gwyn: (ordinary day _silent_rage_)
[personal profile] gwyn
I keep falling down on my promise to post more. Everything happens so much.

The BPPV/head situation is continuing, long after most of the attacks have usually gone away. I'd been doing the exercises but they made only surface improvements this time: I can walk upright and drive pretty easily, but looking up or down, or turning my head at an angle in any kind of recline/looking up will make me wobbly for quite a while. It's made daily chores such…chores--the house was so gross so I finally had to vacuum and that was a study in Tilt-a-Whirl terror, and cleaning stuff like the sink or tub is a challenge I don't want to accept. I was in the store the other day and had to bend down to get something off a low shelf and then got treated to someone who thought I was drunk in public. I liked the idea a friend has: wearing a sign that says "not drunk, just wobbly." Anyway, much as I don't want to go in, I might have to get pro help this time.

I've been working away on my Cap Reverse Big Bang fic, it's up to 22,000 words now. No one said they're good words, but there's a lot of them. The artist is squeeful about Bucky's kitten rescue in it, so she might draw a second piece about that. Since the art is basically Steve and Bucky fucking, the sex scene was obligatory, and I don't know why but that made writing it about 10,000 times harder. I've made two editing passes--honestly, the first one wasn't even so much of an editing pass as a complete rewrite, almost nothing stayed untouched--and I hope I can make another, because it's such crap that it really needs more work. It's very plotty (I think the artist was unhappy at first because I was getting plot all over her "I just want a fluffy reunion sex scene") and I'm trying to make sense of Civil War as a canon-divergence AU, so it's very complicated and I keep finding plot holes and logic flaws that I have to correct--wait, no, if they do that, then they can't do this.

This is complicated by the fact that I have a book edit that came in late but they're not changing the deadline (yes, this is typical), and the fact that I'm my usual mentally ill self and am pre-emptively depressed about posting the fic. I'm kind of right in the middle of the posting schedule, and I'm seeing all these stories with hundreds of notes but a couple with only a few, and I know damn well that'll be mine, too, and it makes me feel…really bleh. There will probably be a lot of fic fatigue by then, and my SBB fic last year pretty much bombed, so it kind of feels like that, even with the well-run tumblr reblogging postings and giving the visibility we didn't have in the SBB. I try to get the brain weasels that eat me up about this off the hamster wheel that says "nobody cares" but they steadfastly refuse to move.

But I have to post, so I will. And just try to make it the best it can be, even if only my pals will read it. And I need to really get back to working on Celluloid Hero, which I had to put on hold, because I know there is a handful of people who are reading that one. Plus there's the Vividcon premieres vid. I've never vidded Star Wars before so this will be really interesting. I'm really looking forward to reading some of the CapRBB stories, though, once I finish with mine, though one of the ones I'm most looking forward to is coming at the end, [personal profile] sineala's 616 Bucky Barnes and Marvel Noir Tony Stark together. ::waves tentacle pom-poms in your general direction::

Anyway, that's what's new with me--weirdness and just being a dithering idiot and emotional basket case. How's by you?

Date: 2017-05-24 09:36 pm (UTC)
kass: Eleven and Amy hug. (hug)
From: [personal profile] kass
I send love from afar.

Date: 2017-05-24 10:04 pm (UTC)
batwrangler: (Covers for you)
From: [personal profile] batwrangler
weirdness and just being a dithering idiot and emotional basket case

Pretty much sums me up, too.

Love you anyway.

Date: 2017-05-25 01:50 am (UTC)
mackiemesser: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mackiemesser
The wobblies sound awful; you never realize how much you move or tilt until you have to not do it.

I,for one, am looking forward to your SBB! And now I'm thinking of the old Reeses adds: "You got plot in my porn!"
*is 12*

Date: 2017-05-25 03:47 am (UTC)
sineala: Detail of The Unicorn in Captivity, from The Hunt of the Unicorn Tapestry (Default)
From: [personal profile] sineala
*offers hugs*

I am looking forward to your vids and your RBB! (And I am very flattered that you are looking forward to mine.)

Date: 2017-05-25 04:19 am (UTC)
st_aurafina: Rainbow DNA (Default)
From: [personal profile] st_aurafina
Sends you all the hugs.

([personal profile] lilacsigil has BPPV, so I know the misery at least from the outside, but if you need help or survival tips or just plain old commiseration, please do ask.)

Date: 2017-05-25 06:56 am (UTC)
catwalksalone: mother and baby polar bear hugging (polar bear hug)
From: [personal profile] catwalksalone
Oh, man, it's still going on? So many hugs and all the empathy for you. Have you considered this time it might not be BPPV but actually labyrinthitis or vestibular neuritis? I really think you should get properly checked out. Some folks do well with particular anti-histamine (I am not one of them), and maybe a doc might suggest that? The good news is that it will go away, it just takes time.

Whatever you do, DO NOT internet it because it all turns into the usual scare stories and you don't need that in your life,

(If you're shopping, always use a trolley, not a basket to keep both sides balanced. Don't scan the shelves as you walk, stop and look. Fluorescent lights can make things worse, so consider wearing a cap with a peak or sunglasses in situations where you can't avoid them.)

Good luck! I always try to keep in mind: this too shall pass. Because it does, Hang on in there.

Date: 2017-05-25 11:51 am (UTC)
sperrywink: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sperrywink
Your wobblies do sound like they might need expert attention. Good luck.

I'm glad you're writing even if other things are pulled down by your depression. I find it always helps me when I manage to be creative despite everything going on around me and inside me.

*fellow dithering idiot*

Date: 2017-05-25 01:00 pm (UTC)
mlyn: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mlyn
I'm also still reading Celluloid Hero!

Sorry to hear about the vertigo causing hell. I hope you can shake it off again.

Date: 2017-05-26 02:04 pm (UTC)
minim_calibre: (Default)
From: [personal profile] minim_calibre
Ugh, it's still happening? I hope you can get some relief soon.

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