I don't want to talk about it

[gwyn]

I won't be doing a con report this year for VVC; i just feel too bad overall to do it. But I wanted to let my friends know I'm home, especially movies_michelle, since she saw what happened to me at the airport. I was already in a really bad head space from finding out that United had literally stolen my aisle seat away from me without telling me, and there were no seats left available except middle ones, and they refused to do anything about it. It was really depressing me facing a four and a half hour flight sitting in the middle with my six foot frame and everything, but then I had to catch the toe of my shoe on the curb at O'Hare and I fell, really hard. My right elbow is bloody and scraped and seriously bone-bruised, my hand is scraped raw and bruised, my knee (and my favorite jeans are wrecked) as well, my other elbow is bruised, I have a huge bruise on my forearm and thigh, and it hurts a lot, and my wrist is sprained pretty bad. Plus it's always lovely to humiliate yourself utterly and completely in front of hundreds of strangers and your friends from the con.

It was *much* harder to say goodbye to people than I had expected and so that added to my overall feelings of sadness. I don't know why I hadn't expected that, but it was tough. Me and goodbyes these days are unmixy. And the premieres show ended up making me feel kind of dumb. I felt like I had brought a VCR vid to a convention of professional filmmakers. The dazzle and the flash were the big themes of the evening (much of the content looked like it had come from pro editing marketing houses), and I'm not sure that slow, quiet vids have a place in this world anymore... I don't know, it just felt weird and bad. AMV has infiltrated the live action vidding world, i think, and I don't know what this means for people like me who have a different aesthetic... anyway, I have to think about it. It just ended up feeling bad for me, I had loved my vid and put a lot of emotion into it (I made it right after my sister died, so there are a lot of feelings tied up in it), and it was hard seeing how it didn't fit in with the rest of the themes and styles. I don't know. (ETA: Many people had lovely kind things to say about the Buffy vid; it was just mostly me who felt it was so lame and sad compared to the rest of the vids in the show and the reactions they engendered. I was in awe of many of those vids, and I felt very basic and support-hosey again.)

The panel went okay, but only thanks to melina123 and her great theory; I have no idea what would have happened if I'd had to do that alone. I loved seeing my friends, especially the girl talks in different rooms on Sunday night. But there were a lot of weird bad things that happened toward the end, and then falling at O'Hare and being crammed between smelly Dutch guy and face-plucking Chinese OCD woman (seriously, I don't want to talk about it), just kind of sent any good feelings spirallling away. My damn cat wouldn't even come out to see me.

I'm just tired, and sappy, and sad, and I don't think I could say anything valuable or important about the con at all. I'll put the vids up as I can, but I don't know if I'll announce them all at once or parcel them out.

Comments

[umbo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Glad you made it home *relatively* safely and soundly, and glad you got to see some friends.

*more hugs*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah, bloody but unbowed. Well, okay, a little bowed, but still... ;-) Seeing friends is the best part -- a lot of folks don't come to Escapade anymore, the primary con I've always gone to, so dealing with O'Hare is my penance for seeing them once a year, I guess!

Escapade

[recycledmedia.livejournal.com]

I'm seriously considering going this year - wanted to last year, but unemployment only stretched so far. ::sigh::

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry that your weekend had to end like that -- what a tremendous bummer.

I really loved your Buffy vid -- it was one of the highlights of the premieres show for me. I think there's a tremendous difference between making a vid which is slow, and making a vid which is measured, and to me your vid was measured -- there was a meditative quality to it, a slightly melancholy reminiscent quality to it, and to me that reads as slowness-on-purpose. So I see your point that it wasn't speedy or flashy like several of the other premiering vids were, but I think that sets it apart in a good way, and I heard a lot of people saying good things about it on Sunday...

[falzalot.livejournal.com]

Yes - what she said! Both Felicia and I *loved* your Buffy vid and kept talking about it in our party-room-that-never-had-a-party.

I'm sorry the weekend ended on such a horrible note, but it was so lovely to see you again.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Me too -- I really enjoyed getting time to spend with you and F, and just hang around and yak. I think this was my hanging around with friends and yakking con -- I really needed it, more than anything else. Just face time with good, good people.

