I want to get away

[gwyn]

It's been weeks and weeks, and I keep trying to post but never do. Partly it's pain from typing, and partly it's just ~everything. Bulleted lists are our friends!

* Two someones gifted me with an extension of my paid account here, and I am incredibly grateful. I didn't mean for anyone to think I was fishing for that in my last update post, but I definitely appreciate it so much. Considering how little I post, I'm sure I could have gotten away with a free one, but I don't have to think about that for a while. I wish you'd tell me who you are, though, so I could maybe give you a thank you gift of fic or something!

* While I was quarantining myself because I wasn't sure if I had the virus or not, minim_calibre brought me some groceries and other things, and it was kind of hilarious because the first time, she put things on my back porch and I opened my kitchen window a crack, and we had a conversation and I wanted to cry. I hadn't really seen anyone in weeks except my neighbor when we were taking our garbage cans in, and I just miss min hanging around or going to movies with or what have you, and when she left I felt like we should do the Kirk/Spock Wrath of Khan thing, and put our hands up to the window. I felt like sobbing, "I have been, and always shall be, your friend."

* I had x-rays of my wrist and they showed I did have a break from when I passed out back in February. They had me do a CT scan just like last time, to determine the scope, and found I didn't have a break, but there is apparently a bone fragment floating around, so I don't know what that is about... But they wanted me to see the orthopedic surgeon, because apparently the arthritis in my wrist and base of thumb is so bad that I might have to have surgery, which I was freaked out about so much. Because I live alone, and the idea of being in a cast for months with a pandemic on just. Ugh. It's not like even when elective surgeries return, the virus just goes away.

* I did a televisit with the orthopedist last Monday and he turned out to not be a bad dude, and he recommended we try some other things first before we discuss surgery. I mean, I can't afford it, and even if Medicare survives long enough, I'm not eligible for five more years, so I won't be able to do any more surgeries any time soon. So now I have this specific brace and am trying OTC anti-inflammatories, then if that doesn't help,  maybe a steroid shot (didn't help with my spine arthritis, did help with my foot injury years ago), and other stuff before we try the nuclear option.

* I've finally had some work come in. I was beginning to think both my main clients wouldn't be publishing anymore, and was panicking a little, but first the magazine came in and then I got a book proof this week. The magazine takes forever to pay, and the book publisher doesn't pay very well, but right now any work is welcome, after all that time where things were on hold because of printing places being shut down in China.

* My mental health is all over the board. There are days when I'm flat out suicidally depressed, and days when I'm better. I have the most hopeless feeling about what's going to happen after this, because right now people are acting like they're bored with this thing and hey, it's inconveniencing me so who cares about the 76,000 people who'd died in this country alone, and just ignoring the facts. I don't see the country making any better decisions about its future. Which is part of why I am so quiet--I just don't feel like there's any future, but I don't want to get my depression cooties all over everyone.

* I have been able to see the local gang over zoom, but it's not a great substitute for seeing people in person. I miss hanging out and seeing everyone's pets and eating food together, and mlyn stopped by for some lilacs and I wished so much I could hug her at least but couldn't. And I have never been a hugger! But now I just wish I could hug everyone.

* Part of it is being cut off now from everyone--the bridge in and out of here is closed for years, they don't know if it can be salvaged for a short term solution or what, but once people start going back to work, getting out of this little peninsula will be untenable. It's already difficult, and when I went for my CT scan, it took forever to go south and then back north again, then across the industrial district to the freeway, and of course, the bridge went up so I had to sit there baking in the car, worried about being late. I basically won't be able to easily see anyone without having at least an extra couple hours or more to spare so that I can get out of here, and the bus service is so awful that I won't be really able to, like, take a bus to anyone's house without multiple transfers and riding it late at night through sketchy neighborhoods for about a four-hour trip. It makes me feel all the more hopeless, and no one will want to buy a house over here so there goes any hope of getting Seattle area prices if I sell to get out, which means I won't be able to afford anyplace that isn't, like, redneckville out in the sticks.

* I would like to sign up for intoabar but I can't figure out who to sign up with! I loved last year's, but I just don't know what to do. I'm also trying to decide if I should do the Marvel Reverse Big Bang. I miss it being focused on Captain America, but it would be nice to have something to work on. Though I asked about whether I should try writing this thing I've been thinking of for a while and whether I should post it as a WIP or not, and people seemed to mistake it for asking if I should write something and no one addressed whether I should do it as a WIP. ::hands:: I'm sure it'd be very long, and I'd be more likely to try to finish if I knew people were reading it. But I also know people often hate WIPs and then they never read them, even if they're finished, because they forget once it's done.

Anyways, it's gonna be 84/29 here today and everyone is apparently mowing their lawns so listening to that with the windows open is making me twitchy, and I should get to work on my book and stop depressing everyone. I hope you are all faring better, and am grateful for your updates. How is your weekend?

Comments

[muccamukk]

I hope the hand exercises work out well for you. I know a lot of people who need "elective" medical care who are pretty stuck right now, even if they CAN afford it.

