gwyn: (hearts wizzicons)
This was definitely the most active fan fiction year I've had in a very long time. A lot of people know that when my twin sister died some years ago, my creativity sort of died as well -- I've participated in Yuletide and made vids, but it's been a serious struggle to write. Downright agonizing. But I've plugged along, writing something outside of Yuletide for the first time last year when I wrote a little Loki & Pepper Avengers story.

And it was the same kind of year, going along, making vids, until July happened. I didn't expect it, but man did I fall hard for Pacific Rim. I was just obsessed, still am, and it's been weird, because I don't know anyone else in the fandom with my pairing interest that I can spend time around talking about it, or anyone who's at the obsesso level I still am at. I'm the kind of person who really needs to squee with people. Still, I have a third part of a story kind-of series coming up, and more vids I want to make, and I guess you could say Pacific Rim changed my life, because suddenly, for the first time since my sister died, I felt like I could create, I felt the overwhelming DESIRE to create, particularly in writing. I can't tell you how monumental that feeling has been, and I wish I could share it with people.

Yuletide reveal and year in review for fic and vids )
And I guess that's it? Not too bad for someone who's had such a hard time creating.
gwyn: (hardison swell day ruttadk)
So I'm behind on days, and I think that since the back half of the month is so sparse with questions, I'll just slide on all these front entries by a couple days. My thumb's a bit better today but wow, I still feel like I got hit by a truck.

[personal profile] nagasvoice asked: Talk to us about your experiences of fandom, what you love, what cheers you up when you partake of it, what drives you berseerrrker.

This changes a lot, depending on what's going on around me, and also it has changed a lot over the years and my own emotional journey. I think one of the biggest things about media fandom is how welcoming it was for me, much different than science fiction fandom had been. That's where I initially entered fandom as a general subject, but cons like Norwescon or Westercon, which are usually centered around literary SF fandom, at least they were back in the day, weren't quite as open-armed, and I think a lot of that was that they're more heavily focused on the mens. Whereas media fandom was so heavily female-centered that I was more comfortable entering it (though of course my first slash con, I brought my male best friend, because I was so shy and afraid of going alone). That is one of the things I loved best back then, and still do.

I love the way fans will rally to each others' aid when they need it, things like FandomAid when disasters strike, the way someone gets an idea that's basically "let's put on a show" and somehow it happens because a bunch of people jump on board and make it happen. That really putrid picture that the mundane media like to paint of fans as pathetic people who live in their parents' basement and all act like the Simpsons' Comic Book Guy? Yeah, we wouldn't get much done, like the AO3 or the OTW or Dreamwidth or Fanlore or Bitchin' Party or Vividcon or Escapade or any of the charities, if we were those people. I love that about us. I love that we get shit done, and we have fun doing it.

But there's also a lot I don't like, and lately I have to admit I'm really floundering with some things, particularly the subtle, offhanded racism, particularly in slash fandom. My friend said the other night when we were talking about this that of course no one wants to think of themselves as racist. And none of the people who are perpetuating this of course would ever admit to it -- as another friend reminded me, we insist that that's what the show or the movie gives us. And Sandy used to say, "Or we could just be racist fucks," and I think about that a lot lately. Because it seems like whenever there's a white guy slash fans love, they'll find some way to pair him with another white guy, rather than the black guy or the Asian guy that he might very well be life partners with on the show or in the movie. It depresses the shit out of me, especially lately because it's pervasive in my fandom du jour.

So I try really hard to focus on other things, like the awesome AU gifsets I see people do on Tumblr, or what little fanfic there is for my particular pairing and interest right now because much of it is really good, or the fact that Yuletide and Festivids are coming up, and there's so much creativity floating around out there. My thing lately seems to be me saying, "People are so shitty," or "People are so creative!" and I much prefer to say the latter. But I do a lot! Because fans, especially, are so very creative, and I'm always gonna be a fangirl, no matter what happens in my life.
gwyn: (keith mars infinitemonkeys)
Gah, every time I vow to post more often, I fall behind. LIfe's been kicking my ass in a bad way lately, though there have been a few light moments in there, like last Friday when a bunch of us went out to dinner at a fantastic sushi place and had the most amazing meal. Good company, great food, what more could you ask for?

But now I've got a huge book that's looming over me and I really want to just write and vid. Converting my vid files for my Festivid is taking forfuckingever. For a show that didn't last long, there are entirely too many episodes. I had no idea. I used to always post a story on my birthday, and I would really like to finish what would be the third in a Hot Dads sort-of series, but I'm not sure if I'll have enough time to work on it and have it read over.

I've also been really battling the depression that settles on me this month, the whole dealing with my birthday without my sister, and now there's December and my dad's death, and everything feels very lonely. I went to see Gravity last week, and wow, I really found myself wrapped up in Ryan's pain and isolation. The way she remembered the details of her daughter's death. I don't know that I got out of the movie what other people got out of it, because I was really focused on that specific part, but I respected it a lot and I'm so glad I saw it in 3D. It truly was stunning.

I'm going to try to see Thor 2 on Thursday, even though I shouldn't since I'm already behind on this book. But I feel like I'm the last person in America to see it (at least, among people who count Thor and Loki as fandom objects of affection).

I've been watching a lot of TV. I have thoughts on many things, but I wanted to specifically mention Sleepy Hollow )

But as for Almost Human )

I guess this is the hard part of finding yourself in a movie fandom like Pacific Rim, especially where your pairing is the smallest one out there. I keep checking for new fic, but there has been nothing for Team Hot Dads that isn't also an AU, has multiple other pairings, or is a crossover with something else. I'd hoped there might be more after the DVD came out, but so far, no, and I haven't really seen a lot of vids, either. This is where movie fandom sucks -- when you only have one film to work with, and you aren't in the dominant pairing, and you don't have any friends to squee with. I never could have foreseen that PR would make me so crazed, but it has, but man does it feel lonely.


Aug. 26th, 2013 01:01 pm
gwyn: (ordinary day _silent_rage_)
So there was a discussion in [personal profile] mollyamory's journal about idylls, and she wrote a ficlet for [personal profile] dorinda, and then more discussion about idylls ensued, and now [personal profile] arduinna created an Idyll Challenge on AO3 and it was all good. I'm so on this. Not that anyone is going to want my fandom (because I'm just pacificrimpacificrimpacificrimpacificrim all the time lately), but it's an excuse to get poor Herc and Stacker out of the war zone for just a little while, right?