And I can't wait to try out my DS dvds now that I'm home! Thank you again so much -- did I actually give you your copies of the discs? I hope I did -- brain like a sieve.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Ah, I wrote a response to this and I didn't like it, so I deleted it. Suffice it to say that I just don't think like the vidders who get the ooohs and aaaahs, which I think comes from the fact that I'm an old VCR vidder and I just don't see those things. A lot of people criticize vids, too, because a vidder doesn't make the vid that that other person thinks they should have made, regardless of the fact that maybe their choice was just... to make it their own way, the way they wanted it. It's a weird world, and I just am not sure where I fit in it anymore.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

A lot of people criticize vids, too, because a vidder doesn't make the vid that that other person thinks they should have made, regardless of the fact that maybe their choice was just... to make it their own way, the way they wanted it.

::nods::

I think you're describing what I call the ice-cream syndrome: the creator may have put forth some perfectly beautiful strawberry ice cream, but if her audience is looking for chocolate or vanilla they may only notice the ways in which the ice cream isn't what they were looking for (instead of noticing what a glorious shade of pink it is, and the bits of berry embedded in it, and whatnot.) Frustrating as all get-out, so I totally empathize.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's exactly it! I find it both thought-provoking and eminently frustrating, depending on my mood. The thing is, I can't imagine that any one vidder there would make any vid the same way, and so to say something like "the vidder missed because they didn't do X" with the implicit "as I would have" is kind of irrelevant. But the lines get blurry in situations like that, where there's this confluence of people with wildly varying styles.

I don't know. I think that's partly what I feel up against the wall about -- and when BNFs criticize you for not doing it the way they wanted, others tend to follow and you find yourself with a lot of people switching sides, kind of narrowing their eyes at you for not doing it "correctly." that happened to me last year and that's why I didn't vid again for over six months. It makes me wary and weary. ;-)

[recycledmedia.livejournal.com]

This is part of why I only went to VividCon once. I didn't feel like I fit in - felt way out of my depth. I vid to my own drummer so to speak and it's apparently a different band altogether. *g*

[dine.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry your con trip ended so badly, but hopefully there are some times and memories in there to treasure.

*hugs*

[lapillus]

*gentle hugs*

And yes, quiet vids DO have a place in the current mode, and judging from the various comments I heard around the con others agree. As one of the arrangers of the premieres show I cannot tell you what a precious and vital commodity they are when making shows. Stillness and contemplation are WONDERFUL after frenetic activity and your vid does both of those very well.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I think humor, too -- I didn't get a chance to do suggestion forms so I need to send comments to the con com, but one thing I hope we will always have is a comedy show -- it was a nice antidote to things. And that Tick vid just made my night, so I hope we will always have room for some grins amidst all the flash and dazzle.

[zoerayne]

*hugs*
I'm sorry for the crapness.

[nwhepcat.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

I wasn't there, and my stoopit elderly Mac won't play vids, so i can't comment on that part, but I'm sorry the end turned into such a suckfest. Air travel just blows these days. It always feels like a rare treat when things go well anymore.

As the gal who tripped on a tree pit in NYC and limped the whole trip (and got corn advice from a stranger in the subway), I feel your pain and embarrassment. I hope everything heals up quickly and you feel a lot better.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I hope someday we'll be able to get you up and running on the vid-watching, because I still have a Xander vid on my list of things to do, and you would make a fantastic beta viewer for that!

Corn advice? Honestly, that would not be the first place I would go to if I saw someone limping along! How funny.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

Gwyn, I'm wincing just hearing about that fall. (And here I thought I had the grace thing all locked up.)

Just crawl into bed and spend the next few days there ... except for hot baths and porn, okay?

And even though you're not a little kid, here's a :x to make it feel better.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Really, there is no one clumsier on the planet than me. I don't always see myself in relation to the space around me -- I grew so fast as a kid that I never really learned how to move and make clearances and such. I hate the fact, too, that it always hurts worse the second day than the first!

[fishsanwitt]

::hugs::

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

Okay, you need this. I'm tired of keeping it a "secret."

I'm making you a present. It's been in the works since, oh, April. It's a really big deal to me, taking a lot of work (including parking tickets), and I think you'll be blown away by it. I HOPE so.

So look forward to it. I'm committed to finishing it in the next thirty days, because then school starts.

