To be determined

[gwyn]

I feel like my life is TBD right now. I cannot seem to focus on anything much except vidding, for some weird reason. (More on my stupid life later.) So, since I'm all but ADD except for vids, I have my new La Femme Nikita vid up at my site. (It's QT, 22MB, sorry for that but I still haven't found anything I like except MPEG-4 for both audio and video, and so my files are large. I'm a total quality Nazi, and have a hard enough time coping with the tiny pictures anyway, since I make my vids specifically to be watched on a large screen, and I don't like the options I have available, and the QT Divx thing won't even install the #$%$&@# player, let alone allow me to make a Divx file. So there.) The vid is to Sneaker Pimps' 6 Underground (Nellee Hooper edit), and it's kind of a look at what sort of cost Nikita pays for loving that man of hers, Michael, inside Section One.

The weekend was strange, up and down. sdwolfpup came down to my house to look over this vid file and help me figure out how to do the effects on one segment that was really troubling me, and that I couldn't feel good about as is. I had a great time, and I just like her more and more every time we get together -- I learn excellent things about Final Cut from her, and we gossip, and it's always fun. So she gave me just the right workaround for the segment, and I was able to finish it this morning, finally. Learning this was a long slow slog, but I think the vid came out way better than I expected it to, considering it was my learning new impossible software vid. sherrold says I dodged the bullet by it not making the Vividcon dance show cut, because she says there's too much going on for it to be a dance vid, even a slow sexy dance vid, so that made me feel good that I'd achieved something with the story I thought I might otherwise not have been able to because I had such difficulty with the software. Big, big thanks to morgandawn, laurashapiro, and barkley, too, for all the FCE advice they've given me in the months I've worked on this.

Unfortunately I had to take an older vid offline, but not that many people DL it; I will have to start taking things offline soon to make room for more vids. sdwolfpup told me about her hosting service, which seems to provide more space for less money, so I may look into moving it to accommodate more vids or something, depending on if they support the things I need. Oh, for limitless vid space!


Speaking of vids, sherrold and wickedwords showed us their draft of their Club Vivid vid, and it was adorable and hysterical, and the highlight of our local fan bash. It was nice to see everyone, but I realized by the end of the evening how weirdly hyper and yet exhausted I get around people right now, and I don't know if I need to start taking my sister's anti-anxiety drugs that I pilfered whenever I'm around people, or what, but the feeling is bad and I alternate between trying not to burst into tears and feeling really talkative and overenergetic.

Part of it is stress -- dealing with trying to find a home for the kitties, dealing with my sister's friends, all of whom want to take care of me but who are making things worse. And her one friend, to whom I'm very grateful for saving her life and giving us a few more weeks with her, but who is obnoxious beyond reason at times, started spewing her emotional vomit all over me this weekend about my sister's other friend, G, who was the main caretaker in this whole awful thing. How G is keeping her out of the loop (which is true, but since G's got power of attorney and she's pretty much representing me and my dad in San Diego, too effing bad), how G's friends who are taking care of my sister's house are being bitchy to her, blah blah... I was like, you know, I am really not the person you need to be venting to since I am teetering on the edge of sanity right now and am so depressed I can hardly get dressed in the morning. She may have been your good friend, but she was my freakin' twin sister, so please don't talk to me like I'm your analyst because I am in no frame of mind to hear it. It threw a pall over the whole weekend, because I'm having so much trouble coping with my guilt and my emptiness, and the last thing I need is for her friends to start bickering and quibbling and then running to me about it. When she starts complaining about how G doesn't like her and whatever, I'm like, honey, most of us don't like you, but of course I can't say that. When she's nice, she's nice, but when she's not, she's an unbearable drama queen and as Paul McCartney said in Hard Day's Night, a mixer -- she likes to start things and then let them flare up while she goes off and does something else. And when she drinks, she's horrible.

The money stuff is starting to happen, as well, and that's just dragging me down. The vultures are circling -- they check for probate filings, and then descend on you with loan offers and whatever. It's really depressing, and I don't have enough depression already, thanksverymuch. Dad and I are still trying to sort out the estate. I think that life these days is evil -- they expect you to do all this insanely expensive legal stuff when a person dies, and it's not like it's not already the worst time of your life anyway, now you have to spend tens of thousands of dollars for legal issues and be set upon by money people. It's just... sick how we deal with death in this country. There's no time for grief or despair; you have to be in court soon, so better get crackin'!

