And now comes the post-partum meltdown

[gwyn]

The nice thing about vidding was that it was keeping me busy, and allowing me to focus on something else besides the aftermath of Sis_r's death. But now that my babies are up and in the world, I'm in the post-vidding meltdown phase, and am getting more depressed and upset by the minute because tomorrow I head back down to San Diego for the clearing out of the house, and the garage sale, and the real estate agent stuff for preparing to put the house on the market. It will probably be the last time I see her beautiful house with her beautiful things, and we will probably sell the Pathfinder she willed to me because I don't want to drive it up here from California for a number of reasons. I feel insanely guilty about it, because I know she wanted me to have a newer, better car, but I'm going to use the money to buy one once I'm back home, and hope that I don't feel like I've betrayed her once more.

I can't stand the thought of seeing her house so empty -- the person who was willed the gorgeous, expensive bedroom furniture came this past weekend to take it out, and already I'm losing it every time I think of her bedroom empty like that. She was in that bed so much towards the end, it's as if my last pictures of her in my mind are all in that bed -- especially that last night she was there, when I just lay down next to her and held her hand and watched 24. There's too much finality to it all. I've pretended, stupid as it is, that I just haven't caught up with her to check in and see how she is; somehow she will be there when I come down, and there is hope. But I know there isn't any and it will be hammered home when I get down there tomorrow night to an empty, empty house.

And still the kitties' fates worry me, because the person who has offered to take them lives in N. Carolina, and it scares me to think of the boys having to fly, either as cargo or as passengers. I don't think the person who's taking them, though she loved my sister deeply and loves the cats, really understands how frail one of them is. I worry about their tendency to vomit, and what that would mean on a plane ride, since there are no direct flights between Raleigh and San Diego. Everyone tells me they will be all right, but I can't stop my fears. I have my own cat traumas going on now, I don't want more added. If anything happens to them, I will feel even more as if I've let my sister down.

It's harder and harder to breathe every hour the airport draws closer. It seems as if everyone expects me to be better, because they are, but I feel as if I'm getting worse, not better. At least the vidding took some of those thoughts away. Today in the shower I was siezed with a memory of my sister sobbing in the shower when I was down there for her second chemo treatment, because her hair was falling out in clumps, and she couldn't bear it. Nothing I do will get rid of these terrible memories.

At least the guy who is selling her house is a friend of hers. He offered to sell it without the fee, so all he gets is the commission, and I know he loved my sister and she loved him, so I am glad that it will be in good hands. Someone who knew her expressed an interest in buying it, too. We'll see what happens. Regardless, I'm sure it will sell fast, because it is lovely and she took good care of it.

At least one good thing in the world: My complete series DVDs for Miracles arrived in the mail. I wish I would have time to watch them, but it will be a treat to come home to them. I know a lot of folks expressed interest in the series after they saw feochadn's and my vid for it to Darkness, Darkness, but most didn't pursue getting copies. Well, now you can see it -- all 13 eps, in lovely condition. Since it looks like Shout! Factory did the set, I think most of the incidental music should be intact, and I'm sure it will look great, since they do a wonderful job with their poor dead-too-soon series sets. I can't wait to see Skeeter, Angus, and Marisa in action again, and hear the commentary tracks.

God is now here/God is nowhere. Yeah. I'm going with the latter, these days, myself.

Comments

[hobbituk.livejournal.com]

Sending you {{hugs}}. Not helping I know, but I am thinking of you.

[ann1962]

but I feel as if I'm getting worse, not better.

Aww, hugs. That is so normal Gwyn. You will feel this way for some time. Everyone else wants you to be well so that is why they expect you to. For their ease too. But you will feel what you do. After my son died I cried in the shower every single day for months and months. Showers are good for that it seems. There is no guidebook here. And I won't tell you it will be better, it will just be different. That might sound harsh but it is truthful. You don't need platitudes now. I wish you the very most peace. People want to hide grief and I commend you for sharing with all of us. Do you know how much courage that takes and you have shown that repeatedly. {{hugs again}}

[foolme8.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[darkrhiannon.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie, I am so very sorry. I can't say I know what you are going through, for I don't. I can't even say it will get better, for there are no guarantees. But from all you have written of her, your sister was loved by many and will live on in their memories forever. Sad second best for you, I know, but her life was worth something, and that's far more than many others can say. Allow yourself the time you need and the space to feel what you feel without beating yourself up for other's expectations of you. Only you can know when and why it is time for you to feel as you do.

Blessings,

Rhi

[tripleransom.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've not lost a sister, but I have lost both my parents and a couple of good friends, so I have some idea of the depth of your sorrow. And maybe, something about the way you're feeling.

Please don't feel guilty or weird for not feeling better yet. For one thing, everyone grieves - and recovers - at their own rate. For another thing, sometimes people are so fixated on making you feel better that they don't allow you time to grieve. It's like they are trivializing your feelings "C'mon--don't you feel better yet? No? Well, how about now? Want some ice cream?" They don't mean it that way, but you just wish they would GO AWAY and let you be sad. Then you feel bad for feeling that way, no?

Well, chill. It's not some kind of a contest, like who can get better first. Take the time you need to feel bad.

