their fault.

[luminosity]

I believe that this post speaks for all of us, in nearly every creative endeavor. The thought of writing, even if I have oodles of ideas, makes me nervous. I'm afraid that I'd be *gasp* mediocre. I'd rather fail spectacularly than do something ho-hum.

I've never found myself in the "Zone" when I've tried to write anything. I often reach that state when I'm vidding. It's like a drug, and I'd do just about anything to reach that state and maintain it.

Those folks who can crank out a vid and know they did great without even having a beta viewer... I can't even imagine what it would be like. I know they're out there, but they and me are from different 'verses. But I want to be like that!

Yeah, well, me too! I always feel like a failure when I've finished the vid--after the "wow I'm done!" afterglow. Then? About a week later, I start to pick the thing apart until it bleeds to death. There's not a vid out there that I've made with which I'm wholly satisfied, and there are a couple that embarrass me to death.

There are two or three people who see nearly every vid I make while it's in progress. Thank God for these people! The best ones are those who force me to articulate, specifically, what I'm trying to say. Hmmm... a good beta viewer is as valuable as a good beta reader.

Okay, I'll shut up now. This is what too much caffeine'll do to a person.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

It's actually pretty comforting to hear you say that, especially about vidding, because I've always had this vision of you as one of those people for whom it's a smooth as silk process -- possibly because of your artistic background.

But I also think that not being satisfied with anything, never feeling like it's really finished or satisfactory, is a good thing. Obviously we know when to quit, but the best artists look at their art, I think, and see ways they can constantly improve. That satisfaction and never seeing thing they could change is complacency, I guess, and like you, I'd rather fail wildly than just be average -- and yet satsifed and complacent.

[luminosity]

Ha! It is to laugh. I obsess and whine and generally feel all sorts of insecure the entire time I'm vidding, and it doesn't go away when the vid is done. It intensifies. I must cover it well. :)

I drive elynross (I consider her my #1 beta) crazy--not so much because of artistic reasons, but for thematic reasons. I usually want to put a 10-lb vid into a 5-lb sack, and it *kills* me to have to rethink it and rethink it and rethink it. Having a formal education in art mostly serves to illuminate where I'm really screwing it up.

After three years of vidding intensively (Premiere open nearly every day), I am more aware of my failings now than ever. Yeah, but what's a heaven for, right?

[murielperun.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, every time I sit at the keyboard to write I have to banish the self-doubt demons. They swirl around in your head telling you everything you write is crap, but you have to go on anyway or you'll never create a thing. I always tell myself, "Write it, you can always change it (or delete it) later." That, and the encouragement of my friends and beta readers, is what keeps me writing.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

The social network really is vital -- because the demons can rule if we don't have the angels on the other shoulder telling us to keep going. Lately I'm finding my jobless status is giving the demons an edge, and making my self-doubts worse, so I have to ask the angels to work a lttle harder!