Idyll stories are hard for me to find in the shows I tend to like. For so long I've been very grimdark oriented, or gritty cop stuff, and those don't tend to inspire that kind of fanfiction. And it turns out I haven't read some of the famous Professionals idyll stories, and the one I did read scarred me for life because the author basically yanks the idyll out of your hands at the end and makes you want to slit your wrists, which, if you ask me, is rather counterproductive for the feelings an idyll story would produce. Anyway, I think this will be fun.

Speaking of grimdark, I have been rewatching the first two seasons of Luther in prep for a) season 3, and b) making a vid. At VVC, I got into a lengthy discussion with [personal profile] cesperanza and [personal profile] mollyamory about John Luther and Alice Morgan, and how much I love Alice even though she is a dog-murdering psycho bitch from hell, a type of character I normally not only can't relate to but usually actively loathe. I don't know what it is about Ruth Wilson/Alice Morgan, and if it has something to do with her being obsessed with John Luther because who wouldn't be obsessed by anyone who looks like Idris Elba, but I adore Alice. Sometimes this disturbs me. Because, I mean, I don't really care if she kills human characters, for story reasons, but the instant someone harms an animal, I am out of there. And yet. So, disturbing.

Anyways, all this has made me want to vid it badly, but I also am having issues watching the show again. Jesus jumped up Christ on a sidecar that show is horrific. I mean, it's not a thriller or cop drama. It's pure unadulterated horror, moreso in the second season (and from what I hear, the third). I made the mistake of watching second season shortly before my trip to London and I swear I expected psychos in Punch masks to be stalking me when I was walking around at night, or guys with ball peen hammers attacking me in the train stations. It made me so creeped out, kind of queasy, and I NEVER EVER get queasy from fiction. I'm one of those people who can completely disengage from dramas or literature, and I have a hard time suspending disbelief, but Luther CREEPS ME THE FUCK OUT most of the time, even as OTT as it is.

I mean, yes, it's a very Grand Guignol theatrical horror, designed to disgust and shake you up, and to make John Luther look...well, I'm not sure. Put upon is something of a comical understatement; he's of course very Christlike in his suffering and need to stop terrible things happening to innocent people, even to the point where they've engaged in very crucifixiony imagery. But I have to say it's been very effective on me, which surprises me. I just really don't want to watch a lot of what they do. It's so fucking disturbing.

And too, I'm just really really tired of the obsession with serial killers and the increasingly Rube Goldbergian steps the killers create to engage in their pathologies. I mean, they're all just so elaborate and vicious and grimdark and what have you, and it's almost always against women and I'm just. so. tired. I watched this summer the English-language European TV show Crossing Lines, which aired on NBC and starred my beloved William Fichtner (as well as bonus Tom Wlaschiha, who was the only character I liked on Game of Thrones), and while subsequent eps weren't as bad as the first, OF COURSE the first episode that sets up their cross-European countries crime task force was about a serial killer who murders prostitutes in a particularly elaborate pathology. I just...I had really hoped something European would be better than that. Fortunately they moved away from it a bit but the bad bitter taste was still in my mouth by then. Everyone keeps trying to get me to watch all these other shows, but you know, when Dexter's done (thank god) this season, that's it for me and serial killers for a good long while.

Anyways, I still love aspects of Luther, but jeez, show, can't you just lighten up a little bit? Seriously, we'll still really love John Luther, I promise, and we'll still really like Alice even if we don't know why. You can stop with the hideous, increasingly byzantine torture of women on the show, we'll still watch. Really we will. But I'm skipping over a lot of those parts when I make my vid (if I can, because right now, I can't even vid with my dead hard drive), m'kay? Because you are causing me nightmares, show. And my sleep is already troubled enough.
gwyn: (steven & kayla ropo 80s)
Ugh, I haven't posted in an age. I was doing pretty good for a while, recovering from that flu and all, and then I kind of relapsed a bit and was battling the cough again and feeling run-down. I think it's the new medication I'm trying out, one that's supposed to prevent needing to pee all the time. Among the legion of side effects mentioned was feeling congested, sinus congestion, cough, and feverish skin. Yay. It was just hard to tell whether it was the drugs or relapsing. But it does seem to work at night. I'm not certain yet whether the side effects are worth it, though -- I mean, I still have to get up about a billion times a night, but at least that's down from a squajillion. It also makes me really itchy about an hour after I take it, just in time to flail around in bed.

Then I got a migraine on Monday post-workout, which meant I missed the Passover seder at [personal profile] belmanoir and [personal profile] mrs_laugh_track's place, which I always enjoy. And it was still there at the dentist on Tuesday, which made the ordeal of the dentist extra special fun, and also last week sometime I woke up with my jaw completely locked and in a wrong position, and spent about three days trying to get my mouth to open wide enough for food, and it's still really tender and slipping in and out of position.

They gave me the bad news that I have three cavities. I was so depressed. I have never had cavities until a few years ago, and I'm eating better than I ever have in my life and drink way less sugar and stuff than I ever have, but every time there is something wrong with my teeth. My fucking body is falling apart with age, and it sucks. Since I have no insurance, being a freelancer, this is all out of pocket, and I have to have two appointments, because my mouth is so small that it's really hard for me to handle lengthy procedures. I am really dreading Monday like crazy.

While I was sick, I was overcome with this desire to see Steve and Kayla clips from Days of Our Lives, back in the 1980s. And also their reunion in 2006. I don't know why, but it was obsessive, and when I looked on YouTube I found hundreds of clips of them, whereas when I last looked, probably about 2009, there wasn't all that much. I have been positively WALLOWING in Steve and Kayla goodness. I had tea today with [personal profile] sdwolfpup, and we were lamenting that state of being where you're just OVERCOME with feels for a pairing or a fandom, and no one else is -- especially if it's long past its heyday -- and there's no one to share it with, so you're just sitting there obsessively watching things and just DYING to share them with someone, but of course you can't, so they build up in you and you feel like you'll explode.

