Joy to the world, my ass

[gwyn]

Monster #1: Still not dead. Still nothing much to say. The holidays have been harder than I expected, so hard that I am curled up in a ball inside, just waiting for it to go away. Christmas has always been a non-starter for me, but this one is turning out to be way more painful than I thought. It isn't helped by remembering that this time last year I was in San Diego, taking my sister out for what little trips she could muster strength for, trying to help her through her pain unsuccessfully, driving her so crazy because I couldn't do any of the things she had always done herself the right way, and I think she was glad to see me go then. And I bit back my normal sarcasm and just tried to help, but in the end she was just annoyed by me. I came across her resume that she had asked me to help her with a few years ago, and I was so mean to her. "Pick a tense and stick to it." You can't take shit like that back and you have to live with the fact that you were so mean and then they got sick and died and there is no do-over. And I keep seeing my friends list filled with people complaining about the holidays, about their awful siblings or their horrible mom or their asshat dad and it's all I can do not to scream at everyone, "At least they are alive." I know that people have awful relatives and I know how awful it is to spend holidays with awful relatives, but they are alive and they aren't suffering horribly and they're not gone yet so there's always hope. Even if your mom is a manipulative bitch or your dad is a blowhard Rush-lovin' fag-hatin' good ol' boy, they're still alive, you know? It has been hard to read and hear people complaining about something I no longer have. I would give anything to go back down and drive my sister batshit for another holiday. And yet people complain about having this thing I wish for so much.

Monster #2. I know it's not a competition, this creating thing. But it's tough when you're already emotionally fragile to work very hard to create something unusual, something you don't see every day, and a few weeks later someone else infinitely more popular than you'll ever be does the same thing, and everyone talks about their work as though they are the only ones, the first. It's like that cold wet water being thrown on you that you don't even blip on anyone's radar, that the work you do is insignificant. I know we're supposed to just be happy that we are spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars to share our creations with other fans, and get nothing in return. But I am not feeling the love for it right now. I feel resentful and angry and something else I can't quite put my finger on.

Monster #3. I hate everyone and everything. Well, almost everyone. There are a few people who are not making me do the head-crusher thing. But I don't understand people who can't be bothered to email you back. Who say they will do things and then don't, and you have to nag and nag and nag and they ignore you selectively and when you ask they say, "I can't help you" but what they really mean is "I'm too selfish and thoughtless to do anything." It's not that hard to hit reply. I know they are capable of it because they reply to unimportant emails and they post in LJ and they are out there, doing things. Just not for me. (and no, J.S., I am not looking at you) But I am just so tired of being The Nag. I ask and ask and ask about the things people say they want to do, and they refuse to actually do it, and in some cases lie about it. And I don't get it. I want to stop being "And in the role of The Nag, tonight's performance will be played by Gwyneth Rhys." It makes me as resentful and angry and something else, as with monster #2. I am just... tired. Even in good times I hate being the nag, but right now, it's worse. But people are so thoughtless they don't even consider that maybe I am not a good person to be made responsible for things right now. That maybe I could use their support, instead of their utter inability to act like adults. Tired now.

Monster #4. I think the vidding tick that bit me so hard this year has finally had its head pulled out of me. But I'm in the middle (or end, really) of a vid and now I don't know where to go with it or how to end it, so it's just sitting there. I actually have no idea what to do. But I feel like I have to finish it. This is like the travel bug that bit me a long time ago, where I couldn't get enough of new places to see and visit and then one day, the instant I stepped foot outside of Heathrow, the bug was gone and I wanted to go home. Right then. I didn't care about the rest of my two weeks, but I had to go through the motions and take all the trips I'd planned -- every day wishing I was home. These bugs always inconveniently leave at inopportune moments. I have all this work to do and vids on my plate, and suddenly I just don't care. Mostly, I'm sure, because of the other monsters, but I can't make them go away.

Monster #5. My writing group is dissolving, it seems. One of our mainstays is moving away and another has decided that writing doesn't interest her anymore. The newer folks don't show up regularly or with any ability to plan for what the group will do. Me and another guy might look for new people, but I don't know. This has been a really important thing for me. I've always been a very interior, very self-sustained writer who doesn't interact much with other writers, even when workshopping. So, stepping outside my boundaries, sharing my stuff, doing writing games and exercises that task my impromptu-writing block has been a wonderful experience, really freeing me up to new things I would never have considered before. I also got the opening paragraph for my novel that I will probably never finish writing in the group. It is hard to say goodbye, to watch it sink. Maybe it won't, I don't know, but it's been something I haven't been able to process well for the past few weeks. Kind of bitter. Disappointed, mostly; heartbroken, too. I feel lonelier every day, and this was one of the few things keeping me from feeling totally lost. If only there were polar bears where I was lost.

Though, there will be new Measure of a Man soon. Whoopee.

