Poor puddy tat

[gwyn]

The puss-cat has been sick off and on for a while. She officially got the diabetes designation in Nov., and we put her on a kitten-food wet diet for the high-protein, no carbs effect. That went well until she stopped eating anything, protesting that she wanted her kibbles back, dammit. Most cats, when they won't eat, will eventually give in. Not Emma -- she will just resist, and yowl ceaselessly 24/7 until I give in. She figured out long ago that screaming in my face all night long will get her what she wants. But I found her a high protein, lo carb kibble (yay, Evo!) and all seemed well, except for the vomiting. And the sudden spike in water consumption, again.

I finally took her in to have her glucose tested again, which was supposed to happen after a few weeks, not months, but I was broke, so... Poor kid, when they took her in to take her blood and urine, she saved them the ultrasound trouble by peeing all over the table. Anyway, they found blood in her urine, which was bad, but they gave me some antibiotics she doesn't want to take and they're going to do more cultures, because they found that she has kidney failure. He suspects pancreatitis, as well, and he says that a kidney infection would explain the Exorcist-level projectile vomiting (I'd only ever caught her puking on the tail end, but the other day I saw the whole thing and it was just kind of... shocking, how violently she was barfing. Kinda reminded me of my gallbladder episodes.)

Anyway, the vet was trying to explain to me that 75% kidney failure isn't as bad as it sounds, because you can donate a whole kidney, yadda yadda, but I couldn't really take everything in because all I could hear was the spastic little Gwyneth inside my head running around flailing her arms screaming, "My baby has kidney failure!!" or putting her hands to her head and moaning "woe, woe." I know everyone will now tell me that it's no big deal, liquid shots, whatever. But it is a big deal to me. For one thing, she's a wretched cat to give any kind of treatment to (witness the fact that if I give her antibiotics, I end up either wearing most of it, or with large chunks of my fingers missing and my face decorated with scratches). And another thing is that right now, treatments of any kind, illness of any kind, for people or animals I care about just about does me in. I'm not a good person for this, and I know a lot of it is PTSD and the treatments and surgeries my sister had and all, but... I'm not a good person for it.

Em's all I've got left, and it hurts to keep taking her to the vet, doing these awful things to her, and know that it's not going to get better. I'm going to have to keep poking her and forcing meds on her and taking her to the Place of Evil... arg. And of course, the bills. Yesterday was bad enough, but the future's going to be worse. This stupid BPAL addiction has sucked up all my money recently, and I very much regret that now. I know people would say I was doing something to make myself feel better, but it feels very foolish and I wish I hadn't spent so much on this. Or that I was going to the con next month.

Comments

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. I'm so sorry to hear this.

Please know that you're in my thoughts.

[batwrangler.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

[rainkatt.livejournal.com]

Gah. I'm awaiting Max's expensive diagnosis, so I'm right there with you. ::hugs::

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

It's so, so hard to do this to them, and they have no idea why you're torturing them this way... and they don't really know how upset you yourself are.

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm thinking of you and Emma both.

[viverra-libro.livejournal.com]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I don't think you're underestimating how unpleasant it will be for her to have to have shots and things -- some pets don't mind that, and some just despise it. I've had both types. I'm so sorry you're going through this. *hugs*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

thank you -- yeah, it's funny, I know lots of people who have cats who will take treatments, but I've never found one of those, myself. Maybe I'm just drawn to the difficult cases...

[dine.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear she's not doing so well - and that you're stressed as a result. I wish I could make it better for you both! *hugs*

[devilpiglet.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'll be thinking of the two of you.

[movies-michelle.livejournal.com]

It makes total sense that you would find this upsetting. Hopefully they can help her now that they know what the problem is, but it's always going to be stressful. Poor little Emster. *gentle hugs to you both*

[umbo.livejournal.com]

It's always a big deal when one's kitties are ill, and kidney failure and diabetes, while common, are not exactly a walk in the park to deal with. Sending *hugs* and hoping you can work out a good way to medicate your girl.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

The hard thing is feeling like you're a bad mom -- you do your best for them, but her overeating, all the things I've not noticed when I should... I feel so bad that even after all this treatment for things like the thyroid and such, she's still getting sicker. I was hoping she'd slide easily into old age.

[keiko-kirin.livejournal.com]

Poor Emma! I'm sorry to hear this. One of my mom's cats is in the same situation. It's heartbreaking and stressful. *hugs you*

[leela-cat.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry that stuff is incredibly hard.

Ozone was diagnosed with kidney failure as well, and she lived another two years without any of the major interventions, such as hydration. In the end, she died of cancer.

Our vet recommended potassium supplements and that really helped her. I found a kibble (Royal Canin Mature) that had a built-in potassium supplement, rather than giving her pills. I don't know how that works with her other kibble requirements though.