And I feel guilty about not writing fanfic, and about not calling people, and not doing stuff, and whatever. Yesterday I went to see Sin City, the first movie I've seen since the Pacifier, and it was great and I really enjoyed it... Clive! In red Chucks! Too cute. But I get so tired when people say "where the hell is the next part of ___" as if I'm supposed to be churning out fic, even when they know what I've gone through recently. I have no idea what I'm supposed to say to that. Gee, sorry my sister's death interferes with your enjoyment? I don't know. I know it's easy to say people like that aren't worth the time of day, but they're often people I know! Why vidding is something I can concentrate on, but not writing, is confounding, but there it is.

I want to wake up tomorrow and find out the Witchblade reset button has been pressed. That would be the bestest thing ever.

Comments

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

I feel like my life is TBD right now.

If its any comfort, I still catch myself saying, "When I grow up."

[varina8.livejournal.com]

I'm glad the vidding is going well. I'll try to sneak a peek at this new one tonight since you converted me to the Temple of La Femme the other week. Do I need to send you anything to be able to see it?

On the other stuff, I'm sorry everyone is making this time harder than it already is. If you don't have caller ID this might be the time to get it. The probate process/money stuff can be tough. Even when things are going smoothly and cheaply, it's easy to have some little thing cause a meltdown. I remember running into a glitch switching my mother's car to bring it to Washington. I burst into tears in the licensing office. It turned out to be a little thing, but we have so little resilience at times like that.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Other than QuickTime or VLC players (links to both on the vid page), just the password that I have here. Jot it down quickly and keep it safe, 'cuz it'll go away soon!

[par-avion.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry people are being drama queens, which is not helpful. There isn't anything helpful to say, really, so I'll just say that I'm thinking of you.

This made me laugh:

"Because that zebra gave me his gum!"

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/001257.html

Guy #1: ...and he just kept chewing and chewing. Man, I felt so bad.
Guy #2: Dude, why did you give a Twizzler to a giraffe?

--Astoria

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Heeee.

And hey, I guess I didn't need to have gotten in a bidding war with you, since you ended up in one with boniblithe! I'm so sorry you didn't get the chance -- maybe we can figure something out at VVC that I might be able to make for you, as a way to pay you back for all your generosity this year.

[destina.livejournal.com]

Just a drive-by hug to say I'm thinking of you. :)

[fishsanwitt]

::hugs:: Take care of yourself, first and foremost. It *is* insane the way you have to deal with everything *this* minute when someone dies. I couldn't even concentrate on what day it was when my mother died and they were asking me about the will and her newspaper announcement. I'm amazed we got anything done.

[meko00.livejournal.com]

Oh, I just saw the LFN vid. It's gorgeous, and it really reinforced how much I miss the show. I never got to see the episodes where Michael had short hair, so it was very interesting (though I have seen Roy Dupuis with short hair in other roles, so I know he's "able" to have it short thank heavens *g*). The music was a great choice, so evocative in that bittersweet way, and with that powerful scene at the break. And the colours, so sterile inside contrasted with the outer world (which is really the show, not only your choice, but still). I'm sorry, I'm really not good at giving vid feedback.

And I wish people wouldn't give you grief at this hard time. For what it's worth, I'm thinking of you.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I wrote a lengthy response to tell you that this is indeed wonderful feedback and you shouldn't say you don't know how, then LJ ate it. But really, that is so much more than most of what we get (which is usually just "nice use of vid clips") when we're lucky enough to get anything! (And people never seem to believe me when I tell them I'm open to concrit, as well)

I think that people just really have never had the chance to develop a vocabulary for visual things unless they're artists, or have gone through visual fields such as film studies, etc. So believe me, commenting on the colors and the contrasts of the inside and outside world -- that's good feedback!

Thanks , and I'm really glad you liked it. There's a very small audience will to watch vids for this, I know, so I'm happy that someone enjoyed it.

[umbo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm glad the vidding's going okay, and that you were able to enjoy Clive on the big screen.

*more hugs*

[zoerayne]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this crap; the corporate vultures are so insensitive about stuff -- there should be laws.

Many, many virtual hugs.

[caille.livejournal.com]

gwyn, there are some things you can do right now in regard to your sister's friends, and socializing in general...things that under normal circumstances might be considered harsh or self-centered. But these are not normal circumstances. When you say her friends: "...want to take care of me but who are making things worse....", there's the signifier.

If they genuinely want to take care of you, then they will want to do things that really will help you. "Backing off" can be one of those things. Are they calling you too much? Are they hovering? Are they trying to get you to talk about stuff, on the theory that ya can't get closure without disclosure? You could say, "Thank you all. You want to know what I need, and what I really need right now is to be left alone. Can you do that for me? Can you wait until I reach out to you? Because I'm grateful, and I may need to call on you, but right now I'm feeling like I'm going to break unless you all step back a bit."