That's what it's been like for me for the past few weeks. I discovered a couple folks have made playlists of clips edited solely for Steve and Kayla's storyline, and it's just...I cannot get enough. And seriously, like I was telling SDW, I can draw straight lines from Steve to almost everyone I have loved in the past 20 years in fandom, or at least make a venn diagram where different aspects of personalities overlap in huge circles. He is like this crucible character who forged everything I want in a fannish BSO. (Like, I was thinking the other night watching Walking Dead that there's an arrow-straight, short line from Steve to Daryl Dixon. It's a lovely symmetry, or maybe a fearful one?)

I didn't even see the storyline with him leading up to where they decided to redeem him and make him an antihero and supercouple with Kayla -- so that has been really cool. He was a fucking PSYCHO, too, which is really entertaining. The only thing I'd ever seen was him kidnapping Hope in the Miami storyline in '85, where he ties her up and torments her, and I remember thinking, wow, who is THAT guy, and also why, if he's threatening Hope, do she and him have such awesome chemistry and a kind of strange almost-friendship quality? Then I didn't see him again until he told Victor he wouldn't follow Kayla anymore, and they beat him up and she found him and took care of his sexy wounds and made him take his eye patch off. I was hooked by then. So it's been such a hoot to see all these clips in the interim, of him coming to Salem, tormenting Kayla while falling for her, slowly turning into a good guy. I never got to see any of that at the time, and I thank god for the fans who kept those freaking videotapes all those years instead of, like me, recording over the good stuff.

I wish I could figure out how to DL the clips off YouTube -- the latest downloader I can find doesn't seem to work on whatever encoding YouTube's doing right now, and none of the tape/dvd offers I've found seem to have current addresses, or at least, no one's replying. Because man, I want to make a vid. The vidmakers are just...not very good, they don't have a vidding aesthetic, really, it's just throw long talky face clips at the screen, and I feel this need to make something EPIC and full of feels for Steve and Kayla. I'm going to keep looking, because it's like feels threat level red here, and it needs to be done, even if there's no one to share it with. Like SDW said, at least I'd have one good vid that I could watch over and over on my own whenever I needed a shot of EPIC LOVE STORY.

Ahem. Anyway, that really did help me get over my flu and stuff.

Now if I could just get over making my vid for Vidukon, which is due this weekend, arg, and my Club Vivid vid, and the work piling up, and everything else, I'd be good to go.

So, how are you all? What's shakin', bacons?
gwyn: (troy abed hug)
I had a sudden desire for some fic last night for a...pairing that's not...common, I think, and I searched on AO3, like ya do, and only six things came up and they were all either not really about that pairing or the pairing was one of about a hundred pairings and the fic was all tagged with these annoying Tumblr style tags that made me want to run in the other direction. There were two things I read, and they were not really about that at all. Whispers: is there any, um, Thor/Coulson fic out there in the universe? ::hangs head in shame:: Please don't judge me.

I also had this story start unspooling in my brain that was...uh, Coulson/Steve, and Coulson/Clint, and it was going pretty well in my mind as I fell asleep and I'm trying to decide if I should start writing it and see where it goes. Who the fuck AM I anymore? I don't know. I don't even know.

I'm also finally -- FINALLY! -- starting in on the Coulson/Clint fic that I asked for recs for an eon ago. And I've discovered a whole new squick I didn't know I had! Thank you, fandom, for helping me to find out how many things make me curl into a helpless ball of whimpering misery, even when something's really well written.

I do not have Panda Bear anymore. I had to give her back to the person who was caring for her when she had her pups. To say I feel like a failure is putting it mildly. But I could never stop her whining, no matter what I did, and she kept trying to run away (successfully on a few occasions), and wouldn't stop chasing Blues, and had gotten really bad. I took her to the dog park many times, and realized that she needed to be around other dogs. She would growl at people who tried to pet her -- or, well, anyone, really -- on our walks, which is tough because everyone wants to pet her since she's so effing cute, and the previous foster mentioned how she was a) silent, b) sweet, c) uninterested in cats, and d) completely obedient, the only difference being she has other dogs and I don't, and we realized she had to be in an environment where she wasn't the only dog. At the dog park, she was sweet, friendly, happy, and silent. She would make an amazing agility dog, though, I realized as well.

Cesar always says on Dog Whisperer that dog parks are not for exercise, but he has clearly never been to the dog parks here. They are so different in California, but here the dogs can run and run and explore to their heart's content. We did two miles at least at Marymoore Saturday, after she'd spent the day with one of her puppies, and she ran and ran and ran, to the point I almost lost her in the parking lot when she attached herself to a pack who were leaving. But it was amazing to watch her go. I hope whoever gets her recognizes that in her. And now I realize I missed the Westminster dog show...crap. This is the first time in years I've missed it!
gwyn: (justified raylan leaning)
Thanks to everyone who commented on the porting over my old stories to AO3. I'm nearly done -- I think. The worst one is ahead, which is my Buffy WIP that hasn't been finished. I found that there's something that prevents me from using the importer on a lot of my stuff (probably how things were coded before), and that one is gonna be a bitch. Blurg. But who knows, maybe it will inspire me to finish the damn thing. I'm sort of fascinated by the fact that I have so much shit from before. And how it basically almost stops after sis_r died. There's still the finished Fast and the Furious stuff from after she was gone, a Mag 7 or two, and a few chapters of the Buffy WIP, but outside of Yuletide and the odd Avengers story I wrote this summer, nada.

In a way, I'm almost glad because it means there's less to port. But if I could have had the choice to keep my twin sister and not write another word, I'd have taken that one.

I have another question, though -- what about some random Five Things little pieces I did by request a few years ago in my LJ? Would/should those be in AO3? I just don't know. I mean, I guess it's fic in a way, but it's not...well, it doesn't seem like real fic to me. They're just tiny.

I have another post at some point about Justified this season. This is the first time I can ever say I'm not unequivocally in love with it. This disturbs me, since it's the closest thing I have on TV to my old fannish obsessiveness.