And, *hugs*. Welcome home, I missed you.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Well, then we can trade presents! And watch the pretty DS pilot on DVD that falzalot made me!

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, you know I've seen the dS pilot, right? It's on the S1 disks and I've had them since June-ish.

But I'll still watch due South with you...anytime, anywhere.

Is that a March of the Penguins icon??

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

But *I* haven't seen the DS pilot on DVD! Ever!

I don't know where the icon pic comes from, but I got it from infinitemonkeys in a huge, wonderful, icon-raining post that is filled with nummy goodness. including this one!

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

Well, then we should most definitely watch the pilot on DVD.

Icon-raining post indeed. I was wondering where sisabet's "Woot!" icon came from.

I'm almost completely sure it is March of the Penguins. There hasn't been filmmaking done of the penguins down there at such a high quality, ever. (Have you seen the movie? OMG, so great.)

[morgandawn.livejournal.com]

Man, I thought my trip home was hard. At least I didn't have to fight with the airlines and the O'Hare pavement.

I really enjoyed having you as a roomie. S thought you waking me up was so very sweet. Of course, reports of my babbling about dreams of penguins with wings may also have contributed to his amusement.

Am now going to fall over and go boom. I have propped myself up all day against the keybaord - nice to know I don't need a brain to post to LJ.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

I am just enraged with United. I will never fly them again unless I absolutely have to. J told me that they do this to people all the time and when she was an agent, she had to take the shit for it. I did at least get the middle seat in an exit row, but I had to pay extra for it. But honestly, unless it's to use the flyer miles, I will never travel on them again. But I imagine falling down is in my future since I'm the clumsiest oaf on the planet.

BTW, the dream was apparently penguins with arms. Which I think is even better!

[minim_calibre]

Ugh. I'm so sorry about your trip home being so awful.

It's the jeans that stick in my mind as an especially cruel trick of fate, because I'm shallow like that. (And probably because a Target cart ate my sweater yesterday, so I was already filled with rage at clothing destroying accidents occurring outside of their proper slashy venue.)

Welcome home, though.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Sister!

I don't know why, but the jeans thing really pissed me off, too! I mean, the pain is bad, but it goes away. You can't recover wrecked clothing, though.

Stoopit Target. Stoopit O'Hare.

[recycledmedia.livejournal.com]

I accidently dropped my sweater in the Dallas airport a couple of weeks ago and it got caught in the revolving door which set off alarms and all of these security people came rushing over. And then I couldn't get it loose...very embarrassing.

[aukestrel.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}}

If you vid to satisfy a creative impulse inside yourself - or if you write to do the same - the important thing is that creative impulse, and honouring it, being true to it.

And you are doing that.

And, you know, there are many creative people who are "out of step" with their times.

{{{morehugs}}}

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

It was interesting listening to comments at the Challenge show to my vid, because one person said that I blew it on my vid. It reminded me that since a lot of the people at the con are vidders, they're going to look at everything through the prism of "what I would have done" instead of maybe seeing it through the vidder's eyes (not that that excuses bad vids!). And just as much as I can't "see" the things that they did in the premieres show, they can't necessarily know that we may have thought of what they think we should have done, and rejected it, because we wanted to make a different vid.

But I'm in really good company with people who share an aesthetic, so I try to remind myself of that -- they are my favorite vidders, and in the end, it's their stuff I watch the most, that has resonance, even though it may not be the shiniest or jazziest. (I will say that while I was awed and admired most of those truly mind-bending vids, they are not the ones I will watch again and again and keep in my heart. It was the quieter, story-focused ones that will do that for me.)

[aukestrel.livejournal.com]

FWIW, I haven't seen many vids, but I saw one that had, to me, a lot of resonance, and I saw it ca. 1999, mind you, and only once, but it stuck in my head all this time and I recently tracked it down and was even able to get it on DVD.

And the stories I like are like that too... they have a reality, a resonance, a *heart* to them that resonates with the reader. Like yours. ;-)

[elke-tanzer.livejournal.com]

*gentle hugs*

[commodorified.livejournal.com]

*via friendsfriends*

*hands over pirate bandaids and really good bath salts*


I think I've done two fast vids and two slow, now. Comparatively, in both cases.