As for this particularly troublesome friend, I don't see much alternative to you saying, "I get that you're hurting about this, and that things are difficult and weird for you, especially concerning these other friends. But I can't help you with this. I can't listen to you discuss it. I just don't have the emotional or physical resources to be involved in your dealings with them. I wish I did, because I know how much you care. But I cannot help you. Please, you need to discuss this with someone who is not me."

And for everyone else...don't even try to promise fic, or feedback, or even friendly communication at the same pace as before all of this happened. "I am doing the best I can right now. I'm definitely off my pace, and I hope that will change soon. In the meantime, I need you all to give me some room and some time."

I am so sorry about your sister. It breaks my heart. But she's not scared or hurting any more. Now it's about those of you who are still here. You can't help anyone, even your dad, if you don't take of yourself first.

[tavella.livejournal.com]

As for this particularly troublesome friend, I don't see much alternative to you saying, "I get that you're hurting about this, and that things are difficult and weird for you, especially concerning these other friends. But I can't help you with this. I can't listen to you discuss it. I just don't have the emotional or physical resources to be involved in your dealings with them. I wish I did, because I know how much you care. But I cannot help you. Please, you need to discuss this with someone who is not me."

I'm going to give a big yes to this. It's both your right and your responsibility to yourself to say "I'm sorry, I just don't have the emotional resources to deal with this right now."

[reginaspina.livejournal.com]

But I get so tired when people say "where the hell is the next part of ___" as if I'm supposed to be churning out fic, even when they know what I've gone through recently. I have no idea what I'm supposed to say to that.

I don't know, in these circumstances, it seems like "f*** off" is kind of the only thing TO say ... I'm so sorry to read that people are pestering you about FANDOM stuff. That's just ... crazy!

To the rest of what you wrote, I can only say that I hope things eventually get better for you and I'm glad you're at least able to do the vidding if it makes you feel any better.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

I don't know, in these circumstances, it seems like "f*** off" is kind of the only thing TO say ... I'm so sorry to read that people are pestering you about FANDOM stuff. That's just ... crazy!

Word.

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

I had a great time, too. :)

I just watched the vid again - those white flashes work great. And I meant to tell you that I love the part at 1:14 where the door quickly slides open. It grabs me. I'm clearly going to have to see this show.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

It's funny, I went back and used some more of that cool commercial and replaced some images, and I noticed that they did this thing in one place where they had a frame of that blown out white, then an almost negative white, seriously blown out frame -- but it was reversed! So I did that, and they followed it with two frames of blown out image again, but I just did it a ltitle backwards -- two frames of white, reverse image with somewhat white, and then blown out again. I liked how weird it looked. It's not the jittery thing, but I kept reminding myself, that'll do, pig. Becuase I could dink around with it forever...

It's a super cool show -- I wish I could pimp it to more people, but I've never really been able to, it seems. Only a couple people have ever bitten, but if you ask me, it's much more fun than Alias because it's just so full of misery!

[maubast.livejournal.com]

Just want you to know I think about you often. *hugs*

[black-bird-777.livejournal.com]

"But I get so tired when people say "where the hell is the next part of ___" as if I'm supposed to be churning out fic, even when they know what I've gone through recently. I have no idea what I'm supposed to say to that. Gee, sorry my sister's death interferes with your enjoyment? I don't know. I know it's easy to say people like that aren't worth the time of day, but they're often people I know!"

Doesn't matter. If this is truly what someone has said to you, this level of insensitivity deserves the comparable rudeness of "Bite Me." I don't think they're going to get sarcasm...

I totally agree with what Caille (sp?) above - you need to tell people what they can do for you. If you are clear and straightforward, they'll get it. You don't need to apologize for anything - just tell them. Of course if you tell them that later, that when you are ready you'll contact them, then you need to actually ask for that help, despite your tendency not to... But it's extremely hard to know what someone going through grief actually needs. People want you to tell them. If you don't, they can only guess.

I wish I could say something to help. I hope all the estate stuff will finish up soon, and eliminate some of the stress. Thinking about you...

[namastenancy.livejournal.com]

What Caille said! Many times over. Now is the time for you to set limits to save your health and your sanity.

namaste SF Nancy

[killabeez.livejournal.com]

Oh, my god, STUNNING vid. I'm so in love with it! I had to watch it again immediately - there's so much going on here. I love the quick-quick-slow rhythm, and how it makes everything feel like they're dancing. I love the pale neutral tones with the sparkles of color, and the places where you overlap/blur/use light flashes to make me catch my breath unexpectedly. There's a spot where you do that when Michael's raising his hand to touch Nikita's face, and the skip/missing frames happens right when he's about to touch her - what a cool effect, like he's suddenly pulled his hand back, and the touch becomes a ghost-touch. I realized I was holding my breath on the bridge. Exquisite timing on that part in particular. I think I learned some valuable stuff there.