Also saw Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters yesterday and have thoughts.
gwyn: (caution changes fooish_icons)
I apologize to the people who are subscribed to me on AO3 for all the postings that have come up of old stories, and will continue for a little while. My ISP seems to have been taken over by new people, who are now charging for the piddly web space I've been using since the '90s to host my fic. I'll be damned if I'm going to keep paying them for this, so I'm beginning the slow process of moving all my old fic, and in time changing my email address (which will be hard, since everything is linked to me at this space, and I've had this email for centuries). I never thought there'd be people subscribed to me at the archive, but apparently there are.

I'm really sad about this. Part of it's that I have inertia, part of it is that I'm lazy, part of it is a lot of other things: I hate the AO3 interface and have yet to find a skin that isn't butt-ugly or completely incomprehensible to me (and I hate the way the one I have squeezes my icon), though now that you can list things alphabetically and it ignores articles like the and an, that's a slight step forward; I can't stand that my lovely cover art from people like X can't be posted with/on my fic; and it's just hard to let go of something I've had for most of my fannish life.

But I've been paying a lot for the vids hosting site, and figure I might as well use the domain I pay for to have all my stuff in one place. It seems like a waste of time to even have somewhere to post things. If I was sensible I'd probably just take it all down and go with YouTube or Vimeo and AO3. Not sure why I'm not, other than that I have always liked seeing people's fannish spaces, and there's absolutely nothing about any of these other places that feel like "mine."

Oh, and I guess this is where I say if there are any old stories you wanted to keep from the web site, get 'em now. I think I'll get everything up to AO3, but I can't guarantee it. I can't even remember most of the stuff I've written.

Anyway, at some point I will catch up to all these things being posted. I'm only partway through the X-FIles stuff, and I still have all my Buffy crap to go. There is a LOT of fic, a lot of huge stuff there since I have such a tendency to write long. And a lot of them won't post in the importer, so I have to do everything by hand. Bleh.

I hate change. Change is bad.
gwyn: (teevee jim ward morris)
Things have been weird and hectic the past week. I got a new foster dog named Buffy (seriously), and she's been pretty neglected/abused, so it's been hard getting a handle on things -- plus the fact that our rescue group had a huge intake of kitties from a shelter in Eastern Washington, as well as more dogs in care than we've ever had before (there are over 100 animals in foster right now), so I wasn't getting much information or help on dealing with her. But I had to take her in for an evaluation and to figure out what to do about this growth on her foot, and they said she had mammary tumors as well, and a heart murmur (she also has cataracts, and they were figuring there would be teeth extractions). Poor kid. She lost most of the fur on her back due to a flea infestation/allergy. She's kind of a wreck.

But she had surgery yesterday, and I brought her home last night. I actually thought she was going to die last night; it was a long night. She was so listless and seemed to be suffering so much. I finally was getting into bed when she popped up and came over to me, so I let her have a little water and then we went outside for potty, which she was surprisingly good about. I put her "Adopt Me" shirt on and get her back into bed and covered up with a blankie, but she wouldn't take any food. Cut to this morning when the cleaners came really early and she was out there barking and dancing as they came in, seemingly quite hale and hearty. The blood seepage has stopped, and she seems quite fine. I have to very gingerly pick her up with all the sutures and stuff, but she wanted to go on a walk this afternoon, so things are looking good. Wow, she hates the cone of shame. I'm really afraid a senior dog in this condition isn't going to get any adoption applications, but...we'll see.

I was pretty stressed out about the surgery, but I went out with friends Tuesday night to the most amazing dinner at a restaurant called Copperleaf, in the most unexpected place -- down near the airport, kind of a class-free zone for most of my life. [personal profile] kerithwyn was in town and suggested it, as it's her favorite place, and so a bunch of us met up and feasted the evening away. I really needed that, because I'd been kind of making myself ill with worry.

Not just about the dog, either -- I had talked to my friend Keith and found out that in the past couple of months he'd had a kidney transplant and pancreas transplant. I mean...he never called to tell me that, and I had made him swear he would tell me when he got the call about a kidney, and he's been in the hospital twice for dangerous unexplained fevers, which scares the bejesus out of me. I was all set to fly out so I could take care of him, too, and I just... It's very hard to be far away from someone you love when such a monumental thing is happening. And he's far from out of the woods, so we have to wait a while and see how everything is taking, and hope for no more reactions.

I had talked to him right after I was vibrating with upset, too -- I got a new iMac a few weeks ago and finally started getting it set up this past weekend. I found out, though, much to my horror, that I cannot install Final Cut Studio 2 (FCP 6) on the computer. It won't install PowerPC discs, I guess, and so that meant I could not vid. I don't have the budget to buy a new version of FCS either. I found out that people have been able to get 6 to run on Mountain Lion, but they had to do either something with Rosetta from the Snow Leopard install discs (which I don't have) or command line stuff in Terminal (which I am not competent to do, and they warn people it's dangerous if you don't know what you're doing). In order to complete my Festivids, I'm going to have to keep my old computer up and running, but that upsets me and stresses me out.

I have always kind of felt borderline OCD, and I think I could easily tip over into that. My issue is having clutter and space -- it panics me when there is too much stuff around me, when it's disorganized. I'm typing this on my new computer, in fact, and I'm crammed over to the side of my desk with these two huge monitors looming at me, and cords everywhere, and it just kind of makes me twitchy and sick in my stomach. People I know sneer at me for my needing white space issue and make fun of me about it, but it's a very real stressor for me. I know keeping both computers around is the easiest solution, but it's very upsetting right now. And I honestly don't know what to do about this vidding thing.

I also found out, after the fact, that Apple no longer provide iDVD with the Macs. Fuckers. They believe that everyone's doing cloud sharing, I guess. There are so many FAIL issues with that I can't even. I wrote a nasty letter about it but I'm sure I'll never hear back. On the forums, people are so angry, but at least I found out that some people are buying iLife11 and getting it to work with Mountain Lion -- I hope that's true because right now I'm pretty fucked, and I have to make DVDs for things. I'm so filled with rage at Apple right now, and I've been a lifelong loyalist to them, even in the dark years. I get wanting to push the tech forward, but this idea that cloud use is the only future is just bogus bullshit. (And don't get me started on the whole issue of keeping your own content, service providers disappearing and lost content, and all that shit.)

