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Jul. 2nd, 2017 11:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gwynKeep meaning to post, but haven't had the spoons. I saw the surgeon on Thursday, and she seems pretty cool, as doctors go. My own regular doctor is so amazing she hasn't taken new patients in years, because none of us will leave her and we bond in the waiting area about how afraid we are of when she finally retires, so she's a hard person to live up to, and I'm not fond of going to doctors anyway.
It'll be a lot more invasive than I thought--I'll be in the hospital for 3-5 days. She said she has patients who live alone all the time, but that it's just helpful to have someone to do things like cat care or take me to appointments or just go get me a sandwich, because I won't be able to drive for a few weeks. There are tons of risks, of course, and that's mostly all I can think about, even though everyone keeps telling me about their relative or friend who had colon cancer and is fine now. Your mind just gets into a loop. She was interested in sending my information to the genetics lab there to see if they thought I should consider getting my ovaries yanked; the fact that my twin sister died of ovarian cancer at 45 was of interest to her and she said it's only just extra time in surgery to remove them, nothing else.
Apparently they can't stage the cancer till it's out, so no, I don't know what stage it's at and won't till after the end of August. And she was fine with me going to Vividcon; with the genetic workup it'd be a few weeks anyway before they would do surgery and that wouldn't allow me enough recovery time to go to the con, and she said she's had patients who were taking around the world cruises and things, so it wasn't an unreasonable request. If I was angling for three months, then she'd get worried, but I feel like I'm pushing it with two months. Her vacation schedule and mine overlapped, and the next available appointment after she got back wasn't till August 30, because all the surgery days were booked. Who knew colorectal surgery was such a booming business.
It's just…very weird to know you're walking around with cancer growing inside yourself for two months. All of a sudden everything my body does seems terrifying and suspicious and potentially deadly. People kept telling me the other night that there are all these people who can come help out around the house after I get home, but then five minutes later were talking about their trips that are happening at the same time, so that's something I still have to work out. All I have is a couch to sleep on, there's no real room for any kind of mattress, it's just not an ideal situation here. Not to mention it's all just so gross and horrible.
OTOH I now know more than I ever wanted to about the systems down there. And my god, the prep for surgery is so freaking complicated. Special drinks, special soap and showers to take, all this stuff to think about. I have to start calling around and finding out about insurance, too, after the holiday--I'm sure that'll be super fun. There are so many little things to think about--I have to elevate the bed, and fix the windows so that they're easier to open and close (it'll be hot out and we don't have AC much here) and probably make it more accessible to feed Blues on the counter. And I remember after the gall bladder removal how I had no appetite for weeks, and how slow it felt to get back to normal.
In the meantime there is work to do, and fic for different things. I'm going to add a tag so that if you don't want to read see these updates on your dash you can filter out "the cancer" and not read them. Last weekend was especially lonely and depressing, but I imagine there'll be more, I'm feeling extremely alone and hopeless, and I can't promise I won't write about that, so feel free to filter.
It'll be a lot more invasive than I thought--I'll be in the hospital for 3-5 days. She said she has patients who live alone all the time, but that it's just helpful to have someone to do things like cat care or take me to appointments or just go get me a sandwich, because I won't be able to drive for a few weeks. There are tons of risks, of course, and that's mostly all I can think about, even though everyone keeps telling me about their relative or friend who had colon cancer and is fine now. Your mind just gets into a loop. She was interested in sending my information to the genetics lab there to see if they thought I should consider getting my ovaries yanked; the fact that my twin sister died of ovarian cancer at 45 was of interest to her and she said it's only just extra time in surgery to remove them, nothing else.
Apparently they can't stage the cancer till it's out, so no, I don't know what stage it's at and won't till after the end of August. And she was fine with me going to Vividcon; with the genetic workup it'd be a few weeks anyway before they would do surgery and that wouldn't allow me enough recovery time to go to the con, and she said she's had patients who were taking around the world cruises and things, so it wasn't an unreasonable request. If I was angling for three months, then she'd get worried, but I feel like I'm pushing it with two months. Her vacation schedule and mine overlapped, and the next available appointment after she got back wasn't till August 30, because all the surgery days were booked. Who knew colorectal surgery was such a booming business.