Also, I want Nikita's hair, but that's nothing new. *g*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oh man, this is HIGH praise coming from my goddess of vidding! I think necessity was really the mother of invention on this thing -- I had no idea how to do the thing I started out wanting to do, and in my frurstration, I tried the additive dissolve effect just to see what it did, because it sounded like an oxymoron to me. And I liked it, especially the wider the jump cut on a scene, the better -- it had the same time of dissonance and jarring brightness the show often did.

I'm SO glad you liked it -- I am grinning from ear to ear for the first time in I think eight months.

6 Underground -- yay!

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

Wouldja believe it's taken me all week to realize that it wasn't that my headphones were broken, but rather that I accidentally hit the "MUTE" button on my keyboard?

Yeah, I wouldn't either, but it's true, and explains my tardiness in responding to your excellent vid -- I've only now had a chance to take a look (well, listen, but you know what I mean).

If I hadn't been reading about your FCE woes, I would have been shocked to learn that you were having trouble with the program, because this vid is gorgeously slick and glossy. And the titles look great, I notice. (:

I particularly like the combination of the shadowing effect you got from superimposition, and the bright flashes. I wouldn't have thought of combining these effects, would have said that it would make a vid too busy to use them both, but this piece remains subtle and polished and not at all overproduced or messy.

Not knowing the source, I know I'm missing a lot of the meaning of this vid, but I wanted to comment on its visual power, clarity, and stylishness. Lovely work, as usual.

Re: 6 Underground -- yay!

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you so much! That means a lot to me, coming from you, it really does. I'm especially grateful that you took the time to watch it, since I know it's few people's fandom and so I'm always excited and squeeful when people want to watch it without even knowing the fandom.

I know what you mean about combining the effects -- i was actually pretty worried about it. But the show itself used those flashing fast single-frame blown out effects, and they always did fairly interesting, heavy superimpositions, and I very much wanted to use those clips. So I ended up trying to find ways I could mimic some of those clips later on in the vid, just as a way to tie them together so they wouldn't seem so random. And then the additive dissolve thing was sort of my accidental solution to a problem of what to do visually with those rap samples that recur throughout the song. I think in some ways that's why it was hard for me to really grasp the program, because I wasn't going for straight editing, and I set myself such a high bar trying to repeat their own cool visuals. The show is kind of an education in cinematography and effects to highlight character.

And those titles look stupendous because of your help, and I think you again -- it is so nice to be able to ask people who know these things for help. I'm definitely getting there -- it's going to be slow, but I'm getting farther along the more questions I ask.

Re: 6 Underground -- yay!

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

I'm always excited and squeeful when people want to watch it without even knowing the fandom.

I will watch any vid you make, Gwyneth, because you're just that good.

But the show itself used those flashing fast single-frame blown out effects, and they always did fairly interesting, heavy superimpositions, and I very much wanted to use those clips. So I ended up trying to find ways I could mimic some of those clips later on in the vid, just as a way to tie them together so they wouldn't seem so random.

No wonder you got frustrated! That's really hard to do, trying to replicate effects from the source without knowing how they were made. Yikes.

You certainly did an admirable job. I can't tell the difference between the source effects and the ones you made.

it is so nice to be able to ask people who know these things for help.

I'm very happy to help whenever I can. Ask me anytime!

[voleuse.livejournal.com]

First of all, *hugs*. You're in my thoughts.

And finally, finally I was able to get the LFN downloaded and watched. It's been a while since I watched an episode, but only took three seconds of the vid for me to fall madly in love with the show, all over again.

I wish I could talk about all the technical stuff, but I'm not a vidder, so I wouldn't know where to start. I do love, however, the way you incorporated jump-cut-like things into the footage, which looked beautiful. And the use of that commercial was a brilliant idea, I think, as it highlights the issues of Nikita/Michael.

And! Just a funny, little thing, but I'm so excited you used clips from episodes I haven't seen. There's a handful I've never been able to grab, though I've spoiled myself extensively, and I kind of squealed when I recognized them.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you liked it -- one of those rare fellow LFNers out there! Believe me, you don't have to be a vidder or know the tech to comment -- the important stuff is how people feel, what they take away. So it means a lot to hear that I did connect with people in the audience -- and it's great hearing how you reacted. Especially since you haven't seen some of those eps -- are they scattered throughout, or were they one season? I know when I taped them originally, I didn't keep a handful of eps in the early seasons becuase I just didn't like the eps; later I wished I'd had them solely for vidding purposes. I never expected at the beginning it would turn out to be my perfect vidding fandom!

[voleuse.livejournal.com]

Hee. I think I'm missing scattered episodes through S3, and a whole chunk of S4. Which I don't mind, because it's always such a thrill to be surprised by clips I see in vids. ::crosses fingers for DVDs::