To me, at least, it's about what SUITS. What the song and the story and the footage need. I adore beautiful, measured, slow, dreamy vids; and I like the ones that come at me like a pile of roman candles, too.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah. And you know, it was definitely the folks who had, even if they were fast or flashy, the deeper story that I took home with me. There was a Dead Like Me vid in the Nearly New show that ended up being my favorite of the whole con -- it was deeply felt and charming and emotional... that's the stuff I keep with me. I like doing the fast ones occasionally, and seeing what I can do techniques wise, but in the end, my favorite vids, mine or others, are always story first. What works with the vid style-wise is secondary once you know that story!

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

Ouch. Glad you made it home without any further mishaps.

Support-hosey. Heh. I would never in a zillion years compare your vids to support hose, but I understand sometimes feeling a bit out of step.

Lovely to meet you, though sorry we didn't get to chat more; I think we were both pretty scattered.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Here I thought I was going to attach myself like a lamprey to you until you begged me to leave you alone! It's the strangest con in that I sort of float around, attaching myself to various people, and then I never end up with enough time to get to the people I didn't attach to.

Thank you again for the article, and for all the words of support.

[deejay.livejournal.com]

Was so glad to see you (even if briefly) at the con.

Am so sad to hear of such badness you have endured of late.

(And, yeah, I hear ya about being a Model T driver in a race full of Testarossas.)

Feel better, hon.

*hugs*

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Yeah... and sadly, there were times I would have really liked to have been dragged away...

Keen Eddie

[morgandawn.livejournal.com]

someone saw your Keen Eddie vid at the con & it prompted this: http://www.livejournal.com/users/noelql/172644.html

[jackiekjono.livejournal.com]

I will probably have more to say about your vid later when I can rewatch it and I don't have all of the vids jumbled together in my mind.

It seems like every year, more people think that the vid they submit to the Premiere show should be the fastest,flashiest thing they can come up with.

It was nice to have a pause where I could process, appreciate and reflect rather than process, process faster, bleed out my eyes, have a seizure and die.

I liked every individual vid in the show. I like vids that are cut fast. I like vids that have multiple story layers. I like vids that are cut fast and have multiple story layers. It is really hard to watch two hours of them all at once and not feel like a zombie.

Next year, I hope that there are more vids like this one that are simple (synonym for elegant, antonym for simplistic).

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

There definitely is a competition going on -- it's a benign one, and I like the fact that we try to impress each other in some ways, because I think if there was ever an audience I'd want to impress, it's that one. But it's also very emotional and tiring, and I think that's where things get fuzzy. We have to judge ourselves on what we see, and I suddenly felt very small and incompetent, not worthy of the competition. I know intellectually that's retarded, but it's what I felt emotionally at the time. I hope the pendulum will swing back a little -- now that we've raised the bar on technical stuff (limbo!), maybe we can stop trying to be so breathless and dazzling and focus on the stories a litle more, or something. Simple, as you say.

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

I enjoy the flashy entertainment of the fast cutting, more recent style of vids, but I don't connect with them emotionally the way that I connect with the slower, thoughtful vids. I can't wait to see your vid when you put it up - I want to be able to feel the big emotion and linger over the images, not jump and spin and crash and bang. So you and I can sit in the corner together :)

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

That means a lot to me to hear, coming from someone who's so heavily involved in anime. I think that's something I feel too, and I say that as someone who deliberately made a super fast and assaultive vid for last year's show (Jo said when we started, "I want to hurt the audience.") But I don't always take those home with me, so to speak. The ones I treasure are the stories, where that comes first and style second (even if it is very stylish). A couple of people have mentioned to me that the vids were often dazzling this year, but they didn't feel fannish. And that left me kind of thunderstruck, because I hadn't thought of it that way -- i was busy being all "whoa!" at the technique and wishing I could be that cool.

You were very missed, btw. I'm so, so sorry that you were prevented from coming. {{hugs}}

[movies-michelle.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, I'm glad you made it home, but I was worried. I didn't even see you go down; I looked out the window and didn't see you, so I thought you had bent down to get something out of your bag. Then we saw you'd fallen. (And I was, litterally, on the complete opposite end of the airport. Of course.)

I think you must have gotten all of Lum's bad travel karma that she managed to shake on her way home, as she did not have any disasters, nor was she strip searched.

I hope you're feeling better today and aren't too sore. *hugs* I'll see you on Friday.