It's just…very weird to know you're walking around with cancer growing inside yourself for two months. All of a sudden everything my body does seems terrifying and suspicious and potentially deadly. People kept telling me the other night that there are all these people who can come help out around the house after I get home, but then five minutes later were talking about their trips that are happening at the same time, so that's something I still have to work out. All I have is a couch to sleep on, there's no real room for any kind of mattress, it's just not an ideal situation here. Not to mention it's all just so gross and horrible.
OTOH I now know more than I ever wanted to about the systems down there. And my god, the prep for surgery is so freaking complicated. Special drinks, special soap and showers to take, all this stuff to think about. I have to start calling around and finding out about insurance, too, after the holiday--I'm sure that'll be super fun. There are so many little things to think about--I have to elevate the bed, and fix the windows so that they're easier to open and close (it'll be hot out and we don't have AC much here) and probably make it more accessible to feed Blues on the counter. And I remember after the gall bladder removal how I had no appetite for weeks, and how slow it felt to get back to normal.
In the meantime there is work to do, and fic for different things. I'm going to add a tag so that if you don't want to read see these updates on your dash you can filter out "the cancer" and not read them. Last weekend was especially lonely and depressing, but I imagine there'll be more, I'm feeling extremely alone and hopeless, and I can't promise I won't write about that, so feel free to filter.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 06:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 08:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 11:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 11:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 12:47 pm (UTC)That does sound like a huge amount to be dealing with. It sounds like you're planning as well as anyone could. I'm glad it sounds like you like and trust your surgeon.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 02:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 03:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 03:28 pm (UTC)Write about whatever you need to. I'm here to read it all, whatever it is. I'm thinking of you and I send love.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 03:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 04:13 pm (UTC)In any case, I'm thinking of you and hoping all goes well.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 04:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 05:50 pm (UTC)Some days it can be hard to think positively and not be distracted my the Not Good, but I'll keep doing it for you all the time so that you know that even when you're sleeping someone is thinking good thoughts for you.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 06:07 pm (UTC)Late August should be when we're cooling down some. We've got a floor unit AC you can borrow, just in case. Probably best for the bedroom..
no subject
Date: 2017-07-03 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-04 12:46 am (UTC)I'm glad to hear you're going to VVC. I'm thinking of you and sending virtual hugs.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-04 01:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-04 01:53 am (UTC)I'm glad you feel comfortable with the doc; that helps more than you would think in getting through a tough medical situation.
Though I'm not especially good at saying comforting things, I am really good with the morbid and black humor, so it you ever need that...
no subject
Date: 2017-07-04 05:23 am (UTC)Man, though, so very many details you have to tackle. It seems really unfair to me that on top of the diagnosis and the need for surgery, you then have to basically take on a second job as your own Medical Advocate and do so much strategizing. Like you don't already have enough to do.
I don't remember if anyone you know has ever used the CaringBridge website, but a colleague of mine whose husband was in an accident is using it now, and it apparently includes a personalized calendar where various friends are signing themselves up for volunteer shifts. I haven't seen the calendar myself, but next time she's at work I could ask her if it's easy to use or what. Might be a handy central spot for people to volunteer. Unless the high-tech friends are whipping you up a GoogleDoc or something, who knows?
*hug*
no subject
Date: 2017-07-04 06:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-04 06:15 pm (UTC)All the love and best thoughts, and I am with you even when I'm not here.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-05 03:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-05 03:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-05 05:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-05 01:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-06 06:27 pm (UTC)I'm so glad you're coming to Vividcon and am really looking forward to talking with you there *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2017-07-07 08:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-08 01:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-22 07:44 pm (UTC)I had pretty invasive foot surgery a year ago this month, and I was rather shocked to make a discovery: I kinda love being in the hospital. When I was a kid it was AWFUL. As in mean nurse force feeding me Cream of Wheat. Now private rooms seem to be the default, and it's TV, wifi and room service meals. Doesn't hurt to be kind of out of it. (Though I've recently found, after a flare of pain in my foot, that hydrocodone gives me insomnia, or seemed to be the case.) I hope your stay is a positive one too. You can lose your modesty pretty quick, which is rather freeing. Ms. Won't Leave Bedroom without a Bra When I Have Company went to free-boobing it when friends or my cat sitter came over. IDGAF about the small stuff is pretty helpful all around.
I hope you find a good Team You to gather around you beforehand. That will help too. <3