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Nov. 16th, 2006 02:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynI've been really sporadic in posting lately, and I'm sorry for the 5 Things I still owe people that I haven't completed. Believe me, I haven't forgotten them, I just can't seem to do anything except vid these days. Lately it's just been growing more and more overwhelming -- I keep getting more and more "special jobs" at work due to our copy chief being on leave and one of our copyeditors leaving this week, most of which require more hours, odd ones, on the desk. I feel like all I do is work and the pain in my arms and neck is so bad I sometimes can't handle it.
Normally I'd schedule some massages but I'm too poor from all the house improvements and the medical bills, which have finally stopped rolling in. If I could have had the surgery as it was scheduled, it probably would have cost less than $400, but with a stay in the hospital, emergency surgery, and two ER visits plus diagnostic tests, it's way, way more. Yeah, I have insurance, but 10 percent of a lot is... a lot. It's all stuff I never expected or budgeted for with all the other stuff I'm spending for the house. The money situation just piles on my already depresso state and makes it feel much worse. I love giving extravagant presents, but this holiday will not be blingtastic for anyone I know, and that makes me feel bad.
Emma is sick, too, and that means vet bills. Her thyroid is still down remarkably well, but she has ballooned in weight to 14 pounds -- she's always been a husky gal, but hovered around 11 to 11-1/2, now she's 14 freaking pounds -- and her blood glucose is too high: she's on the low end of the diabetic scale. We're trying a diet of wet kitten food, which they hope will bring her weight down and glucose levels down, but she's not happy, nor is she happy about the banana-flavored antibiotics I'm supposed to be giving her for an upper respiratory problem. Giving insulin to most cats is easy, really -- but Emma is not most cats. She's insane. I'm just worried about her. Ever since I heard my sister's cats died, I've been feeling more worried about losing her.
It's that time of the year as well, facing "celebrating" my lonely birthday, and I hate it. There's just no way to explain how I feel about this, how excrutiating it is to have a my birthday instead of an our birthday. I don't know any other twins well, and despite the support group, I feel so alone and there's no one to talk to, people try but they just do. not. get. it. The surgeon warned me that some people go through a serious depression following surgery, and I didn't believe that, but I've been much, much worse in the past few weeks than I have been since my sister died. I keep seeing her dying, I go to bed and I can't stop the images of her suffering, I can't stop thinking about hospitals and ambulances and my experiences are all wrapped up in her experiences to the point I don't know where hers end and mine begin. The last thing I think about and the first thing I think about is her, no matter how hard I try not to, and I cry all the time, even after my doc upped my meds. I try to talk to people and they just dismiss it, because they had surgery and they didn't feel bad... I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't, I just know it's wrong.
I feel so bad that I have not even worked on Measure of a Man for ages and ages, and the people who write to me about it have long since stopped being nice, they just want to know if I'm ever going to finish it, but I can't seem to write. There is all this other fanfic stalled out, too, and I know people don't care much about the vids but they do care about the fic and still I can't stop pouring my energy into vids no one wants or cares much about. I keep trying to write, I keep trying to read, but it just doesn't happen. Nothing happens -- all these things sitting here waiting for me to do and nothing happens.
And I just. I don't know. The guilt makes everything feel even worse, but the more I feel guilty, the guiltier I feel about feeling bad. I lost half of me and I can't find anything to fill the empty half. I don't know what to do but nothing's working. I can't even do that cute meme about fandoms as lovers. I read other people's and it just makes me sadder, knowing that I have hardly anything in common with most of the people I know because they're into things I'm not, and I'm still stuck ten paces behind, liking things other people gave up on long ago. God, I can't even do fandom right.
Normally I'd schedule some massages but I'm too poor from all the house improvements and the medical bills, which have finally stopped rolling in. If I could have had the surgery as it was scheduled, it probably would have cost less than $400, but with a stay in the hospital, emergency surgery, and two ER visits plus diagnostic tests, it's way, way more. Yeah, I have insurance, but 10 percent of a lot is... a lot. It's all stuff I never expected or budgeted for with all the other stuff I'm spending for the house. The money situation just piles on my already depresso state and makes it feel much worse. I love giving extravagant presents, but this holiday will not be blingtastic for anyone I know, and that makes me feel bad.
Emma is sick, too, and that means vet bills. Her thyroid is still down remarkably well, but she has ballooned in weight to 14 pounds -- she's always been a husky gal, but hovered around 11 to 11-1/2, now she's 14 freaking pounds -- and her blood glucose is too high: she's on the low end of the diabetic scale. We're trying a diet of wet kitten food, which they hope will bring her weight down and glucose levels down, but she's not happy, nor is she happy about the banana-flavored antibiotics I'm supposed to be giving her for an upper respiratory problem. Giving insulin to most cats is easy, really -- but Emma is not most cats. She's insane. I'm just worried about her. Ever since I heard my sister's cats died, I've been feeling more worried about losing her.
It's that time of the year as well, facing "celebrating" my lonely birthday, and I hate it. There's just no way to explain how I feel about this, how excrutiating it is to have a my birthday instead of an our birthday. I don't know any other twins well, and despite the support group, I feel so alone and there's no one to talk to, people try but they just do. not. get. it. The surgeon warned me that some people go through a serious depression following surgery, and I didn't believe that, but I've been much, much worse in the past few weeks than I have been since my sister died. I keep seeing her dying, I go to bed and I can't stop the images of her suffering, I can't stop thinking about hospitals and ambulances and my experiences are all wrapped up in her experiences to the point I don't know where hers end and mine begin. The last thing I think about and the first thing I think about is her, no matter how hard I try not to, and I cry all the time, even after my doc upped my meds. I try to talk to people and they just dismiss it, because they had surgery and they didn't feel bad... I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't, I just know it's wrong.
I feel so bad that I have not even worked on Measure of a Man for ages and ages, and the people who write to me about it have long since stopped being nice, they just want to know if I'm ever going to finish it, but I can't seem to write. There is all this other fanfic stalled out, too, and I know people don't care much about the vids but they do care about the fic and still I can't stop pouring my energy into vids no one wants or cares much about. I keep trying to write, I keep trying to read, but it just doesn't happen. Nothing happens -- all these things sitting here waiting for me to do and nothing happens.
And I just. I don't know. The guilt makes everything feel even worse, but the more I feel guilty, the guiltier I feel about feeling bad. I lost half of me and I can't find anything to fill the empty half. I don't know what to do but nothing's working. I can't even do that cute meme about fandoms as lovers. I read other people's and it just makes me sadder, knowing that I have hardly anything in common with most of the people I know because they're into things I'm not, and I'm still stuck ten paces behind, liking things other people gave up on long ago. God, I can't even do fandom right.