[morgandawn.livejournal.com]

were her potassium levels low? we just had Ariel's checked and her electrolytes looked good - it is her Bun/Cretinin and her red blood cells that are too low.

[leela-cat.livejournal.com]

Yes, Ozone's potassium levels were low. Our vet said that was the case in about 75% of the cats who had kidney disease.

[morgandawn.livejournal.com]

thanks for the info. Ariel still has a few good moments - and I am letting xlorp take the lead on how much intervention he wants to try. The vet will support us in whatever we choose.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I definitely would like to avoid the hyrdration thing if possible. For one thing, I won't be able to go away, ever, because no one can treat her except me. ANd for the other, well... it's just going to be awful to try.

I'll see what he says when they get the second culture back, and I guess I'll know more about things I can give her, etc.

[leela-cat.livejournal.com]

I agree with you on the hydration.

I'm thinking good thoughts and keeping you both in my prayers.

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

Aw, sweetie, I am so sorry about Emma. I know how you feel; it's like you can't keep anyone you love safe. It's a horrible feeling, but what's happening is not your fault. Trust me on that.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I know, I know! But it's still hard not to feel that way when it's your behbeh!

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know! I find this survivor's guilt thing fascinating, because when you look at other people's behavior, you think Don't be so hard on yourself! You're doing your best, & that's all you can do! And when you look at your own behavior, it's Slacker. Loser. My God, who put you in charge of someone else's care?

[mystic-savage.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

[morgandawn.livejournal.com]

hugs too. Ariel has developed kidney failure after 2 yrs of her thyroid condition. we're hydrating her every day. trying to persuade her to eat and we are going to try a new med that might increase her red blood cell. But xlorp and I agreed last night - that if it were just me in the picture, she wouldn't be getting the treatment (since I am unable to do a lot of it).

I am going to give you a website that has helped us - and like leela cat said there is a lot you may be able to do with diet alone.

http://www.felinecrf.org/index.htm

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Yeah, I think that's a big factor -- even though I'm in good enough shape to do treatment, I won't ever be able to leave her for a con or anything, because no one else can touch her. She'll come out for Jo or M'lyn, but she still won't let them do much beyond touching the head. Stupid pets. Why do we have to love them so?

[deejay.livejournal.com]

Hang in there, hon.

(And let me know if there's anything else in particular you're looking for, BPAL-wise.)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I finally got that package I asked you about. Of course, one of the imps had a bad cap, and spilled all over the Snow White. So much those $4 imps. Oh well. I think I will be very hesitant about anything with her in the future -- but maybe if I ever meet some other area bpalers, I can find out what she's like.

[fishsanwitt]

I'm so sorry.

::hugs for you and Emma::

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

Our cat lived for two more years with a variety of different kinds of insulin shots twice daily and the best vet care we could ask for. He got tested regularly for things like various infections, so he got dosed with antibiotics about every month that made him nauseous and disinclined to eat. He very quickly figured out that when he got his saline injected with vitamins every day (a steadily increasing amount of it), he felt better, and he put up with getting stuck like that with the patience of Job when he probably didn't much feel like doing it. (He had no qualms about tearing a new one into vets and vet techs, and he really had reason to hate teh Place of Losing Body Parts, so he could have injured us pretty bad, but he didn't.)
He wanted to be here enough to put up with our stupid monkey games.
We worked it on as a team to coax him to eat, dose him on a fairly strict daily schedule, and keep an eye on him. No leaving him alone for the weekend, for instance, that wouldn't work.
I know a lot of people who could not have done this, and some animals who couldn't have put up with it, and I would never expect it of them.
I'm glad we had the extra time with him, that he was so gracious about giving that to us.
I miss him now, of course.
Not everybody could have arranged enough people to carry on the dosing schedule or the budget to do this, and that's what it took to keep him in reasonable comfort by then.
If you can't do that, for whatever reasons, you can't. I can only advise you to try to be honest about your own limitations as well as those of your cat, and wish you good luck.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think that's a big fear factor for me -- being the only person she'll allow to touch her. It's such a huge pressure to plan your life around any illness -- a pet's, a person's, and I think that after my sister, I've developed this huge fear of that kind of care responsibility. Like I'm tainted or something. It's silly, but...

[nagasvoice.livejournal.com]

I actually think you've already been doing a great job under very difficult circs, I agree with the comments that we're hoping for the best for both of you, and that you should not blame yourself about any of it. You are doing the best you can, the best you can afford, the best you know how, and trying to be publicly honest about your fears, which is courage of a whole different order.
I don't know if any of us can fully understand the burden of doing this after other experiences that are so close to it, but when we've cared for a pet like this, we can sure appreciate the efforts involved, and the uncertainties.
Good luck on it.

[klia.livejournal.com]

Poor Emma! :(

*hugs*