So yeah, I was in a predisposed state of unhappiness when I talked to Keith, and then finding out he came pretty close to croaking...arg. I guess his kidneys (he has type I diabetes, and he's been getting sicker and sicker the past few years) were so bad that he was constantly sick and was a few weeks away from having to have dialysis. Scary shit, that.

To bring this around to obligatory day of thanks here in the US: I'm thankful for the foster dogs that have crossed my path this year, for the few friends I actually have left who keep me from taking a long walk on a short pier (especially for some of my friends I've met through fandom here, like [personal profile] killabeez and [personal profile] sdwolfpup, [personal profile] belmanoir and [personal profile] kerithwyn, you guys are the best (and I said this the other night to [profile] melina123, but if it wasn't for Killa, I don't think I'd even be vidding or doing much fannishly, at this point, she has saved my life so many times with this stupid hobby). I sometimes don't know what I'd do without all you people and my friends list at large. I am thankful, as well, that someone cared enough to be an organ donor so that in a time of tragedy and loss, someone else could get a future they wouldn't otherwise have had and stay in the world where they are loved and cherished.

I really battle depression most of the time, but this time of year it's especially hard. This is the first Thanksgiving I've gone through with all of my family gone, and I feel really lonely, even though in a few hours I'm heading up to have a gourmet dinner at killabeez and mr. killabeez's place. It's just hard to come to terms with the fact that they're all gone, and I'm the one remaining, the least competent to deal with it.

I think tonight when I get home I might, eschewing my Yuletide responsibilities that I haven't even begun yet, just watch some found family entertainment like Community and Firefly. Cuddle up with Miss Buffy and try not to be too sad.

Here's a pic, btw, of Miss Buffy (before I gave her a bath and cut some of the mats from her fur, so she's a little scraggly).
gwyn: (hardison swell day ruttadk)
Wow, we had an amazing thunderstorm last night around midnight, right over my house at one point. It's never like that -- the lightning is usually over the water, down the hill from me, or over east toward the Cascades, so having it right on top of us was a trip. I watched it for over an hour, and the cats were like, "What the fuck?"ing all over the place, but I was very excited. I loooove lightning from a safe distance. Poor Mr. Blues, though -- he'd just started getting back to his normal self after all the fireworks on the 4th, and still spooks a little too easily, and last night just kind of sealed the deal. I'm not sure how soon he's going to be back to normal.

I half expected Thor to arrive with it. Which is my segue into my subject line. So, I have no idea how this happened, but I've become quite smitten with Loki, specifically Tom Hiddleston's face. At first I didn't get why people were so enamored of him, but, and I guess it must be Tumblr and all the endless gifs of his face or something, but I'm all madly in love with him now, like fannish cupid has hit me with an arrow and I am quite unhappy about this! Because a) I didn't really want this to be a big fandom for me, super large fandoms scare me, and b) I don't get Loki at all, and I don't like that kind of character. I don't like maliciousness for the sake of malice, I don't generally like sociopathic behavior, and murderers are not an appealing type of character to me. I especially dislike villains who want to rule the world or enslave everyone or destroy the world or whatnot...that's always struck me as the lamest type of idea, and that's what superhero comics villains are usually all about.

So imagine my quandary. But his faaaaace. I love his ridiculous flip hairstyle in Avengers, and his absurd outfit and helmet (and I wondered all throughout Thor if anyone in Asgard ever wears, like, casual Friday clothes or anything, because they're always strutting around in leather and armor and full metal gowns and breastplates, and man that would be uncomfortable -- doesn't anyone ever just chill in godlike sweats and a t-shirt?), but mostly his huuuuge eyes and haunted gaze and his very large Chicklet teeth. Why? Why, fannish cupid, have you done this to me? Also, I really didn't like his character in Wallander and his hair was terrible, and so I kind of dismissed him long ago, and people should not suddenly bounce back into your interests like that. They should stay put. (Also, no I will never watch War Horse.)

So now I guess it's official that I love everyone in Avengers, sigh. Large fandoms with huuuuuge back story and canon really worry me -- I'd love to write, but I don't know enough to know if I'd just be doing something already done, and I can't wade through lots of fic because I don't have enough time to read my work, as it is. Bleh. I suppose I'm going to have to get icons.

Fitness training continues apace. My IT band is really problematic. I feel really unmotivated and I have to leave in about a half hour for today's session, and I really battled that on Friday. I'm not sure what to do -- I guess I'm already tired of it. I have to keep focusing on that dress for VVC and my clothes closet and being able to sit at my computer.

Here's two very different types of heliconia at the McBryde Garden:
gwyn: (dean pelton)
Last night, Olive stayed out all night (when the weather finally turns nice, she will do this, like, she can't believe it's nice out finally or something). I get so worried. I didn't get to bed till after 2, and I always have trouble sleeping when she won't come in, so I get up constantly to call her. The last time I did, I heard birds tweeting and the sky was that incredible shade of deep blue where you know there's a bit of light, but it's still twilight out. I couldn't figure it out -- I hadn't been in bed that long. Then I realized, oh yeah, it's summer solstice, shortest day of the year. Amazing!

So, I haven't paid much attention at all to the fic that poured forth from the Avengers mania, but reading [personal profile] belmanoir's Thor/Loki roadtrip series is making me want to read more. I think, honestly, there's not a pairing I wouldn't like, but I'm especially interested in Coulson/anybody (I can't even tell you how much I adore Coulson. He is my new fictional spiritual fiance -- I would never leave him like that ungrateful cellist!), Clint and Natasha together, and Clint with whomever or Natasha with whomever, as long as she's not portrayed as weaker. I could also do Loki if someone's good at explaining him. But honestly, I like them all (science bros!). I'm afraid, though, to walk unprotected into these waters. I would love some recs. Stuff I like -- angst (real angst, not OMG I Have a Hangnail "angst"), hurt/comfort, road trips, plotty save the world stuff, and most of all, cracking dialog. I do not like kink stuff, bdsm, anything with babies, or heavy AUs (I like "what-if" AUs, where one small change alters the course of everything, but there better be some consequences). Actually, now that I mention it, I love stories with stakes -- no, not the Buffy kind, the kind where things are at stake, where there are consequences to things. I enjoyed the Thor, Cap, and first Iron Man movies, though I didn't think they were the genius works everyone else thought they were, so characters from those are fine (Peggy! Bucky!). Also, spelling and grammar really count with me. What would you rec for someone with my requirements? Anything?

