Dear Mr. Fantasy, play us a tune
Jan. 21st, 2005 07:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynSomething to make us all feel better...
I called my sister tonight as I was leaving my dad's new apartment. She told me that I needed to not leave, but to go back upstairs to tell him that the colonoscopy she had Wednesday showed she has small tumors in her pelvis and colon and that the biopsy showed they are cancerous. So I sat on the couch by the elevator having this horrible conversation with her as all the sweet elderly people came by trying to discern why I was sitting there with my head in my hands, crying. Then I went upstairs and sobbed on my dad's chest in the doorway, which is something we do not do in my family: no crying, no touching.
She has to have surgery again. Possibly a colostomy. They are going to do a new type of chemo where they pump heated chemicals into the cavity during surgery and swish 'em around, then later in the hospital through a direct port. I don't know if she can survive this. When I saw her a few weeks ago, she was a blasted out shell of a human being. She was never strong or healthy to begin with, very skinny, and there is nothing left of her. She is miserable and physically in agony all the time (I won't go into the gross details). She won't be able to work and now will probably lose the job they were holding for her and she's not sure how much longer her disability will last.
And worse, I know from experience what this means. My mom at least got a year in between her final chemo and the cancer coming back. My sister's cancer returning while she's actually in chemo means she is not going to get better, and she will die. She didn't even get a fucking month. She knows this, and she is really wondering whether it wouldn't just be better to go to Australia and Europe and come home and die. While I don't want to hear her say that, I can't blame her. I don't think I can handle losing another person I love to this fucking illness, I can't handle losing my twin sister. And I don't know what to do.
Who was it in mythology who was chained to a rock and had his liver pecked out by an eagle through eternity? Prometheus, right? I feel like Prometheus, only it's my heart and my guts.
Why isn't destroyed a mood?
I called my sister tonight as I was leaving my dad's new apartment. She told me that I needed to not leave, but to go back upstairs to tell him that the colonoscopy she had Wednesday showed she has small tumors in her pelvis and colon and that the biopsy showed they are cancerous. So I sat on the couch by the elevator having this horrible conversation with her as all the sweet elderly people came by trying to discern why I was sitting there with my head in my hands, crying. Then I went upstairs and sobbed on my dad's chest in the doorway, which is something we do not do in my family: no crying, no touching.
She has to have surgery again. Possibly a colostomy. They are going to do a new type of chemo where they pump heated chemicals into the cavity during surgery and swish 'em around, then later in the hospital through a direct port. I don't know if she can survive this. When I saw her a few weeks ago, she was a blasted out shell of a human being. She was never strong or healthy to begin with, very skinny, and there is nothing left of her. She is miserable and physically in agony all the time (I won't go into the gross details). She won't be able to work and now will probably lose the job they were holding for her and she's not sure how much longer her disability will last.
And worse, I know from experience what this means. My mom at least got a year in between her final chemo and the cancer coming back. My sister's cancer returning while she's actually in chemo means she is not going to get better, and she will die. She didn't even get a fucking month. She knows this, and she is really wondering whether it wouldn't just be better to go to Australia and Europe and come home and die. While I don't want to hear her say that, I can't blame her. I don't think I can handle losing another person I love to this fucking illness, I can't handle losing my twin sister. And I don't know what to do.
Who was it in mythology who was chained to a rock and had his liver pecked out by an eagle through eternity? Prometheus, right? I feel like Prometheus, only it's my heart and my guts.
Why isn't destroyed a mood?
