Housekeeping

[gwyn]

Stuff happening all around. Today the furnace vent cleaning guy came and now my house smells like burnt toast. But hopefully rat germs are all gone. I find it funny, too, that the exterminator and the vent guy were both afraid of rats. I was more freaked out than afraid -- as in, cripes, germy vermin are in my vents and hello, I really don't want a case of rabies thanksverymuch. But the guys were both afraid of them. And I can't believe how much this has cost me. With all the money I've forked out lately, this has added to my debt load something fierce. And still no papers in the mail that will allow me to get some of the IRA money my sister left me, just so I can pay this crap off.

The Vividcon vid shows / suggestion ticky boxes (well, really, script, but I just like saying ticky boxes and radio buttons just isn't as fun) are up, so those of you who want to suggest vids for the VJs can now go do that! I found this really helpful for my first VJing experience last year, and even though I had most of the list already planned out, I found some great vids I otherwise wouldn't have known about, because I have so few opportunities to see things online (especially WMV vids, since so many people are using codecs my Mac refuses to play, even in VLC). I've already gone and suggested about one of my vids per show (not that they stand a snowball's chance in hell, especially the older LFN ones because no one has or wants to see them) except anime, since I don't do that, and then this weekend will start combing through my vid collections to suggest other people's vids. Getting the runtimes and the emails, though, is always the really really hard part. Since I'm very interested in older vids getting a shot in the shows, I want to suggest them but in some cases I have neither the material available nor the vidder. So frustrating!

I'm really looking forward to the vid show and panel I'm doing with melina123, on Vidding History. No! It's not about the history of vidding -- it's about the special considerations of making vids in historical or historical fantasy type fandoms (such as LotR). Things like song choice and editing technique can often make or break a vid here, and I'm really excited about the prospects for both the show and the panel discussion afterwards, plus Melina is a perfect person to co-mod with since she's the author of the most gorgeous, haunting, lovely LotR vids around. And I'm not exactly a stranger to historical vids, what with my teeeensy little Western and age of sail obsessions.

I finished my own vid for the premieres show and now need to work on the other things. This one was a little more troublesome than the last because I had clip capture problems up the yin-yang, but once I got a workaround, the process went fairly fast. I'm worried it'll be too twee and precious, but that's what betas are for, right? I don't want to fall into that "I can do intro text now, look at me!" trap.

Now I need to capture for other projects, but I've promised myself that I will spend a little time this weekend working on fanfic. Really. I've been feeling the love for Fast and the Furious really intensely for some reason, and so I want to find a way to get back to Ciudad de Estrellas. And yesterday, X sent me some cover art for two of my Buffy and Spike stories, and I'm so gobsmacked by them that I haven't even responded because I have no words and do not feel worthy. But one was for Measure of a Man, and it makes me feel like getting those words out of my head and onto paper. Work promises to be very busy next week, but I hope I can try to eke out at least a little text in the following days. Plus that Mag 7 story still partially written. I want to get over this awful, crushing depression. I want to feel like my sister wouldn't be disgusted with me for being so shatteringly sad. (I should be in a '50s movie starring Susan Hayward -- "I Want to Write!") I want to produce something. I want to not feel like I'm dead, or stop wishing I was. People keep telling me, who've been in this with me, "I have ups and downs" or "bad days and good days." But I don't have that -- I have bad days and worse days. And I want to have a good one again. I want to do something that has substance.

Maybe even a usage post. Who knows?

Anyways, go suggest vids, especially older vids no one thinks about.

ETA: Oh, and yeah, I know my LJ colors are really obnoxious. I just felt like having really outrageous colors instead of my sedate and boring pastels. And I hate the muted earth tones in a lot of the color schemes. It's just a mood swing; I'll get over it and have normal colors again at some point.

Comments

[sisabet.livejournal.com]

Right after my brother died - I didn't have any good days. I had a few good moments, here and there, that I could string together - but even the attempt to have a good day felt like a betrayal (and weirdly enough, not just to him, but to my entire family). I'm not gonna give you some tripe about time or I know what you've been through or whatnot. I am just gonna hope that you start having good days, or enough good moments to make up a day, really soon.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, and you know, I guess in a way the pain leading to vid production thing is good (sort of), but I wish I could channel it into mor ethings. It's just... at some point something has to change. I just don't know when. But I hear you about the betrayal thing -- sometimes to laugh just makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

I want to feel like my sister wouldn't be disgusted with me for being so shatteringly sad.