I need to get started on my 100 things challenge. I will!

And here are the pics of the day from Hawaii.

Anole lizard
Anole lizard
Anole lizards around the McBryde Gardens at the National Botanical Gardens on Kauai.
gwyn: (changry grosserpepper)
All day today and yesterday, I've been in this seriously annoyed space. I'm just cranky about almost everything. It started when I was looking up some stuff on Fanlore for preparing this Media Cannibals site, and I discovered someone had slapped a label on one of my old vids (that isn't even online, yeesh), and it's continued through trying to work on my CVV vid (WHY can my clips of Yentl not work in any format? Why must they keep scaling despite my best efforts to bring them to 100 percent? WHY SO DIFFICULT?), and my neighbor has had contractors engaged in ceaseless jackhammering under my window for days now and I can't block the sound out beyond muffling it a tiny bit.

I just can't pinpoint why things are making me so crabby. I'm mildly work-stressed, but that's not it. The jackhammering, maybe, because it's coupled with every fucking morning getting a wakeup call from her doberman pup with his endless barking. But usually I get on with the day. Last week I had gone downtown for the dentist (not cheap -- it's 8 dollars just to park for an hour and a half, and I don't have insurance, so I have to pay for my cleanings) and they had moved my appointment off the books for some bizarre reason, and I was so pissed I walked out without rescheduling. I'm feeling poor, which always makes me testy (thank you VVC for emptying my pockets!), but that was worse than I usually react to people messing my day up.

I'm cranky about the fanlore thing for some reason. Someone at some point slapped a label on my old vid that follows David Duchovny in his kind of girly roles with "genderfuck," and it really pissed me off. I hate labels, I don't label my stories or use warnings (except for stories containing major character death, because my friends hate stories with death and I like my friends), and it just really irks me that someone feels they can slap a label that I feel is so reductive on my vid without asking me. No one is going to see it, no one is going to look up info for tape 4 or whatever, I know this, and logically it doesn't make sense to be pissed about it, but I am. Is it that I don't like the term, because I think it's reductive? Is it that I don't like someone I don't know slapping things on my stuff? Is it that I wasn't asked? ::shakes fists at sky:: I don't know!

I can take it off, but since I don't know who put it there or why, it'll just come back again (that's my main reason I haven't been active on fanlore for a long time; the fact that you can make factual changes or clean/clear something up, and someone can just come in and mess it all up once you're done is frustrating to someone who makes her living correcting errors) most likely. I need to do some cleanup to some things about Sandy and the MCs that I've seen in the pages, but you never really know what else will come along after you've done that. I don't know why people love labels so much in fandom. I have a love/hate relationship with tags -- I love them when they tell me that a story is, for instance, Michael/Mahone slash, but when they start getting into labels that codify something complex with simplistic words, then I get all "bleh" about them. It gives me a headache. But I don't know why! I want someone to come along who can explain my crabbiness to me. This is something I would have talked to Sandy about and she would have made me laugh at myself and decrabbify.

:: is now crabby AND sad::
gwyn: (don and coop raeyashi)
(For some reason, none of my recent DW posts are cross-posting.)

No doubt a lot of you have seen the posts about Sandy [ profile] sherrold today, whom we often typed as Snady (if you see people referring to her that way, don't freak -- it was a thing). For those who haven't seen the others posts, [ profile] movies_michelle has an update here with some info on things you can do, and why it's been so quiet about this. I hope people can understand how difficult it's been to watch this unfold, and how much those of us in town wanted to respect privacy, and also, simply, that we had hoped this was just a temporary setback.

I was talking about this yesterday with some other fans -- how, even though she and I lived ten minutes away from each other, and saw each other all the time, I didn't really enjoy going to cons when she wasn't there. Which is completely nuts, but as so many others have noted, she IS fandom to a lot of people, and her presence at a con was undeniable. You could hear here everywhere, her loud laugh (she once joked to me, the first time I had the Media Cannibals at my house, "Now you know why everyone wishes I came with a volume button!"), her infectious enthusiasm. And up till, really, two days ago, she was still planning to go to VVC. And who knows? Maybe she will. She has gone far beyond their predictions many times already in this.

Snady is the very definition of the phrase "force of nature." When we started hanging out, she welcomed me in and let me participate in making vids with the group, and even though for years we bickered and quibbled about things, she was always this person who meant so much to me that the bickering and quibbling weren't enough to drivve me away. And she and I made good vids together! I loved working with her on them, and I always, always learned something I never thought of before.

One thing I don't think many people realize is how influential she has been even to vidders who don't know her. Sandy was one of the early vidders who pushed this fannish art form into new directions, did things no one else had done previously. Her ideas about technique and style and theme have flown down to younger vidders, and they don't even know it. I wish more than anything I could spread that word -- that a lot of what many of us do right now came about because of Sandy pushing those envelopes back in the days when we made vids with bearskins and knives. Sandy is the original vidding hipster, babies.

I chatted with her yesterday and told her about remastering Hair and the new Media Cannibals site we're putting up with all the old vids. I could tell she wasn't well enough to see what I've got so far with Hair, and I'm really sad about that, but I could also tell that made her feel so comforted and happy. Even though she may not get to see it, I'm still going ahead with it. She is, and always will be, fandom to me, and to so many others, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that her legacy is not forgotten.
gwyn: (don and coop raeyashi)
No doubt a lot of you have seen the posts about Sandy [personal profile] sherrold today, whom we often typed as Snady (if you see people referring to her that way, don't freak -- it was a thing). For those who haven't seen the others posts, [personal profile] movies_michelle has an update here with some info on things you can do, and why it's been so quiet about this. I hope people can understand how difficult it's been to watch this unfold, and how much those of us in town wanted to respect privacy, and also, simply, that we had hoped this was just a temporary setback.