As for the sad memories, well of course you can't "get rid" of them. They will always be there, because they're a part of your whole experience with your sister. But remember the sad memories are only a part of what the two of you had. At some point, you will have room to remember the happy ones too and you won't feel so overwhelmed.

For now, though, don't worry about getting "over it". Take every minute as it comes, keep plodding ahead and eventually - well, you don't get over it, but somehow, it does get better.

(IMHO - feel free to tell me to take a hike if you want to!)

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I think I'm all platituded out, so I'm just going to say that you continue to be in my warmest thoughts just about every day of the week. *hugs*

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

{{{{{{{{Gwyn}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thinking of you. This is a terrible ordeal you are going through right now.

[rainkatt.livejournal.com]

About the kitties: I think they'll be bothered by the travel, but not beyond their ability to cope, and they'll be OK once they settle, enough to feel safe and loved and taken care of. (if a few randomly drawn cards are anything to go by. For me, it usually is...)

You don't need to be better. You just need to be who you are, where you are, how you are. There isn't a timetable for this... and I think your sister would understand that you're doing your best, and if that includes selling the car so you can buy a new one at home, it's OK.

You're in my thoughts.

[morgandawn.livejournal.com]

I was thinking of you today as I was listening to AfroCelt on my new Ipod.

"I saw it in a dream
It was another time
Everything was blue
Everything was fine

And you were always there
And I could see clear
I was always yours
You were always mine."

[poisonapple73.livejournal.com]

Nothing I do will get rid of these terrible memories.

I am so sorry. My grandmother died of leukemia, and even now, two years later, seeing something, or a scent, will trigger memories that I try so hard to ignore. All I can say is, don't let anyone rush you into acting like you're better. You feel however you feel, and you have a right to feel that way. *hugs*

[fishsanwitt]

Everyone grieves at their own pace. The year after my mother died - I was a zombie - I don't know how I managed to continue to *live*, let alone go to school, write papers and not fall apart 24/7.

I cried *every* day for months. Every fucking day.

My husband told his mother that I had 'bad' days and 'worse' days.

It just takes time. Feel the way you feel. ::hugs::

[blue-larkspur.livejournal.com]

I wish there were something I could do to help you. Please know that you're in my thoughts.

[leela-cat.livejournal.com]

Take all the time you need to feel better. There's no timeline and no requirement to *ever* stop grieving for your sister.

About the kitties, you can only do your best to find them a home. From what I've heard, you've done more than your best and so has everyone else who has tried to help you find them a home.

*hugs*

[batdina.livejournal.com]

I think we all grieve in our time in our own way. When my mom died, I remember someone saying "There will always be one more thing you do this year that will be the first time you did it without her. After the first year, at least there aren't any more firsts." Staring down the hall at the end of year five on the one hand and year seven on the other, that has only been a marginally successful way for me to look at things, but I offer it to you just in case one evening it's helpful to you.

[klia.livejournal.com]

::big hugs::

I can only hope everything goes smoothly for you.

::more big hugs::

[abrakadabrah.livejournal.com]

That's one of the hardest experiences, when everyone around you believes, on some level, you ought to be at the stage where you are getting better, but you are not there yet. And won't be there any time soon. And there is almost an invisible change in the amount of patience they have allotted for you, now run its course.

I understand about the kitty anxiety also. That's a hard one, too. Animals are so vulnerable because you can't explain things to them.

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

I wish I could help, somehow. All I can do is keep you in my thoughts, and you are. Have a safe trip, and just take it moment by moment.

I need to order Miracles; I'm so glad they put it out on DVD.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

letting go

[criesbella.livejournal.com]

dear gwyn:
i'm one of your fic fans, and i've been following
your story. hugs for your loss and courage for facing it.

when my grandma died, i watched everything get carried away
too--furniture, clothes, her "stuff." i kept some of her
kitchen cookware, and i think of her whenever i use her
pots & pans. when the house was nearly empty, i did a private
"closing" ritual...i smudged the rooms, i circled the house
3X...i took OUR MEMORIES with me.

much love to you as you tranquilize the cats, sell the car,
and find your own closure with sis's home.

xoxo from nyc, anne

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

Please accept some long distance hugs.

[deejay.livejournal.com]

Re: "And still the kitties' fates worry me, because the person who has offered to take them lives in N. Carolina, and it scares me to think of the boys having to fly, either as cargo or as passengers."

Fear not, hon. I flew my five cats (you met them all) via kenneled air cargo from Seattle to Maryland four years ago and they are all still normal (for cats). (I had to drive them from Maryland down here to Florida, though, but that was because of the time-of-year heat issues.)

My 'Miracles' DVDs haven't arrived from Amazon.com yet, but I have been warned to expect a scary surprise about 3 minutes into the audio commentary of the 'Paul is Dead' episode.

*hugs, as always*

[killabeez.livejournal.com]

My heart aches for you, and I will be so glad when the stresses on you begin to lessen. It's been a long, long time under a lot of strain, and it's natural to have a harder time coping when there's time to actually feel things and remember things. *hugs you tight*

[mystic-savage.livejournal.com]

I hope it goes smoothly in San Diego. Will give you a call next week.