Although I never met your sister, I doubt she would be even the least bit disgusted with you.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Maybe not disgusted, but definitely annoyed! She was always annoyed with me. I think it's one of the reasons her friends think we weren't close and so they don't understand my pain -- we were just close in a different way. She'd get so exasperated with me when I was sad or worried about her. But she was always trying to take care of me. I really miss that, weirdly. The lecturing and the hectoring... I really miss it.

[meko00.livejournal.com]

Not to be trite, but grief takes time. Let it.

The colour scheme certainly woke me up, as I was about to fall asleep right in this chair. ;-)

I also wanted you to know that I really enjoyed your Magnificent 7 vid. It's utterly gorgeous, and I really wish I had the opportunity to watch the show as it didn't air in my country. I suppose I could buy the VHS tapes on Amazon, but I'd prefer DVDs. But then, who wouldn't?

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I know! Waking up -- that's why I picked the most electric colors I could. I just wanted to have that sort of eyeball jolt, hoping it might help.

What country are you in? Do you have a multiregion DVD player? Because you must see the Mag 7 episodes that are airing on Showtime, all pretty and many fans are recording on disc -- and I'm sure I could find a way to hook you up for some, if you're interested, and just for the cost of materials.

[meko00.livejournal.com]

Trust me, it does. Less helpful at 11.30 p.m. than in the morning or mid-afternoon, of course.

I'm in Sweden, and yes, I do have a multi-region DVD player. I'd absolutely adore a glimpse of it, as I really like the acting of Michael Biehn and Eric Close. Plus, they're very pretty. ;-) Wow. Thanks.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

If you can send me a private mail to gwynethr at gmail dot com, I can ask a friend who's been making copies for me of the Showtime airings if she'd be willing. I think for just cost contributions she would be.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

I want to get over this awful, crushing depression.

I'd like you to get over it, too because depression just plain sucks and it's something I'd only wish on a bad enemy.

I can't tell you when the good day or even the good hour will come. In lieu of that, I just hope you have a week of bad (but no "worse") days.


---
Oh, and why not have obnoxious colors every now and again? In this case it's funny because you know better, and I must admit that I laughed out loud when I saw just how incredibly, deliciously TACKY this is! I mean I clicked through partly to see how creative you got on this and ... I don't think I could top it if I tried.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

Of course, it's not like I don't want you to have a good day should one happen, but I just hope you don't have anything worse than "bad".

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

You know, if I could have gotten purple on top of purple, and fuschia/magenta on top of the hot pink, I would have. But they wouldn't register. SO I had to stick with the red. But it was so alarming and fun. Sometimes I will do anything for a giggle.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

fuchsia. Goddammit. They're going to take my copyeditor's license away from me.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I didn't know your sister, but I can't imagine that she would be disgusted with you for mourning her passing. Grief has its own timescale; I don't know that it can be rushed.

That said, it's oddly good to hear how frustrated you are with the depression, and how much you want to be creating things again. I figure that has to be a good sign that you'll row your little boat to shore sooner rather than later...

Also, usage posts, yay! I love your usage posts.

[aukestrel.livejournal.com]

At risk of sounding presumptuous, sometimes I think you have to ride out these feelings. It's no good beating yourself up for being depressed because then you beat yourself up for beating yourself up AND for being depressed and so on and... it's all bad.

Is there someone you can call or visit and, say, watch an M7 ep with? Is there a fave movie you haven't watched in a long time? Make yourself some popcorn and put in the movie. Give your brain something else to do besides beat itself (and you) up.

If the weather is good, walks help. Or something distracting like taking a beach blanket out on the lawn and laying on your stomach and looking at a violet in the grass.

I know it sounds stupid and pollyanna-ish. I go through monthly spells of crushing depression that Zoloft and Effexor only manage to remove the sharp edge of suicide from and I literally have to get up and shake myself away and go play with a gerbil or cuddle a cat or go look at a violet or call a friend, if I can. I don't know if any of this would help but... I wish I could help.

Hey! I know!

"What are the ladies like in TasCOSa?" Oh - look - I see a smile starting! There!

{{{hugs}}}