Understanding is the new black

[gwyn]

Hey kids, you know what's never a good look? Telling people they're wrong to feel their feels about their fandoms and canons. Take it from me, it's never fashionable--I'm a reformed "let me tell you why you're wrong to like/hate the thing" person.

Lecturing/hectoring/side-eyeing/being annoyed by people for how they feel doesn't work, for one thing, and it just makes you look like an asshat. Calling them names is even uglier.

What IS fashionable is having compassion for people who feel gutted by the thing they loved changing or losing someone important, or happiness for the people who loved it and have something new they're excited about.

Let people feel their feels. Then move on.

Comments

[batdina]

if I had to put in a nutshell why I'm no longer an active part of fandom, this would be what went into that nutshell.

[gwyn]

Yeah. I think the grownup fandom version of "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" should be "if you can't stop yourself from criticizing someone's feels, shut your mouth and move on."

[destina]

There have been a lot of exceptionally violent outbursts of feels and anti-feels, haven't there. Sigh.

[gwyn]

It's not rocket surgery!! Just...if you feel a different way or like, say, have a big theory about how Steve's story is perfect and here's why, and the other person is miserable, just keep your yap shut and let them wallow. Or if they're squeeing and you can't go there, find someone else who's unhappy instead of harshing their glow.

[lynnenne]

Take it from me, it's never fashionable--I'm a reformed "let me tell you why you're wrong to like/hate the thing" person.

Me too, and this is well-said.

[gwyn]

It's been so frustrating, reading this from even real life friends who feel compelled to lecture people for not thinking of the thing the same way they think of the thing.

[mackiemesser]

I think I verged on this a couple of times way back in the day, and it's one of the things I wish I hadn't done. I don't know why it seems to be in such common practice now.

[gwyn]

Yeah, I mean, it's not always a fun lesson to learn (though it was for me because I had a friend who literally slapped me upside the head once) but jeez louise, it's not that difficult.

[mackiemesser]

I mean, the learning curve on awareness of The Dumb Shit You Pulled Before You Knew Better is steep, but the availability of resources and the terms/language to help understand things is so much better now. So I would expect the time needed to climb that curve to be a little shorter, you know?

[muccamukk]

It's been kind of a rough month, hasn't it? I'm just trying to stay out of it at this point.

[gwyn]

A wise decision! I can't even remember a time when there were SO MANY implodey things happening at once, but we need some understanding now more than ever.

[ghost_lingering]

This post deserves to be printed, laminated, and hung over people's computers. I have definitely been that person and it's a terrible look that I hope I've learned to avoid. Very glad I haven't ventured very far beyond my own cut tagged posts re: Avengers yet. I learned this too slowly, but I did eventually learn that waiting until I've processed my own feelings in my own space before venturing forth can often be key to being calm in the face of other folks' having different feelings than my own.