And now comes the post-partum meltdown
Apr. 19th, 2005 01:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynThe nice thing about vidding was that it was keeping me busy, and allowing me to focus on something else besides the aftermath of Sis_r's death. But now that my babies are up and in the world, I'm in the post-vidding meltdown phase, and am getting more depressed and upset by the minute because tomorrow I head back down to San Diego for the clearing out of the house, and the garage sale, and the real estate agent stuff for preparing to put the house on the market. It will probably be the last time I see her beautiful house with her beautiful things, and we will probably sell the Pathfinder she willed to me because I don't want to drive it up here from California for a number of reasons. I feel insanely guilty about it, because I know she wanted me to have a newer, better car, but I'm going to use the money to buy one once I'm back home, and hope that I don't feel like I've betrayed her once more.
I can't stand the thought of seeing her house so empty -- the person who was willed the gorgeous, expensive bedroom furniture came this past weekend to take it out, and already I'm losing it every time I think of her bedroom empty like that. She was in that bed so much towards the end, it's as if my last pictures of her in my mind are all in that bed -- especially that last night she was there, when I just lay down next to her and held her hand and watched 24. There's too much finality to it all. I've pretended, stupid as it is, that I just haven't caught up with her to check in and see how she is; somehow she will be there when I come down, and there is hope. But I know there isn't any and it will be hammered home when I get down there tomorrow night to an empty, empty house.
And still the kitties' fates worry me, because the person who has offered to take them lives in N. Carolina, and it scares me to think of the boys having to fly, either as cargo or as passengers. I don't think the person who's taking them, though she loved my sister deeply and loves the cats, really understands how frail one of them is. I worry about their tendency to vomit, and what that would mean on a plane ride, since there are no direct flights between Raleigh and San Diego. Everyone tells me they will be all right, but I can't stop my fears. I have my own cat traumas going on now, I don't want more added. If anything happens to them, I will feel even more as if I've let my sister down.
It's harder and harder to breathe every hour the airport draws closer. It seems as if everyone expects me to be better, because they are, but I feel as if I'm getting worse, not better. At least the vidding took some of those thoughts away. Today in the shower I was siezed with a memory of my sister sobbing in the shower when I was down there for her second chemo treatment, because her hair was falling out in clumps, and she couldn't bear it. Nothing I do will get rid of these terrible memories.
At least the guy who is selling her house is a friend of hers. He offered to sell it without the fee, so all he gets is the commission, and I know he loved my sister and she loved him, so I am glad that it will be in good hands. Someone who knew her expressed an interest in buying it, too. We'll see what happens. Regardless, I'm sure it will sell fast, because it is lovely and she took good care of it.
At least one good thing in the world: My complete series DVDs for Miracles arrived in the mail. I wish I would have time to watch them, but it will be a treat to come home to them. I know a lot of folks expressed interest in the series after they saw![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
feochadn's and my vid for it to Darkness, Darkness, but most didn't pursue getting copies. Well, now you can see it -- all 13 eps, in lovely condition. Since it looks like Shout! Factory did the set, I think most of the incidental music should be intact, and I'm sure it will look great, since they do a wonderful job with their poor dead-too-soon series sets. I can't wait to see Skeeter, Angus, and Marisa in action again, and hear the commentary tracks.
God is now here/God is nowhere. Yeah. I'm going with the latter, these days, myself.
I can't stand the thought of seeing her house so empty -- the person who was willed the gorgeous, expensive bedroom furniture came this past weekend to take it out, and already I'm losing it every time I think of her bedroom empty like that. She was in that bed so much towards the end, it's as if my last pictures of her in my mind are all in that bed -- especially that last night she was there, when I just lay down next to her and held her hand and watched 24. There's too much finality to it all. I've pretended, stupid as it is, that I just haven't caught up with her to check in and see how she is; somehow she will be there when I come down, and there is hope. But I know there isn't any and it will be hammered home when I get down there tomorrow night to an empty, empty house.
And still the kitties' fates worry me, because the person who has offered to take them lives in N. Carolina, and it scares me to think of the boys having to fly, either as cargo or as passengers. I don't think the person who's taking them, though she loved my sister deeply and loves the cats, really understands how frail one of them is. I worry about their tendency to vomit, and what that would mean on a plane ride, since there are no direct flights between Raleigh and San Diego. Everyone tells me they will be all right, but I can't stop my fears. I have my own cat traumas going on now, I don't want more added. If anything happens to them, I will feel even more as if I've let my sister down.
It's harder and harder to breathe every hour the airport draws closer. It seems as if everyone expects me to be better, because they are, but I feel as if I'm getting worse, not better. At least the vidding took some of those thoughts away. Today in the shower I was siezed with a memory of my sister sobbing in the shower when I was down there for her second chemo treatment, because her hair was falling out in clumps, and she couldn't bear it. Nothing I do will get rid of these terrible memories.
At least the guy who is selling her house is a friend of hers. He offered to sell it without the fee, so all he gets is the commission, and I know he loved my sister and she loved him, so I am glad that it will be in good hands. Someone who knew her expressed an interest in buying it, too. We'll see what happens. Regardless, I'm sure it will sell fast, because it is lovely and she took good care of it.
At least one good thing in the world: My complete series DVDs for Miracles arrived in the mail. I wish I would have time to watch them, but it will be a treat to come home to them. I know a lot of folks expressed interest in the series after they saw
feochadn's and my vid for it to Darkness, Darkness, but most didn't pursue getting copies. Well, now you can see it -- all 13 eps, in lovely condition. Since it looks like Shout! Factory did the set, I think most of the incidental music should be intact, and I'm sure it will look great, since they do a wonderful job with their poor dead-too-soon series sets. I can't wait to see Skeeter, Angus, and Marisa in action again, and hear the commentary tracks.God is now here/God is nowhere. Yeah. I'm going with the latter, these days, myself.
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-19 10:39 pm (UTC)You don't need to be better. You just need to be who you are, where you are, how you are. There isn't a timetable for this... and I think your sister would understand that you're doing your best, and if that includes selling the car so you can buy a new one at home, it's OK.
You're in my thoughts.