I find the depression gloom kind of affirming? Like there's a lot of pressure to have our happy faces on right now, and mostly this really sucks? So someone being honest about that is nice.

I usually post as a WIP when I'm forcing myself to finish something. It works out 3/4rs of the time.

[batwrangler]

Huuugs.

<3

I finished crafting for an exchange and mailed it today!

[raine]

When it comes to WIPs, I've decided: fuck it, I'm writing this for me, and I'll post it anyway. But I usually try to wait until I have at least four chapters written so I can be 2-3 chapters ahead of what I post and can properly do the foreshadowing I need.

(((hugs))) I've been missing getting and giving random hugs to my coworkers, so I feel you there. Also, not having bitchin' party made me miss everyone so hard, so I feel you there.

[ratcreature]

Your depression level is rather relatable. I'm not doing well either. I can't even manage to read anything. :(

That bridge situation sounds untenable. Though the technologies for replacing and repairing bridges get better all the time. Maybe they will figure out some temporary fix?

Currently near my neighborhood there's a massive project where they are making a highway wider from six to eight lanes while also partly covering it, so it won't cut the neighborhood apart anymore (basically on a 1960s car enthusiasm high they destroyed the previously interconnected neighborhood). Anyway for that they had to tear down and replace a busy bridge because is wouldn't bear eight future lanes, but blocking that bridge and that highway with it wasn't an option, so they basically rebuilt it in stages bit by bit, switching prefabricated bridge parts out while most of the bridge lanes remained in use, except for two total closures on two weekends iirc, and some work during nights. It took several years, but now there's a new bridge. It was quite impressive. Though I guess it's harder if an old bridge is very damaged already.

[dine]

this is a horrible time, and I'm sorry that physical issues have made things more difficult for you. being isolated both socially and physically makes it worse.

please don't worry about spreading your depression cooties - anyone who isn't dealing with depression isn't paying attention. it's hard to feel positive when the future is filled with so many unknowns

[aurumcalendula]

*hugs*

[mackiemesser]

I have such a hard time with the "I haven't personally died, so why should I take precautions?" mindset. Is it a short-term history thing? Is that why no one understands that epidemics don't happen all at once and that second and third spikes can be worse than the first?
Tho I suppose I am just as bad because once my favorite jewelry store opens up (I am willing them to have been able to stay in business, dammit) I plan to stop by and buy a number of skull rings. Because I know my Danse Macabre, and we ain't done yet.

I'm gonna vote for WIP for purely selfish, please give me something to look forward to reading reasons.

I am kind of irritated by the relentless demand to endure with positivity. Even tho I am reclusive by nature, it's still a weight, and I'm counting it as an accomplishment if I achieve one thing per day. I set that fucking bar low and then I can reward myself for getting over it!

It has already hit triple digits here, and the city and county are taking advantage of reduced traffic to get all kinds of little road projects done so everywhere your go things are under construction. Which, is good, I suppose, because I have developed very bad habits knowing that without traffic it only takes about 12 minutes from my front door to the office.

[kore]

I am kind of irritated by the relentless demand to endure with positivity.

Boy, can I identify with this. I also worry about getting depression cooties all over my flist ANYWAY, so my health anxiety re plague + plague ACTUALLY KILLING PEOPLE is really fucking not helping.

[spikedluv]

This is such a Not Great time. Part of me is afraid that I'm getting too used to staying inside my house (aside from grocery shopping, etc) and I won't want to leave when we do finally get back to 'normal'.

I'm glad you got some work (even if getting paid will be an issue o_O) and that you've got some options re your wrist.

*hugs*

[monanotlisa]

...a bone floating around? Gwyn, that does not sound quite right to me. Generally, I counsel getting medical help earlier rather than later. For what it's worth, when I had my endoscopy at UCSF, everything went swimmingly, and I probably didn't contract COVID-19 -- could be asymptomatic, I suppose, but hospitals on the West Coast are not doing badly right now, I understand. :/

[rainkatt]

I'm glad that you have some work, and that the surgeon seems like a good guy.

Totally get the depression and frustration. I belong to a crafting group here that's a local spin-off of the county quilt guild. I don't quilt, but they've been generous about me showing up with knitting, tablet weaving, and spinning. Of course, we're not meeting now, but the mailing list is SO busy with cheerfulness that it's actually upsetting. (We've also had a break–turns out a few of them just don't care about the rules, and there was some yelling, and several of us won't be going back to the meetings.) (That was educational.)

I'm a hermit by nature, and we're muddling along so far in our retirement, but I miss seeing friends and eating out. Because we're old and have compromised immune systems, we won't be going anywhere major any time soon. SL does a lot of the necessary shopping; I've picked up some take-out and the cats' meds. Thank all the gods for his garden, and the fact that we mostly live on separate floors.

Virtual hugs if you want 'em.

[destina]

Don't have too much to say except *HUG* (virtual hugs are the safest of all) and here's hoping surgery won't be necessary! Plus, you know, depression cooties are proven to be 100% less transmissible than COVID, so go ahead and emote. *g* <3