I was talking about this yesterday with some other fans -- how, even though she and I lived ten minutes away from each other, and saw each other all the time, I didn't really enjoy going to cons when she wasn't there. Which is completely nuts, but as so many others have noted, she IS fandom to a lot of people, and her presence at a con was undeniable. You could hear here everywhere, her loud laugh (she once joked to me, the first time I had the Media Cannibals at my house, "Now you know why everyone wishes I came with a volume button!"), her infectious enthusiasm. And up till, really, two days ago, she was still planning to go to VVC. And who knows? Maybe she will. She has gone far beyond their predictions many times already in this.

Snady is the very definition of the phrase "force of nature." When we started hanging out, she welcomed me in and let me participate in making vids with the group, and even though for years we bickered and quibbled about things, she was always this person who meant so much to me that the bickering and quibbling weren't enough to drivve me away. And she and I made good vids together! I loved working with her on them, and I always, always learned something I never thought of before.

One thing I don't think many people realize is how influential she has been even to vidders who don't know her. Sandy was one of the early vidders who pushed this fannish art form into new directions, did things no one else had done previously. Her ideas about technique and style and theme have flown down to younger vidders, and they don't even know it. I wish more than anything I could spread that word -- that a lot of what many of us do right now came about because of Sandy pushing those envelopes back in the days when we made vids with bearskins and knives. Sandy is the original vidding hipster, babies.

I chatted with her yesterday and told her about remastering Hair and the new Media Cannibals site we're putting up with all the old vids. I could tell she wasn't well enough to see what I've got so far with Hair, and I'm really sad about that, but I could also tell that made her feel so comforted and happy. Even though she may not get to see it, I'm still going ahead with it. She is, and always will be, fandom to me, and to so many others, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that her legacy is not forgotten.
gwyn: (hearts wizzicons)
You know, just when I get to a point where I really hate fandom in general (like this whole White Collar thing, for one), something happens where I think, yeah, you know, fandom is pretty fucking great.

Sandy is having a really hard time and cancer is trying for a TKO on her, and it reminded me that we'd started a project a while ago, but now it needs to get taken over and finished by the rest of us in the Media Cannibals, and everyone's helping me figure out how to do that. And before my darling [personal profile] trelkez moved away, she and I talked about how she wanted to help digitize all our old vids (not remaster, just make them digitally available) and put them up on the interwebz so they are not lost to time. I emailed her and within, like, hours, she has set us up a site and and is making us some interfaces and just doing all this amazing stuff.

And [profile] melina123 has much better copies of the vids than I do, so I asked if she could make me copies, and she's sending them to me so I can work with greensilver on getting them up. Right now, I'm uploading the ones that have been digitally remastered that we've had on a disc for a while, many of which were done by [personal profile] justacat or [personal profile] killabeez for us, without us ever having to lift a finger.

Fandom really is wonderful. It does take a village to do anything, and our MC village is pretty fucking wonderful. More later when we have enough to go live.
gwyn: (air band)
Hey, I have a Vividcon roll call and premieres fandom poll in my LJ -- far more people still read me over there than have ever added me to their flists here, so it made more sense to put it there.

Go vote! Even if some of the info about people not going will make me cry.
gwyn: (air band)
So, last year I had to miss Vividcon, which was maybe for the best, but I was sad. And this year I plan to go, but I hear more and more of my friends saying they're not going, and I has a sad over that. I'm totally stealing [ profile] sdwolfpup's idea of a VVC premieres poll and also wondering who's going this year. Thank god at least a few friends should be there, otherwise I think I'd be so lonesome I could cry.

There's no possible way I could list all the possible fandoms out there for premieres. These are just the tip of the iceberg of fandoms I see talked about on my flist -- so please tell me in comments what you're bringing if I didn't list yours!!

[Poll #1752331]
gwyn: (skinner punk)
A couple years ago at a bash with the locals, we were talking about this memish thing going on where people were discussing their pairings through their fandom histories, and what that says about people. I couldn't see a pattern in mine, but Jo said she saw one... I just can't remember what it was. I was intrigued because I don't know that these pairings say much to me about who I am/what I like. Many are taciturn types, classic clams, paired with an anti-clam. But beyond that, I have no idea.

But these are the ones I was most fannish about and listed off when we talked about it at the bash, with a few additions for new things:
Joe/Chad (Laredo, '60s TV western)
Castillo/Crockett (Miami Vice)
Skinner/Mulder (X-Files)
Michael/Nikita (La Femme Nikita)
Spike/Buffy (Duh)
Doyle/Bodie (The Professionals)
Skinner/Scully (X-Files)
Steve/Kayla (Days of Our Lives, very formative)
Dom/Brian (The Fast and the Furious)
Chris/Vin (Magnificent Seven)

I would add at this point because I've written or vidded them (or thought about it):
Jack/Ianto (Torchwood)
Michael/Alex (Prison Break)
Don Eppes/Billy Cooper (Numb3rs)
Ed/Greg (Flashpoint)
Sherman/Cooper (Southland)

So, aside from the preponderance of slash, I have no idea if there's a pattern in these relationships and what it is. Do you see one? What are your patterns?

This post brought to you by my inability to concentrate on anything because I am freaking out about my dad. I did get a nice break the other day with fangirls coming over to watch Mag 7 together, which was a whole lot of fun and also we took a little side trip into Prison Break, which was fun. I showed them my Escapade vid and it was judged a success, so I think I might post that later today if I can get the credits fixed up. I don't think there's a lot of overlap between the audience at the vid show there and my LJ, so I'm not really worried about giving it away.
gwyn: (pretty alex in jail)
You know what's really hard? Making a vid and then just sitting on it for a long time, because you're sending it to a con and it's also Festivids time, and you're really really happy with it and want it to be out living in the world. For, um, definitions of hard that are totally selfish and fannish.

I'm about 6,200 words into a Prison Break story and nowhere near finished, but it's so frustrating because I think it's going to be really bad -- yet I still want to keep writing it. The thing is, there's so much to do in regards to my dad, and I don't even have anything workwise on the immediate front, yet I still don't have that much time to write, and I need a lot of uninterrupted time so that I can let my thoughts wander and try to steer it in the right direction.

