In the breakdown

[gwyn]

The young actor who played William in Deadwood, a character I adored, showed up in Numb3rs last week, allowing my new favorite clam (clam essay coming soon, I promise), Don, to engage in sensitive paternal bonding. That actor seems to bring out the sweet side of my wound-up-tight guys, because Seth was just as adorable with William as Don was to the kid.

Which just makes me want more of Don getting emotional. I'm scared CBS is screwing with the formula on the show to emphasize the FBI cases, but I want more Don losing his rag with Charlie stuff (like last year), or getting all worked up about a kid, or what have you. I love Don when you can see him visibly soften from his normal tightly buttoned-up state, like when he questions the people who've lost someone or been hurt. Also, they still need more running around with guns, and bring back the thigh holsters with the tie-downs. I need this.

Everything feels crappier every day. I feel worse all the time, and the closer it gets to our birthday, to the holidays, the worse I feel. I enjoy seeing my beloveds suffering or having the big emotional breakdowns I don't get to have. I like seeing the cracks in their relationships because I know that things will get patched up, being TV and movieland, even though that doesn't often happen in real life. Plus it's even better when the people having the breakdowns are hot guys who normally don't get to be that emotional.

Comments

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

oh ghods anniversaries. pure hell. it *does* lessen with time, but we're talking years, even decades. very much not the first one. (in my experience anyway)

have you something you can do just for yourself, that you'll enjoy, that'll make you feel... [word?] taken care of?

be gentle with yourself through the birthday and the holidays, cut yourself lots of slack, OK?

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

That's the problem, though... just for myself, alone... we were apart on our birthday only a few times out of 45 years, and on those times we called each other two or three times that day, and for many days around it. Our birthday is largely forgotten, has been all my life since it's on or around Thanksgiving here, and it never really bothered me much because that's the way it is, and I always, always had someone who would remember it, and spoil me with great pressies, and for whom I could buy pressies, something I love to do. It's just empty now. I just don't know what to do.

[ludditerobot.livejournal.com]

Can you explain your kink for quick-draw holsters? Why they're so hot? If I can get it, I might start making icons....

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

That is an enticing offer! Let me see if I can articulate something that is hard to put into words because it's so visceral... there's the element of the gunslinger, first of all. That sexy outlaw thing. Even though, of course, not only outlaws wore quick-draws and tie-downs aren't the exclusive provenance of gunfighters. It's just that elemental image we grew up with on TV and movies.

It's a lot of how the body is framed, too -- on a guy (or woman, thinking of Zoe on Firefly) who's in great shape, that emphasis on a strong thigh, the way the hip and butt are framed by the belt... it calls attention to that part of the body, the hip, pelvis, thigh just under all the naughty bits... it's highly suggestive. Not unlike how chaps, which for people riding the range or whatever are a very useful, prosaic tool, become something sexual for people outside that environment.

I personally find weaponry cool, too. I know a lot of people are scared of guns and don't like them, but I do. I have a healthy fear of them, and wish we had better gun control laws in this country, but I also understand the appeal of them, and I have enjoyed shooting them. There's something just fun and cool about wearing one on your thigh.

There's a thing Rob Morrow does on Numbers that I find really appealing, too -- it's clear he's spent a little bit of time studying this role, because he moves and stands the way a guy would who is wearing a three to five pound greasy weight on his belt. It's usually obvious that actors are wearing lightweight props (I know the prop guns are still heavy, but not as heavy as the real thing) and that they take them off the first chance they get. But Morrow really moves like this is part of his life, the way he sits and the way he carries his arms out slightly, away from his weapon. I really like that. It's subtle, but for people who know what it's like to wear a gun, it's a nice touch. I found the shoulder holster almost painful, but belt holsters aren't much of an improvement.

[zebra363.livejournal.com]

Sorry you are feeling so awful right now.

[morgandawn.livejournal.com]

I was watching liedourma's 98 Points vid (she's showing it a Bascon) and Don's clam-like aspects breaking down are something I have missed this year.

I am looking forward to seeing you in Dec.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

Everything feels crappier every day. I feel worse all the time, and the closer it gets to our birthday, to the holidays, the worse I feel.

I - okay, I know that was written about your very specific situation, and I don't want to co-opt your feelings, but that is the most concise, accurate description of this whole shitty process ever. (In my case, it's my beloved father, slowly dying of brain cancer that has already destroyed his dignity and most of his personality and takes more at unpredictable intervals until I just want to scream at the stupid fucking cancer, no, no, no more, you've already broken us all. Which, okay, that's likely TMI, but loving your phrasing without explaining why would be...weird. Weirder.)

I very much want to read your writing about your sister. I don't know if I'll manage to on any kind of consistent basis, because my reaction to my own RL wretchedness is to hide my head and read light, amusing, happy fic. But even if I can't read it all now, I'll want to read it all when I can, so. I'm glad you're writing it down, putting it up, showing it to the world. I'm impressed that you're brave enough to say this stuff.

I also want to say: I don't know what to hope for for you. I don't know what the best outcome of this process - this process of losing someone, surviving someone - is. I'm behind you, so much so that I can't even imagine what it must be like where you are, and that's without the very special circumstance that the person you survived is your twin. But, for what it's worth, I read all of your posts about your sister, and they made a huge impression on me.

Because of those posts, I think of both of you almost every day. I remember your sister even though I never met her; I remember that there was such a person, that she died, that she left behind people who loved her, because I believe that's all I can do for the dead. And I think of you, and hope you're still surviving. Because, as I said, I have no idea what else to hope for.

So, let me offer you a very sincere virtual hug, as inadequate as that is. And my thanks for writing about your sister. And, hey, if you have something you'd *like* me to hope for for you, well, the universe doesn't listen to me, but I'm willing to try anyway.

[gwyn-r.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through -- I knew from comments in your LJ that you were having some life issues, but I didn't know what they were, and to what extent. That your father is robbed of his own faculties is just so heinous. I know my sister was pretty much gone mentally at the end, but there was still a bit of her left, and I can't imagine what it would have been like to see her personality so destroyed (or my mom's for that matter). It's something no one should have to deal with.

Some days I wonder what to hope for for myself. I put on the brave face and I try to keep going, but I don't always know what for. Maybe just so I can connect to people, I don't know. You have my deepest sympathies, and of course virtual {{hugs}}.

[barkley.livejournal.com]

That kid was great on the show, and I do share your hopes of more emotional Don.

I enjoy seeing my beloveds suffering or having the big emotional breakdowns I don't get to have.

It's so true for me too. I think for me it's the control because it's OK to cry about a story because then when it's over, I'm done with it and it has nothing to do with me. But when I start to feel that way about real things, it's harder to drag myself out of it or to actually go there in the first place.