Comments

[batwrangler.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things are so very bleak for you; I wish I could somehow make everything better.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you -- though pictures of bats are eminently helpful! I adore bats. I think my neighbors are too insane and crappy to let me build some kind of good bat spaces when I rebuild my garage. But i would love to.

[batdina.livejournal.com]

did the post awful manage to deliver the package? (apologies for the silence on my end. dsl is being hooked up today so I'll get noisy again soon.)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yes! A thank you note is winging its way (Or should be shortly, I cannot vouch for the USPS). I thought about email, but honestly, my mother would roll over in her grave.

[falzalot.livejournal.com]

I'm just going to send hugs, and be thankful that I've only been complaining about Kaiser recently. :->

{{{{{gwyn!}}}}}

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

You have been through hell, though! I couldn't believe they kept you for so long and seemed to be so incompetent. I hope you have been resting and having people peel you grapes or something. And that you are home now. I don't know if I would have been able to stay in decent spirits if I'd been in your shoes (or bed slippers as the case may be).

[keiko-kirin.livejournal.com]

I send you a hug, too, and wish it could be real, and wish I could make the nightmare disappear.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Hey, do you think you'll be anywhere near a high-speed line anytime soon? Maybe you could tell me how to end this BoB vid... :-O

[keiko-kirin.livejournal.com]

I have DSL now, finally (since Friday -- I just hooked up the wireless). I need to remember how to log in to your vid site because I think there are ones up there I haven't seen yet. It's linked from Chez Gwyn but I need a password, right? I'd be happy to help with the BoB vid if I can. Oh, and I'm on a Mac now, so formats should be compatible! (DSL? Mac? It's bizarro-world me, all topsy-turvy).

[klia.livejournal.com]

::hugs and more hugs::

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I was thinking this morning that I would really like to join your writing group, except that I couldn't possibly attend the meetings for several more months. I'd like to write better but don't think I could get there on my own. If the group can hang on, I'll commit to it, but I unfortunately can't promise anything better than that.

I hope my inane chatter last night wasn't contributing to these monsters. I bitch about my dad because I do love him, and I do appreciate his presence. We had a wonderful time on Christmas day, too. I just didn't talk about the good parts because I hate sounding like I'm bragging.

I know we're supposed to just be happy that we are spending hundreds and hundreds of dollars to share our creations with other fans, and get nothing in return. But I am not feeling the love for it right now.

Man, I hear that. I almost made a tantrum-y "I'm never doing request icons again" post a while ago, when someone asked for a pic to be Photoshopped and icon-ized. I worked harder on it than anyone else, and had a better outcome, but the requester ended up thanking the five people who posted faster with crappier stuff. WTFever.

Actually, I did do a post like that, when I posted my last due South fic. A lot of people whined that I shouldn't give up, but even all those comments didn't match the flood of "they're so kyoot squee" given to another, more popular author who posted at the same time.

All this is why I'm not spending time working on any fic worth reading, I guess. I hope you're not offended that I've been sending my BHD and Jarhead stuff to another beta; I just know it's not up to your standards, nor something you're interested in reading. I don't want to work any harder on it because I don't have the skill and never get the results I need to keep going, anyway.

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

I wish I could say something that would help, but I can't. Just know you've been in my thoughts.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

Sorry everything's dull and dark right now -- or that these five monsters make it seem so. If there's anything I can do...

*hugs*

[http://users.livejournal.com/_jems_/]

I'm really sorry things are so rough for you right now. I hope things get better soon.

writing circle

[wolffire.livejournal.com]

I started and deleted a comment about this three times now. I'm torn about my own involvement given what's going on in my life these days. I have the same fears you do about whether the group will go on or not, and in what form. So, at least in that, you are most definitely not alone. Not sure what else to say at the moment.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Thinking of you. And wishing, not for the first time, that we'd perfected teleportation by now; how I wish I could invite you over for tea, and sit with you by our fire.

[mackiemesser.livejournal.com]

Holidays will always make the suck about 100x suckier than it already is. A platitude I will not follow up with "So bunnies and rainbows are right around the corner" or some other such shit, because it is so very much shit.

I offer my fullest sympathies for the rottenness of the situation.

[ann1962]

I would give anything to go back down and drive my sister batshit for another holiday. And yet people complain about having this thing I wish for so much.

As one who has been complaining, I thank you for this reminder about what to remember and why.

I wish you the very best during this hard time. I really am sorry for what you are going through.

[deejay.livejournal.com]

If you are ever compelled to just look around and scream something to the effect of "fuck it all, I need a vacation!" always know that my front door and guest room are open to you, 24/7.

[meko00.livejournal.com]

I wish life wasn't so rough on us all; losing loved ones is always so very draining. I'm fighting my own monsters at the moment, and I don't have anything real or constructive to say, but I'm here, reading.

[blue-larkspur.livejournal.com]

So sorry that you are having such a hard time. My thoughts are with you.