One of the most frustrating things about coming back and diving full force into this fandom is that much has been taken away. There was a Michael/Mahone community called wallporn, but whoever ran it fucking purged it so all the stuff is now lost. Many of the people who posted stuff haven't posted it anywhere else, so it just seems to be lost. I don't understand people who do this. Let it languish if you don't want it anymore; don't fucking purge it and take everything away as if no one will ever come back to the fandom.

Things with Dad continue to be bad. Every once in a while, he starts to seem like he might make it out of the nursing home, like maybe he could go to the second floor of his apt. building, where they have full-time assisted living situations, but then it backslides and I think that no, it's never going to get better. I know they're going to ask me to clear out his apartment and I'm terrified of this; he's borderline hoarding, such a packrat that I don't know what to do with all that shit. And I'm all alone.

I've been freaking most about his license tabs. His SUV hasn't been driven since October, I guess, and the battery completely died. So I have to find a way to get it jump started and then take it to the emissions test, and I have only a few days to do it before it becomes illegal. Fortunately my mostly useless cousin volunteered to come down and help me tomorrow; cars are one thing he knows so that feels a little less frantic. I can't sleep unless I take something, the instant I wake up to pee or something, I'm wracked with worry and fear. I have never felt so alone and helpless and I wish my sister was here more than anything in the world. Not having someone to share this kind of thing with... this is hard. The fact that I have to do everything on someone else's timeline makes it worse.

Maybe it's a good thing I have Prison Break to watch and play with. Hell, maybe that's why I've fallen so hard for it again. I'm lucky that I have some kind people in my life who listen to me blather about it and even have watched an episode or two with me -- both [personal profile] belmanoir and [personal profile] killabeez have been endlessly patient with my squee and even watched it. That's when you know someone is good people.
gwyn: (dexter fallenandfluffy)
It's been such a busy few weeks, and getting busier -- two potential jobs coming on top of a new book I got today that is the first for a major travel book publisher. I'm very nervous about this one -- even though it sounds like I passed their (insane) test with flying colors, I still feel like it's a lot of work and very unfamiliar territory. The copyediting isn't really, in many respects, the big issue, it's more about the codes. They have the most convoluted typecoding system I've ever seen, and every single thing is coded, so the page is a morass of complicated Quark codes. Still, they give new CEs and proofers 2 hours of paid time on top of the estimated time for the book, so you can peruse their lengthy guides and codes and whatnot.

It's something I'm going to have to do on the couch, because I still can't sit here in my office for very long. I finally ended up at a new chiropractor -- I have always been afraid of chiropractic care because it just seems so incredibly dangerous to have people jerking your spine around, and every time they snap your neck, I am totally skeered that I'm going to be paralyzed for life. But the first time I went to one I was in so much pain that I literally couldn't move, someone had to help me walk from my office chair to my car so I could get to the place, and I instantly felt relief in a way that muscle relaxants and pain pills hadn't given me. I've only been a few times since then, and it took a lot for me to go this time, but my acupuncturist sent me to her guy, and already things are a tiny bit better.

But this time I'm in it for a longer haul -- they're working with me on costs and stuff, so I can do this, but I really wasn't surprised when he showed me how badly out of whack my hips and lower back are on the X-rays. I know it's going to be more than a few treatments; we're talking about probably three to four months before I begin to get a little better. The hard part is taking it easy -- like right now, there is so much work, and the yard is a mess, and so on ad infinitum. Plus, honestly, I'd really like to do something fun, like writing or vidding; not to mention that Yuletide is coming up (although apparently I completely missed all the deadlines for Festivids, c'est la vie).

I have started writing in one of my blogs but it's not much so far, I'm mostly trying to get back in the swing of things. For weeks I was a nervous wreck about this workshop I was doing on Saturday, and it's such a relief now that that's over with and seemed to go well, allowing me to concentrate on funner things. And I even started a tea blog just for the hell of it so I could keep track of all my tea tastings. Which means I'm not without some creative output, but it's not necessarily fannish in nature and I kind of miss that.

The hard part is just that there's nothing that really makes me feel that incredible rush of fannish love right now. I feel like I need to talk about my love/less than love with Fringe right now (I'm so torn! There's Charlie and Broyles in hot, tight black t-shirts in the alternaverse, but I really don't like the alternaverse! I don't like alternaLivia! Walternate creeps me out in a bad way! But then... then they do things like the twin storyline, which just... well, come on. Those of you who know me will know how deeply that story touched me --I was pretty much a blubbering idiot afterward). I'm waiting for next season of Justified. New Burn Notice this week. Chuck is... I don't know what Chuck is right now for me.

Until end of January, I have all the pay premium cable stations, which means I've been able to watch Boardwalk Empire and Dexter in real time (and was able to catch the end of True Blood in real time, too, which was awesome), and Dexter is intriguing me a lot this year (though I am seriously hoping they don't do with Lumen what they've done with everyone else who knows about Dex in the past, I think it would jump so far past the shark if they follow formula here), plus there's bonus skeevy Peter Weller, which is awesome.

Yet even with all this bounty o' TV, I don't feel that heart-fluttering need for fannish content the way I used to. Where is my Buffy equivalent, or my Mag 7 or Fast and Furious passion? I don't know. Maybe it's just that I'm so lonesome lately, and I don't have anyone nearby me to share passions. Most of the shows I watch, I used to watch with other people. That would certainly help a lot. I don't even really have online communities I feel part of for that. I wonder if at Escapade I'll feel as dissociated as I did last year? There's a lot to be said for having fan friends... I'm looking forward to watching Mag 7 with some newbies in a few weeks and seeing how people react to it (and keeping fingers crossed for some fannish interest).

I know some of it is the time of year, too -- as the birthday creeps ever closer, and the feeling that I have nothing to do on that day (everyone's usually busy or gone on T-day weekend) but sit home alone and be reminded that sis_r is gone, overwhelms me, it adds a lot of gloom to an already dark, dreary time of year. I just feel so isolated and alone, and having to be home, resting my back so often makes me feel like even more of a shut-in. I wish there were fun things to do in November. A lot of times I've gone up to Vancouver for my birthday, but this year the person I usually go with is gone. And anyhoo, I have this new job, which is due the day after.

So, I need to go ice my back, and start reading all this material on coding and processes and what have you. Fifty pages of basics, and that doesn't even count the manuscript!

August 2017

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